Which is the most awkward time for a train to start? 12.50, as it's ten to one if you catch it. What is the difference between a light in a cave and a dance in an inn? One is a taper in a cavern, the other a caper in a tavern. Why can negroes be safely trusted with secrets? Because they always keep dark. Why is a bride-groom often more expensive than a bride? Because the bride is given away, but the groom is often sold. Why was Goliath surprised when David struck him with a stone? Because such a thing never entered his head before. Why are doctors always bad characters? Because the worse people are, the more they are with them. Why is a camel a most irascible animal? Because he always has his back up. Why is the world like music? Because it is full of sharps and flats. Why is a one dollar greenback better than a new silver dollar? Because when you fold it you double it and when you open it you find it in-creases. When does a man impose on himself? When he taxes his memory. Why are good intentions like fainting ladies? Because all they want is carrying out. Why is a kiss like a properly divided sermon? It requires an introduction, two heads, and an application. When is money damp? When it is due in the morning and missed at night. Why were the brokers in the panic of 1873 like Pharaoh's daughter? They saved a little prophet from the rushes on the banks. Why is a sculptor's death the most terrible? Because he makes faces and busts. Why is an omnibus strap like conscience? Because it's an inner check to the outer man. Little Freddie was undergoing the disagreeable operation of having his hair combed by his mother, and he grumbled at the maneuver. "Why, Freddie," said his mamma, "you ought not to make such a fuss. I don't fuss and cry when my hair is being combed." "Yes, but your hair ain't hitched to your head," replied the youthful party. Imagine the indignation of an American boy in a French school, who in a history class is told how Lafayette, the great French general, triumphed in the revolution, assisted by one Washington. "Is this the front of the Capitol?" asked a newly-arrived stranger of a darkey. "No, sah; dis heah side in front am de rear. Ef yer wants ter see de front yer must go around dar behind on de udder side." The witness before the court was Mr. Wood. "What is your name?" asked the clerk. "Ottiwell Wood," answered the witness. "How do you spell your name?" then asked the somewhat puzzled judge. Mr. Wood replied: O double T, I double U, E double L, double U, double 0, D." The astonished judge thought it the most extraordinary name he had met with, and, after two or three attempts to record it, gave it up, amid roars of laughter. "Pa, what does it mean to be tried by a jury of one's peers?" It means, my son, that a man is to be tried by a jury composed of men who are his equals-on an equality with him, so they will have no prejudice against him." "Then, pa, I suppose you'd have to be tried by a jury of baldheaded men!" "So you would not take me to be twenty?" said a young lady to her partner while dancing a polka one evening. "What would you take me for, then?" "For better, for worse," he replied, and he was accepted. A boy was asked if he ever prayed in church and answered, "Oh, I always say a prayer like all the rest do, just before the sermon begins." "Indeed," responded the astonished querist, "what do you say?" 'Now I lay me down to sleep." City belle (meeting country aunt): “Oh, I'm so glad to see you! Come and see us next week, do, I'm going to have a german on Thursday." Aunt (with severity): "Not I, child. I don't want to see any one of the family that's going to make a fool of herself by marrying a foreigner.” A consumptive looking man, lame and feeble, and carrying a pint bottle full of something, halted a pedestrian in the street the other day, and said: "I found this bottle in the corner there, and I wish you would tell me what's in it." The other took it, removed the cork, and snuffed in a full breath. The next instant he staggered against the wall, clawing the air and choking and gasping, and it was a full minute before he blurted out: "Why, you idiot, that's hartshorn!” “Well, I am perfectly willing to take your word for it without extra insults," observed the invalid, in an injured voice. He took his bottle and walked off like a man who had been abused without the least excuse. A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, called to him with an insolent air, "Well, honest fellow," said one of them, "'tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labor." To which the countryman replied, "Tis very likely you may, truly; for I am sowing hemp.” "Well, Bridget, if I engage you I shall want you to stay at home whenever I wish to go out." "Well, ma'am, I have no objection," said Bridget," providin' you do the same when I wish to go out." A patent medicine advertisement reads thus: “When a lethargic feeling pervades your system, when you have a disinclination to move about, when you have an abhorrence to exercise, your liver is inactive." This will be glad tidings to many people who have always thought they were lazy when they felt that way. Now they will know that it was only their liver that was inactive. They were talking about the weight of different individuals in a certain family, and the daughter's young man, who was present, spoke up before he thought, and said: “I tell you that Jennie ain't so very light either, although she looks so." And then he looked suddenly conscious, and blushed, and Jennie became absorbed in studying a chromo on the wall. "There is no use of talking," said a woman. "Every time I move I vow I'll never move again; but such neighbors as I get in with! Seem's though they grow worse and worse." Indeed," replied a friend. "Perhaps you take the worst neighbor with you when you move." An oppressive atmosphere prevails in that vicinity. Two old ladies were sitting before the fire engaged in silent thought. Finally one of them arose, went to the window, and scanning the appearance of nature outside, said, "Betsy, I believe it's going to rain.” “No such thing,” returned the other; "the sun's shining and there's not a cloud to be seen." "Can't help that," resumed her companion; "the tin rooster on 'Squire Gilbert's barn is p'intin straight toward the East, and that's a sure sign of a storm.” Betsy turned as she said this, and looking her square in the face with a conservative expression, exclaimed "Lor sakes, Jane, how can you be so superstitious." Dear Laura, when you were a flirting young miss, And I was your dutiful swain, Your smiles could exalt to the summit of bliss; Your frown could o'erwhelm me with pain: You were dear to me then, love, but now you're my wife, You seem to get dearer and dearer. A country physician of limited sense and "limiteder" education, was called to see Mr. R.'s little boy, who was quite ill. He gave some medicine and left, promising to call on the following morning. When he arrived Mr. R. met him at the gate and informed him that the child was convalescent. "Convalescent?" said the doctor, "convalescent? Then if he is that bad off you'll have to call in some other physician; I never treated a case of it in my life!" and with that he mounted his horse and departed. |