cookery, to save the souls and bodies of the whole college of physicians

Esop. My lord has fine spirits indeed!

[To Bowman.

Lord Chalk You don't imagine, philos pher, that I have hobbled here with a bundle of complaints at my back. My legs, indeed, are something the worse for wear, but your waters, I suppose, can't change or make 'em better; for if they c. uld, you certainly would have try'd the virtues of 'em upon your own-éh Bowman! ha, ha, ha,Bow. Bravo! my lord, bravo!

Esop. My imperfections are from head to foot, as well as your lordship's.

Lord Chalk. I beg your pardon there, Sir; though my body's impaired-my head is as good as ever it was; and as a proof of this I'll lay you a hundred guineas

Esop. Does your lordship propose a wager as a proof of the goodness of your head?

Lord Chalk. And why not?-Wagers are now-a-days the only proofs and arguments that are made use of by people of fashion: all disputes and politics, operas, trade, gaming, horse-racing, or religion, are determin'd now, by six to four, and two to one; and persons of quality are by this method most agreeably releas'd from the hardship of thinking or reasoning upon any subject.

Esop. Very convenient truly!

Lord Chalk. Convenient, ay, and moral too. -This invention of betting, unknown to the Greeks, among many other virtues, prevents bloodshed, and preserves family affections

Esop. Prevents bloodshed!

Lord Chalk. I'll tell ye how-When gentlemen quarrelled heretofore, what did they do? they drew their swords I have been run through the body myself, but no matter for that--what do they do now? they draw their purses-before the lie can be given, a wager is laid; and so, instead of resenting, we pocket our affronts.

Esop. Most casuistically argued, indeed, my lord; but how can it preserve family affections?

Lord Chalk. I'll tell you that too-An old woman, you'll allow, Mr Esop, at all times to be but a bad thing-What say you, Bowman?

Bow. A very bad thing indeed, my lord.

Lord Chalk, Ergo, an old woman with a good constitu

tion, and a damn'd large jointure upon your estate, is the devil-My mother was the very thing- -and yet from the moment I pitted her, I never once wish'd dead, but was really uneasy when she tumbled down stairs, and did not speak a single word for a whole fortnight.

Esop. Affectionate indeed!—but what does your lordship mean by pitted her?

Lord Chalk. 'Tis a term of ours upon these occasions→ I back'd her life against two old countesses, an aunt of Sir Harry Rattle's that was troubled with an asthma, my fat landlady at Salt-bill, and the mad-woman at Tunbridge, at five hundred each per annum: She outliv'd 'em all but the last, by which means, I hedg'd of a damn'd jointure, made her life an advantage to me, and so continued my filial affections to her last moments.

Esop. I am fully satisfied-and in return your lordship may command me.

Lord Chalk. None of your waters for me; damn 'em all; I never drink any but at Bath I came merely for a little conversation with you, and to see your Elysian fields here-[Looking about thro' his glass.] which, by the bye, Mr Esop, are laid out most detestably. -No taste, no fancy in the whole world!- -Your river therewhat d'ye call

Esop. Styx

Lord Chalk. Ay, Styx-why, 'tis as strait as Fleet-ditch -You should have given it a serpentine sweep, and slop the banks of it-The place. indeed, has very fine capabilities; but you should clear the wood to the left, and clump the trees to the right: in short, the whole wants variety, extent, contrast, and inequality[Going towards the orchestra, stops suddenly, and looks into the pit.] Upon my word, here's a very fine bab-bab! and a most curious collection of ever-greens and flow'ring-shrubs

Esop. We let nature take her course; our chief entertainment is contemplation, which I suppose is not allowed to interrupt your lordship's pleasures.

* Lord Chalk. I beg your pardon there-No man has ever studied or drank harder than I have-except my chaplain; and I'll match my library and cellar against any noblemar's in Christendom-shan't I, Bowman, eh?

Bow. That you may indeed, my lord; and I'll go your lordship's halves, ha, ha, ha,

Esop

Esop. If your lordship would apply more to the first, and drink our waters to forget the last

Lord Chalk. What! relinquish my bottle! What the devil shall I do to kill time then?

Esop. Has your lordship no wife nor children to entertain you?

Lord Chalk. Children! Not I, faith-My wife has, for ought I know, I have not seen her these seven years— Esop. You surprize me!

Lord Chalk. 'Tis the way of the world, for all that—I married for a fortune; she for a title. When we both had got what we wanted, the sooner we parted the betterWe did so; and are now waiting for the happy moment, that will give to one of us the liberty of playing the same farce over again-Eh, Bowman!

Bow. Good, good; you have puzzled the philosopher. Esop. The Greeks esteem'd matrimonial happiness their summum bonum.

Lord Chalk. More fools they! 'tis not the only thing they were mistaken in-My brother Dick, indeed, married for love; and he and his wife have been fattening these five and twenty years, upon their summum bonum, as you call it- -They have a dozen and half children, and may have half a dozen more, if an apoplexy don't step in, and interrupt their summum bonum-Eh, Bowman? ha, ha, ha!

Bow. Your lordship never said a better thing in your life.

Lord Chalk. 'Tis lucky for the nation, to be sure, that there are people who breed, and are fond of one another

-one man of elegant notions is sufficient in a family; for which reason I have bred up Dick's eldest son myself; and a fine gentleman he is- is not he, Bowman?

Bow. A fine gentleman, indeed, my lord.

Lord Chalk. And as for the rest of the little, they may fondle and fatten upon summum bonum, as their loving parents have done before 'em.

Bow. Lock there! my lord-I'll be hang'd if that is not your lordship's nephew in the grove.

Esop. I dare swear it is. He has been here just now, and has entertained me with bis elegant notions.

Lord Chalk. Let us go to him; I'll lay six to four that he has been gallanting with some of the beauties of antiqui

ty

ty-Helen or Cleopatra, I warrant you;-egad, let Lu-cretia take care of herself; she'll catch a Tarquia, I can tell her that---He is his uncle's own nephew, ha, ha, ha,

-egad, I find myself in spirits: I'll go and coquet a little myself with them -Bowman lend me your arm; and you, William hold me up a little-[William treads upon bis toes.]-Ho-Damn the fellow, he always treads upon my toes-eugh I shan't be able to gallant it this half hour-Well, dear philosopher, dispose of your water to those that want it-There is no one action of my life, or qualification of my mind and body, that is a burden to me: and there is nothing in your world, or in ours, I have to wish for, unless you could rid me of my wife, and furnish me with a better pair of legs-Eh, Bowman-Come along, come along.

Bow. Game to the last! my lord.

[Exit Lord Chalkstone and Bowman. Esop. How flattering is folly: his lordship here supported only by vanity, vivacity, and his friend Mr Bowman, can fancy himself the wisest, and is the happiest of mortals.

Enter Mr and Mrs TATOO.

Mrs Tatoo. Why don't you come along, Mr Tatoo? what the deuce are you afraid of?

Esop. Don't be angry, young lady; the gentleman is your husband, I suppose.

Mrs Tatoo. How do you know that, eh? what! you an't all conjurers in this world, are you?

Esop: Your behaviour to him is a sufficient proof of his condition, without the gift of conjuration.

Mrs Tatoo. Why I was as free with him before marriage, as I am now; I never was coy or prudish in my life. Esop. I believe you, madam; pray how long have you been married? you seem to be very young, lady.

Mrs Tatoo. I'am old enough for a husband, and have been married long enough to be tired of one.

Esop. How long, pray?

Mis Tatoo. Why above three months; I married Mr Tatoo without my guardians's consent.

Esop. If you married him with your own consent, I think you might continue your affection a litte longer. Mrs Tatoo, What signifies what you think, if I don't

think so?We are quite tired of one another, and are come to drink some of your Le -Lethaly- -Lethily, I think they call it, to forget one another, and be unmarried again.

Esop. The waters can't divorce you, madam; and you may easily forget him without the assistance of Lethe. Mrs Tatoo. Ay, how so?

Esop. By remembering continually he is your husband: there are several ladies have no other receipt- -But what does the gentleman say to this?

Mrs Tatoo. What signifies what he says? I an't so young and so foolish as that comes to, to be directed by my husband or to care what either he says, or you say.

Mr Tatoo. Sir, I was a drummer in a marching regiment, when I ran away with that young lady--I immediately bought out of the corps, and thought myself made for ever; little imagining that a poor vain fellow was purchasing fortune, at the expence of his happiness.

Esop. 'Tis even so, friend; fortune and felicity are as often at variance as man and wife.

Mr Tatoo. I found it so, Sir-This high life (as I thought it) did not agree with me; I have not laugh'd, and scarcely slept since my advancement; and unless your wisdom can alter her notions, I must e'en quit the blessings of a fine lady and her portion, and, for content, have recourse to eight-pence a day, and my drum again.

Esop. Pray who has advis'd you to a separation ?

Mrs Tatoo. Several young ladies of my acquaintance, who tell me they are not angry at me for marrying him ; but being fond of him now I have married him; and they say I should be as compleat a fine lady as any of 'em, if I would but procure a separate divorcement.

Esop. Pray, madam, will you let me know what you call a fine lady?

Mrs Tatoo. Why, a fine lady, and a fine gentleman, are two of the finest things upon earth.

Esob. I have just now had the honour of knowing what a fine gentleman is; so prav confine yourself to the lady. Mrs Tatoo. A fine lady, before marriage, lives with her. pappa and mamma, who breed her up till she learns to despise 'em, and resolves to do nothing they bid her; this makes her such a prodigious favourite, that she wants for nothing..

Esop.