MARL. (Aside.) Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an innkeeper's philosophy.

HAST. So then, like an experienced general, you attack them on every quarter. If you find their reason manageable, you attack it with your philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with this. Here's your health, my philosopher. (Drinks.)

HARD. Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! ha! Your generalship puts me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of Belgrade.

You shall hear.

MARL. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I believe it's almost time to talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house for supper?

HARD. For supper, Sir! (Aside.) Was ever such a request to a man in his own house!

MARL. Yes, Sir, supper, Sir; I begin to feel an appetite. I shall make devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you.

HARD. (Aside.) Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. (To him.) Why, really, Sir, as for supper, I can't well tell. My Dorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between them. I leave these kind of things entirely to them.

MARL. You do, do you?

HARD. Entirely. By the by, I believe they are in actual consultation upon what's for supper this moment in the kitchen.

admit me as one of their privy

When I travel I always choose

MARL. Then I beg they'll council. It's a way I have got. to regulate my own supper. Let the cook be called. No of fence I hope, Sir?

HARD. O no, Sir, none in the least; yet I don't know how; our Bridget, the cook-maid, is not very communicative upon these

occasions. Should we send for her, she might scold us all out of the house.

HAST. Let's see your list of the larder then. I ask it as a favor. I always match my appetite to my bill of fare.

MARL. (TO HARDCASTLE, who looks at them with surprise.) Sir, he's very right, and it's my way too.

HARD. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, bring us the bill of fare for to-night's supper: I believe it's drawn out. Your manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel Wallop. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper till he had eaten it.

HAST. (Aside.) All upon the high rope! His uncle a colonel! we shall soon hear of his mother being a justice of the peace. But let's hear the bill of fare.

MARL. (Perusing.) What's here? For the first course; for the second course; for the dessert. The devil, Sir, do you think we have brought down the whole joiner's company, or the corporation of Bedford, to eat up such a supper? Two or three little things, clean and comfortable, will do.

MARL. (Reading.) For the first course at the top, a pig, and pruin sauce.

HAST. Damn your pig, I say.

MARL. And damn your pruin sauce, say I.

HARD. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig with pruin sauce is very good eating.

MARL. At the bottom a calf's tongue and brains.

HAST. Let your brains be knocked out, my good Sir, I don't

like them.

MARL. Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves.

HARD. (Aside.) Their impudence confounds me. (To them.)

Gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is there any thing else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen?

MARL. Item. A pork pie, a boiled rabbit and sausages, a Florentine, a shaking pudding, and a dish of tiff―taff-taffety

cream.

HAST. Confound your made dishes; I shall be as much at a loss in this house as at a green and yellow dinner at the French ambassador's table. I'm for plain eating.

HARD. I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like, but if there be any thing you have a particular fancy to

MARL. Why really, Sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that any one part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please. So much for supper. And now to see that our beds are aired, and properly taken care of.

HARD. I entreat you'll leave all that to me. You shall not stir a step.

MARL. Leave that to you! I protest, Sir, you must excuse me, I always look to these things myself.

HARD. I must insist, Sir, you'll make yourself easy on that head.

MARL. You see I'm resolved on it. (Aside.) A very troublesome fellow this, as I ever met with.

HARD. Well, Sir, I'm resolved at least to attend you. (Aside.) This may be modern modesty, but I never saw any thing look so like old-fashioned impudence.

[Exeunt MARLOW and HARDCASTLE. HAST. (Alone.) So I find this fellow's civilities begin to grow troublesome. But who can be angry at those assiduities which are meant to please him?-Ha! what do I see? Miss Neville, by all that's happy!

Enter MISS NEVILLE.

MISS NEV. My dear Hastings! To what unexpected good fortune, to what accident, am I to ascribe this happy meeting?

HAST. Rather let me ask the same question, as I could never have hoped to meet my dearest Constance at an inn.

MISS NEV. An inn! sure you mistake; my aunt, my guardian, lives here. What could induce you to think this house an inn?

HAST. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, have been sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, whom we accidentally met at a house hard by, directed us hither.

MISS NEV.

Certainly, it must be one of my hopeful cousin's tricks, of whom you have heard me talk so often; ha ha! ha! HAST. He whom your aunt intends for you? he of whom I have such just apprehensions?

MISS NEV. You have nothing to fear from him, I assure you. You'd adore him if you knew how heartily he despises me. My aunt knows it too, and has undertaken to court me for him, and actually begins to think she has made a conquest.

HAST. Thou dear dissembler! you must know, my Constance, I have just seized this happy opportunity of my friend's visit here to get admittance into the family. The horses that carried us down are now fatigued with their journey, but they'll soon be refreshed; and then, if my dearest girl will trust in her faithful Hastings, we shall soon be landed in France, where even among slaves the laws of marriage are respected.*

MISS NEV. I have often told you, that though ready to obey you, I yet should leave my little fortune behind with reluctance. The greatest part of it was left me by my uncle, the India di

* [See LIFE, vol. ii. p, 394.]

rector, and chiefly consists in jewels. I have been for some time persuading my aunt to let me wear them. I fancy I'm very near succeeding. The instant they are put into my possession, you shall find me ready to make them and myself yours.

HAST. Perish the baubles! Your person is all I desire. In the mean time, my friend Marlow must not be let into his mistake. I know the strange reserve of his temper is such, that if abruptly informed of it, he would instantly quit the house before our plan was ripe for execution.

MISS NEV. But how shall we keep him in the deception? Miss Hardcastle is just returned from walking; what if we still continue to deceive him ?This, this way- [They confer.

Enter MARLOW.

MARL. The assiduities of these good people tease me beyond bearing. My host seems to think it ill manners to leave me alone, and so he claps not only himself but his old-fashioned wife on my back. They talk of coming to sup with us too; and then, I suppose, we are to run the gauntlet through all the rest of the family. What have we got here?

HAST. My dear Charles! Let me congratulate you!—The most fortunate accident!-Who do you think is just alighted? MARL.

Cannot guess.

HAST. Our mistresses, boy, Miss Hardcastle and Miss Neville. Give me leave to introduce Miss Constance Neville to your acquaintance. Happening to dine in the neighborhood, they called on their return to take fresh horses here. Miss Hardcastle has just stept into the next room, and will be back in an instant. Wasn't it lucky? eh!

MARL. (Aside.) I have been mortified enough of all conscience, and here comes something to complete my embarrass

ment.