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Your sauciness will jest upon my love,
But creep in crannies, when he bides his beams.
Dro. S. Sconce, call you it? so you would leave battering, I had rather have it à head: an you use these blows long, I must get a sconce for my head, and insconce it too; or else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But, I pray, Sir, why am I beaten ?
Ant. S. Dost thou not know?
Dro. S. Nothing, Sir; but that I am beaten.
Ant. S. Why, first,-for flouting me; and
When, in the why, and the wherefore, is neither
Ant. S. Thank me, Sir, for what?
Ant. S. I'll make you amends next, to you nothing for something. But say, Sir, dinner-time?
Dro. S. No, Sir; I think the meat wants that
Ant. S. In good time, Sir, what's that?
Dro. S. Basting.
Ant. S. Let's hear it.
Dro. S. There's no time for a man to recover his hair, that grows bald by nature.
Ant. S. May he not do it by fine and recovery ?
Dro. S. Yes, to pay a fine for a peruke, and recover the lost hair of another man.
Ant. S. Why is time such a niggard of hair, being, as it is, so plentiful an excrement?
Dro. S. Because it is a blessing that he bestows on beasts: and what he hath scanted men in hair, he hath given them in wit.
Ant. S. Why, but there's many a man hath more hair than wit.
Dro. S. Not a man of those, but he hath the wit to lose his hair.
As take from me thyself, and not me too.
Ant. S. Well, Sir, then 'twill be dry.
Dro. S. If it be, Sir, I pray you eat none And that this body, consecrate to thee,
Ant. S. Why, thou didst conclude hairy men plain dealers without wit.
Dro. S. The plainer dealer, the sooner lost : Yet he loseth it in a kind of jollity.
Ant. S. For what reason?
Dro. S. For two; and sound ones too.
Ant. S. Nay, not sure, in a thing falsing.
Dro. S. Marry, and did, Sir; namely, no time to recover hair lost by nature.
Ant. S. But your reason was not substantial, why there is no time to recover.
Dro. S. Thus I mend it: Time himself is bald, and therefore to the world's end, will have bald followers.
Ant. S. I knew, 'twould be a bald conclu sion :
But soft! who wafts us yonder?
Ant. S. Your reason?
Dro. S. Lest it make you choleric, and purchase me another dry basting.
Ant. S. Well, Sir, learn to jest in good time; There's a time for all things.
Dro. S. durst have denied that, before you were so choleric.
Ant. S. By what rule, Sir?
I am possess'd with an adulterate blot;
Dro. S. Marry, Sir, by a rule as plain as the My blood is mingled with the crime of lust: plain bald pate of father Time himself. For, if we two be one, and thou play false, I do digest the poison of thy flesh, Being strumpeted by thy contagion.
Keep then fair league and truce with thy true
Ant. S. Name them.
Dro. S. The one, to save the money that be spends in tiring; the other, that at dinner they should not drop in his porridge.
Ant. S. You would all this time have proved, there is no time for all things.
1. c. Intrude on them when you please.
* A sconce was a fortification.
How comes it now, my husband, oh! how
That thou art then estranged from thyself?
Am better than thy dear self's better part.
By ruffian lust should be contaminate ?
I live dis-stain'd, thou undishonoured.
Ant. S. Plead you to me, fair dame ? I know you not:
In Ephesus I am but two hours old,
As strange unto your town, as to your talk :
Luc. Fie, brother! how the world is chang'd with you:
When were you wont to use my sister thus?
Adr. Come, come, no longer will I be a fool, To put the finger in the eye and weep, Whilst man and master, laugh my woes to
Come, Sir, to dinner; Dromio, keep the gate :-
Dro. S. Master, shall I be porter at the gate? Adr. Ay; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.
Luc. Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too [Exeunt.
Ant. E. And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.
Bal. Small cheer, and great welcome, makes a merry feast.
Ant. E. Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing guest; But though my cates be mean, take them in good part; Better cheer may you have, but not with better
But, soft; my door is lock'd; Go bid them let us in.
Dro. E. Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Jen'!
Dro. S. [Within.] Mome, + malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch! Either get thee from the door, or sit down at
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st for such store,
When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.
Dro. E. What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.
Dro. S. Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on's feet.
Ant. E. Who talks within there? ho, open the door.
Dro. S. Right, Sir, I'll tell you when, and you'll tell me wherefore.
Ant. E. Wherefore? for my dinner; I have not din'd to-day.
Dro. S. Nor to day here you must not; come again, when you may.
Ant. E. What art thou, that keep'st me out from the house I owe? §
Dro. S. The porter for this time, Sir, and my name is Dromio.
Dro. E. O villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name; The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle
If thon had'st been Dromio to-day in my place, Thou would'st have chang'd thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass. Luce. [Within.] What a coil is there? Dromio, who are those at the gate ?
Why at this time the doors are made against
Be rul'd by me; depart in patience,
Ant. E. Do you hear, you minion? you'll let
Luce. I thought to have ask'd you.
Dro. E. So, come, help; well struck; there For ever hous'd, where it once gets possession.
And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
Dro. E. Let my master in, Luce. Luce. Faith no; he comes too late: And so tell your master.
Dro. E. O Lord, I must laugh :Have at you with a proverb.-Shall I set in my staff?
Luce. Have at you with another: that's,
Dro. S. If thy name be call'd Luce, Luce, thou
Ant. E. Thou baggage, let me in.
the door down.
Luce. What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
Adr. [Within.] Who is that at the door, that
Ant. E. Are you there, wife? you might have
Adr. Your wife, Sir knave! go, get you from the door.
Dro. E. If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore.
Ant. S. Sweet mistress, (what your name is else, I know not,
Nor by what wonder you do hit on mine,) Less, in your knowledge, and your grace, you show not,
Than our earth's wonder; more than earth divine.
Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak;
Lay open to my earthly gross conceit,
But if that I am I, then well I know,
Far more, far more, to you do I decline.
To drown me in thy sister's flood of tears;
And as a bed I'll take thee, and there lie;
He gains by death, that hath such means to
Let love, being light, be drowned if she sink! Luc. What, are you mad, that you do reason 507
Ant. S. Not mad, but mated; † how, I do not know.
Luc. It is a fault that springeth from your
Ant. S. For gazing on your beams, fair sun, being by.
Luc. Gaze where you should, and that will clear your sight.
Ant. S. As good to wink, sweet love, as
Luc. Why call you me love? call my sister
Ant. S. Thy sister's sister.
Luc. That's my sister.
It is thyself, mine own self's better part ;
My food, my fortune, and my sweet hope's aim, My sole earth's heaven, and my heaven's claim." Luc. All this my sister is, or else should be. Ant. S. Call thyself sister, sweet, for I aim thee :
Thee will I love, and with thee lead my life; Thou hast no husband yet, nor I no wife: Give me thy hand.
Luc. O soft, Sir, hold you still; I'll fetch my sister, to get her good will. [Exit Luc. Enter, from the house of ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus, DROм10 of Syracuse, Ant. S. Why, how now, Dromio? where run'st thou so fast?
Dro. S. Do you know me, Sir? am I Dromio? am I your man? am I myself?
Ant. S. Thou art Dromio, thou art my man, thou art thyself.
Dro. 8. I am an ass, I am a woman's man, and besides myself. Ant. S. What woman's man? and how besides thyself? Dro. S. Marry, Sir, besides myself, I am due to a woman; one that claims me, one that haunts me, one that will have me.
Ant. S. What claim lays she to thee? Dro. S. Marry, Sir, such claim as you would lay to your horse; and she would have me as a beast; not that I being a beast, she would have
Mermaid for siren.
1 I. e. Confounded,
me; but that she, being a very beastly creature, lays claim to me.
Ant. S. What is she?
Dro. S. A very reverend body; ay, such a one as a man may not speak of, without he say, sir-reverence: I have but lean luck in the match, and yet is she a wondrous fat marriage?
Ant. S. How dost thou mean, a fat marriage'? Dro. S. Marry, Sir, she's the kitchen-wench, and all grease: and I know not what use to put her to, but to make a lamp of her, and run from her by her own light. I warrant, her rags, and the tallow in them, will burn a Poland winter: if she lives till doomsday, she'll burn a week longer than the whole world.
Ant. S. What complexion is she of?
Dro. S. Swart, like my shoe, but her face nothing like so clean kept; For why she sweats, a man may go over shoes in the grime
Ant. S. That's a fault that water will mend. Dro. S. No, Sir, 'tis in grain; Noah's flood could not do it.
Ant. S. What's her name?
Dro. S. Nell, Sir;-but her name and three quarters, that is, an ell and three quarters, will not measure her from bip to hip.
An S. Then she bears some breadth?
Dro. S. No longer from head to foot, than from hip to bip: She is spherical, like a globe; I could find out countries in her.
Ant. S. In what part of her body stands Ireland?
Dro. S. Marry, Sir, in her buttocks; I found it out by the bogs.
Ant. S. Where Scotland?
Ant. S. Where America, the Indies?
Dro. 8. O Sir, upon her nose, all o'er embellished with rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their rich aspect to the hot breath of Spain; who sent whole armadas of carracks + to be ballast to her nose.
Ant. S. Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands?
Dro. S. O Sir, I did not look so low. To conclude, this drudge, or diviner, laid claim to me; called me Dromio; swore I was assur'd ↑ to her; told me what privy marks I had about me, as the mark on my shoulder, the mole in my neck, the great wart on my left arm, that 1, amazed, ran from her as a witch and I think if my breast had not been made of faith, and my heart of steel, she had transformed me to a curtail-dog, and made me turn i'the wheel.
Ant. S. Go, hie thee presently, post to the road;
And if the wind blow any way from shore, I will not harbour in this town to-night. If any bark put forth, come to the mart, Where I will walk, till thou return to me. If every one know us, and we know none, 'Tis time I think, to trudge, pack, and be gone.
Dro. S. As from bear a man would run for life.
So fly I from her that would be my wife.
[Erit. Ant. S. There's none but witches do inhabit here;
But neither chain, nor goldsmith came to me: Belike, you thought our love would last too long,
If it were chain'd together; and therefore came not.
Ang. Saving your merry humour, here's the How much your chain weighs to the utmost carat ;
The fineness of the gold, and chargeful fashion;
Besides, I have some business in the town:
Ant. E. No; bear it with you, lest I come not time enough.
Ang. Well, Sir, I will: Have you the chain about you?
Ant. E. An if I have not, Sir, I hope you have ;
Or else you may return without your money. Ang. Nay, come, I pray you, Sir, give me the chain;
And buy a rope's end; that will I bestow Among my wife and her confederates, For locking me out of my doors by day.But soft, I see the goldsmith :-get thee gone; Buy thou a rope, and bring it home to me. Dro. E. 1 buy a thousand pound a year! buy a rope! [Exit DROMIO. Ant. E. A man is well holp up, that trusts to you; I promised your presence, and the chian; † Accruing.
• A coin.
Both wind and tide stays for this gentleman,
Ant. E. You gave me none, you wrong me much to say so.
Ang. You wrong me more, Sir, in denying it. Consider, how it stands upon my credit.
Mer. Well, officer, arrest him at my snit.
Ang. This touches me in reputation :-
Ant. E. Consent to pay thee that I never had! Arrest me, foolish fellow, if thou dar'st.
I would not spare my brother in this case,
Offi. I do arrest you, Sir; you hear the suit. Ant. E. I do obey thee, till 1 give thee bail:
• I shall.