his feelings, and appear with perfect the fall of the wooden Xenophon, my ease after so painful an accident. face had been continually burning like

The cheerfulness of her ladyslip, a fire-brand, and I was just beginning and the familjär chat of the young la- to recover myself, and feel comfortably dies, insensibly led me to throw off cool, when an unlooked-for accident my reserve and sheepishiness ; 'til at rekindled all my heat and blushes.length I vertured to join in conversa- | Having set my plate of soup too near tion, and even to start fresh subjects

. the edge of the table, in bowing to The library being richly furnished with Miss Dinab, who politely complimentbooks in elegant bindings, I conceived ed me on the pattern of my waistcoat, sir Thomas to be a man of literature, I tumbled the whole scalding contents and ventured to give my opinion con- into my lap : in spite of an immediate cerning the several editions of the supply of napkins to wipe the surface Greek classics, in which the baronet's of my clothes, my black silk breeches opinion exactly coincided with my own. were not stout enough to save me from To this subject I was led by observing the painful effects of the sudden foan edition of Xenophon in sixteen mentation, and for some minutes my volumes, which (as I had never before legs and thighs seemed stewing in a heard of such a thing), greatly excited boiling cauldron : but recollecting my curiosity, and I rose up to exa- how sir Thomas had disguised his mine what it could be; sir Thonas saw torture when I trodle upon his toe, I what I was about, and (as I supposedl), firmly bore my pain in silence, and willing to save me trouble, rose to take sat with my lower extremities parboiled, down the book, which made ine more amidst the stifled giggling of the larlies eager to prevent him; and hastily lay- and servants. ing iny hand on the first volume, I I will not relate the several blunders pulled it forcibly,—but lo! instead of I made during the first course, or the books, a board, which by leather and distress occasioned by my being degilding had been made to look like so ma- sired to carve fowl, or help to variny volumes, came tumbling down, and ous dishes that stood near me, spilling unluckily pitched upon a wedgewood a butter-boat, and knocking down a ink-stand on the table under it. In salt-cellar,--rather let me hasten to rain did sir Thomas assure me there the second course, where fresh disaswas no harm; I saw the ink streaming ters overwhelmed me quite. from an inlaid table on the Turkey I had a piece of rich sweet pudding carpet, and scarcely knowing what I on my fork when Miss Louisa Friendly did, attempted to stop its progress begged to trouble me for a pidgeon with my cambric handkerchief. In that stood near me, in my haste, searce the height of this confusion, we were knowing what I did, I whipped it into informed that dinner was served up; my mouth, hot as a burning coal: it and I with joy perceived that the bell

, was impossible to conceal my agony, which at first had so alarmed my fears my eyes were starting from their sockwas only the half-hour dinner bell. ets: at last in spite of shame or reso

In walking through the hall, and lution, I was obliged to drop the cause ! suit of apartments to the dining-room of torment on my plate. Sir Thomas I had time to collect my scattered and the ladies all compassioned my ....B senses, and was desired to take my misfortune, and each advised a differa si seat betwixt lady Friendly and her ent application ; one recommended cldest daughter, at the table. Since 'oil, another water, but all agreed that

[ocr errors]



wine was best for drawing out the fire how much I feel on the occasion, they and a glass of Sherry was brought me will spare a Bashful Man.. from the side-board, which I snatched with eagerness.

But oh! how shall I tell the sequel ? whether the Butler by accident mistook, or purposely designed to drive me mad, he gave me To the Editor of the Winter Chronicle. the strongest brandy with which I filled my mouth, already flead and


. : : : blistered. Totally unused to every kind

In performance of the promise made of ardent spirits, with tongue, throat

, to you and your readers in your last and palate as raw as beef, what could Number but one, I continue my acI do? I could not swallow, and clap- count of the severalannoyances by which ping my hand to my mouth, the cursed our tables have been long visited; and liquor squirted through my nose and I beg at the same time to offer you my -fingers like a fountain over all the acknowledgments for the part you have dishes, and I was saluted by bursts taken towards their eradication, by inof laughter from all quarters. In vain serting a letter of such unconscionable did sir Thomas reprimand the servants length as my last, in your Gazette. and lady Friendly chide her daughters, The class standing next upon my list for the measure of my shame and their is that of the Snorers, who are upon diversion was not yet complete. the whole, so inoffensive a set, that it

To release me from the intolerable almost goes to my heart to hold them state of perspiration which this accident up to public notice. There is, morehad caused, without considering what over, some danger, lest by doing any I did, I wiped my face with that ill-thing to break them of snoring, they fated handkerchief which was still wet might also be prevented from sleeping; from the consequences of the fall of and this would be an irreparable injury to Xenophon, and covered my features our community, because, whilst in this with streaks of ink in every direction. state, they are certainly much less anThe Baronet himself could not sup- noyance to us than when wide awake; port this shock, but joined his lady in for you must know, Mr. Editor, that the general laugh, while I sprang from these same snorers, as soon as they the table in despair, rushed out of the open their eyes, are generally converted, house, and ran home in an agony of as if by magic, into hummers or drumconfusion and disgrace, which the most mers, or some other of the noisy classes poignant sense of guilt could not have I have before described. Rather

, thereexcited.

fore, than be the means of robbing our Thus without having deviated from tables of one hour's quiet during the the path of moral rectitude, I am suf- day, by finding fault with so laudable fering torments like a goblin damned; a practice as that of sleeping, I shall the lower half of me has been almost dismiss this part of the subject with exboiled, my tongue and mouth grilled, pressing a hope that some means may and I bear the mark of Cain on my be suggested of teaching these gentleforehead, yet these are but trifling men to sleep without snoring. Perconsiderations to the everlasting shame haps it might be of some service to I must feel whenever this adventure have attached to each of them a flapper, shall be mentioned, perhaps by your such as we are told by Gulliver, the assistance when my neighbours know I great people in Laputa have. I dare say the marines could easily be trained the expedition to have mercy on his to this: they should be instructed to own door, and the adjoining bulk-heads, give them a good smart box on the ear has not yet had any perceptible effect ? at every snore, and then to smooth It is not necessary for me to explain them down, to re-compose them to in what the art of the Slammers consleep, taking particular care, which a sists, for the word must at once confew days practice would enable them vey to our minds, what our ears are to do, to make them feel prettysharply, so constantly in the habit of experibut by no means to run the risk of encing. But there are some circumabsolutely awakening them. stances attending the practise of this

I now come to the Sniffers, who art, which my constant observation has by some means or other, have got out made me acquainted with, and which of their place in my catalogue, as they you, readers will, upon trial, find to ought to have followed the Blowers; be correct. vecause, like those, the offence they It

may be relied on as an incontrogive is chiefly by the nose.

vertible fact, that the force with which They are, however, in one essential the Slammers shut the doors, is inpoint, the very reverse of the Blowers ; tended by them, as by the Bangers, because, whereas these last are always to announce their arrival ; for without using their pocket-handkerchiefs, the some such means, so important an Sniffers never use any, but perform event might possibly remain unnoticed, the same office more economically, and for this they would never forgive more frequently, and I must in justice themselves. Some of the more inadd, with less disturbance to others veterate of this class, after they have than those tremendous Conch-Blowers. slammed the door with becoming enThe Sniffers have been observed to ergy, on entering stand awhile to assure increase very much since the last cold themselves that all hands are made weather set in, and there is, perhaps, aware of their coming; and then, and some excuse for them; but I do hereby not till then, complacently take their give notice that all Sniffing, after the seats. It has often been remarked, 10 of March must be considered ab- Mr. Editor, that little people are more solutely inadmissible; and the Sniffers consequential than those who are taller. are hereby required, in the mean time Whether this be the case or not, I to provide themselves with a proper will not pretend to determine ; but number of handkerchiefs, and to blow certain I am that, with very few extheir noses like gentlemen, after that ceptions, the great people of our comdate, on pain of being posted for the munity slam the doors the hardest, non performance of the same in the and the little great people the hardest succeeding week's newspaper,

of all. Indeed so exactly proportional Next in order on my list I find the have I generally found the slam of the Slammers, or as my correspondent X, door to be to the size of the person, has denominated, them the Door- and according to the popular notion, Slammers. These, Mr. Editor, are to his consequence also, that I would indeed as Mr.X. has expressed it, “a be bound to guessa man's height within daily and hourly inconvenience." an inch or so, by the manner in which But alas ! what chance can any effort he shuts the door. Perhaps, if you of mine have of correcting this noisy knew my own size, you would allow practise, when even a civil request, that I have, in the following descrippublicly made by the commander of|tion, sacrifised all personal feeling to


a sense of justice and truth. Your fancy you and your readers will begun King-John's man, commonly said to to think I am growing tedious, I shall measure four feet nothing, enters with reserve the remainder of my list to a tremendous slam,-like Jove he some other time; and I assure you I carries his thunder about with him!, have yet a choice collection. By way A neat dapper little fellow of five feet of reporting progress on my last comthree or four inches makes the bulk- munication, I shall only at present heads quake again, and what is even add that one Nose-Blower has been worse, by his ill-managed violence, reclaimed ; but another is as bad as causes the door to re-open, so that he ever. I have heard two Whistlers stuns and freezes you at the same time. stifle their tunes in the middle, and As we get to five feet six, and from they may therefore be said to be half that to five feet ten, the doors are shut corrected in their habit. more moderately; and a decent sized The Bangers all laugh at my joke; fellow, of near six feet or upwards, even but one of the principal of them does of considerable consequence, may go put

the cap

on his own head, for in and out of an apartment and scarcely which it was chiefly intended. No be heard. I know of one way, and amendment is yet perceived in the only one, in which the Slammers can Hummers or Drummers, and I therepossibly be cured of their habit. I fore give notice to the said Hummers have heard of a dog having been broke and Drummers, that as they are unaniof worrying a cat by muzzling him, miously declared to be the greatest and then letting pussy scratch his nose pests, except the Slannmers, which our in security. My recipe for the Slam- tables have, they must either mend mers is of the same kind. Let their their manners, or expect to be handled heads be securely and closely tied to more severely in some future communthe most rattling door in either ship, ication, then let two stqut men, one on each


obedient servant, side, be employed for an hour in open

z. ing and shutting the door as often and as hard as they are able. If this dose taken three times a day, for one week, does not cure the most inveterate case

REVIEW. in the history of this disease, the Slammers may indeed be pronounced incorrigible.

Napoleon in Exile ; or, a Voice from I now come to the Growlers, a St. Helena. The opinions and very teasing class, of whom I had a reflections of Napoleon on the most good deal to say, but I find I have been important events of his Life and anticipated by a more satyrical writer Government, in his orun words. in

your last gazette, who took occasion By BARRY E. O'MEARA, Esq., to descant on this subject, whien, la- bis late Surgeon. 2 vols.-Conmentable to relate! the pies on board tinued from our last. the Hecla, were not cooked in proper The first of the following passages time for dinner. As your correspon- accords with the opinion entertained dent; “ A Spectator,” may have it in by many, that Bonaparte was a fatalist : contemplation to resume this fertile

• That governor,' aulded he, has closed subject at a future time, I shall very up the pa:which led to the company's garwillingly leave it in his hands, and as I dens, where I used to walk sometimes, as


it is the only spot sheltered from the bitter men.' wind, which I suppose he thought was too When Mr. O. M. was conversing great an indulgence. But I do not give with B. in his bath, the marks of two ayself any uneasiness about it, as when a man's time is come, he must go.' I wounds were shown to him :took the liberty of asking if he was a pre- One a very deep cicatrice above the left destinarian. Yes,' replied Napoleon, “as knee, which he said he had received in his much so as the Turks are. I have been first campaign of Italy, and was of so sealways so. When destiny wills, it must rious a nature, that the surgeons were in be obeyed.

doubt whether it might not be ultimately Asked him some questions about Bluch- necessary to amputate. He observed, that

' Blucher,' said he, “is a very brave when he was wounded it was always kept soldier. He is like a bull who shuts his a secret, in order not to discourage the soleyes, and, seeing no danger, rushes on.- diers. The other was on the toe, and had He committed a thousand faults, and had been received at Eckmuhl.

• At the siege it not been for circumstances, I could re- of Acre, continued he, « a shell thrown by peatedly have made him and the greatest Sydney Smith, fell at my feet. Two 'solpart of his arıny prisoners. He is stub- diers who were close by, seized, and closely born and indefatigable, afraid of nothing, embraced me, one in front and the other and very much attached to his country ; on one side, and made a rampart of their but, as a general, he is without talent. I bodies for me, against the effect of the recollect, that when I was in Prussia, he shell, which exploded, and overwhelmed us dined at my table after he had surrendered, with sand. We sunk into the hole formed and he was then considered to be an ordi- by its bursting; one of them was wounded. nary character.'

I made them both officers. One has since Speaking about the English soldiers, he lost a leg at Moscow, and commanded at observed, the English soldier is brave, Vincennes when I left Paris. When he nobody more so, and the officers generally was summoned by the Russians, he replied, men of honor, but I do not think them yet that as soon as they sent him back the leg capable of executing grand manæuvres.- he had lost at Moscow, he would surrender I think that if I were at the head of them, I the fortress. Many times in my life,' concould make them do any thing.'

tinued he, « have I been saved by soldiers Napoleon thus gave his opinion, on

and officers throwing themselves before me the comparative merit of the Russians, when I was in the most eminent danger.

At Arcola, when I was advancing, Col. Prussians, and Germans :

Meuron, my aid-de-camp, threw himself "Soldiers change, sometimes brave, some before me, covered me with his body, and times base. I have seen the Russians at Ey- received the wound which was destined for lau perform prodigies of valor: they were so He fell at my feet, and his blood many heroes. At Moscow, entrenched up spouted up in my face. He gave his life to their necks, they allowed me to beat 250,- to preserve mine. Never yet, I believe, 000 men with 90,000. At Jena, and at other has there been such devotion shown by solbattles in that campaign, the Prussians fied diers as mine have manifested for me. In like sheep; since that tiine they have fought all my misfortunes, never has the soldier, bravely. My opinion is, that now, the even when expiring, been wanting to me Prussian soldier is superior to the Austrian. -never has man been served more faithThe French cuirassiers were the best ca- fully by his troops, With the last drop of valry in the world. Individually, there is blood gushing out of their veins, they exno horseman superior, or perhaps equal, to claimed, l'ive l'Empereur !' the Mameluke; but they cannot act in a body. As partizans, the Cossacs excel, and

To the restrictions, which Sir Hudthe Poles as lancers.' This he said in re

son Lowe thought it necessary to place ply to a question made by me of his opinion on B. and his attendants at Longwood, relative to the cavalry.

may be ascribed the abuse which they I asked who he thought was the best lavished on him, and which Mr, O'M. generál amongst the Austrians. • Prince Charles,' he replied, • though he has com

seems by no means inclined to soften. mitted a thousand faults. °As to Schwart- No man, however, who is in posseszemberg, he is not fit to command 6000sion of his senses, can for a moment


« ElőzőTovább »