fended him, I never could understand.

But it seemed as if I was destined to offend all the men that day; for who should presently come up but the Right Hon. Edmund Preston, one of his majesty's secretaries of state (as I knew very well by the almanack in our office), and the husband of Lady Jane.

The Right Hon. Edmund was riding a grey cob, and was a fat, palefaced man, who looked as if he never went into the open air. "Who the devil's that?" said he to his wife, looking surlily both at me and her.

"Oh, it's a friend of grandmamma's and Jane's," said Lady Fanny at once, looking, like a sly rogue as she was, quite archly at her sister, who, in her turn, appeared quite frightened, and looked imploringly at her sister, and never dared to breathe a syllable. "Yes, indeed," continued Lady Fanny, "Mr. Titmarsh is a cousin of grandmamma's, by the mother's side, by the Hoggarty side. Didn't you know the Hoggarties when you were in Ireland, Edmund, with Lord Bagwig? Let me introduce you to grandmamma's cousin, Mr. Titmarsh; Mr. Titmarsh, my brother, Mr. Edmund Preston."

There was Lady Jane all the time treading upon her sister's foot as hard as possible, and the little wicked thing would take no notice, and I, who had never heard of the cousinship, feeling as confounded as could be. But I did not know the Countess of Doldrum near so well as that sly minx her grandaughter did; for the old lady, who had just before called poor Gus Hoskins her cousin, had, it appeared, the mania of fancying all the world related to her, and said,

"Yes, we're cousins, and not very far removed. Mick Hoggarty's grandmother was Millicent Brady, and she and my aunt Towzer were related, as all the world knows; for Decimus Brady, of Ballybrady, married an own cousin of aunt Towzer's mother, Bell Swift-that was no relation of the Dean's, my love, who came but of a so-so family-and isn't that clear ?"

"Oh, perfectly, grandmamma," said Lady Jane, laughing, while the right honourable gent still rode by us, looking sour and surly.

"And sure you knew the Hoggarties, Edmund ?-the thirteen red

haired girls-the nine graces, and four over, as poor Clanboy used to call them. Poor Clan!-a cousin of yours and mine, Mr. Titmarsh, and sadly in love with me he was too. Not remember them all now, Edmund ?-not remember?-not remember Beddy and Minny, and Thedy and Winny, and Mysie and Grizzie, and Polly and Dolly, and the rest ?"

"D-the Miss Hoggarties, ma'am," said the right honourable gent; and he said it with such energy, that his grey horse gave a sudden lash out that well-nigh sent him over his head. Lady Jane screamed; Lady Fanny laughed; old Lady Doldrum looked as if she did not care twopence, and said, "Serve you right for swearing, -you ojous man, you!"

"Hadn't you better come into the carriage, Edmund - Mr. Preston ?" cried out the lady, anxiously.

"Oh, I'm sure I'll slip out, ma'am,” says I.

"Pooh, pooh, don't stir," said Lady Doldrum, "it's my carr’age ; "and if Mr. Preston chooses to swear at a lady of my years in that ojous vulgar way -in that ojous vulgar way, I repeat-I don't see why my friends should be inconvenienced for him. Let him sit on the dicky if he likes, or come in and ride bodkin." It was quite clear that my Lady Doldrum hated her grandson-in-law heartily; and I've remarked somehow in families that this kind of hatred is by no means uncommon.

I

Mr. Preston, one of his majesty's secretaries of state, was, to tell the truth, in a great fright upon his horse, and was glad to get away from the kicking, plunging brute. His pale face looked still paler than before, and his hands and legs trembled as he dismounted from the cob and gave the reins to his servant. disliked the looks of the chap-of the master, I mean-at the first moment he came up, when he spoke rudely to that nice gentle wife of his; and I thought he was a cowardly fellow, as the adventure of the cob shewed him to be. Heaven bless you! a baby could have ridden it; and here was the man with his soul in his mouth at the very first kick.

"Oh, quick! do come in, Edmund," said Lady Fanny, laughing; and the carriage-steps being let down, and giving me a great scowl as he came

in, he was going to place himself in Lady Fanny's corner (I warrant you I wouldn't budge from mine), when the little rogue cried out, "Oh, no! by no means, Mr. Preston. Shut the door, Thomas. And, oh! what fun it will be to shew all the world a secretary of state riding bodkin!”

And pretty glum the secretary of state looked, I assure you!

"Take my place, Edmund, and don't mind Fanny's folly," said Lady Jane, timidly.

"Oh, no!-pray, madam, don't stir! I'm comfortable, very comfortable; and so I hope is this Mr. -this gentleman."

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Perfectly, I assure you," says I. "I was going to offer to ride your horse home for you, as you seemed to be rather frightened at it; but the fact was, I was so comfortable here that really I couldn't move.”

Such a grin as old Lady Doldrum gave when I said that!-how her little eyes twinkled, and her little sly mouth puckered up! I couldn't help speaking, for, look you, my blood was up.

"We shall always be happy of your company, cousin Titmarsh,” says she; and handed me a gold snuff-box, out of which I took a pinch, and sneezed with the air of a lord.

"As you have invited this gentleman into your carriage, Lady Jane Preston, hadn't you better invite him home to dinner?" says Mr. Preston, quite blue with rage.

"I invited him into my carr'age," says the old lady; "and as we are going to dine at your house, and you press it, I'm sure I shall be very happy

to see him there."

"I'm very sorry I'm engaged," said I.

"Oh, indeed, what a pity!" says right honourable Ned, still glowring at his wife. "What a pity that this gentleman-I forget his name-that your friend, Lady Jane, is engaged! I am sure you would have had such gratification in meeting your relation in Whitehall."

Lady Doldrum was over fond of finding out relations, to be sure, but this speech of right honourable Ned's was a little too much. "Now, Sam," says I, "be a man and shew your spirit!" So I spoke up at once, and said, Why, ladies, as the right honourable gent is so very pressing,

I'll give up my engagement, and shall have sincere pleasure in cutting mutton with him. What's your hour, sir ?"

He didn't condescend to answer, and for me I did not care, for, you see, I did not intend to dine with the man, but only to give him a lesson of manners. For though I am but a poor fellow, and hear people cry out how vulgar it is to eat pease with a knife, or ask three times for cheese, and suchlike points of ceremony, there's something, I think, much more vulgar than all this, and that is inso lence to one's inferiors. I hate the chap that uses it, as I scorn him of humble rank that affects to be of the fashion; and so I determined to let Mr. Preston know a piece of my mind.

When the carriage drove up to his house, I handed out the ladies as politely as possible, and walked into the hall, and then taking hold of Mr. Preston's button at the door, I said, before the ladies and the two big servants upon my word I did. "Sir," says I, "this kind old lady asked me into her carriage, and I rode in it to please her, not myself. When you came up and asked who the devil I was, I thought you might have put the question in a more polite manner, but it wasn't my business to speak. When, by way of a joke, you invited me to dinner, I thought I would answer in a joke too, and here I am. But don't be frightened; I'm not a-going to dine with you only if you play the same joke upon other parties-on some of the chaps in our office, for example-I recommend you to have a care, or they will take you at your word.”

"Is that all, sir ?" says Mr. Preston, still in a rage: "if you have done, will you leave this house, or shall my servants turn you out? Turn out this fellow! do you hear me?" and he broke away from me, and flung into his study in a rage.

"He's an ojous, horrid monsther of a man, that husband of yours!" said Lady Doldrum, seizing hold of her elder grandaughter's arm," and I hate him; and so come away, for the dinner 'll be gelley cold:" and she was for hurrying away Lady Jane without more ado. But that kind lady, coming forward, looking very very pale and trembling, said, "Mr. Titmarsh, I do hope you'll not be

angry- that is, that you'll forget what has happened, for, believe me, it has given me very great

Very great what I never could say, for here the poor thing's eyes filled with tears; and Lady Doldrum, crying out, "Tut, tut! none of this nonsense," pulled her away by the sleeve, and went up-stairs. But little Lady Fanny walked boldly up to me, and held me out her little hand, and gave mine such a squeeze, and said, Good-by, my dear Mr. Titmarsh," so very kindly, that I'm blest if I did not blush up to the ears, and all the blood in my body began to tingle.

So, when she was gone, I clapped my hat on my head, and walked out of the hall-door, feeling as proud as a peacock and as brave as a lion; and all I wished for was that one of those saucy, grinning footmen should say or do something to me that was the least uncivil, so that I might have the pleasure of knocking him down, with my best compliments to his master. But neither of them did me any such favour; and I went away, and dined at home off boiled mutton and turnips with Gus Hoskins quite peacefully.

I did not think it was proper to tell Gus (who, between ourselves, is rather curious, and inclined to tittletattle) all the particulars of the family quarrel of which I had been the cause and witness, and so just said that the old lady ("They

were the Doldrum arms," says Gus; “for I went and looked them out that minute in the Peerage;") that the old lady turned out to be a cousin of mine, and that she had taken me to drive in the Park. Next day, we went to the office as usual, when, you may be sure that Hoskins told every thing of what had happened, and a great deal more; and somehow, though I did not pretend to care sixpence about the matter, I must confess that I was rather pleased that the gents in our office should hear of a part of my adventure.

But fancy my surprise, on coming home in the evening, to find Mrs. Stokes, the landlady; Miss Selina Stokes, her daughter; and Master Bob Stokes, her son (an idle young vagabond that was always playing marbles on St. Bride's steps, and in Salisbury Square),-when I found them all bustling and tumbling up the steps before me to our rooms, on

the second floor, and there, on the table, between our two flutes, on one side, my album, Gus's Don Juan and Peerage on the other, I saw as follows:

1. A basket of great red peaches, looking like the cheeks of my dear Mary Smith.

2. A ditto of large, fat, luscious, heavy-looking grapes.

3. An enormous piece of raw mutton, as I thought it was; but Mrs. Stokes said it was the primest haunch of venison that ever she saw. And three cards, viz.,

DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DOLDRUM. LADY FANNY RAKES.

MR. PRESTON. LADY JANE PRESTON.

EARL OF TIPTOFF.

"Sich a carriage!" says Mrs. Stokes (for that was the way the poor thing spoke) "sich a carriageall over coronites! sich liveries— two great footmen, with red whiskers and yellowplush smallclothes; and inside, a very old lady in a white poke bonnet, and a young one with a great Leghorn hat and blue ribands, and a great, tall, pale gentleman with a tuft on his chine.

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Pray, madam, does Mr. Titmarsh live here?' says the young lady, with her clear voice.

"Yes, my lady,' says I; but he's at the office-the West Diddlesex Fire and Life Office, Cornhill.'

"Charles, get out the things,' says the gentleman, quite solemn.

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Yes, my lord,' says Charles; and brings me out the haunch in a newspaper, and on the chany dish as you see it, and the two baskets of fruit besides.

"Have the kindness, madam,' said my lord, to take these things to Mr. Titmarsh's rooms, with our, with Lady Jane Preston's compliments, and request his acceptance of them;" and then he pulled out the cards on your table, and this letter, sealed with his lordship's own crown."

And herewith Mrs. Stokes gave me a letter, which my wife keeps to this day by the way, and which runs thus:

"The Earl of Tiptoff has been commissioned by Lady Jane Preston to express her sincere regret and disappointment that she was not able yesterday to enjoy the pleasure of Mr. Titmarsh's

a gentleman here who is not used to Pentonville ways (another look); but he won't mind the ways of friends." And here Mrs. Roundhand heaved her very large chest, and gave me a third look, that was so severe, that, I declare to goodness, it made me look quite foolish. As to Gus, she never so much as spoke to him all the evening; but he consoled himself with a great lot of muffins, and sat most of the evening (it was a eruel hot summer) whistling and talking with Roundhand on the verandah. I think I should like to have been with them,-for it was very close in the room with that great, big Mrs. Roundhand squeezing close up to one on the sofa.

"Do you recollect what a jolly night we had here last summer?" I heard Hoskins say, who was leaning over the balcony, and ogling the girls coming home from church; " you and me with our coats off, plenty of cold rum-and-water, Mrs. Roundhand at Margate, and a whole box of Manillas ?"

"Hush!" said Roundhand, quite eagerly; "Milly will hear."

But Milly didn't hear; for she was occupied in telling me an immense long story about her waltzing with the Count de Schloppenzollern, at the City ball to the allied sovereigns; and how the count had great, large, white moustaches; and how odd she thought it to go whirling round the room with a great man's arm round your waist. "Mr. Roundhand has never allowed it since our marriage

never; but in the year 'fourteen it was considered a proper compliment, you know, to pay the sovereigns. So twenty-nine young ladies, of the best families in the city of London, I assure you, Mr. Titmarsh

there was the lord-mayor's own daughters; Alderman Grogram's gals; Sir Charles Hopper's three, who have the great house in Baker Street; and your humble servant, who was rather slimmer in those days-twenty-nine of us had a dancing-master on purpose, and practised waltzing in a room over the Egyptian Hall, at the Mansion House. He was a splendid man, that Count Schloppenzollern!"

"I am sure, ma'am," says I, “he had a splendid partner!" and blushed up to my eyes when I said it.

"Get away, you naughty creature!" says Mrs. Roundhand, giving

me a great slap; "you're all the same, you men in the west end-all deceivers. The count was just like you. Heigho! Before you marry, it's all honey and compliments; when you win us, it's all coldness and indifference. Look at Roundhand, the great baby, trying to beat down a butterfly with his yellow bandanna ! Can a man like that comprehend me? can he fill the void in my heart?" (She pronounced it without the h; but, that there should be no mistake, laid her hand upon the place meant.) "Ah, no! Will you be so neglectful when you marry, Mr. Titmarsh ?"

As she spoke, the bells were just tolling the people out of church, and I fell a-thinking of my dear, dear Mary Smith, in the country, walking home to her grandmother's, in her modest grey cloak, as the bells were chiming, and the air full of the sweet smell of the hay, and the river shining in the sun, all crimson, purple, gold, and silver. There was my dear Mary a hundred and twenty miles off, in Somersetshire, walking home from church along with Dr. Snorter's family, with which she came and went; and I was listening to the talk of this great, luring, vulgar woman.

I could not help feeling for a certain half of a sixpence that you have heard me speak of; and putting my hand mechanically upon my chest, I tore my fingers with the point of my new DIAMOND - PIN. Mr. Polonius had sent him the night before, and I sported it for the first time at Roundhand's to dinner.

"It's a beautiful diamond," said Mrs. Roundhand; "I have been looking at it all dinner-time. How rich you must be to wear such splendid things; and how can you remain in a vulgar office in the City,-you who have such great acquaintances at the west end ?"

The woman had somehow put me in such a passion that I bounced off the sofa, and made for the balcony without answering a word,-ay, and half broke my head against the sash, too, as I went out to the gents in the open air. "Gus," says I, "I feel very unwell; I wish you'd come home with me." And Gus did not desire any thing better; for he had ogled the last girl out of the last church, and the night was beginning to fall.

"What! already ?" said Mrs.