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Thus humble let me live and die,
Nor long for Midas' golden touch; l'Holmes brings American humour to its finest point If Heaven more gen'rous gifts deny, and is, in fact, one the first of American Wils, Per- I shall not miss them much, haps the following verses will best illustrate a specialty Too grateful for the blessing lent of Holmes's wit, the kind of badinage with which he Of simple tastes and mind content!' quizzes common sense so successfully, by his happy
OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. paradox of serious, straightforward statement, and quiet qualifying afterwards, by which he tapers his point.'-Quarterly Review.)
THE PIOUS EDITOR'S CREED. “Man wants but little here below.'
(The Biglow Papers, by James Russell Lowell, is well • LITTLE I ask; my wants are few ;
known as one of the most racy and pungent volumes of I only wish a hut of stone
humorous and satirical verse which has emanated from (A very plain brown stone will do)
the press. The Pious Editor's Creed is, says the editor That I may call my own;
of the English edition, 'an exquisite piece of satire And close at hand is such a one,
levelled at the swarms of noisy editors in the United In yonder street that fronts the sun.
States, who seek political preferment in the great
quadrennial scrambles.' Professor Lowell was born at Plain food is quite enough for me ;
Boston in 1819, and he filled the chair of Belles-Lettres Three courses are as good as ten;
in Harvard University. As a poet and humorist, he If Nature can subsist on three,
occupies a high position in America and Great Britain. Thank Heaven for three-Amen!
Ile is now Ambassador to England (1884).]
I du believe in Freedom's cause,
Ez fur away ez Paris is ; I care not much for gold or land;
I love to see her stick her claws Give me a mortgage here and there,
In them infarnal Pharisees; Some good bank-stock, some note of hand, It's wal enough agin a king Or trifling railroad share,
To dror resolves an' triggers, I only ask that Fortune send
But libbaty's a kind o' thing A little more than I shall spend.
Thet don't agree with niggers. Honours are silly toys, I know,
I du believe the people want And titles are but empty names ;
A tax on teas an' coffees, I would, perhaps, be Plenipo
Thet nothin' aint extravygunt,But only near St. James ;
Purvidin' I'm in office; I'm very sure I should not care
Fer I hev loved my country sence To fill our Gubernator's chair.
My eye-teeth fill'd their sockets,
An' Uncle Sam I reverence,
Partic'larly his pockets.
I du believe in any plan
O' levyin' the taxes, Will do for me, I laugh at show.
Ez long ez, like a lumberman,
I get jest wut I axes: My dame should dress in cheap attire
I go free-trade thru thick an' thin, (Good, heavy silks are never dear);
Because it kind o' rouses I own perhaps I might desire
The folks to vote,-an' keeps us in
Our quiet custom-houses.
To send out furrin missions
An' orthydox conditions Shall not carved tables serve my turn,
I mean nine thousan' dolls. per and.
Nine thousan' more fer outfit,
The place 'ould jest about fit.
I du believe wutever trash
'Ill keep the people in blindness,Thet we the Mexicuns can thrash
Right inter brotherly kindness, Thet bombshells, grape, an' powder, 'n' ball
Air good-will's strongest magnets, Thet peace, to make it stick at all,
Must be druy in with bagnets.
In Humbug generally,
To hev a solid vally;
In pasture sweet heth led me,
To feed cz they hev fed me.
THE WELL OF ST. KEYNE.
And a clearer one never was seen;
But has heard of the well of St. Keyne.
I du believe in special ways
O' prayin' an' convartin'; The bread comes back in many days,
An' butter'd, tu, fer sartin ;I mean in preyin' till one busts
On wut the party chooses,
To very privit uses.
Fer 'lectioneers to spout on ;
To make hard money out on: Dear Uncle Sam pervides fer his,
An' gives a good-sized junk to all,I don't
care how hard money is Ez long ez mine's paid punctooal. I du believe with all my soul
In the gret Press's freedom, To pint the people to the goal
An' in the traces lead 'em;
At my fat contracts squintin',
Inter the gov'ment printin' I
Wut's his’n unto Cæsar,
Frum him my bread an' cheese air; I du believe thet all o' me
Doth bear his souperscription, Will, conscience, honour, honesty,
An' things o thet description.
To him thet hez the grantin'
But most of all in Cantix';
This lays all thought o'sin to rest, I don't believe in princerple,
But, oh, I du in interest. I du believe in bein' this
Or thet, ez it may happen One way or t’ other hendiest is
To ketch the people nappin'; It aint by princerples nor men
My preudunt course is steadied,
Go into it baldheaded.
Comes nat' ral tu a Presidunt,
To hev a wel-broke precedunt; Fer any office, small or gret,
I couldn't ax with no face, Without I'd ben, thru dry an' wet,
Th' unrizzest kind o' doughface.
An oak and an elm-tree stand beside,
And behind doth an ash-tree grow, . And a willow from the bank above
Droops to the water below.
A traveller came to the well of St. Keyne,
Joyfully he drew nigh, For from cock-crow he had been travelling,
And there was not a cloud in the sky,
He drank of the water so cool and clear,
For thirsty and hot was he, And he sat down upon the bank
Under the willow-tree.
There came a man from the house hard by
At the well to fill his pail ; On the well-side he rested it,
And he bade the stranger hail.
• Now, art thou a bachelor, stranger?' quoth
he, Or an' if thou hast a wife, The happiest draught thou hast drank this
Or has thy good woman, if one thou hast,
Ever here in Cornwall been?
She has drank of the well of St. Keyne.'
• I have left a good woman who never was throw more water, throw it higher, far. here,'
ther, and to more purpose than any or all The stranger he made reply,
the clumsy steam humbugs yet invented But that my draught should be the better for in Porkopolis. that,
Ninety-seven's boys say they can run I pray you answer me why?'
to a fire, get their water on, extinguish
the conflagration, “take-up," get home, •St. Keyne,' quoth the Cornish-man, 'many bunk in, and snooze half an hour before a time
the “Squwirt” could get her kindlingDrank of this crystal well,
wood ready. And before the angels summon'd her,
Now I am not known by the cognomen She laid on the water a spell.
of “Mose," nor do I answer to the name •If the husband of this gifted well
of "Syskey”-neither as a general thing Shall drink before his wife,
do I promenade the middle of Broadway A happy man thenceforth is he,
with my pantaloons tucked in my boots. For he shall be master for life.
Still, by way of a new excitement, I lately
joined the Fire Department, and con• But if the wife should drink of it first, nected myself with the Company of EnGod help the husband then!'
gine 97. The stranger stoop'd to the well of St. Keyne, Bought my uniform, treated the comAud drank of the water again.
pany, took up my quarters in the bunk
room, where I slept by night in a bed! You drank of the well I warrant betimes ?' occupied in the day time by a big yellow He to the Cornish-man said:
dog. First night, went to bed with my But the Cornish-man smiled as the stranger boots on, ready for an alarm. At last it spake,
came-seized the rope with the rest of And sheepishly shook his head.
the boys; started on a run; tugged and
toiled till we got her into the 11th dis• I hasten'd as soon as the wedding was done, trict, four miles and a half from home; And left my wife in the porch;
found the alarm had been caused by a But i' faith she had been wiser than me,
barrel of shavings, and the conflagration For she took a bottle to church.'
had extinguished itself; had to drag her clear back; tired most to death; it wasn't
funny at all. RUNNING WITH THE “MASHEEN.”
Turned in; half an hour, new alarm;
started again-hose 80 laid in the same (MORTIMER M. Thompson, 1831-1865, was born at Riga, alley, got our apparatus jammed on the N. Y. studied at Michigan University, and after a short corner; fight; 97 victorious; got our maconnection with the drama, became a clerk in New chine out, and carried off the forewheel of York city, and in 1853 began to write for tho press over 80's carriage on our tongue; reached the the assumed name of Q. K. Philander Doesticks. Books fire; big nigger standing on the hydrant; published under this name include Doesticks, What he elected myself appraiser and auctioneer; Says (1855), Pluribustah (1856), History and Records knocked him down without any bidder; of the Elephant Club (1867) and Nothing to Say took water; got our stream on the fire ; (1857.) ]
fun ; worked till my arms ached; let go Since the “Grate old Squwirt” made to to rest; foreman hit me over the head go by steam, and imported from Cincin- with a trumpet and told me to ahead; nati put to the blush Metropolitan Red-children in the garret horrible situation; shirtdom, and which couldn't raise steam gallant fireman made a rush up the enough to throw water to the top of City ladder; battled his way through the Hall, has proved such a signal failure, the smoke-reappeared with a child in each good old-fashioned, “fire-annihilators” arm, and his pocket full of teaspoons. (not Barnum's) have been more popular Old gentleman from the country; much than ever.
excited; wanted to help, but didn't exThe “boys” say they will take the actly know how ; he rushed into a fourth oldest primitive engine in the city, man story bedroom; threw the mirror out of the it with fourteen small-sized news-boys on window; frantically endeavored to hurl 2 side, and, with this apparatus, will the dressing-table after it ; seized the VOL. III.-W.H.
coal-scuttle; hurriedly put in the poker, brandy“ lying round loose;" gin "conbootjack and a pair of worn out slippers, vaynient,” and old Monongahela absocarried them down stairs, and deposited lutely begging to be protected from furthem in a place of safety four blocks ther dilution; Croton water too much for away; came back on a run, into the par- my delicate constitution; carried home lor; took up the door-mat, wrapped up on a shutter. an empty decanter in it, and transported Fire in a church-Catholic- little marit safely into the barn of the nearest neigh- ble images all round the room in niches ; bor; he kept at work; by dint of heroic wall began to totter; statues began to exertions, he at various times deposited, fall; St. Andrew knocked my fire hat by piece, the entire kitchen cooking-stove over my eyes; St. Peter threw his whole in the next street, uninjured; and at last, weight on my big toe; St. Jerome hit me after knocking the piano to pieces with a clip over the head, which laid me an axe, in order to save the lock, and sprawling, when a picture of the Holy filling his pocket with sofa castors, he Family fell and covered me up like a bed was seen to make his final exit from the quilt. back-yard, with a length of stovepipe in Fire in a big clothing store-next day each hand, the toasting fork tucked be- our foreman sported a new silk velvet hind his ear, and two dozen muffin rings vest, seven of the men exhibited twelve in his hat, which was surmounted by a dollar doeskin pants, and the black boy large-sized frying pan.
who sweeps out the bunk room, and During the next week there were sev- scours the engine, had a new hat and a eral alarms-fire in a big block full of flaming red cravat, presented, as I heard, paupers—first man in the building; car- by the proprietor of the stock of goods as ried down stairs in my arms two helpless an evidence of his appreciation of their undressed children, thereby saving their endeavors to save his property. valuable lives; on giving them to the I didn't get any new breeches; on the mother, she, amid a whirlwind of thanks, contrary, lost my new overcoat and got imparted the gratifying intelligence that damaged myself. Something like this one was afflicted with the measles, and fire out, order came, “take up, 97;” took the other had the Michigan itch.
off the hose; turned her round; got the Another fire; foreman took the lead, boys together, and started for home; corand ran down the street, yelling like an ner of the street hook and ladder 100 independent devil, with a tin trumpet. (Dutch), engine 73 (Irish), hose 88 Company made a grand stampede, and (Yankee), and our own company, came followed in the rear, dragging old 97 in a in contact; machines got jammed; polyspasmodic gallop. Found the fire in a glot swearing by the strength of the comhoarding school; dashed up a ladder; panies; got all mixed up; fight; one of tumbled through a window; entered a 88's men hit foreman of hook and ladder bed-room ; smoke so thick I couldn't see; 100 over the head with a spanner; excaught up in my arms a feminine specimen temporaneous and impartial distribution in a long night-gown; got back to the of brickbats ; 97's engineer clipped one window; tried to go down; ladder broke of 73's men with a trumpet; 73 retaliated under me, stuck adhesively to the young with a paving stone; men of all the lady; and, after unexampled exertions, companies went in; resolved to "go in" deposited her safely in the next house, myself; went in; went out again as fast where I discovered that I had rescued from as I could, with a black eye, three teeth the devouring element the only child of (indigestible, I have reason to believe) in the black cook.
my stomach, intermingled with my supFire in a storehouse—went on the roof; per, my red shirt in carpet rags, and my explosion ; found myself in somebody's knuckles skinned, as if they had been cellar, with one leg in a soap barrel, and pawned to a Chatham street Jew. my hair full of fractured hen's eggs; dis- Got on a hydrant and watched the fun; covered that I had been blown over a 88's boys whipped everything; 73's best church, and had the weathercock still man was doubled up like a jack-knife, remaining in the rear of my demolished by a dig in the place where Jonah was; pantaloons.
four of 97's fellows were lying under the Fire in a liquor-store-hose burst; machine with their eyes in mourning ; hook and ladder took home two-thirds of a considerable curiosity, and a “considertheir company on the truck, and the able" bridge. Took a glass of beer and last I saw of their foreman, he was lying walked up to the Falls; another glass of in the middle of the street, with his beer and walked under the Falls; wanted trumpet smashed flat, his boots under his another glass of beer, but couldn't get it; head, his pockets inside out, a brick in walked away from the Falls, wet through, his mouth, a hundred and twenty-five feet mad, triumphant, victorious; humbug ! of hose on the back of his neck, and the humbug! Sir, all humbug! except the hind wheels of 20's engine resting on his dampness of everything, which is a moist left leg.
certainty, and the cupidity of everybody, Four policemen on the opposite corner, which is a diabolical fact, and the Indians saw the whole row. On the first indication and niggers everywhere, which is a satanic of a fight, they pulled their hats down truth. over their eyes, covered up their stars, Another glass of beer— 'twas forthand slunk down the nearest alley. Got coming-immediately-also another, all home, resigned my commission, made my of which I drank. I then proceeded to will, left the company my red shirt and drink a glass of beer; went over to the fire cap. Seen enough of fire service; States, where I procured a glass of beerdon't regret my experience, but do grieve went up-stairs, for which I paid a sixfor my lost teeth and my new overcoat. pence; over to Goat Island, for which I dis
P. Š. Have just met the foreman of bursed twenty-five cents; hired a guide, to 73-he had on my late lamented overcoat; whom I paid half a dollar-sneezed four ain't big enough to lick him-magnani- times, at nine cents a sneeze-went up on mously concluded to let him alone. the tower for a quarter of a dollar, and
looked at the Falls-didn't feel sublime any; tried to, but couldn't; took some
beer, and tried again, but failed-drank a NIAGARA.
glass of beer and began to feel better
thought the waters were sent for and were I was never given to accepting the decisions of others on a journey to the thought the place as gospel in any case where it was possible for me to below was one sea of beer-was going to manufacture a home-made opinion of my own, and I jump down and get some; guide held me; d'd not greatly wonder at myself when I discovered that sent him over to the hotel to get a glass my emotions, when I first beheld that great aqueous of beer, while I tried to write some poetry brag of universal Yankeedom, Niagara, were not of the results as follows: stereotyped and generally-considered-to-be-necessary, Oh thou (spray in one eye) awful, sort. The letter which follows, and which is all the ro- (small lobster in one shoe,) sublime (both miniscence of my visit extant, was published soon after, feet wet) master-piece of what a lie) the and extensively copied, and was, in fact, the first article
Almighty! terrible and majestic art which bore the name of Doesticks.
thou in thy tremendous might-awful
(orful) to behold, (cramp in my right DOESTICKS ON A BENDER.
shoulder,) gigantic, huge and nice! Oh, I HAVE been to Niagara-you know thou that tumblest down and riseth up Niagara Falls—big rocks, water, foam, in misty majesty to heaven-thou glorious Table Rock, Indian curiosities, squaws, parent of a thousand rainbows- what a moccasins, stuffed snakes, rapids, wolves, huge, grand, awful, terrible, tremendous, Clifton house, suspension bridge, place infinite, old swindling humbug you are; where the water runs swift, the ladies what are you doing there, you rapids, you faint, scream, and get the paint washed -you know you've tumbled over there, off their faces; where the aristocratic In- and can't get up again to save your puny dian ladies sit on the dirt and make little existence; you make a great fuss, don't bags; where all the inhabitants swindle you? strangers; where the cars go in a hurry, Man came back with the beer, drank it the waiters are impudent, and all the to the last drop, and wished there had small boys swear.
been a gallon more--walked out on a When I came in sight of the suspension rock to the edge of the fall, woman on bridge, I was vividly impressed with the the shore very much frightened-I told idea that it was "some" bridge; in fact, her not to get excited if I fell over, as I