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HUMOROUS POEMS.

III.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. And thence I date my contempt for Asses,

And my deep respect for the Devil's Tail !
WHERE, 0, where are the visions of morning,
Fresh as the dews of our prime ?

II.
Gone, like tenants that quit without warning, I shall never forget the exquisite feeling
Down the back entry of time.

Of elevation, sans thought, sans care,

When I twisted my tail round the wood's bough. Where, 0, where are life's lilies and roses,

ceiling, Nursed in the golden dawn's smile ?

And swung, meditatively, in the air. Dead as the bulrushes round little Moses,

There's an advantage ! - Fairer shapes can On the old banks of the Nile.

Aspire, yearn upward, tremble and glow,

But, by means of their posteriority, apes can Where are the Marys, and Anns, and Elizas, Loving and lovely of yore ?

Look down on aspirants that walk below! Look in the columns of old Advertisers, Married and dead by the score.

There was a life for a calm philosopher,

Self-supplied with jacket and trousers and Where the gray colts and the ten-year-old fillies, socks, Saturday's triumph and joy!

Nothing to learn, no hopes to get cross over, Gone like our friend hóðas ükús Achilles,

A head that resisted the hardest knocks, Homer's ferocious old boy.

Liquor and meat in serene fruition,

A random income from taxes free, Die-away dreams of ecstatic emotion,

No cares at all, and but one ambition, Hopes like young eagles at play,

To swing by the Tail to the bough of a tree ! Vows of unheard-of and endless devotion, How ye have faded away!

IV.

Whence I firmly believe, to the consternation Yet, though the ebbing of Time's mighty river

Of puppies who think monkeyosophy sin, Leave our young blossoms to die,

In gradual human degeneration Let him roll smooth in his current forever,

And a general apely origin. Till the last pebble is dry.

Why, the simple truth's in a nutshell or thimble, OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES.

Though it rouses the monkey in ignorant elves; And the Devil's Tail is a delicate symbol

Of apehood predominant still in ourselves. METEMPSYCHOSIS.

V.

Pure class government, family glory, ROSALIND. Look here what I found on a palm-tree: I was never so be-rhymed since Pythagoras' time, that I was an Irish Were the delights of that happy lot; rat, which I can hardly remember. - AS YOU LIKE IT.

My politics were serenely Tory, 1.

And I claimed old descent from Heaven knows I DISTINCTLY remember (and who dares doubt me?)

what: Having been (now, I care not who believes !) Whence I boast extraction loftier, nobler, An ape with a forest around about me,

Than the beggarly Poets one often meets, Prodigious trees and enormous leaves, A boast I am happy to share with the cobbler Great bulks of flowers, gigantic grasses,

Who whisked his Tail out, to whip John Boughs that bent not to any gale ;

Keats.

deckt, up,

BY ONE ELEVEN YEARS IN PRISON.

SONG BY ROGERO IN "THE ROVERS."

VI.

THE FRIEND OF HUMANITY AND THE There was a life, I assever! With reasons

KNIFE-GRINDER. That lead me to scorn every star-gazing Ass;

FRIEND OF HUMANITY. And because I loved it, at certain seasons 'T is a pleasure to gaze in the looking-glass.

NEEDY knife-grinder! whither are you going! When the bright sun beckons the spring, green. Bleak blows the blast ;- your hat has got alole

Rough is the road ; your wheel is out of orier,

in 't; The Ape swells within me; whenever I see Mortals look skyward, walking erect up,

So have your breeches ! I long for a Tail and a large strong Tree !

Weary knife-grinder ! little think the proud onas, ROBERT BUCHANAN.

Who in their coaches roll along the turnpikeroad, what hard work 't is crying all day 'Knives

and THE UNIVERSITY OF GOTTINGEN.

Scissors to grind 0!'

Tell me, knife-grinder, how came you to grind WHENE'ER with haggard eyes I view

knives? This dungeon that I'm rotting in, Did some rich man tyrannically use you? I think of those companions true

Was it the squire ? or parson of the parish ? Who studied with me at the U.

Or the attorney ?
niversity of Gottingen,
niversity of Gottingen.

Was it the squire for killing of his game ? or

Covetous parson for his tithes distraining ! (Weeps, and pulls out a blue kerchief, with which he wipes or roguish lawyer made you lose your little his eyes; gasing tenderly at it, he proceeds :)

All in a lawsuit ? Sweet kerchief, checked with heavenly blue,

Which once my love sat knotting in - (Have you not read the Rights of Man, by Tom Alas, Matilda then was true !

Paine ?) At least I thought so at the U.

Drops of compassion tremble on my eyelids, niversity of Gottingen, Ready to fall as soon as you have told your niversity of Gottingen.

Pitiful story.
Barbs ! barbs ! alas ! how swift you flew,

KNIFE-GRINDER.
Her neat post-wagon trotting in !
Ye bore Matilda from my view;

Story! God bless you ! I have none to tell, sir ; Forlorn I languished at the U

Only, last night, a-drinking at the Chequers,

This niversity of Gottingen,

poor old hat and breeches, as you see, were

Torn in a scutite. niversity of Gottingen. This faded form ! this pallid hue !

Constables came up for to take me into This blood my veins is clotting in !

Custody; they took me before the justice; My years are many, — they were few

Justice Oldmixon put me in the parish. When first I entered at the U.

stocks for a vagrant. niversity of Gottingen, I should be glad to drink your honor's health in niversity of Gottingen.

A pot of beer, if you will give me sixpence; There first for thee my passion grew, But for my part, I never love to meddle Sweet, sweet Matilda Pottingen!

With politics, sir. Thou wast the daughter of my tu. tor, law-professor at the U.

niversity of Gottingen, I give thee sixpence! I will see thee damned niversity of Gottingen.

first,

Wretch! whom no sense of wrongs can rouse to Sun, moon, and thou, vain world, adieu,

vengeance, That kings and priests are plotting in ;

Sordid, unfeeling, reprobate, degraded, Here doomed to starve on water gru

Spiritless outcast ! el, never shall I see the l'. niversity of Gottingen, (Kicks the knife-grinder, overturns his wheel, and eri

in a transport of republican enthusiasm and artorrad niversity of Gottingen.

philanthropy )

FRIEND OF HUMANITY.

GEORGE CANNING.

GEORGE CANNING

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Whereby we find
That, when all things were recent,

(So paradoxical is human kind :) Till folks grew naughty, they were, burely, decent. Thus, dress may date its origin

Fron sin ; Which proves, beyond the shadow of dispute, How inany owe their livelihoods to fruit;

For fruit caused sin, and sin brought shame, And all through shame our dresses came, With that sad stopper of our breath,

Death!

Now, had not woman worked our fall, How many, who have trades and arocations, Would shut up shop, in these our polished nations, And have no business to transact at all!

GEORGE COLMAN.

AMERICAN ARISTOCRACY.

Of all the notable things on earth,
The queerest one is pride of birth

Among our fierce democracy” !
A bridge across a hundred years,
Without a prop to save it from sneers,
Not even a couple of rotten peers,
A thing for laughter, fleers, and jeers,

Is American aristocracy !
English and Irish, French and Spanish,
Germans, Italians, Dutch and Danish,
Crossing their veins until they vanish

In one conglomeration !
So subtle a tangle of blood, indeed,
No Heraldry Harvey will ever succeed

In finding the circulation.
Depend upon it, my snobbish friend,
Your family thread you can't ascend,
Without good reason to apprehend
You may find it waxed, at the farther end,

By some plebeian vocation !
Or, worse that that, your boasted line
May end in a loop of stronger twine,
That plagued some worthy relation !

John G. SAXE.

PLAIN LANGUAGE FROM TRUTHFUL

JAMES.

POPULARLY KNOWN AS “THE HEATHEN CHINEE."

THE MODERN BELLE.

She sits in a fashionable parlor,

And rocks in her easy chair ;
She is clad in silks and satins,

And jewels are in her hair ;
She winks and giggles and simpers,

And simpers and giggles and winks ;
And though she talks but little,

"T is a good deal more than she thinks.

She lies abed in the morning

Till nearly the hour of noon,
Then comes down snapping and snarling

Because she was called so soon ;
Her hair is still in papers,

Her cheeks still fresh with paint,
Remains of her last night's blushes,

Before she intended to faint.

She dotes upon men unshaven,

And men with “ flowing hair";
She's eloquent over mustaches,

They give such a foreign air.
She talks of Italian music,

And falls in love with the moon ;
And, if a mouse were to meet her,

She would sink away in a swoon.

Her feet are so very little,

Her hands are so very white,
Her jewels so very heavy,

And her head so very light;
Her color is made of cosmetics

(Though this she will never own),
Her body is made mostly of cotton,

ler heart is made wholly of stone.

She falls in love with a fellow

Who swells with a foreign air;
He marries her for her money,

She marries him for his hair!
One of the very best matches,

Both are well mated in life;
She's got a fool for a husband,

He's got a fool for a wife !

STARK.

HOW IT HAPPENED.

FROM “ THE KNIGHT AND THE LADY."

Adam and Eve were, at the world's beginning, Ishamed of nothing till they took to sinning; But after Adam's slip, — the first was Eve's, –

With sorrow big,

They sought the fig, To cool their blushes with its banging leaves.

Which I wish to remark

And my language is plain That for ways that are dark

And for tricks that are vain, The heathen Chinee is peculiar :

Which the same I would rise to explain.

Ab Sin was his name;

And I shall not deny In regard to the same

What that name might imply ; But his smile it was pensive and childlike,

As I frequent remarked to Bill Nye.

It was August the third,

And quite soft was the skies, Which it might be inferred

That Ah Sin was likewise : Yet he played it that day upon William

And me in a way I despise.

Which we had a small game,

And Ah Sin took a hand :
It was euchre.

The same
He did not understand ;
But he smiled, as he sat by the table,

With the smile that was childlike and bland.

Yet the cards they were stocked

In a way that I grieve,
And my feelings were shocked

At the state of Nye's sleeve,
Which was stuffed full of aces and bowers,

And the same with intent to deceive.

But the hands that were played

By that heathen Chinee,
And the points that he made,

Were quite frightful to see —
Till at last he put down a right hower,

Which the same Nye had dealt unto me.

Then I looked up at Nye,

And he gazed upon me; And he rose with a sigh,

And said, “Can this be ? We are ruined by Chinese cheap labor,"

And he went for that heathen Chinee.

In the scene that ensued

I did not take a hand, But the floor it was strewed

Like the leaves on the strand With the cards that Ah Sin had been hiding

In the game “he did not understand.”

Which is why I remark,

And my language is plain,
That for ways that are dark,

And for tricks that are vain,
The heathen Chinee is peculiar —
Which the same I am free to maintain.

FRANCIS BRET HARTE.

NONSENSE.

Good reader, if you e'er have seen,

When Phoebus hastens to his pillow,
The mermaids, with their tresses green

Dancing upon the western billow ;
If you have seen at twilight dim,
When the lone spirit's vesper-hymn

Floats wild along the winding shore,
If you have seen through mist of eve
The fairy train their ringlets weave,
Glancing along the spangled green ;

If you have seen all this, and more,
God bless me! what a deal you've seen !

THOMAS MOORE.

WOMAN'S WILL.

AN EPIGRAM.

Men dying make their wills — but wives

Escape a work so sad ; Why should they make what all their lives

The gentle dames have had ?

JOHN GODFREY SAXE.

BACHELOR'S HALL.

BACHELOR's Hall, what a comical place it is !

Keep me from such all the days of my life! Sure but he knows what a burning disgrace it is,

Never at all to be getting a wife.

See the old bachelor, gloomy and sad enough,

Fussing around while he's making his fire ; His kettle has tipt up,och, honey, he's mad enough,

If he were present, to fight with the squire ! Pots, dishes, and pans, and such other com

modities, Ashes and praty-skins, kiver the floor ; His cupboard a storehouse of comical oddities,

Things never thought of as neighbors before. When his mealit is over, the table's left sittin' so ;

Dishes, take care of yourselves if you can; Devil a drop of hot water will visit ye.

Och, let him alone for a baste of a man !

In his sleeves, which were long,

He had twenty-four packs Which was coming it strong,

Yet ! state but the facts. And we found on his nails, which were taper

What is frequent in tapers – that's wax.

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