Oldalképek
PDF
ePub
[blocks in formation]

HUMOROUS PIECES.

SCENE FROM THE RIVALS.

Captain Absolute. Now for a parental lecture—I hope he has heard nothing of the business that has brought me here - I wish the gout had held him fast in Devonshire, with all my heart!

[Enter Sir Anthony.]

Sir, I am delighted to see you here, and looking so well! — your sudden arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health!

Sir Anthony. Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack. — What, you are recruiting here, hey?

Capt. Yes, sir, I am on duty.

Sir. Anth. Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it; for I was going to write to you on a little matter of business. Jack, I have been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long.

Capt. Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty, and I pray fervently that you may continue so.

Sir Anth. I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well then, Jack, I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty, I may continue to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small pittance for a lad of your spirit. Capt. Sir, you are very good.

Sir A. And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble independence.

Capt. Sir, your kindness overpowers me. Yet, sir, I presume you would not wish me to quit the army?

Sir Anth. Oh! that shall be as your wife chooses.

Capt. My wife, sir!

Sir Anth. Ay, ay, settle that between you— settle that between you.

Capt. A wife, sir,`did you say?

Sir Anth. Ay, a wife — why, did I not mention that before.
Capt. Not a word of her, sir.

Sir Anth. Odds so! — I mustn't forget her though — Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of is by marriage-the fortune is saddled with a wife; but I suppose that makes no difference?

Capt. Sir! sir! you amaze me!

Sir Anth. Why, what the devil's the matter with the fool? Just now you were all gratitude and duty.

Capt. I was, sir. — You talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a word of a wife.

[ocr errors]

Sir Anth. Why, what difference does that make? — Odds life, sir! if you have the estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands.

Capt. Pray, sir, who is the lady?

Sir Anth. What's that to you, sir? — Come, give me your promise to love and to marry her directly.

Capt. Sure, sir, this is not very reasonable; to summon my affections for a lady I know nothing of?

Sir Anth. I am sure, sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a lady you know nothing of.

Capt. You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this point I cannot obey you.

Sir Anth. Hark ye, Jack; - I have heard you for some time with patience—I have been cool-quite cool; but take care—you know I am compliance itself, when I am not thwarted; no one more easily led, when I have my own way: but don't put me in a frenzy. Capt. Sir, I must repeat it - in this I cannot obey you.

[ocr errors]

Sir Anth. Now hang me! if ever I call you Jack again while I

live!

Capt. Nay, sir, but hear me.

Sir Anth. Sir, I won't hear a word—not a word; not one word! so give me your promise by a nod. And I'll tell you what, JackI mean, you dog-if you don't

Capt. What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness! Sir Anth. 'Sdeath, sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose : she shall have a hump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the crescent; her one eye shall roll like the bull's in Cox's Museum; she shall have a skin like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew. She shall be all this, sirrah! yet I'll make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty.

Capt. This is reason and moderation indeed!

Sir Anth. None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes. Capt. Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humor for mirth in my life.

Sir Anth. 'Tis false, sir; I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah!

Capt. Sir, I hope I know my duty better.

Sir Anth. None of your passion, sir! none of your violence, if you please it wont do with me, I promise you.

Capt. Indeed, sir, I was never cooler in my life.

Sir Anth. 'Tis a confounded lie! - I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog — but it won't do.

Capt. Nay, sir, upon my word

[ocr errors]

Sir Anth. So you will fly out! can't you be cool, like me? What good can passion do? Passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent, over-bearing reprobate! There, you sneer again! don't provoke me! but you rely upon the mildness of my temper -you do, you dog! you play upon the meekness of my disposition! Yet, take care -the patience of a saint may be overcome at last - but mark! I give you six hours and a half to consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do every thing on earth that I choose, why, confound you! I may in time forgive you - if not, 'sdeath! don't enter the same hemisphere with me; don't dare to breathe the same air, or use the same light with me; but

get an atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission; I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you shall live on the interest. I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you! and hang me! if ever I call you Jack again!

Captain Absolute. "Tis just as Fag told me, indeed! Whimsical enough, 'faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with! He must not know of my connexion with her yet awhile. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters; however, I'll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed; but I can assure him, it is very sincere. So, so, here he comes: he looks plaguy gruff.

[Enter Sir Anthony.]

Sir Anthony. No-I'll die sooner than forgive him! Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years to plague him! At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper - an obstinate - passionate - self-willed boy! Who can he take after? This is my return for what I have done for him! for putting him at twelve years old into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since! But I have done with himhe's anybody's son for me -I never will see him more - never

[merged small][ocr errors][merged small]

Capt. Now for a penitential face!

Sir Anth. Fellow, get out of my way!

Capt. Sir, you see a penitent before you.

Sir Anth. I see an impudent scoundrel before me.

-

Capt. A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will.

Sir Anth. What's that?

Capt. I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me.

« ElőzőTovább »