But no! ah no! 'twas by no means so Tout au contraire, no lady so fair, Was e'er known to wear more contented an air; Nay more; don't suppose With such doings as those This account of her merits must come to a close; Sat her kinsman MacBride, Captain Dugald MacBride, Royal Scots Fusiliers ;- While she was a-knitting, Some very "wise saw," from some very good book,— It was always the same, The Captain was reading aloud to the dame, Till, from having gone through half the books on the shelf, They were almost as wise as Sir Thomas himself. Well it happened one day,— I really can't say The particular month;-but I think 'twas in May, 'Twas I know in the spring-time, when nature looks gay," As the poet observes, and on tree-top and spray, The dear little dickey birds carol away, That the whole of the house was thrown into affright, It seems he had taken A light breakfast,-bacon, An egg, a little broiled haddock—at most A round and a half of some hot buttered toast, He had called for his hat, ith the brim that I've said was so broad and so flat, And his "specs" with the tortoise-shell rim, and his cane. Thus armed he set out on a ramble-a-lack ! He set out poor dear soul !—but he never came back! "First dinner bell" rang Out its euphonous clang At five-folks kept early hours then-and the "last" Said the lady, "Dish up! Let the meal be served straight, And kept hot for Sir Thomas."-Captain Dugald said grace. Then set himself down in Sir Thomas' place. Wearily, wearily, all that night, That live-long night did the hours go by; In grief and pain, She sat herself down to cry! And Captain MacBride, Who sat by her side, Though I really can't say that he actually cried, As much as can well be expected, perhaps, What he'd got in his head, 'Twould have been, "Poor old Buffer, he's certainly dead " The morning dawned,-and the next-and the next, No knocker fell, His approach to tell; Not so much as a runaway ring at the bell. Yet the sun shone bright upon tower and tree, And thus 'twill be,-nor long the day,- The stream we loved shall roll as fair, These were hinted to me as the very ideas Of course at her side, Who could not look quite so forlorn-though he tried. That if "poor dear Sir Thomas" should really be dead, A lady slim and tall, To set himself down in comfort there The lord of Tapton Hall. Thinks he, "We have sent And nobody knows how much money's been spent, Lost or Mislaid, A GENTLEMAN;-middle-aged, sober and staid; And a hat rather low crowned, and broad in the brim. Or send him with care, (Right side uppermost) home; or shall give notice where "Had he been above ground, He must have been found. No; doubtless he's shot,-or he's hang'd,—or he's drown'd! Then his widow-ay! ay! But what will folks say? To address her at once, at so early a day! Well-what then?-who cares !-let 'em say what they may." FF When a man has decided, As Captain MacBride did, And once fully made up his mind on the matter, he Around her jimp, taper waist- Crying out 'twas the gard'ner-“Oh ma'am ! we've found master!!" "Where! where ?" scream'd the lady; and echo screamed "Where?" The man could'nt say "there!" He had no breath to spare, But gasping for breath he could only respond, 'Twas e'en so; poor dear Knight, with his "specs" and his hat. He'd gone poking his nose into this and to that; When close to the side of the bank, le espied His own;-he had caught her! Got hold of her tail,—and to land almost brought her, When he plumped head and heels into fifteen feet water! The Lady Jane was tall and slim, The Lady Jane was fair, Alas! for Sir Thomas !-she grieved for him, She sobb'd and she sighed, she lamented and cried, She swoon'd, and I think she'd have fallen down and died, Hadn't been by her side With the gardener;-they both their assistance supplied, And managed to hold her up. But when she "comes to," Oh! 'tis shocking to view The sight which the corpse reveals! It look'd so odd-he Was half eaten up by the eels! His waistcoat and hose, And the rest of his clothes, Were all guawled through and through; An eel they drew; And from each of his pockets they pulled out two! Good Father John was summoned anon; And incense ignited, And masses were sung, and masses were said, But Lady Jane was tall and slim, And Lady Jane was fair, And ere morning came, that winsome dame Had made up her mind, or-what's much the same,Had thought about, once more "changing her name," And she said with a pensive air, To Thompson the valet, while taking away, When supper was over, the cloth and the tray, "Eels a many I've ate; but any So good ne'er tasted before ! They're a fish too, of which I'm remarkably fond,— MORAL. All middle-aged gentlemen let me advise, If you're married, and hav'nt got very good eyes, Married ladies, especially such as are fair, Tall and slim, I would next recommend to beware, How, on losing one spouse, they give way to despair; But let them reflect, there are fish, and no doubt on't, As good in the river, as ever came out on't. |