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that I then enjoyed such a heaven, as far exceeded the most sublime conceptions of an unregenerate soul; and even unspeakably beyond what I myself could conceive of at another time. I did not wonder that Peter said, "Lord, it is good to be here," when thus refreshed with divine glories. My soul was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession; especially felt a most sweet affection to some precious godly ministers, of my acquaintance. Prayed earnestly for dear Christians, and for those I have reason to fear are my enemies; and could not have spoken a word of bitterness, or entertained a bitter thought, against the vilest man living. Had a sense of my own great unworthiness. My soul seemed to breathe forth love and praise to God afresh, when I thought he would let his children love and receive me as one of their brethren and fellow-citizens. When I thought of their treating me in that manner, I longed to lie at their feet; and could think of no way to express the sincerity and simplicity of my love and esteem of them, as being much better than myself. Towards night, was very sorrowful; seemed to myself the worst creature living; and could not pray, nor meditate, nor think of holding up my face before the world.Was a little relieved in prayer, in the evening; but longed to get on my knees, and ask forgiveness of every body that ever had seen any thing amiss in my past conduct, especially in my religious zeal. Was afterwards much perplexed, so that I could not sleep quietly.
Lord's day, March 11. 66 M soul was, in some measure, strengthened in God, in morning devotion: so that I was released from trembling fear and distress. Preached to my people from the parable of the sower, Matth. xiii. and enjoyed some assistance, both parts of the day; had some freedom, affection, and fervency, in addressing my poor people; longed that God should take hold of their hearts, and make them spiritually alive. And, indeed, I had so much to say to them, that I knew not how to leave off speaking.
This was the last Sabbath in which he ever performed public service at Kaunaumeek, and these the last sermons which he ever preached there. It appears by his diary, that while he continued with these Indians, he took great pains with them, and did it with much discretion; but the particular manner how, has been omitted for brevity's sake.
March 12. "In the morning, was in a devout, tender, and loving frame of mind; and was enabled to cry to God, I hope, with a child-like spirit, with importunity, resignation, and composure of mind. My spirit was full of quietness, and love to mankind; and longed that peace should reign on the earth; was grieved at the very thoughts of a fiery, angry, and intem
perate zeal in religion; mourned over past follies in that regard; and confided in God for strength and grace sufficient for my future work and trials. Spent the day mainly in hard labour, making preparation for my intended journey.
March 13. "Felt my soul going forth after God sometimes; but not with such ardency as I desired. In the evening, was enabled to continue instant in prayer, for some considerable time together; and especially had respect to the journey I designed to enter upon, with the leave of divine providence, on the morrow. Enjoyed some freedom and fervency, intreating that the divine presence might attend me in every place where my business might lead me; and had a particular reference to the trials and temptations to which I apprehend I might be more eminently exposed in particular places. Was strengthened and comforted; although I was before very weary. Truly the joy of the Lord is strength and life.
March 14. "Enjoyed some intenseness of soul in prayer, repeating my petitions for God's presence in every place where I expected to be in my journey. Besought the Lord that I might not be too much pleased and amused with dear friends and acquaintance, in one place and another. Near ten, set out on my journey; and near night came to Stockbridge.
March 15." Rode down to Sheffield. Here I met a messenger from East Hampton on Long Island; who, by the unanimous vote of that large town, was sent to invite me thither, in order to settle with that people, where I had been before frequently invited. Seemed more at a loss what was my duty, than before; when I heard of the great difficulties of that place, I was much concerned and grieved, and felt some desire to comply with their request; but knew not what to do: endeavoured to commit the case to God."
The two next days, he went no further than Salisbury, being much hindered by the rain. When he came there, he was "much indisposed. He speaks of comfortable and profitable conversation with christian friends, on these days.
Lord's day, March 18. "[At Salisbury.] Was exceeding weak and faint, so that I could scarce walk: but God was pleased to afford me much freedom, clearness, and fervency in preaching: I have not had the like assistance in preaching to sinners for many months past. Here another messenger met me, and informed me of the vote of another congregation, to give me an invitation to come among them upon probation, for settlement.* Was somewhat exercised in mind with a
* This congregation was that at Millington, near Haddam. They were very earnestly desirous of his coming among them,
weight and burden of care. Oh that God would "send forth faithful labourers into his harvest!"
After this he went forward on his journey towards New York and New Jersey: in which he proceeded slowly; performing his journey under great degrees of bodily indisposition. However, he preached several times by the way, being urged by friends, in which he had considerable assistance. He speaks of comfort in conversation with christian friends, from time to time, and of various things in the exercises and frames of his heart, which show much of a divine influence on his mind in this journey but yet complains of the things that he feared, viz. a decline of his spiritual life, or vivacity in religion, by means of his constant removal from place to place, and want of retirement; and complains bitterly of his unworthiness, deadness, &c. He came to New York on Wednesday, March 28, and to Elizabethtown on the Saturday following, where it seems he waited till the commissioners came together.
April. 5. "Was again much exercised with weakness, and with pain in my head. Attended on the commissioners in their meeting. Resolved to go on still with the Indian affair, if divine providence permitted; although I had before felt some inclination to go to East Hampton, where I was solicited to go."
By the invitations which BRAINERD had lately received, it appears, that it was not from necessity, or for want of opportunities to settle in the ministry amongst the English, notwithstanding the disgrace he had been laid under at college, that he was determined to forsake all the outward comforts to be enjoyed in the English settlements, to go and spend his life among the savages, and endure the difficulties and self-denials of an Indian mission. He had, just as he was leaving Kaunaumeek, had an earnest invitation to a settlement at East Hampton on Long Island, the fairest, pleasantest town on the whole island, and one of its largest and most wealthy parishes. The people there were unanimous in their desires to have him for their pastor, and for a long time continued in an earnest pursuit of what they desired, and were hardly brought to relinquish their endeavours, and give up their hopes of obtaining him. Besides, the invitation which he had to Millington, was near his native town,
The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number, and BRAINERD having now been labouring among them about a year, and having prevailed upon them to be willing to leave Kaunaumeek, and remove to Stockbridge, to live constantly under Mr. Sergeant's ministry; he thought he might now do more service for Christ among the Indians elsewhere: and therefore went this journey to New Jersey to lay the matter before the commissioners; who met at Elizabethtown, on the occasion, and determined that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek, and go to the Delaware Indians.
and in the midst of his friends. Nor did BRAINERD choose the business of a missionary to the Indians, rather than accept of those invitations, because he was unacquainted with the difficulties and sufferings which attended such a service; for he had had experience of these difficulties in summer and winter ; having spent about a twelve-month in a lonely desert among these savages, where he had gone through extreme hardships, and been the subject of a train of outward and inward sorrows, which were now fresh in his mind. Notwithstanding all these things, he chose still to go on with this business; and that, although the place to which he was now going, was at a much greater distance from most of his friends, acquaintance, and native land.
After this he continued two or three days in New Jersey, very ill; and then returned to New York; and from thence into New England; and went to his native town of Haddam, where he arrived on Saturday, April 14. And he continues still his bitter complaints of want of retirement. While he was in New York. he says thus, " O it is not the pleasures of the world which can comfort me! If God deny his presence, what are the pleasures of the city to me? One hour of sweet retirement where God is, is better than the whole world." And he continues to complain of his ignorance, meanness, and unworthiness. However, he speaks of some seasons of special assistance and divine sweetness. He spent some days among his friends at East Hampton and Millington.
April 17. "Rode to Millington again; and felt perplexed when I set out; was feeble in body, and weak in faith. I was going to preach a lecture; and feared I should never have assistance enough to get through. But, contriving to ride alone, at a distance from the company that was going, I spent the time in lifting up my heart to God. Had not gone far before my soul was abundantly strengthened with those words, "If God be for us, who can be against us?" I went on, confiding in God; and fearing nothing so much as self-confidence. In this frame I went to the house of God, and enjoyed some assistance. Afterwards, felt the spirit of love and meekness in conversation with some friends. Then rode home to my brother's: and, in the evening, singing hymns with friends, my soul seemed to melt: and in prayer, afterwards, enjoyed the exercise of faith, and was enabled to be fervent in spirit: found more of God's presence, than I have done any time in my late wearisome journey. Eternity appeared very near; my nature was very weak, and seemed ready to be dissolved; the sun declining, and the shadows of the evening drawing on apace. I longed to fill up the remaining moments all for God! Though my body was so feeble, and wearied with preaching,
and much private conversation, yet I wanted to sit up all night to do something for God. To God, the giver of these refreshments, be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
April 18. "Was very weak, and enjoyed but little spiritual comfort. Was exercised with one who cavilled against original sin. May the Lord open his eyes to see the fountain of sin in himself!
After this, he visited several ministers in Connecticut; and then travelled towards Kaunaumeek, and came to Mr. Sergeant's at Stockbridge, Thursday, April 26. He performed this journey in a very weak state of body. The things he speaks of, appertaining to the frames and exercises of his mind, are at some times deadness and want of spiritual comfort; at other times, resting in God, spiritual sweetness in conversation, engagedness in meditation on the road, assistance in preaching, rejoicing to think that so much more of his work was done, and he so much nearer to the eternal world. And he once and again speaks of a sense of great ignorance and spiritual pollution.
April 27 and 28. "Spent some time in visiting friends, and discoursing with my people, (who were now moved down from their own place to Mr. Sergeant's,) and found them very glad to see me returned. Was exercised in my mind with a sense of my own unworthiness.
Lord's day, April 29. Preached for Mr. Sergeant both parts of the day, from Rev. xiv. 4. These are they which were not defiled, &c. Enjoyed some freedom in preaching, though not much spirituality. In the evening, my heart was in some measure lifted up in thankfulness to God for any assistance.
April 30." Rode to Kaunaumeek, but was extremely ill; did not enjoy the comfort I hoped for in my own house.
May 1. "Having received new orders to go to a number of Indians, on Delaware river, in Pennsylvania, and my people here being mostly removed to Mr. Sergeant's, I this day took all my clothes, books, &c. and disposed of them, and set out for Delaware river; but made it my way to return to Mr. Sergeant's, which I did this day, just at night. Rode several hours in the rain through the howling wilderness, although I was so disordered in body, that little or nothing but blood came from me."
He continued at Stockbridge the next day, and on Thursday rode a little way, to Sheffield, under a great degree of illness; but with encouragement and cheerfulness of mind under his fatigues. On Friday, he rode to Salisbury, and continued there till after the Sabbath. He speaks of his soul's being, some part of this time, refreshed in conversation with some Christian