I was born a philanthropist, and shall die one. The benevolent bump juts amiably from wy pericranium. I can never be weary of benefiting mankind, and I now step forward with a new proposal for their advantage.

I

said respectable veterans. This sup- ones recast for half-price. I supply position was an egregious error. plots for incipient dramatists; and Mankind have treated me with in- when their pieces are damned, I magratitude. None of my inventionsnufacture indignant appeals to a canhave been recompensed, many have did public. I deal in birth-day.odes, been ridiculed, and not a few of my epithalamia, funeral, elegies, and last thoughts have been appropriated by speeches and dying words of convicted others without acknowledgment. A felons, I have maiden-speeches for certain method of teaching music, for modest members, forms of returning instance, that became very popular, thanks for health drank, pecuniary owes its origin to me; and a German applications to sexagenary relatives, professor who shall be nameless, might, soothing epistles to rigid aunts, amaif he were candid, own himself in- tory effusions for barren-witted lovers, debted to my hints for his system of and an astounding variety of highlymnemonics. But let all that finished compliments. pass. In sarcasm and abuse I am quite inimitable, whether you consider the wonderful fer tility of my invention, or the ingenious dexterity of my evasive power. have upwards of 1500 modes of giving the lie, without using the offensive Without further preface, then, I term, and 2000 circumlocutions for a propose to open, in a few days, a large rascal. I know precisely every degree intellectual warehouse, or grand repo- of approximation to a libel, can sport sitory of materials for thinking, writ- on the almost invisible line that sepaing, public-speaking, and principally rates it from legitimate satire, with the for conversation. The philosopher I adroitness of a rope-dancer, and smellshall provide with wise saws, the wit out an ex-officio at any given distance. with bon-mots for all occasions, the I have keen hits, sharp retorts, sly orator with tropes and figures, and inuendoes, and home-thrusts without the general talker with hits of all number. I am a finished master of kinds. There shall be a plenti- the whole art of talking at people, and ful assortment of naivetes for young can teach it completely in six lessons. widows, and double entendres for Moreover, I have several chests of elderly gentlemen! I manufacture satirical anecdotes of all persons of intellectual snaps for young lawyers, note and figure in these islands, and talk-stiffeners for young doctors, deli- of most of the nobility and crowned cate insinuations for longing ladies, heads of Europe, to say nothing of knockdowns for big-wigs, marvellous an immense store-room of private tales for old women of both sexes, scandal. high-coloured confab for topers, genMy warehouse is divided into reguteel slang for the army and navy, and lar compartments. There are, first, scraps of everything for miscellaneous for general use, the compartments of writers. For conversational critics I judgment, imagination, wit and hu=^^^ have avariety of compendions formulæ, mour. In the first I keep my pro to which I give the expressive deno- found truisms, my solemn commonmination of Hash-settlers.' Old places, and my dull paradoxes. In jokers can be supplied with new-jokes the next I keep my metaphors and at a very moderate rate, or have the old similies, my high-heeled sentiments,

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my shrieking sensibilities, my physical house there is a large machine, onbeg horrors, my political and philosophi- nearly the same plan with that men-cog cal theories, my ultra-miraculous fic- tioned by Gulliver, in his voyage to tions, and my German monsters. At- Laputa. Into this I put, not the g tached to this compartment is a small letters of the alphabet, but all thevi =closet, containing rhymes, epithets, words of the English language, and ad exordia, perorations, descriptions of multiplicity of commnon-place sentences o green fields, sonnets to the moon, &c. on every subject. The machine being In thethird compartment are contained set a working, throws all these into ·pros all the different species of witticism all possible positions. From this and dry humour; in short every thing cess I derive many original thoughts needful for the complete equipment of and novel associations of idea. Luseng droll-fish. I have, besides, separate this machine with great effect in ti rooms for all the arts and sciences, and the composition of sermons, publiedsb every branch of the belles lettres. So speeches, moral essays, periodical cris that when a person is going into com- tiques, and light articles for magazines. I pany, and is desirous to seem master of any particular topic, I can immediately furnish him with the appropriate materials without delay or difficulty. I can supply arguments on all sides, in every grand question of religion however, to insert this letter, I shall and politics. In the right wing of be most happy to conduct you over 4 my repository, on the ground floor, my warehouse, and give you sat few ti is a room full of theology. Whiggism hints, gratis, for the management of te and toryism are lodged in opposite your paper. apartments on the first floor, aristocracy is on the second floor, ultraroyalism in the garret, and radical reform in the cellar. Behind the ware

SONG.

Thus, Sir, I have given you a brief905 outline of my plan, all the advantages s of which it would be impossible to comprehend within the compass of abs Should you think proper, letter.

P.S. I teach the true Burleian shake of the empty noodle, and the wise stare of the unmeaning eyed diw

POETRY.

Sae artless she sang wi' a smile in her e'e,
Her accents war sweet as the flowers on the lee,
Her music was saften'd to steal through the soul,
While touching ilk string I was want to control;
But sympathy danc'd to the chort, when she
Sang, quiv'ring and trembling, the word Somebody
Sic bliss had the word, 'twas a crime to impart
Scarce half o' its soun to an unfeeling heart,-
She paus'd on the word, lest, all breathless wi' fear,
Uncordial emotions might turn a deaf ear;
But sympathy caught the saft glance o' her e'e,
And join'd the low tone, in the word Somebody.
do atrocisq. 2

Anderston Walk, 14th Dec. 1822,

ON SOLITUDE.

In depths of dark embow'ring woods,
Orgloomy caves o'erhanging floods;
In lonely caves, and pathless wild,
Dwells melancholy's darling child,

D. M. J.

Grim solitude forlorn.

meu diw Tọ10 nazhi Imong crit Laband

to 159m1r6-28 fuft

Saab bus amcbiw

And often in some ruin'd tower, ang kable
She spends the dreary midnight hour,
And oft, at distance, hears the sweeptolistin
Of storms athwart the ruffling deep,

With rapid fury borne.

I love to trace her calm retreats; BATH 3166
Her cooling groves and grassy seats,

Her flowery reads and winding glades d
Tot esis

Beneath her hoary, ivy shades

I love at eve to muse.
And when, around the moss-clad boughs,
The twilight grey her mantle throws une isot
The owlets, as they sail along,
And sing their melancholy song,
A solemn awe diffuse.
In thy lone haunts, O! solitude,
Beside a gently murm'ring flood,
Where pliant hazel-twigs combine,
An arching canopy to twine,

Let me inglorious lieta

When light first streaks the op'ning east,
On sparkling ocean's glowing breast, 180 2180
Let me to solitudes retire,

And wake submiss my humble lyfe,I V197 A JE
Or to the breezes sigh.

Farewell promis'd pleasures; vain visions adieu
Too oft on your smiles have I thoughtlessly staid,
Now fearful I fly you, deceitful, untrue;
Pantitig, weary and wan for the home of the dead

A ONE DAY'S RAMBLE music of the grove had fled, and the In the walks of my boyhood, with reflec-hollow blast alone relieved the sepul

tions on the close of the year. chral silence which reigned around. Having occasion a few weeks ago Such a scene could not fail to conjure to visit the scenes of my earliest wan-up a corresponding train of gloomy derings, which, although easily acces- feelings and melancholic associations. sible, and devoid of any thing like I already felt their effervescence, and strong intrinsic interest, are neverthe-resolved to give vent to the moody less linked to my heart by a thousand offspring of my troubled brain. For soft and endearing associations: I re- this purpose, I entered the wood withsolved to take a stroll to a short dis- in whose umbrageous bosom I so often tance over some of my old haunts, and have nestled with delight. I followed commune for an hour with solitude. the footpath which I was wont to The day was cold and gusty, the clouds trace, when sallying forth in boyhood's had lowered, portentously during the pride, to cull the first offsprings of the greater part of the forenoon, and al-primrose bed. I reached that spot so though there was no indication of a hallowed in my remembrance, but alas! present out-pouring of their treasures, all its pride and its glory had flown; the brow of heaven was still gloomy, no vestige of its flowery sweets remainand its fair face diversified by an irre-ed, and even its fibrous leaves had gular succession of floating drapery, shrunk like the sensitive plant, beneath which sailed sullenly along the sky, the cold touch of winter's icy hand.' and alternately veiled and exposed the I retired to a small knoll where I deep blue bosom of the cerulian con- had last reclined, when the luxuriant cave. There was a withering coldness foliage of the trees spread all around a in the atmosphere, which well accord- sombre covering. Now, alas! a frowned with the sallow nakedness of the ing sky was all the canopy; while the now unfrequented lawn. The wind blasted branches only reminded one of moaned with a solemn cadence through the dry-bone remains of decayed mora“ the deserted grove, and at every blast tality. The illusions of hope, and the shook from the baring branches some play-things of fancy, fled me like a shrivelled memento of their late exu- morning dream; while I sat down desberance. All was sad and lonely. The ponding and dreary, amid the desola

tion of the scene, to brood over nature's is it at all wonderful, when we trace it destiny. The winter of the year is to the workings of mere physical inindeed like the winter of human life. stinct. When even in rude nature the The buds of spring and the blossoms little hills,' are, as it were, rejoicing of summer have perished. The fresh-on every side,' it is wisely ordered, ness of the one, and the fragrance of that our animal sympathies should join the other, they too have passed away: in the same jubilee, and produce a and the prophetic sigh of the hollow general ferment in the more subtle elewind speaks only of the tomb. Nature ment which works within. Who too seems locked in the same chilling would not be exhilerated and delighted embrace, without promise of liberation. upon seeing sweetest spring laughingThe very stamina of vegetation seem ly advance, with snow-drops in her destroyed, and the autumn blast shakes hand, and snow-balls at her feet?from the bending tree its deciduous who would not be wanton and buoyglories, as if to say, They fall to flower ant to see rosy summer trip it up, led no more. With man also, the fairy on by love's own mouth, with breath images which spring had cherished, all incense, and with cheek all bloom?" and summer had smiled upon, drop off Who would not be inspired and happy like leaves in autumn, leaving the to see autumn's ruddy son's arrayed heart scared and blighted,' to win- under his yellow banner, to reap the ter's unavailing woe.' The music golden fields of plenty?—and who, of youth departs like the singing birds alas! would not be melancholy and of spring, and the vernal fancies which sad, to see dread winter close the imagination had sunned and sweeten-latest scene,' with all his sable train of ed, fall like flowers before the blast. vapours, and clouds, and storms," and Every green thing vanishes, and that nature hastening to decay? smile of gaiety which formerly shed its light around the young heart, is lost in the wintry and moonless night of age. The hoar-frost of winter which shows on the head, settles on the heart, quenches the flame of youthful feeling, and gradually superinduces that indescribable frigidity, which the first of passion's poets, in the following lines, so feelingly deplores:

&

Such is a feeble transcript of the revolutions which my own feelings undergo as the 'rolling year' moves onward; and such, I doubt not, are inore or less the revolving sensations of every contemplative mind, according to the difference of temperament and circumstances. The heart could not be hu man that has not felt a vernal joy and a summer's pride, as well as an autumn's glee, and a winter's woe. Their mutative influences are entwined with our very existence, and our souls bend in sympathetic obedience to their reigning sway. Even now how powerfully

It has often occurred to me, how-and how painfully is this demonstrated. ever fantastical the idea may be, that Nature presents to the view one wide the changes of the seasons have an in- scene of utter desolation; and to the fluence upon the musing and sensitive disconsolate mind, every hanging cloud mind, somewhat analogous to that seems surcharged with the dark and which the changes of the moon are dreary forebodings of cheerless dessupposed to have upon the wayward pair. Desolation and woe' are and fitful fantasies of the lunatic. Nor echoed to the heart in every passing