Your sauciness will jest upon my love,
And make a common of my serious hours.
When the sun shines, let foolish guats make

But creep in crannies, when he bides his beams.
If you will jest with me know my aspect, t
And fashion your demeanour to my looks,
Or I will beat this method in your sconce.

Dro. S. Sconce, call you it? so you would leave battering, I had rather have it à head: an you use these blows long, I must get a sconce for my head, and insconce it too; or else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But, I pray, Sir, why am I beaten ?

Ant. S. Dost thou not know?

Dro. S. Nothing, Sir; but that I am beaten.
Ant. S. Shall I tell you why?
Dro. S. Ay, Sir, and wherefore; for, they say,
every why bath a wherefore.

Ant. S. Why, first,-for flouting me; and
then, wherefore,-
For urging it the second time to me.
Dro. S. Was there ever any man thus beaten
out of season?

When, in the why, and the wherefore, is neither
rhyme nor reason ?—
Well, Sir, I thank you.

Ant. S. Thank me, Sir, for what?
Dro. S. Marry, Sir, for this something that
you gave me for nothing.

Ant. S. I'll make you amends next, to you nothing for something. But say, Sir, dinner-time?

Dro. S. No, Sir; I think the meat wants that

I have.

Ant. S. In good time, Sir, what's that?

Dro. S. Basting.

is it

Ant. S. Let's hear it.

Dro. S. There's no time for a man to recover his hair, that grows bald by nature.

Ant. S. May he not do it by fine and recovery ?

Dro. S. Yes, to pay a fine for a peruke, and recover the lost hair of another man.

Ant. S. Why is time such a niggard of hair, being, as it is, so plentiful an excrement?

Dro. S. Because it is a blessing that he bestows on beasts: and what he hath scanted men in hair, he hath given them in wit.

Ant. S. Why, but there's many a man hath more hair than wit.

Dro. S. Not a man of those, but he hath the wit to lose his hair.

As take from me thyself, and not me too.
How dearly would it touch thee to the quick,
Should'st thou but hear I were licentious!

Ant. S. Well, Sir, then 'twill be dry.

Dro. S. If it be, Sir, I pray you eat none And that this body, consecrate to thee,

of it.

Ant. S. Why, thou didst conclude hairy men plain dealers without wit.

Dro. S. The plainer dealer, the sooner lost : Yet he loseth it in a kind of jollity.

Ant. S. For what reason?

Dro. S. For two; and sound ones too.
Ant. S. Nay, not sound, I pray you.
Dro. S. Sure ones then.

Ant. S. Nay, not sure, in a thing falsing.
Dro. S. Certain ones then.

Dro. S. Marry, and did, Sir; namely, no time to recover hair lost by nature.

Ant. S. But your reason was not substantial, why there is no time to recover.

Dro. S. Thus I mend it: Time himself is bald, and therefore to the world's end, will have bald followers.

Ant. S. I knew, 'twould be a bald conclu sion :

But soft! who wafts us yonder?

Ant. S. Your reason?

Dro. S. Lest it make you choleric, and purchase me another dry basting.

Ant. S. Well, Sir, learn to jest in good time; There's a time for all things.

Dro. S. durst have denied that, before you were so choleric.

do it.

Ant. S. By what rule, Sir?

I am possess'd with an adulterate blot;

Dro. S. Marry, Sir, by a rule as plain as the My blood is mingled with the crime of lust: plain bald pate of father Time himself. For, if we two be one, and thou play false, I do digest the poison of thy flesh, Being strumpeted by thy contagion.

Keep then fair league and truce with thy true

Ant. S. Name them.

Dro. S. The one, to save the money that be spends in tiring; the other, that at dinner they should not drop in his porridge.

Ant. S. You would all this time have proved, there is no time for all things.

1. c. Intrude on them when you please.
Study my countenance.

* A sconce was a fortification.

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How comes it now, my husband, oh! how
comes it,

That thou art then estranged from thyself?
Thyself I call it, being strange to me,
That undividable, incorporate,

Am better than thy dear self's better part.
Ah! do not tear away thyself from me,
For know, my love, as easy may'st thou fall
A drop of water in the breaking gulph,
And take unmingled thence that drop again,
Without addition or diminishing,

By ruffian lust should be contaminate ?
Would'st thou not spit at me, and spurn at me,
And hurl the name of husband in my face,
And tear the stain'd skin off my harlot brow,
And from my false hand cut the wedding ring.
And break it with a deep-divorcing vow ?
I know thou canst; and therefore, see, thou


I live dis-stain'd, thou undishonoured.

Ant. S. Plead you to me, fair dame ? I know you not:

In Ephesus I am but two hours old,

As strange unto your town, as to your talk :
Who, every word by all my wit being scann'd,
Want wit in all one word to understand.

Luc. Fie, brother! how the world is chang'd with you:

When were you wont to use my sister thus?
She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.
Ant. S. By Dromio?

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Adr. Come, come, no longer will I be a fool, To put the finger in the eye and weep, Whilst man and master, laugh my woes to


Come, Sir, to dinner; Dromio, keep the gate :-
Husband, I'll dine above with you to-day,
And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks :
Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,
Say, he dines forth, and let no creature enter.-
Come, sister :-Dromio, play the porter well.
Ant. S. Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?
Sleeping or waking? mad, or well-advis'd?
Known unto these, and to myself disguis'd!
I'll say as they say, and perséver so,
And in this mist at all adventures go.

Dro. S. Master, shall I be porter at the gate? Adr. Ay; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.

Luc. Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too [Exeunt.


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Ant. E. And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.

Bal. Small cheer, and great welcome, makes a merry feast.

Ant. E. Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing guest; But though my cates be mean, take them in good part; Better cheer may you have, but not with better


But, soft; my door is lock'd; Go bid them let us in.

Dro. E. Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Jen'!

Dro. S. [Within.] Mome, + malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch! Either get thee from the door, or sit down at

the hatch:

Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st for such store,

When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.

Dro. E. What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.

Dro. S. Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on's feet.

Ant. E. Who talks within there? ho, open the door.

Dro. S. Right, Sir, I'll tell you when, and you'll tell me wherefore.

Ant. E. Wherefore? for my dinner; I have not din'd to-day.

Dro. S. Nor to day here you must not; come again, when you may.

Ant. E. What art thou, that keep'st me out from the house I owe? §

Dro. S. The porter for this time, Sir, and my name is Dromio.

Dro. E. O villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name; The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle


If thon had'st been Dromio to-day in my place, Thou would'st have chang'd thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass. Luce. [Within.] What a coil is there? Dromio, who are those at the gate ?

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Why at this time the doors are made against


Be rul'd by me; depart in patience,
And let us to the Tiger all to dinner :
And, about evening, come yourself alone,
To know the reason of this strange restraint.
If by strong hand you offer to break in,
Now in the stirring passage of the day,
A vulgar comment will be made on it;
And that supposed by the common rout
Against your yet ungalled estimation,
That may with foul intrusion enter in,
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead:
For slander lives upon succession;

Ant. E. Do you hear, you minion? you'll let
us in, I hope ?

Luce. I thought to have ask'd you.
Dro. S. And you said, no.

Dro. E. So, come, help; well struck; there For ever hous'd, where it once gets possession.
was blow for blow.
Ant E. You have prevail'd; I will depart in

And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
I know a wench of excellent discourse,—
Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too gentle ;—
There will we dine: this woman that I mean,
My wife (but, I protest, without desert,)
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal;
To her will we to dinner.-Get you home,
And fetch the chain; by this, I know, 'tis
made :
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porcupine;
For there's the house; that chain will I bestow
(Be it for nothing but to spite my wife,)
Upon mine hostess there: good Sir, make

haste :

Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain

Dro. E. Let my master in, Luce. Luce. Faith no; he comes too late: And so tell your master.

Dro. E. O Lord, I must laugh :Have at you with a proverb.-Shall I set in my staff?

Luce. Have at you with another: that's,
When? can you tell?

Dro. S. If thy name be call'd Luce, Luce, thou
hast answer'd him well.

Ant. E. Thou baggage, let me in.
Luce. Can you tell for whose sake?
Dro. E. Master, knock the door hard.
Luce. Let him knock till it ake.
Ant. E. You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat

the door down.

Luce. What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

Adr. [Within.] Who is that at the door, that
keeps all this noise?
Dro. S. By my troth, your town is troubled
with unruly boys.

Ant. E. Are you there, wife? you might have
come before.

Adr. Your wife, Sir knave! go, get you from the door.

Dro. E. If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore.

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Ant. S. Sweet mistress, (what your name is else, I know not,

Nor by what wonder you do hit on mine,) Less, in your knowledge, and your grace, you show not,

Than our earth's wonder; more than earth divine.

Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak;

Lay open to my earthly gross conceit,
Smother'd in errors, feeble, shallow, weak,
The folded meaning of your word's deceit.
Against my soul's pure truth why labour you,
To make it wander in an unknown field ?
Are you a god? would you create me new?
Transform me then, and to your power I'll

But if that I am I, then well I know,
Your weeping sister is no wife of mine,
Nor to her bed no homage do I owe;

Far more, far more, to you do I decline.
O train me not, sweet mermaid,


with thy

To drown me in thy sister's flood of tears;
Sing, siren, for thyself, and I will dote :
Spread o'er the silver waves thy golden

And as a bed I'll take thee, and there lie;
And in that glorious supposition, think

He gains by death, that hath such means to

die :

Let love, being light, be drowned if she sink! Luc. What, are you mad, that you do reason 507

Ant. S. Not mad, but mated; † how, I do not know.

Luc. It is a fault that springeth from your


Ant. S. For gazing on your beams, fair sun, being by.

Luc. Gaze where you should, and that will clear your sight.

Ant. S. As good to wink, sweet love, as


on night.

Luc. Why call you me love? call my sister

80 ?

Ant. S. Thy sister's sister.

Luc. That's my sister.
Ant. S. No;

It is thyself, mine own self's better part ;
Mine eye's clear eye, my dear heart's dearer

My food, my fortune, and my sweet hope's aim, My sole earth's heaven, and my heaven's claim." Luc. All this my sister is, or else should be. Ant. S. Call thyself sister, sweet, for I aim thee :

Thee will I love, and with thee lead my life; Thou hast no husband yet, nor I no wife: Give me thy hand.

Luc. O soft, Sir, hold you still; I'll fetch my sister, to get her good will. [Exit Luc. Enter, from the house of ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus, DROм10 of Syracuse, Ant. S. Why, how now, Dromio? where run'st thou so fast?

Dro. S. Do you know me, Sir? am I Dromio? am I your man? am I myself?

Ant. S. Thou art Dromio, thou art my man, thou art thyself.

Dro. 8. I am an ass, I am a woman's man, and besides myself. Ant. S. What woman's man? and how besides thyself? Dro. S. Marry, Sir, besides myself, I am due to a woman; one that claims me, one that haunts me, one that will have me.

Ant. S. What claim lays she to thee? Dro. S. Marry, Sir, such claim as you would lay to your horse; and she would have me as a beast; not that I being a beast, she would have

Mermaid for siren.

1 I. e. Confounded,

me; but that she, being a very beastly creature, lays claim to me.

Ant. S. What is she?

Dro. S. A very reverend body; ay, such a one as a man may not speak of, without he say, sir-reverence: I have but lean luck in the match, and yet is she a wondrous fat marriage?

Ant. S. How dost thou mean, a fat marriage'? Dro. S. Marry, Sir, she's the kitchen-wench, and all grease: and I know not what use to put her to, but to make a lamp of her, and run from her by her own light. I warrant, her rags, and the tallow in them, will burn a Poland winter: if she lives till doomsday, she'll burn a week longer than the whole world.

Ant. S. What complexion is she of?

Dro. S. Swart, like my shoe, but her face nothing like so clean kept; For why she sweats, a man may go over shoes in the grime

of it.

Ant. S. That's a fault that water will mend. Dro. S. No, Sir, 'tis in grain; Noah's flood could not do it.

Ant. S. What's her name?

Dro. S. Nell, Sir;-but her name and three quarters, that is, an ell and three quarters, will not measure her from bip to hip.

An S. Then she bears some breadth?

Dro. S. No longer from head to foot, than from hip to bip: She is spherical, like a globe; I could find out countries in her.

Ant. S. In what part of her body stands Ireland?

Dro. S. Marry, Sir, in her buttocks; I found it out by the bogs.

Ant. S. Where Scotland?

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Ant. S. Where America, the Indies?

Dro. 8. O Sir, upon her nose, all o'er embellished with rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their rich aspect to the hot breath of Spain; who sent whole armadas of carracks + to be ballast to her nose.

Ant. S. Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands?

Dro. S. O Sir, I did not look so low. To conclude, this drudge, or diviner, laid claim to me; called me Dromio; swore I was assur'd ↑ to her; told me what privy marks I had about me, as the mark on my shoulder, the mole in my neck, the great wart on my left arm, that 1, amazed, ran from her as a witch and I think if my breast had not been made of faith, and my heart of steel, she had transformed me to a curtail-dog, and made me turn i'the wheel.


Ant. S. Go, hie thee presently, post to the road;

And if the wind blow any way from shore, I will not harbour in this town to-night. If any bark put forth, come to the mart, Where I will walk, till thou return to me. If every one know us, and we know none, 'Tis time I think, to trudge, pack, and be gone.

Dro. S. As from bear a man would run for life.

So fly I from her that would be my wife.

[Erit. Ant. S. There's none but witches do inhabit here;

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But neither chain, nor goldsmith came to me: Belike, you thought our love would last too long,

If it were chain'd together; and therefore came not.

Ang. Saving your merry humour, here's the How much your chain weighs to the utmost carat ;


The fineness of the gold, and chargeful fashion;
Which doth amount to three old ducats more
That I stand debted to this gentleman;
I pray you, see him presently discharg'd,
For he is bound to sea, and stays but for it.
Ant. E. I am not furnish'd with the present

Besides, I have some business in the town:
Good signior take the stranger to my house,
And with you take the chain, and bid my wife
Disburse the sum on the receipt thereof;
Perchance, I will be there as soon as you.
Ang. Then you will bring the chain to ber

Ant. E. No; bear it with you, lest I come not time enough.

Ang. Well, Sir, I will: Have you the chain about you?

Ant. E. An if I have not, Sir, I hope you have ;

Or else you may return without your money. Ang. Nay, come, I pray you, Sir, give me the chain;

And buy a rope's end; that will I bestow Among my wife and her confederates, For locking me out of my doors by day.But soft, I see the goldsmith :-get thee gone; Buy thou a rope, and bring it home to me. Dro. E. 1 buy a thousand pound a year! buy a rope! [Exit DROMIO. Ant. E. A man is well holp up, that trusts to you; I promised your presence, and the chian; † Accruing.

• A coin.

Both wind and tide stays for this gentleman,
And I, to blame, have held him here too long
Ant. E. Good lord, you use this dalliance, to


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Ant. E. You gave me none, you wrong me much to say so.

Ang. You wrong me more, Sir, in denying it. Consider, how it stands upon my credit.

Mer. Well, officer, arrest him at my snit.
Offi. I do; and charge you in the duke's name
to obey me.

Ang. This touches me in reputation :-
Either consent to pay this sum for me,
Or I attach you by this officer.

Ant. E. Consent to pay thee that I never had! Arrest me, foolish fellow, if thou dar'st.

I would not spare my brother in this case,
Ang. Here is thy fee; arrest him, officer;
If he should scorn me so apparently.

Offi. I do arrest you, Sir; you hear the suit. Ant. E. I do obey thee, till 1 give thee bail:

• I shall.

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