THE

LIFE AND OPINIONS

OF

TRISTRAM SHANDY,

GENTLEMAN.

SLAWKENBERGIUS'S TALE.

It was one cool refreshing evening, at the close of a very sultry day, in the latter end of the month of August, when a stranger, mounted upon a dark mule, with a small cloak-bag behind him, containing a few shirts, a pair of shoes, and a crimson-satin pair of breeches, entered the town of Strasburg.

He told the centinel, who questioned him as he entered the gates, that he had been at the Promontory of Noses, was going on to Frankfort,-and should be back again at Strasburg that day month, in his way to the borders of Crim Tartary.

The centinel looked up into the stranger's face : -he never saw such a nose in his life!

-I have made a very good venture of it, quoth the stranger; so slipping his wrist out of the loop of a black ribbon, to which a short cimetar was hung, he put his hand into his pocket, and with great courtesy touching the fore-part of his cap with his

parte anteriore tactâ manu sinistrâ, ut extendit dextram, militi florinum dedit et processit.

Dolet mihi, ait miles, tympanistam nanum et valgum alloquens, virum adeo urbanum vaginam perdidisse: itinerari haud poterit nudâ acinaci ; neque vaginam toto Argentorato, habilem inveniet.

Nullam unquam habui, respondit peregrinus respiciens seque comiter inclinans-hoc more gesto, nudam acinacem elevans, mulo lentè progrediente, ut nasum tueri possim.

Non immerito, benigne peregrine, respondit miles.

Nihili æstimo, ait ille tympanista, è pergamenâ factitius est.

Prout christianus sum, inquit miles, nasus ille ni sexties major sit, meo esset conformis.

Crepitare audivi ait tympanista.

Mehercule! sanguinem emisit, respondit miles. Miseret me, inquit tympanista, qui non ambo tetigimus !

Eodem temporis puncto, quo hæc res argumentata fuit inter militem et tympanistam, disceptabatur ibidem tubicine et uxore suâ qui tunc accesserunt, et peregrino prætereunte, restiterunt.

Quantus nasus! æque longus est, ait tubicina ac tuba.

Et ex eodem metallo, ait tubicen, velut sternutamento audias.

Tantum abest, respondit illa, quod fistulam dufcedine vincit.

Feft hand, as he extended his right, he put a florin into the centinel's hand, and passed on.

It grieves me, said the centinel, speaking to a little dwarfish bandy-legg'd drummer, that so courteous a soul should have lost his scabbard ;—he cannot travel without one to his cimetar; and will not be able to get a scabbard to fit it in all Strasburg.I never had one, replied the stranger, looking back to the centinel, and putting his hand up to his cap as he spoke. I carry it, continued he, thus :-holding up his naked cimetar, his mule moving on slowly all the time,-on purpose to defend my nose.

It is well worth it, gentle stranger, replied the centinel.

'Tis not worth a single stiver, said the bandy-legg'd drummer :-'tis a nose of parchment. As I am a true catholick,-except that it is six times as big, 'tis a nose, said the centinel, like my

own.

-I heard it crackle, said the drummer.

By dunder, said the centinel, I saw it bleed. What a pity, cry'd the bandy-legg'd drummer, we did not both touch it!

At the very time that this dispute was maintaining by the centinel and the drummer, was the same point debating betwixt a trumpeter and a trumpeter's wife, who were just then coming up, and had stopped to see the strange pass by.

Benedicity!What a nose! 'tis as long, said the trumpeter's wife, as a trumpet.

And of the same metal, said the trumpeter, as you hear by its sneezing.

'Tis as soft as a flute, said she.

Eneus est, ait tubicen.

Nequaquam, respondit uxor.

Rursum affirmo, ait tubicen, quod æneus est.

Rem penitus explorabo; prius, enim digito tangam, ait uxor, quam dormivero.

Mulus peregrini gradu lento progressus est, ut unumquodque verbum controversiæ, non tantum inter militem et tympanistam, verum etiam inter tubicinem et uxorem ejus, audiret.

Nequaquam, ait ille, in muli collum fræna demittens, et manibus ambabus in pectus positis (mulo lentè progrediente) nequaquam ait ille respiciens, non necesse est ut res isthæc dilucidata foret. Minime gentium! meus nasus nunquam tangetur, dum spiritus hos reget artus-Ad quid agendum ? ait uxor burgomagistri.

Peregrinus illi non respondit. Votum faciebat tunc temporis sancto Nicolao; quo facto, in sinum dextrum inserens, e quâ negligenter pependit acinaces, lento gradu processit per plateam Argentorati latam quæ ad diversorium templo ex adversum ducit.

Peregrinus mulo descendens stabulo includi, et manticam inferri jussit: quâ apertâ et coccineis sericis femoralibus extractis cum argento laciniato

'Tis brass, said the trumpeter.

'Tis a pudding's end, said his wife.

I tell thee again, said the trumpeter, 'tis a brazen

nose.

I'll know the bottom of it, said the trumpeter's wife, for I will touch it with my finger before I sleep.

The stranger's mule moved on at so slow a rate, that he heard every word of the dispute, not only betwixt the centinel and the drummer, but betwixt the trumpeter and the trumpeter's wife.

No! said he, dropping his reins upon his mule's neck, and laying both his hands upon his breast, the one over the other in a saint-like position (his mule going on easily all the time)-No! said he, looking up, I am not such a debtor to the world,-slandered and disappointed as I have been, as to give it that conviction :- -no! said he, my nose shall never be touched whilst heaven gives me strengthTo do what? said a burgomaster's wife.

The stranger took no notice of the burgomaster's wife; he was making a vow to saint Nicholas; which done, having uncrossed his arms with the same solemnity with which he crossed them, he took up the reins of his bridle with his left hand, and putting his right hand into his bosom, with his cimetar hanging loosely to the wrist of it, he rode on, as slowly as one foot of the mule could follow another, through the principal streets of Strasburg, till chance brought him to the great inn in the marketplace, over-against the church.

The moment the stranger alighted, he ordered his mule to be led into the stable, and his cloak-bag to be brought in; then opening, and taking out of