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able green had preceded and caused, not followed, the use of the soft soap. “Go home, my dear sir! God bless you-go home as you value your hair; take this small bottle of Damascus cream, and rub it in before it's too late; and then use the remainder of the—” “Then you don't think it's too late?” inquired Titmouse, faintly; and having been assured to the contrary—having asked the price of the Damascus cream, which was only three-and sixpence (stamp included)—he paid it with a rueful air and took his departure. He sneaked along the streets, with the air of a pickpocket fearful that every one he met was an officer who had his eye on him. He was not, in fact, very far off the mark; for many a person smiled, and stared, and turned around to look at him as he went along. I wonder, now, what effect the perusal of these pages must have upon the reader, entle or simple, young or old, male or #. who has shared the folly of Titmouse in the particular now under consideration? They cannot help laughing at the trouble of Titmouse; but it is accompanied by a blush at the absurd weakness of which themselves have been guilty. Depend upon it, my gentleman, that every man or woman of sense who sees you, and suspects or knows what you have been about, can scarce help bursting out alaughing at you, and writes you down ever after—Ass. But if they do this on seeing him who has so weakly attempted to disguise red-colored hair, what sorrow, mingled with contempt, must they feel when they see a man, or woman ashamed of-GRAY HAIRs— a “crown of rejoicing to them that they have done well,” a mark of one to whom God has given long life, as the means of gathering experience and wisdom—and dishonoring those gray hairs by the desperate folly of Tittlebat Titmouse? Titmouse slunk up-stairs to his room, in a sad state of depression, and spent the next hour in rubbing into his hair the Damascus cream. He rubbed till he could hardly hold his arms up any longer from sheer fatigue. Having risen, at length, to mark, from the glass, the progress he had made, he found that the only result of his persevering exertions had been to f: a greasy shining appearance to the air, that remained as green as ever.
With a half-uttered groan ne sank down upon a chair, and fell into a sort of abstraction, which was interrupted by a sharp knock at his door. Titmouse started up, trembled, and stood for a moment or two irresolute, glancing fearfully at the glass; and then opening the door, let in Mr. Gammon, who started back a pace or two, as if he had been shot on catching sight of the strange figure of Titmouse. It was useless for §a. to try, to check his laughter; so leaning against the door-post, he yielded to the impulse, and laughed without intermission for at least two minutes. Titmouse felt o angry, but feared to show it; and the timid, rueful, lackadaisical air with which he regarded the dreaded Mr. Gammon, o prolonged and aggravated the agonies of that gentleman. hen, at length, he had a little recovered himself, holding his left hand to his side with an exhausted air, he entered the little apartment, and asked Titmouse what in the name of Heaven he had been doing, to himself. “Without this" (in the absurd slang of the lawyers) that he knew all the while quite well what Titmouse had been about; but he wanted the enjoyment of hearing Titmouse's own account of the matter. Titmouse, not daring to hesitate, complied—Gammon listening in an agony of suppressed laughter, all the while seeming on the [..." of bursting a bloodvessel. He looked as little at Titmouse as he could, and was growing a little more sedate, when Titmouse, in a truly lamentable tone, inquired, “What's the good, Mr. Gammon, often thousand a year with such a head of hair as this?” On hearing which, Gammon jumped off his chair, started to the window, and such an explosion of laughter followed, as threatened to crack the panes of glass before him. This was too much for Titmouse, who presently cried aloud in a grievous manner; and Gammon, o ceasing his laughter, turned round and apologized in the most earnest manner; after which he uttered an abundance of sympathy for the sufferings which “he deplored being unable to alleviate.” He even restrained himself when Titmouse again and again asked him if he could not “have the law” of the man who had so imposed on him. Gammon diverted the thoughts of his suffering client, by taking from his
pocket some very imposing packages of paper tied round with red tape. From time to time, however, he almost split his nose with efforts to restrain his laughter, on catching a fresh glimpse of poor Titmouse's emerald hair. Gammon was a man of business, however; and in the midst of all this distracting excitement contrived to get Titmouse's signature to sundry papers of no little consequence; among others, first, to a bond conditioned for the payment of £500; secondly, another for £10,000; and, lastly, an agreement (of which he ave Titmouse an alleged copy) by which §. in consideration of Messrs. Quirk, Gammon & Snap, using their best exertions to put him in the possession of the estate, &c., &c., bound himself to conform to their wishes in everything, on pain of their instantly throwing up the whole affair, looking out for another heirat-law, and issuing execution forthwith against Titmouse for all expenses incurred under his retainer. I said that Gammon gave his confiding client an alleged copy of agreement; it was not a real copy, for certain stipulations appeared in each that were not intended to appear in the other, for reasons which were perfectly satisfactory to Messrs. Quirk, Gammon & Snap. When Gammon had got to this point, he thought it the fitting opportunity for producing a second five-pound note. He did so, and put Titmouse thereby into an ecstasy which pushed out of his head for a while all recollection of what had happened to his hair. He had at that moment nearly eleven pounds in hard cash Gammon easily obtained from him an account of his little money transactions with Huckaback—of which, however, all he could tell was—that for ten shillings down, he had given a written engagement to pay fifty pounds on getting the estate. Of this Gammon made a careful memorandum, explaining the atrocious villainy of Huckaback—and, in short, that if he (Titmouse) did not look very sharply about him, he would be robbed right and left; so that it was of the utmost conse|. to him early to learn how to disinguish between false and true friends. Gammon went on to assure him that the instrument he had given to Huckaback was, probably, in point of law, not worth a farthing, on the ground of its being both fraudulent and usurious; and intimated something, which Titmouse did not
very distinctly comprehend, about the efficacy of a bill in equity for a discovery; which, at a very insignificant expense (not exceeding £100), would oblige the plaintiff in equity (i. e. Huckaback), by the way of declaring, to give his solemn oath that he had advanced the full sum of £50; and having obtained this important and satisfactory result, Titmouse would have the opportunity of disproving the statement of Huckaback—if he could; which of course he could not. By this process, however, a little profitable employment would have been afforded to a certain distinguished firm in Saffron Hill—and that was something to Gammon. + + + + + + When Titmouse rose the next morning (Saturday), behold—he found his hair had become of a variously shaded purple or violet color Astonishment and apprehension by turns possessed him, as he stared into the glass, at this unlooked for change of color; and hastily dressing himself, after swallowing a very slight breakfast, off he went once more to the scientific establishment in Bond Street, to which he had been indebted for his recent delightful experiences. The distinguished inventor and proprietor of the Cyanochaitanthropopoion was behind the counter as usual—calm and confident as ever. “Ah! I see—as I said —as I said I isn't it?—coming round quicker than usual—really, I’m selling more of the article than I can possibly make.” “Well,” at length said Titmouse, as soon as he had recovered from the surprise occasioned by the sudden volubility with which he had been assailed on entering, “then is it really going on tolerable well? taking off his hat and looking anxiously into a glass that hung close by. “Tolerable well I delightfull perfects couldn't be better. If you'd studied the thing, you'd know, sir, that purple is the middle color between green and black. Indeed, black is only purple and green mixed, which explains the whole thing.” Titmouse listened with infinite satisfaction to this philosophical statement. “Remember, sir, my hair is to come like yours—eh? you recollect, sir?” “I have very little doubt of it, sir— nay, I am certain of it, knowing it by experience.” The scamp had been hired expressly for the purpose of lying thus in support of the Cyanochaitanthropopoion; his own hair being a natural black. “I am going to a grand dinner tomorrow, sir,” said Titmouse, “with some devilish great people at the west end of the town—eh? you understand? will it do by that time—for-hem —most lovely al—oh 2 you understand the thing? É.i. anxious and all that sort of thing, you know.” “Yes, I do,” replied the gentleman of the shop, in a confidential tone; and, opening one of the glass doors behind him, took out a bottle considerably larger than the first, and handed it to Titmouse. “This,” said he, “will complete the . if combines chemically with the ; e particles, and the result is—generally arrived at in about two days' time—” “But it will do something in a night's time —eh?—surely,” “I should think so! But here it is—it is called TETARAGMENON ABRACADABRA.” “What a name!” exclaimed Titmouse, with a kind of awe. “Pon honor, it almost takes one's breath away—” “It will do more, sir—it will take your red hair away! By the way, only the day before yesterday, a lady of high rank (between ourselves, Lady Caroline Carrot), whose red hair always seemed as if it would have set her bonnet in a blaze, came here, after two days' use of the Cyanochaitanthropopoion, and one day's use of this Tetaragmenon Abracadabra— and asked me if I knew her. Upon my soul I did not, till she solemnly assured me that she was really Lady Caroline.” “How much is it?” “. inquired Titmouse, thrusting his hand into his pocket, with no little excitement. “Only nine and-sixpence.” “Good gracious, what a price l—nine and six”— “Would you believe it, sir? . This extraordinary fluid cost a distinguished German chemist his whole life to bring to perfection; and it contains expensive materials from all the four corners of the world.” “I’ve laid out a large figure with you, sir, this day or two—couldn't you say eight sh—” “We never abate, sir,” said the gentleman, rather haughtily. Of course poor Titmouse bought the thing; not a little
depressed, however, at the heavy prices he had paid for the three bottles, and the uncertainty he felt as to the ultimate issue. That night, he was so well satisfied with the progress which the hair on his head was making (for by candle-light it really looked very dark) that he resolved—at all events for the present—to leave well alone; or, at the utmost, to try the effects of the Tetaragmenon Abracadabra only upon his eyebrows and whiskers. Into them he rubbed the new specific; which, on the bottle being opened, surprised him in two respects: first, it was perfectly colorless; secondly, it had a most infernal smell. However, it was no use hesitating, he had bought and aid for it; and the papers it was folded in gave an account of its success, which was really irresistible and unquestionable. Away, therefore, he rubbed—and when he had finished, got into bed, in humble hope as to the result, which would be disclosed by the morning's light! But would you believe it? When he looked at himself in the glass about six o'clock (at which hour he awoke) I protest it as a fact, that his eyebrows and whiskers were as white as snow, which, combining with the purple color of the hair on his head, rendered him one of the most astounding objects (in human shape) the eye of man had ever beheld. There was the wisdom of age seated in his eyebrows and whiskers, unspeakable folly in his features, and a purple crown of wonDER on his head. Really, it seemed as if the devil were wreaking his spite on Mr. Titmouse—nay perhaps it was the devil himself who had served him with the bottles in Bond Street. Or was it a more ordinary servant of the devil, some greedy, impudent, unprincipled speculator, who, desirous of acting on the approved maxim—fiat erperimentum in corpore vill—had pitched on Titmouse (seeing the sort of person he was) as a godsend, quite reckless what effect he produced on his hair, so as the stuff was paid for, and its effects noted? It might possibly have been sport to the gentleman of the shop, but it was near proving death to poor Titmouse, who really might have resolved on throwing himself out of the window, only that he saw it was not big enough for a baby to get through. He turned aghast at the monstrous object which his little glass presented to him; and sunk down upon the bed with a feeling as if he were now fit for death. As before, Mrs. Squallop made her appearance with his kettle for breakfast. He was sitting at the table, dressed, and with his arms folded, with a reckless air, not at all caring to conceal the new and still more frightful change which he had undergone since, she saw him last. Mrs. Squallop stared at him for a second or two in silence; then stepping back out of the room, suddenly drew to the door, and stood outside, laughing vehemently. “I’ll kick you down stairs l’” shouted Titmouse, rushing to the door, pale with fury, and pulling it open. of." "#. you'll be the death of me—you will—-you will !” gasped Mrs. Squallop, almost black in the face, and the water running out of the kettle which she was unconsciously holding in a siant. After a while, however, they got reconciled. Mrs. Squallop had fancied he had been but rubbing chalk on his eyebrows and whiskers; and seemed dismayed, indeed, on hearing the true state of the case. He implored her to send out for a small bottle of ink; but as it was Sunday morning, none could be ot—and she teased him to try a little É. He did ; but of course it was useless. He sat for an hour or two in an ecstasy of grief and rage. , What would he now have given never to have meddled with the hair which God had thought fit to send him into the world with ? Alas! with what mournful force Mrs. Squallop's words again and again recurred to him To say that he eat breakfast would be scarcely correct. He drank a single cup of cocoa, and eat about three inches length and thickness of a roll, and then put away his breakfast things on the window-shelf. If he had been in the humor to go to church, how could he?, he would have been turned out as an object involuntarily exciting everybody to laughter. + + + + + + As for Gammon, during the short time he had stayed, how he had endeared himself to Titmouse, by explaining, not aware that Titmouse had confessed all to Snap, the singular change in the color of his hair to have been occasioned by the intense mental anxiety through which he had lately passed The anecdotes he told
of sufferers, whose hair a single night's agony had changed to all the colors of the rainbow ! Though Tagrag outstayed all his fellow-visitors, in the manner which has been described, he could not
revail upon Titmouse to accompany him in his “carriage,” for Titmouse pleaded a pressing engagement (i. e. a desperate attempt, he purposed making to obtain Some ink), but pledged himself to make his appearance at Satin Lodge at the appointed hour—half-past three or four o'clock. Away, therefore, drove Tagrag delighted that Satin Lodge would so soon contain so resplendent a visitor—indignant at the cringing, sycophantic attentions of Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, & Snap, against whom he resolved to put Titmouse on his guard, and infinitely astonished at the extraordinary change that had taken place in the color of Titmouse's hair. Partly influenced by the explanation which Gammon had given of the phenomenon, Tagrag resigned himself to feelings of simple wonder. Titmouse was doubtless passing through stages of physical transmogrification, corresponding with the marvellous change that was taking place in his circumstances; and for all he (Tagrag) knew, other and more extraordinary changes were going on; Titmouse might be growing at the rate of an half-inch a day, and soon stand before him a man more than six feet high ' Considerations such as these, invested Titmouse with intense and o interest in the estimation of Tagrag; how could he make enough of him at Satin Lodge that day? If ever that hardened sinner felt inclined to utter an inward prayer, it was as he drove home—that Heaven would array his daughter in angel hues to the eyes of Titmouse !
My friend Tittlebat made his appearance at the gate of Satin Lodge, at about a quarter to four o'clock. Good gracious, how he had dressed himself out ! He considerably exceeded his appearance when first presented to the reader.
+ + + + *
Not dreaming that he could be seen, he stood beside the gate for a moment, under the melanchcly laburnum; and, taking a dirty-looking silk handkerchief out of so hat, slapped it vigorously about his boots, (from which circumstance it may be inferred that he had walked), and replaced it in his hat. Then he unbuttoned his surtout, adjusted it nicely, and disposed his chain and eyeglass just so as to let the tip only of the latter be seen peeping out of his waistcoat; twitched up his collar, plucked down his wristbands, drew the tip of a white pocket-handkerchief out of a pocket in the breast of a surtout, ulled a white glove, half-way on his left }. and, having thus given the finishing touches to his toilet, opened the gate, and—Tittlebat Titmouse, Esq., the great uest of the day, for the first time in his ife (swinging a little ebony cane about with careless grace) entered the domain of Mr. Tagrag. The little performance I have been describing, though every bit of it passin under the eyes of Tagrag, his wife, an his daughter, had not excited a smile ; their anxious feelings were too dead to be reached or stirred by light emotions. Miss Tagrag turned very pale and trembled. “La, pa,” said she faintly, “how could you say he'd got white eyebrows and whiskers ? They’re a beautiful black.” Tagrag was speechless: the fact was so —for Titmouse had fortunately obtained a little bottle of ink. As Titmouse approached the house (Tagrag hurrying out to open the door for him), he saw the two ladies standing at the windows. Off went his hat, and out dropped the silk handkerchief, not a little disconcerting him for the moment. Tagrag, however, soon occupied his attention at the door with anxious civilities, shaking him by the hand, hanging up his hat and stick, and then introducing him to the sitting-room. The ladies received him with most profound courtesies, which Titmouse returned with a quick embarrassed bow, and an indistinct—“I hope you're well mem " If they had had presence of mind enough to observe it, the purple color of Titmouse's hair must have surprised them not a little; all they could see, however, was—the angelic owner of ten thousand a year.
“ONE OF THE GREATEST HEROES OF ANTIQUITY.”—It is related that when Miss Anna Dickinson was about to deliver her lecture on Joan D'Arc in a small Western town, it was considered necessary that she should be introduced to the audience. The task fell on the Chairman of the Lecture Committee, a worthy indi
vidual, but not very well versed in history. “Ladies and gentlemen,” said he, advancing to the front of the platform, “Miss Dickinson will address you tonight on the life and adventures of John Dark, one of the greatest heroes of antiquity. We are not as familiar with the heroes of antiquity as we ought to be, owing to the long time since antiquity; but one thing is certain, and that is that Miss Dickinson can tell us all about that most remarkable man of them all, John Dark.”
PRUDENCE EXEMPLIFIED.—On one occasion a sma' laird was waited on by a neighbor to request his name as an accommodation to a bit bill for £20, at three months, which led to the following characteristic colloquy : “Na, na, I canna do that.” “ § for no, laird; ye hae dune the same thing for ithers?” “Aye, aye, Tammas; but there's wheels within wheels Yo ken nothing aboot; I canna do't.” “It’s a sma' affair to refuse me, laird.” “Weel, ye see, Tammas, if I was to pit my name till’t, ye wad get the siller frae the bank, and when the time cam round ye wadna be ready, and I wad hae to pay’t, sae you and me wad quarrel; sae we may just as weel quarrel the noo as lang as the siller's in ma pouch.”
AN anecdote is related illustrative of the slyness of the Bohemians compared with the simple honesty of the Germans and the candid unscrupulousness of the Hungarians. In war times three soldiers, one each of these three nations, met in a parlor of an inn, over the chimney-piece of which hung a watch. When they had gone the German said, “That is a good watch; I wish I had bought it.” “I am sorry I did not take it,” said the Hungarian. “I have it in my pocket,” said the Bohemian.
How IT WAS.—“I sall tell you how it vas. I drink mine lager; den I put mine hand on mine head, and dere was von
ain. Den I put mine hand on mine i. and dere was anoder pain. Den I put mine hand in mine pocket, and dere was notting. So I jine mit de demperance. Now dere is no pain more in mine head, and de pain in mine body was all gone avay. I put mine hand in mine pocket, and dere was dventy tollars. So I shtay mit de demperance.”