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had formerly, in a hard labour, knocked out portion the vent given to these humours, not three of the best of them with the handle of it: only to the degree of them stirring within him-he tried his fingers-alas! the nails of his self, but to the size and ill intent of the offence fingers and thumbs were cut close.—The deuce upon which they are to fall. — Injuries come take it! I can make nothing of it either way, only from the heart,-quoth my uncle Toby. cried Dr Slop. The trampling over head near For this reason, continued my father, with my mother's bedside increased.-Pox take the the most Cervantic gravity, I have the greatest fellow ! I shall never get the knots untied as veneration in the world for that gentleman, who, long as I live. My mother gave a groan in distrust of his own discretion in this point, Lend me your pen-knife--I must e'en cut the sat down and composed (that is, at his leisure) knots at last.-Pugh !-psha !-Lord! I have fit forms of swearing suitable to all cases, from cut my thumb quite across to the very bone.- the lowest to the highest provocation which Curse the fellow-if there was not another man- could possibly happen to him ;-which forms midwife within fifty miles—I am undone for being well considered by him, and such morethis bout-I wish the scoundrel hanged-I wish over as he could stand to, he kept them ever by he was shot-I wish all the devils in hell had him on the chimney-piece, within his reach, him for a blockhead !
ready for use. I never apprehended, replied My father had a great respect for Obadiah, Dr Slop, that such a thing was ever thought of, and could not bear to hear him disposed of in -much less executed. I beg your pardon, ansuch a manner :-he had moreover some little swered my father ; I was reading, though not respect for himself,--and could as ill bear with using, one of them to my brother Toby this the indignity offered to himself in it.
morning, whilst he poured out the tea :-'Tis Had Dr Slop cut any part about him but his here upon the shelf over my head; but if I thumb,-my father had passed it by-his pru- remember right, 'tis too violent for a cut of the dence had triumphed : as it was, he was de- thumb.- Not at all, quoth Dr Slop—the devil termined to have his revenge.
take the fellow. Then, answered my father, Small curses, Dr Slop, upon great occasions, 'Tis much at your service, Dr Slop,-on condiquoth my father (condoling with him first upon tion you read it aloud.—So rising up and reachthe accident) are but so much waste of our ing down a form of excommunication of the strength and soul's health to no manner of pur- church of Rome, a copy of which my father pose. I own it, replied Dr Slop. They (who was curious in his collections) had proare like sparrow-shot, quoth my uncle Toby (suscured out of the ledger-book of the Church of pending his whistling) fired against a bastion. Rochester, writ by ĒRNULPHUS the bishop- They serve, continued my father, to stir with a most affected seriousness of look and the humours—but carry off none of their acri- voice, which might have cajoled ERNULPHUS mony ;-for my own part, I seldom swear or himself,-he put it into Dr Slop's hands.curse at all —I hold it bad; but if I fall into it Dr Slop wrapt his thumb up in the corner of by surprise, I generally retain so much presence his handkerchief, and, with a wry face, though of mind (right, quoth my uncle Toby) as to without any suspicion, read aloud, as follows, make it answer my purpose ;—that is, I swear my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero, as loud on till I find myself easy. A wise and a just as he could, all the time. man, however, would always endeavour to pro
TEXTUS DE ECCLESIA ROFFENSI, PER
Excommunicatio. Ex auctoritate Dei Omnipotentis, Patris, et “By the authority of God Almighty, the Filii, et Spiritus Sancti, et sanctorum canonum, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy sanctæque et intemeratæ Virginis Dei genetria canons, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mocis Mariæ,
ther and patroness of our Saviour,”—[ I think there is no necessity, quoth Dr Slop, dropping the paper down to his knee, and addressing
• As the genuineness of the consultation of the Sorbonne, upon the question of baptism, was doubted by some, and denied by others,-it was thought proper to print the original of this excommunication ; for the copy of which Mr Shandy returns thanks to the chapter-clerk of the dear and chapter of Rochester.
himself to my father,--as you have read it over,
Toby to read it alone ;-so raising up the paper
bullero, though not quite so loud as before. -Atque omnium cælestium virtutum, an- “ By the authority of God Almighty, the gelorum, archangelorum, thronorum, domina- Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the untionum, potestatuum, cherubin ac seraphin, et defiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of sanctorum, patriarcharum, prophetarum, et om- our Saviour, and of all the celestial virtues, annium apostolorum et evangelistarum, et sancto- gels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, rum innocentum, qui in conspectu Agni Sancti cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy digni inventi sunt canticum cantare novum, et patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apostles and sanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorum, evangelists, and of the holy innocents, who, in et sanctarum virginum, atque omnium simul the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy sanctorum et electorum Dei,-Excommuni- to sing the new song of the holy martyrs and
vel os s velholy confessors, and of the holy virgins, and of camus, et anathematizamus hunc furem, vel all the saints together, with the holy and elect os S
of God,-May he" (Obadiah) “ be damn'd” hunc malefactorem, N. N. et à liminibus sanc- (for tying these knots)" We excommunicate, tæ Dei ecclesiæ sequestramus, et æternis sup- and anathematize him, and from the thresh
holds of the holy church of God Almighty we pliciis excruciandus, mancipetur, cum Dathan sequester him, that he may be tormented, diset Abiram, et cum his qui dixerunt Domino posed, and delivered over with Dathan and Deo, Recede à nobis, scientiam viarum tuarum Abiram, and with those who say unto the Lord noluinus: et sicut aquâ ignis extinguitur, sic God, ‘Depart from us, we desire none of thy vel eorum
ways.' And as fire is quenched with water, so extinguatur, lucerna ejus in secula seculorum let the light of him be put out for evermore,
n unless it shall repent him” (Obadiah, of the nisi respuerit, et ad satisfactionem venerit. knots which he has tied) “ and make satisfacAmen.
tion !” (for them.) “ Amen. os
“ May the Father who created man, curse Maledicat illum Deus Pater qui hominem him !--May the Son who suffered for us, curse
him ! May the Holy Ghost, who was given creavit. Maledicat illum Dei Filius qui pro how to us in baptism, curse him!” (Obadiah)
“ May the holy cross, which Christ, for our. mine passus est. Maledicat illum Spiritus Sanc- salvation, triumphing over his enemies, ascendtus qui in baptismo effusus est. Maledicat ed, curse him!
os illum sancta crux, quam Christus pro nostrâ, salute hostem triumphans ascendit. os
“ May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, · Maledicat illum sancta Dei genetrix et per- mother of God, curse him! May St Michael,
the advocate of holy souls, curse him! petua Virgo Maria. Maledicat illum sanctus May all the angels and archangels, principaliMichael, animarum susceptor sacrarum. Ma- ties and powers, and all the heavenly armies,
curse him!" [Our armies swore terribly in ledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeli, prin- Flanders, cried my uncle Toby,—but nothing cipatus et potestates, omnesque militia cælestesto this. For my own part, I could not have
a heart to curse my dog so.]
“May the praiseworthy multitude of patriMaledicat illum patriarcharum et propheta- archs and prophets curse him!
Os “May St John, the Precursor, and St John rum laudabilis numerus. Maledicant illum the Baptist, and St Peter, and St Paul, and St sanctus Johannes Præcursor et Baptista Christi, Andrew, and all other Christ's Apostles togeet sanctus Petrus, et sanctus Paulus, atque ther curse him! and may the rest of his discisanctus Andreas, omnesque Christi, apostoli, ples, and four evangelists, who by their preachsimul et cæteri discipuli, quatuour quoque ing converted the universal world, and may the evangelistæ, qui sua prædicatione mundum uni- holy and wonderful company of martyrs and
confessors, who by their holy works are found versum converterunt. Maledicat illum cuneus, pleasing to God Almighty, curse him!” (Obamartyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui Deo diah.) bonis operibus placitus inventus est.
“ May the holy choir of the holy virgins, Maledicant illum sacrarum virginum chori, who for the honour of Christ have despised the quæ mundi vana causa honoris Christi respu- things of the world, damn him !-May all the
saints who from the beginning of the world to enda contempserunt. Maledicant illum omnes everlasting ages are found to be beloved of God, sancti qui ab initio mundi usque in finem se. damn him !-May the heavens and earth, and culi Deo dilecti inveniuntur.
all the holy things remaining therein, damn OS
him !” (Obadiah)“ or her! (or whoever else Maledicant illum cæli et terra, et omnia had a hand in tying these knots.) sancta in eis manentia.
“May he (Obadiah) be damned wherever he in
be, whether in the house or the stables, the Maledictus sit ubicunque,fuerit, sive in domo, garden or the field, or the highway, or in the sive in agro, sive in viâ, sive in semitâ, sive in path, or in the wood, or in the water, or in the silvâ, sive in aquâ, sive in ecclesiâ.
church ! May he be cursed in living, in dyi n'
ing!” [Here my uncle Toby, taking the ad. Maledictus sit vivendo, moriendo,
vantage of a minim in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued note to the end of the sentence, Dr Slop, with his division of curses, moving under him, like a running bass all the way.] « May he be cursed in eating
and drinking; in being hungry, in being thirsty, manducando, bibendo, esuriendo, sitiendo, je- in fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering, in walkjunando, dormitando, dormiendo, vigilando, am- ing, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in workbulando, stando, sedendo, jacendo, operando, ing, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in quiescendo, mingendo, cacando, flebotomando. blood-letting ! in
“ May he (Obadiah) be cursed in all the fa. Maledictus sit in totis viribus corporis. culties of his body! in
“May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly! Maledictus sit intus et externis.
May he be cursed in the hair of his head ! i n
in May he be cursed in his brains, and in his Maledictus sit in capillis; maledictus sit in vertex, (that is a sad curse, quoth my father,) i n
in his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in cerebro. Maledictus sit in vertice, in temporis his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, bus, in fronte, in auriculis, in superciliis, in in his nostrils, in his foreteeth and grinders, in oculis, in genis, in maxillis, in naribus, in den- his lips, in his throat, in his shoulders, in his tibus, mordacibus, in labris sive molibus, in lac wrists, in his arms, in his fingers ! biis, in gutture, in humeris, in carpis, in bra- “May he be damn'd in his mouth, in his chiis, in manubus, in digitis, in pectore, in breast, in his heart and purtenance, down to the corde, et in omnibus interioribus stomacho te- very stomach ! nus, in renibus, in inguine, in femore, in geni. « May he be cursed in his reins, and in his talibus, in coxis, in genubus, in cruribus, in pe- groin,” (God in Heaven forbid ! quoth my undibus, et in unguibus.
cle Toby,) “ in his thighs, in his genitals,” (my father shook his head, “and in his hips, and
in his knees, his legs, and feet, and toe-nails! in
“ May he be cursed in all the joiuts and artiMaledictus sit in totis compagibus membro- culations of the members, from the top of his rum à vertice capitis, usque ad plantam pedis head to the sole of his foot! May there be no Non sit in eo sanitas.
soundness in him !
“May the Son of the living God, with all the Maledicat illum Christus Filius Dei vivi toto glory of his majesty, " Here my uncle suæ majestatis imperio
Toby, throwing back his head, gave a monstrous, long, loud Whew—W—W— ; something betwixt the interjectional whistle of Hey-day? and the word itself.
By the golden beard of Jupiter, -and of Juno (if her majesty wore one) and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships, which, by the bye, was no small number, since what with the beards of your celestial gods, and gods aërial and aquatic,—to say nothing of the beards of town-gods and country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses your wives, or of the infernal goddesses your whores and concubines (that is in case they wore them)- all which beards, as Varro tells me, upon his word and honour, when mustered up together, made no less than thirty thousand effective beards upon the Pagan establishıment;-every beard of which claimed the rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn by :-by all these beards together then, - I vow and protest, that of the two bad cassocks I am worth in the world, I would have given the better of them, as freely as ever Cid Hamet offered his,-only to have stood by, and
heard my uncle Toby's accompaniment.) et insurgat adversus illum cælum cum
curse him!”-continuedDr Slop,"and omnibus virtutibus quæ in eo moventur ad may Heaven, with all the powers which move damnandum eum, nisi pænituerit et ad satisfac- therein, rise up against him, curse and damn tionem venerit. Amen, Fiat, fiat. Amen. him” (Obadiah) “ unless he repent and make
satisfaction ! Amen. So be it, so he it. Amen."
I declare, quoth my uncle Toby, my heart would not let me curse the Devil himself with so much bitterness. Heis the father of curses, replied Dr Slop. So am not I, replied my uncle. But he is cursed and damn'd already, to all eternity, replied Dr Slop.
I am sorry for it, quoth my uncle Toby.
Dr Slop drew up his mouth, and was just beginning to return my uncle Toby the compliment of his Whu-u-u-, or interjectional whistle, wlien the door hastily opening in the next chapter but one,-put an end to the affair.
hung round and befetish'd with the bobs and
trinkets of criticism,-or, to drop my metaphor, CHAP. XII.
which by the bye is a pity,- for I have fetch'd
it as far as from the coast of Guinea,--their Now don't let us give ourselves a parcel of heads, sir, are stuck so full of rules and comairs, and pretend that the oaths we make free passes, and have that eternal propensity to apwith in this land of liberty of ours are our own; ply them upon all occasions, that a work of geand because we have the spirit to swear them, nius had better go to the Devil at once, than
imagine that we have had the wit to invent stand to be prick'd and tortur'd to death by them too.
'em. I'll undertake this moment to prove it to any -And how did Garrick speak the soliloquy man in the world, except to a connoisseur: last night?-Oh, against all rule, my lordthough I declare I object only to a connoisseur most ungrammatically !-Betwixt the substanin swearing, -as I would do to a connoisseur in tive and the adjective, which should agree togepainting, &c. &c. the whole set of 'em are so ther in number, case, and gender, he made a breach thus,-stopping, as if the point wanted times : but, like all other copies, how infinitely settling :--and betwixt the nominative case, short of the force and spirit of the original! which your lordship knows should govern the it is thought to be no bad oath,-and by itself verb, he suspended his voice in the epilogue a passes very well,—“G-d damn you ;"- Set dozen times, three seconds and three fifths, by it beside Ernulphus's,~" God Almighty the a stop-watch, my lord, each time.---Admirable Father damn you,-God the Son damn you, grammarian !-But in suspending his voice- God the Holy Ghost damn you,"-you see 'tis was the sense suspended likewise? Did no ex- nothing. There is an orientality in his we pression of attitude or countenance fill up the cannot rise up to: besides, he is more copious chasın ? - Was the eye silent? Did you narrowly in his invention,-possess'd more of the excellook?- I looked only at the stop-watch, my lencies of a swearer, had such a thorough knowlord. ---Excellent observer !
ledge of the human frame, its membranes, nerves, And what of this new book the whole world ligaments, knittings of the joints, and articulamakes such a rout about ?-Oh ! it is out of all tions,—that when Ernulphus cursed,—no part plumb, my lord-quite an irregular thing ! escaped him.- 'Tis true, there is something not one of the angles at the four corners was a of a hardness in his manner, and, as in Michael right angle.--I had my rule and compasses, Angelo, a want of grace : but then there is such &c. my lord, in my pocket. Excellent cri- a greatness of gusto! tic!
My father, who generally look'd upon every -And for the epic poem, your lordship bid thing in a light very different from all mankind, me look at ;-upon taking the length, breadth, would, after all, never allow this to be an oriheight, and depth of it, and trying them at home ginal.—He considered rather Ernulphus's anaupon an exact scale of Bossu's—’tis out, my thema as an institute of swearing, in which, as lord, in every one of its dimensions.- Admi. he suspected, upon the decline of swearing in rable connoisseur !
some milder pontificate, Ernulphus, by order of And did you step in, to take a look at the the succeeding pope, had with great learning grand picture, in your way back? It is a and diligence collected together all the laws of melancholy daub! 'my lord; not one principle it ;-for the same reason that Justinian, in the of the pyramid in any one group !-and what a decline of the empire, had ordered his chancelprice !--for there is nothing of the colouring of lor Tribonian to collect the Roman or civil laws Titian,-the expression of Rubens--the grace all together into one code or digest-lest, through of Raphael,--the purity of Domenichino, -the the rust of time,-and the fatality of all things corregiescity of Corregio,—the learning of Pous committed to oral tradition, they should be sin,-the airs of Guido, the taste of the Car- lost to the world for ever. rachis or the grand contour of Angelo.- For this reason, my father would oftentimes Grant me patience, just heaven ! Of all the affirm, there was not an oath from the great and cants which are canted in this canting world, tremendous oath of William the Conqueror, though the cant of hypocrites may be the worst, (“By the splendour of God,") down to the low-the cant of criticism is the most tormenting! est oath of a scavenger, (“ Damn your eyes,"').
I would go fifty miles on foot, for I have not which was not to be found in Ernulphus.a horse worth riding on, to kiss the hand of that In short, he would add,--I defy a man to swear man whose generous heart will give up the reins out of it. of his imagination into his author's hands-be The hypothesis is, like most of my father's, pleased he knows not why, and cares not where singular and ingenious too ;-nor have I any fore.
objection to it, but that it overturns my own. Great Apollo ! if thou art in a giving humour, -give me~I ask no more, but one stroke of native humour, with a single spark of thy own
CHAP. XIII. fire along with it-and send Mercury, with the rules and compasses, if he can be spared, with
Bless my soul! my poor mistress is my compliments to-no matter.
ready to faint-and her pains are gone-and the Now, to any one else, I will undertake to drops are done-and the bottle of julap is broke prove, that all the oaths and imprecations, which and the nurse has cut her arm-(and I my We have been puffing off upon the world for thumb, cried Dr Slop;) and the child is where these two hundred and fifty years last past, as it was, continued Susannah, and the midwife originals -except St Paul's'thumb,--God's flesh, has fallen backwards upon the edge of the fenand God's fish, which were oaths monarchical, der, and bruised her hip as black as your hat. and, considering who made them, not much I'll look at it, quoth Dr Slop. There is amiss ; and as kings' oaths, it is not much mat- no need of that, replied Susannah,—you had ter whether they were fish or flesh ; else, I better look at my mistress-but the midwife say, there is not an oath, or at least a curse would gladly first give you an account how amongst them, which has not been copied over things are ; so desires you would go up stairs and over again out of Ernulphus, a thousand and speak to her this moment.