UNCLE NED'S DEFENSE.

This was the finishing and final touch.

I rose and took no further observation.
I love my country "just about" as much-
I have for it as high a veneration

As a man whose father fought for liberty,

243

Whose veins conduct the blood of Commodore Perry can, But she was quite too very awfully

American.

Uncle Ned's Defense.

Y breddren and sisters, I rises for to splain

Dis matter what ye's talkin' 'bout; I hopes to make it plain.
I'm berry sorry dat de ting hab come before de church,
For when I splains it you will see dat it am nuffin' much.

My friends, your humble speakah, while trabblin' heah below,
Has nebber stopped to hoard up gold and silber for to show,
He's only stoppin' heah a spell; we all hab got to die,
And so I always tried to lay my treasure up on high.

Da's just one ting dat pesters me, and dat am dis, you see,
De rabens fed old Lijah, but de creturs won't feed me;
Da's got above dar business, and just go swoopin' 'round,
And nebber stop to look at me, awaitin' on de ground.
I waited mighty sartin like, my faith was powerful strong,
I reckoned dat dem pesky birds would surely come along;
But oh, my friendly hearers, my faith hes kotched a fall,
Dem aggravatin' fowls went by and never stopped at all.

De meal and flour was almost gone, de pork barrel gettin' low,
And so one day I 'cluded dat I had better go

To brudder Johnson's tater patch to borrer just a few.
'Twas evening 'fore I got a start-I had so much to do.

It happened dat de night was dark, but dat I didn't mind,
I knowed de way to dat dah patch -'twas easy nuff to find,
And den I didn't care to meet dat Johnson, for I knowed
Dat he would sass me 'bout de mess ob taters dat I owed.

I got de basket full at last, and tuck it on my back,

And den was goin' to tote it home, when somethin' went kerwhack. I tot it was a cannon; but it just turned out to be

Dat Johnson's one-hoss pistol a-pointin' straight at me.

I tried to argufy wid him, I pologized a heap,

But he said dat stealin' taters was as mean as stealin' sheep;
Ob course I could not take dat dar, it had an ugly sound,
So de only ting for me to do was just to knock him down.

And now, my friendly hearers, de story all am told,

Ob course I pounded Johnson till he yelled for me to hold; An' now I hopes you grees wid me, dat dis yer case and such Am berry triflin' matters to fotch before de church.

The Lightning-rod Dispenser.

F the weary world is willing, I've a little word to say

Of a lightning-rod dispenser that dropped down on me one

day,

With a poem in his motions, with a sermon in his mien,

With hands as white as lilies, and a face uncommon clean.
No wrinkle had his vestments, and his linen glistened white,
And his new-constructed necktie was an interesting sight;
Which I almost wish his razor had made red that white-skinned

throat,

And the new-constructed necktie had composed a hangman's

knot,

Ere he brought his sleek-trimmed carcass for my woman folks to

see,

And his rip-saw tongue a buzzin' for to gouge a gash in me.

But I couldn't help but like him as I always think I must,
The gold of my own doctrines in a fellow-heap of dust;
When I fired my own opinions at this person, round by round,
They drew an answering volley, of a very similar sound;

I touched him on religion, and the hopes my heart had known;
He said he'd had experiences quite similar of his own.

I told him of the doubtin's that made dark my early years;

He had laid awake till morning with that same old breed of

fears.

I told him of the rough path I hoped to heaven to go;

He was on that very ladder, only just a round below.

I told him of my visions of the sinfulness of gain;

He had seen the self-same picters, though not quite so clear and

plain.

Our politics was different, and at first he galled and winced;
But I arg'ed him so able he was very soon convinced.

And 'twas getting toward the middle of a hungry summer day;
There was dinner on the table, and I asked him would he stay?
And he sat down among us, everlasting trim and neat,
And asked a short, crisp blessing, almost good enough to eat;
Then he fired up on the mercies of our Great Eternal Friend,
And gave the Lord Almighty a good, first-class recommend;
And for full an hour we listened to the sugar-coated scamp,
Talking like a blessed angel-eating like a blasted tramp.

My wife, she liked the stranger, smiling on him warm and sweet
(It always flatters women when their guests are on the eat),
And he hinted that some ladies never lose their early charms,
And kissed her latest baby, and received it in his arms.
My sons and daughters liked him, for he had progressive views,
And chewed the quid of fancy, and gave down the latest news;
And couldn't help but like him, as I fear I always must,
The gold of my own doctrines in a fellow-heap of dust.

He was spreading desolation through a piece of apple pie,

When he paused, and looked upon us with a tear in his off-eye, And said, "O, happy family! your blessings make me sad;

You call to mind the dear ones that in happier days I had:

A wife as sweet as this one; a babe as bright and fair;

A little girl with ringlets, like that one over there.

THE LIGHTNING-ROD DISPENSER.

I worshiped them too blindly!-my eyes with love were dim!
God took them to his own heart, and now I worship him.
But had I not neglected the means within my way,
Then they might still be living, and loving me to-day.

247

"One night there came a tempest, the thunder-peals were dire;
The clouds that tramped above us were shooting bolts of fire;
In my own house, I, lying, was thinking, to my blame,
How little I had guarded against those shafts of flame,

When, crash!-through roof and ceiling the deadly lightning

cleft,

And killed my wife and children, and only I was left.

"Since that dread time I've wandered, and naught for life have cared,

Save to save others' loved ones, whose lives have yet been spared; Since then it is my mission, where'er by sorrow tossed,

To sell to virtuous people good lightning-rods—at cost.

With sure and strong protection I'll clothe your buildings o'er, 'Twill cost you fifty dollars (perhaps a trifle more);

What little else it comes to at lowest price I'll put

(You signing this agreement to pay so much per foot).”

I signed it, while my family all approving stood about,

And dropped a tear upon it—(but it didn't blot it out)!
That very day with wagons came some men, both great and small,
They climbed upon my buildings just as if they owned 'em all;
They hacked 'em, and they hewed 'em, much against my loud
desires;

They trimmed 'em up with gewgaws, and they bound 'em down with wires;