I HAD finished my collegiate studies, obtained my degree, and had entered the law office of an eminent solicitor. The choice of a profession had occasioned me no little perplexity. For divinity I was unfortunately not qualified, and as to law and medicine, I regarded them both with nearly equal aversion. But there was no remedy; I was not one of the silver spoons of this world, and to one of the "three black Graces" I must sacrifice myself. The legal profession, upon the whole, I considered the least objectionable; for though it has not been inaptly defined to be the indiscriminate defence of right and wrong," and in the successful prosecution of it I might lose every particle of my virtue-yet still, said I with a feeling worthy of a Curtius, so let it be let me become the veriest shark in existence, rather than be guilty of the monstrous hypocrisy of spending my leisure hours in inventing new diseases, and then pretending to go forth into the world to combat them.

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The first incident in my new career was not a flattering one. A bill in Chancery was put into my hands to copy, but on looking it over I was so much struck with its tedious and unnecessary prolixity, that I resolved at once to alter it. "If the Chancellor is a man of sense," I reasoned," he will be much more favorably impressed with a straight-forward, manly exposition of the case, than by such a wretched involved affair as this, even if it is larded with humble en treaties to "his Honor," and pious and pathetic promises that he will ever pray (for patience for his readers I should fain hope); and then the vanity and arrogance of styling oneself "your orator"-for surely, if this is a specimen of the writer's abilities, he is as little entitled to the epithet as any man living. However, his early advantages were doubtless defective, and I will do him a good service without his knowing it." So at it I went, and in a short time I cut off all needless repetitions, put it into fair intelligible English, and reduced it from eighty to fifty folio, and it was a proud moment when I placed it in his hands

LAW.

and modestly waited for the outpourings of his gratitude.

"What is this?" said he hastily, the moment his eye glanced upon it; "this is not what I gave you to copy."

The same, sir, only a little altered and amended."

"The fellow's a fool," he exclaimed, "here, Harris, throw this into the fire, and make me out an exact copy of the original; a pretty affair, to suppose that a tyro like you understands these things better than I do. However, let it pass. I perceive, young man, you wholly misunderstand the scope end genius of our profession. The first thing to be considered when a cause is put into your hands, is to what extent you can benefit yourself, and secondly of course, your client. As most legal documents are remunerated according to their length, your object should be to make them as voluminous as possible. Whether they are particularly lucid or not, is no affair of yours; your business being merely to draw them -it is for the Judge to understand them. Were your plan carried out we should soon all starve, and the profession be worse than nothing."

These hints were not lost upon me, and from that moment there was no more cause for complaint. Every ill-spelled word, and every thumbmark that graced the original, was duly transferred to the copy, and I nearly ruined my own fair chirography in my hopeless attempts to rival my employer's precious pot-hooks.

Thus rolled three years away, and the time arrived when I was to be admitted to the bar. It was a critical period, for I was profoundly ignorant of my profession, but by the aid of good guessing, and having literally "a friend at court "--for one of the examiners had been an early associate of my father's-I succeeded in obtaining my license and if an unwor thy member became attached to the legal profession, upon others rest the responsibility-not me.

This important point settled, the next thing to be determined was, what part of the country should have the benefit of my talents; and after boring my friends

to death for advice, and spending two entire days in examining the map of the Empire State, I at length fixed upon the county of Chemung. How that moment my heart warmed to it. "Others may patronize Cattaraugus, or Chatauque, or whatever breakjaw places they choose," I exclaimed, "but as for me, I will devote myself, body and soul, to dear little Chemung." I was led mainly to this determination by some piquant stories I had heard of their proceedings in court, and also from the practical good sense of its inhabitants, as is evinced in the naming of their towns; for Horsehead and Painted Post had a tangibility in their signification, that augured well for a profession

that deal in facts not fancies.

A few days sufficed to complete the necessary arrangements, and to bring me to my destined sphere of action; and now behold me the occupant of an office with the name of Philip Stanley on the outside, in letters so large that he who runs might read," and within, my pigeonholes duly filled with business-like looking papers, my few books rather ostentatiously paraded, and only waitng for the arrival of Sunday to shew the inhabitants of Bellevue Four Corners, what a good-looking fellow had come to live and die with them.

Sunday is doubtless a day of some consequence in town, but it is everything in the country. It is then that the village belle parades all her finery, and every new comer is strictly scrutinized and canvassed. Aware of the importance of first impressions, I prinked an unwonted time before my mirror, and when I walked into the church I was certain the eyes of the whole congregation were upon me. Determined to go through the thing handsomely, I threw a sixpence into the hat to help distant Burmah, refreshed myself with dill and carraway kindly proffered by an aged handmaid, took notes of the sermon, and in the psalms and hymns showed myself to be such an "independent singer," that I only feared I had made a mortal enemy of the chorister. The services over, I walked slowly home, looking neither to the right hand nor the left, and retired to my pillow to dream of declarations, judgment records and satisfaction prices.

The next morning found me duly at my post, and soon my eyes were greeted with the sight of two elderly worthies moving up the street, and coming in the direction of my office. They introduced themselves

as Deacon Triggs and Esquire Nubbins : and if ever true urbanity and politeness were manifested in this round world, they were manifested that morning at Bellevue Four Corners. Grasping their hats and canes, I begged them to be seated: and then permitting them to open the ball—if the metaphor is allowable in such grave company-I answered in full to all the questions propounded to me, as to my motive for coming, my age, the place of my birth, the name of my parents, the time of their death, etc., etc.—and then came my turn. I took the highest ground on the side of virtue and morality-and I was not jesting either dear reader, only putting the best foot foremost. I avowed myself a member of the temperance society, desired the privilege of visiting their common schools-commended the preaching, extolled the psalmody-in short, not to be vain-glorious, I so worked myself into their good graces, that at parting Esquire Nubbins intimated a wish that I should assist his son Ezekiel, who was unfortunately engaged in a controversy with one of his neighbors. Thanking him in the warmest manner for the confidence reposed in me, I bowed them out with the full conviction that business had now begun in good earnest.

The next day my promised client presented himself, and had he been my own brother he could not have met a more rapturous greeting. "Good morning, Mr. Nubbins, I am happy to see you Mr. Nubbins, I hope you enjoy good health Mr. Nubbins," and wishing to put him entirely at his ease, I tended my foot and placed myself as nearly in the shape of the figure four as mortal sinews would permit.

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Mostly," said he, in reply to my last interrogatory; "I have had a slight flyround with the phthysic, but I've now got putty formidable again."

After a few more observations of an equally interesting character, he proceeded to business. These were the facts set forth. A thunder storm overtook him just as he was taking home a load of hay. Obliged to run his team, he lost off so large a portion of it that he reached the homestead with only a jag. Supposing, however, he could collect it at his leisure, he slept as usual-but judge of his surprise when, on looking for it the next morning, he found it had entirely vanished.

"A case of trover," said I, impress

ively.

"Is it possible," said he; "I knew it was something bad, but I'd no thought it was so bad as that."

"Yes, sir,” I again repeated, " a case of trover as round as a ring. Have you any suspicions of the culprit?"

"Yes, sir, it was Jo Ricks; 1 traced it to his premises, and can swear to it." "Was it timothy grass," said I, determined to show off a little.

I

"Indeed it was, and as pretty a lot of timothy as ever you set eyes on. I think I ought to know, for I mowed it myself; and what with bumble-bees and hornets, guess I've suffered as much as any man of my inches. Why, sir," and he looked me appealingly in the face, "I never mowed a day in my life without being one continued sting from my shoes upward. But as to Jo Ricks, what course do you advise?”

"He must be made to disembogue, so to speak. I can issue a casa, or a capias, or if you feel very inveterate a writ of fieri facias."

"Ah! that's the thing for my moneythat sounds well; what will it do to him?" "He'll know, and I'll warrant he'll not make love to other people's timothy again in a hurry."

After considerable more conversation, he rather faintly inquired if there was anything to pay; and on my saying a retaining fee was usual in such cases, he fished very diligently in either pocket: but not being able to line anything to the surface but a solitary tenpenny piece, I waved the ceremony till the business should be finally adjusted.

The next day was a stormy one, but it did not prevent my friend's making his appearance, and with him a new candidate for my professional exertions. The face of the new comer was so entirely enveloped in a black silk handkerchief, that it was impossible to distinguish his features; but as his voice was singularly nasal and disagreeable, it was but fair to infer that everything about was conform able. A few minutes' conversation convinced me that Mr. Jakes was a pretty common specimen of humanity-but he was a man for a' that." The majesty of the law had been violated in his person-he had sustained a cruel wrong; and it was not for me to flinch because my clients were not all of them a Sydney or a Bayard.

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"Dan Bruce has bit off my nose," said he bluntly," and I've come to consult you about damages."

We should much prefer to give the account in Mr. Jakes' own strong and nervous language; but we live in a fastidious age, and plain and homespun truths will not be tolerated, unless, like “sugar-coated pills," they are daintily dressed up therefore, those of my readers who are interested in nought but tales of elegant distress, had better proceed no farther.

The circumstances were briefly these: Mr. Bruce and my client were attendants and rivals at the village singing-school; and meeting one day, Mr. Bruce reproached the latter with his ignorance of the first principles of psalmody, and with a sad breakdown, which it seems Mr. Jakes had made in a certain fugueing passage, on a recent public occasion. Such an insult was not to be endured, and after a few bitter words, they closed in mortal combat. There was a short, sharp yell, as of one "o'ermastered in his agony," and when they were forcibly separated, my client was found to be minus an important feature. Indifferent to his "outward man," he repudiated the idea that he lamented it from any personal considerations, but there was one result which came much nearer to his "business and bosom." The partic ular sense enshrined in that locality, had become, from its exposure, so preternaturally acute, that certain agricultural duties, (which the classical reader will at once understand as those which the heroic Hercules achieved, by turning the course of a river,) had become so intol erable to him, that he was "necessitated"

to use his own words to relinquish them, and yet he was the least squeamish fellow breathing. It is true, a member of the healing art had kindly offered to repair the injury, by substituting a piece of the "raw material," cut from some other portion of the human frame; but this Mr. Jakes very properly declined, except upon the condition that the operator should himself furnish the piece. Everything was tried, but without success; and he could not consent, any more than the English, to go with his ports open. Fancy noses of putty, sick

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Facilis descensus Averni. Sed revocare gradum, hoc opes, hic labor est,' which may be thus translated: It is an easy thing to bite off a nose; but when you come to replace it, here is the trouble, here is the perplexity. The first thing to be considered is, in what way was the member lopped from its parent stem? Were the mere point taken off, such are the recuperative powers of nature, that in due time it would be restored again, and you would be entitled to compensation only for the loss of its services; but were it torn up absolutely by the roots, so to speak, you might claim exemplary damages; but in either case, the amount would be regulated something by its size and general comeliness," and I appealed to Mr. Nubbins, as a disinterested witness on that point. Mr. Nubbins talked very sensibly on the subject, and said the act was less justifiable, from the fact that it was not one of those prying, inquisitive noses, that go poking about into other people's concerns, and also from the mode in which it was done: that had he made a clean sweep of it, the offence could have been borne; but that he had performed it in so jagged and unfeeling a manner, that it was evident that it would never close up handsomely. As to its appearance, it was of the class called bottle, and might weigh half an ounce

or so.

Mr. Jakes said, from its not being a marketable commodity, it was difficult to form an estimate of its value, but he should think it was, at least, worth a dollar! he had always considered them as useful in wearing spectacles and snuff taking, but he had never known its worth till he had lost it, thus verifying the remark of the poet, "Those blessings brighten as they take their flight."

I will not fatigue my readers, by detailing all the particulars of the inter

view. Suffice it to say, that after much interesting discussion we separated, and I hastened to acquaint myself with the pains and penalties attached to the crime of mayhem. To make out my brief was the work of a moment, and recollecting that the famous Grecian orator was in the habit of perfecting himself by private rehearsals, I resolved to follow his example. My arm-chair figured as judge, and the remaining five as jurymen; and fixing my eyes on a large knothole which blazed in the forehead of the foreman, I commenced with

"Gentlemen of the Jury:

6

"When I consider that I am about to address such an array of talent and learning, I well may tremble at my youth and inexperience; but strong in the justice of my cause, I feel that I could brave the assembled universe. Gentlemen, my client is well known to you. You all remember when he rejoiced in the usual complement of features-but now, how is it? Alas! an aching, aching void! You have heard the sickening detail of crime, but permit me to recapitulate it. Fatigued with his rural duties, my client strolls forth- his custom always in the afternoon' and meets his pseudo friend. Learners of the same gamut, warblers from the same singing-book, one would have thought their souls would be attuned to harmony-but no! (what a comment on the power of song!") the defendant derisively inquires if he has yet been able to find the mi? Gentlemen, if to be ignorant of this great secret of psalmody is a crime, then is the humble individual who now addresses you, then was that ornament of the English bar, the great Lord Eldon, most guilty, for to him was the science of music as a sealed book. Touch my honor and you touch my life! The soul of valor and of knightly courage and feeling a stain like a wound'-what does my client do? Casting the imputation back into his teeth, they close in a deadly embrace. They fall-he is beneath. Talk of guardian angels! it is all a hum, for if 'twere not, they would have rescued him in his hour of peril. That unguarded moment the caitiff seizes to make a snap at my client's hapless visage; and he rises mangled, bereavedand to sum up all, in his own expressive language spilte.' There was 'a pang sharper than a serpent's tooth,' and the deed was done. Oh! had he met with

"