And for tricks that are vain, The heathen Chinee is peculiar : Which the same I would rise to explain. Ah Sin was his name; And I shall not deny In regard to the same What that name might imply; But his smile it was pensive and childlike, As I frequent remarked to Bill Nye. It was August the third, And quite soft was the skies, Which it might be inferred That Ah Sin was likewise : Yet he played it that day upon William Which we had a small game, He did not understand; But he smiled, as he sat by the table, With the smile that was childlike and bland. Yet the cards they were stocked In a way that I grieve, At the state of Nye's sleeve, Which was stuffed full of aces and bowers, And the same with intent to deceive. But the hands that were played By that heathen Chinee, And the points that he made, Were quite frightful to see Till at last he put down a right bower, Which the same Nye had dealt unto me. Then I looked up at Nye, And he gazed upon me; And he rose with a sigh, And said, "Can this be? We are ruined by Chinese cheap labor,". And he went for that heathen Chinee. In the scene that ensued I did not take a hand, But the floor it was strewed Like the leaves on the strand With the cards that Ah Sin had been hiding In the game "he did not understand." In his sleeves, which were long, He had twenty-four packs Which was coming it strong, Yet I state but the facts. And we found on his nails, which were taperWhat is frequent in tapersthat's wax. Which is why I remark, And my language is plain, That for ways that are dark, And for tricks that are vain, The heathen Chinee is peculiar — Which the same I am free to maintain. FRANCIS BRET HARTE. NONSENSE. GOOD reader, if you e'er have seen, Floats wild along the winding shore, THOMAS MOORE. WOMAN'S WILL. AN EPIGRAM. MEN dying make their wills--but wives Escape a work so sad; Why should they make what all their lives The gentle dames have had? JOHN GODFREY SAXE. BACHELOR'S HALL. BACHELOR'S HALL, what a comical place it is! Keep me from such all the days of my life! Sure but he knows what a burning disgrace it is, Never at all to be getting a wife. See the old bachelor, gloomy and sad enough, Fussing around while he's making his fire; His kettle has tipt up, och, honey, he's mad enough, If he were present, to fight with the squire ! Pots, dishes, and pans, and such other commodities, Ashes and praty-skins, kiver the floor; His cupboard a storehouse of comical oddities, Things never thought of as neighbors before. When his meal it is over, the table's left sittin' so; Dishes, take care of yourselves if you can; Devil a drop of hot water will visit ye. Och, let him alone for a baste of a man! Now, like a pig in a mortar-bed wallowing, Late in the night, when he goes to bed shivering, ANONYMOUS. MR. MOLONY'S ACCOUNT OF THE BALL GIVEN TO THE NEPAULESE AMBASSADOR BY THE PENINSULAR AND ORIENTAL COMPANY. O, WILL ye choose to hear the news? Bedad, I cannot pass it o'er : I'll tell you all about the ball To the Naypaulase Ambassador. Begor! this féte all balls does bate, At which I worn a pump, and I These men of sinse dispoised expinse, "We'll show the blacks," says they, "Almack's, And take the rooms at Willis's." With flags and shawls, for these Nepauls, And decked the walls and stairs and halls And Jullien's band it tuck its stand So sweetly in the middle there, And when the Coort was tired of spoort, Where lashins of good dhrink there was! At ten before the ball-room door, He smoiled and bowed to all the crowd, And O the noise of the blackguard boys, The noble Chair stud at the stair, And bade the dthrums to thump; and he O fair the girls, and rich the curls, And bright the oys, you saw there, was; This Gineral great then tuck his sate, All bleezed with precious minerals ;) Recloinin on his cushion was, All round about his royal chair, The squeezin and the pushin was. O Pat, such girls, such Jukes and Earls, Just think of Tim, and fancy him Amidst the hoigh gentility! There was Lord De L'Huys, and the Portygeese And I reckonized, with much surprise, There was Baroness Brunow, that looked like Juno, And Countess Roullier, that looked peculiar There was Lord Fingall and his ladies all, I wondther how he could stuff her in. Yes, Jukes and Earls, and diamonds and pearls, O, there's one I know, bedad, would show And I'd like to hear the pipers blow, WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY. IRISH ASTRONOMY. A VERITABLE MYTH, TOUCHING THE CONSTELLATION OF ORYAN, IGNORANTLY AND FALSELY SPELLED ORION. He had an ould militia gun, And sartin sure his aim was; St. Pathrick wanst was passin' by O'Ryan's little houldin', And, as the saint felt wake and dhry, To praich at Thurles I 'm goin'; "No rasher will I cook for you O'Ryan gave his pipe a whiff, — "Them tidin's is thransportin', But may I ax your saintship if There's any kind of sportin'?" St. Pathrick said, "A Lion's there, Two Bears, a Bull, and Cancer" "Bedad," says Mick, "the huntin's rare; St. Pathrick, I'm your man, sir." So, to conclude my song aright, For fear I'd tire your patience, Amid the constellations. Till Mars grows jealous raally, Of handling the shillaly. CHARLES G. HALPINE. (MILES O'REILLY.) SONG OF THE ICHTHYOSAURUS. [This curious specimen of German scientific humor refers to the close of the Jurassic (or Liassic) period and the beginning of the Cretaceous, and describes the sad forebodings of a venerable Saurian, who sees in the degeneracy of the times a sign of the coming cataclysm. The translator says, "Among the many extraordinary liberties which we have felt obliged to take with the letter of the original, in order to preserve as far as possible its spirit and its flowing movement, the most violent is the substitution in the last stanza but one, of an entirely new (and poor) joke for the very neat, but tintranslatable jeu of the German. The last two lines of the stanza are: Sie kamen zu tief in die Kreide; Da war es natürlich vorbei.' The literal meaning is, They got too deep in the chalk, and it was, of course, all up with them." The allusion is to the score chalked up by a landlord against some bibulous but impecunious customer; and the notion that the Saurians ran up so large an ac. count for drinks that the chalk required to mark their indebtedness smothered the whole race, and brought on the Cretaceous or chalk period, is so absurdly funny that it is a pity to sacrifice it."] THERE's a rustling in the rushes, There's a flashing in the sea, There's a tearful Ichthyosaurus Swims hither mournfully! TO THE PLIOCENE SKULL. A GEOLOGICAL ADDRess. ["A human skull has been found in California, in the pliocene formation. This skull is the remnant, not only of the carliest pioneer of this State, but the oldest known human being. . . . . The skull was found in a shaft one hundred and fifty feet deep, two miles from Angel's, in Calaveras County, by a miner named James Matson, who gave it to Mr. Scribner, a merchant, and he gave it to Dr. Jones, who sent it to the State Geological Survey. . . . . The published volume of the State Survey on the Geology of California states that man existed contemporaneously with the mastodon, but this fossil proves that he was here before the mastodon was known to exist." Daily Paper.] "SPEAK, Oman, less recent! Fragmentary fossil! Primal pioneer of pliocene formation, Hid in lowest drifts below the earliest stratum Of Volcanic tufa! Older than the beasts, the oldest Palæotherium; THE JOVIAL BEGGAR. A bag for his oatmeal, And a long pair of crutches, And a-begging we will go, etc. A bag for his wheat, And a little bottle by his side, To drink when he's a-dry. Seven years I begged For my old master Wilde; I begged for my master, And a-begging we will go, etc. But, sure, I think that I can drink With any that wears a hood. I stuff my skin so full within Both foot and hand go cold; But, belly, God send thee good ale enough, I love no roast but a nut-brown toast, A little bread shall do me stead, No frost nor snow, nor wind, I trow, I am so wrapt, and thorowly lapt Loveth well good ale to seek, 66 Sweetheart, I took my part Of this jolly good ale and old." Back and side go bare, go bare, etc. Now let them drink till they nod and wink, Even as good fellows should do; They shall not miss to have the bliss Good ale doth bring men to; And all poor souls that have scoured bowls, COME! fill a fresh bumper, - for why should we Or have them lustily trowled, God save the lives of them and their wives, Whether they be young or old! Back and side go bare, go bare; Both foot and hand go cold; But, belly, God send thee good ale enough, Whether it be new or old! GLUGGITY GLUG. JOHN STILL. FROM THE MYRTLE AND THE VINE." A JOLLY fat friar loved liquor good store, And he had drunk stoutly at supper; He mounted his horse in the night at the door, And sat with his face to the crupper: "Some rogue," quoth the friar, "quite dead to remorse, Some thief, whom a halter will throttle, Some scoundrel has cut off the head of my horse, While I was engaged at the bottle, Which went gluggity, gluggity-glug - glug―glug." go |