Men learned more from Fools, than Fools | so long a Time, so clever a Fellow as you from wise Men. 147. A Braggadocio chancing, upon an Occasion, to run away full Speed, was asked by one, what was become of that Courage he used so much to talk of, it is got, said he, all into my Heels. 148. Somebody asked my Lord Bacon what he thought of Poets; why, said he, I think them the very best Writers next to those who write in Prose. 149. A Profligate young Nobleman, being in Company with some sober People, desired leave to toast the Devil; the Gentleman who sat next him, said, he had no Objection to any of his Lordship's Friends. 150. A Scotsman was very angry with an English Gentleman, who, he said, had abused him, and called him false Scot; Indeed, said the Englishman, I said no such Thing, but that you were a true Scot, 151. The late Commissary-General G-ley, who once kept a Glass Shop, having General P--c--k's Regiment under a Muster, made great Complaints of the Men's Appearance, &c., and said, that the Regiment ought to be broke: Then, Sir, said the Colonel, perhaps you think a Regiment is as soon broke as a Looking-Glass. 152. C-ll, the Bookseller, being under Examination, at the Bar of the House of Lords, for publishing the Posthumous Works of the late Duke of Buckingham, without Leave of the Family, told their Lordships in his Defence, That if the Duke was living, he was sure he would readily pardon the Offence. * * * * * * 154. J-ck E-8, the Painter, having finish'd a very good Picture of Figg the Prize-Fighter, who had been famous for getting the better of several Irishmen of the same Profession, the Piece was shewn to old J-n, the Player, who was told at the same Time, that Mr. E-s designed to have a Mezzo-tinto Print taken from it, but wanted a Motto to be put under it: Then said old J-n, I'll give you one: A Figg for the Irish. * * * * * * * 156. A Gentleman coming to an Inn in Smithfield, and seeing the Hostler expert and tractable about the Horses, asked, how long he had lived there? And What Countryman he was? I'se Yerkshire, said the Fellow, an ha' lived Sixteen Years here. I wonder,reply'd the Gentleman, that in seem to be, have not come to be Master of the Inn yourself. Ay, said the Hostler, but Maister's Yerkshire too. 157. The late Colonel Chartres, reflecting on his ill Life and Character, told a certain Nobleman, that if such a Thing as a good Name was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000 Pounds for one; the Nobleman said, it would certainly be the worst Money he ever laid out in his Life. Why so, said the honest Colonel; because, answered my Lord, you would forfeit it again in less than a Week. 158. A seedy [poor] half-pay Captain, who was much given to blabbing every thing he heard, was told, there was but one Secret in the World he could keep, and that was where he lodged. 159. Jack M-n, going one Day into the Apartments at St. James's, found a Lady of his Acquaintance sitting in one of the Windows, who very courteously asked him, to sit down by her, telling him there was a Place. No, Madam, said he, I don't come to Court for a Place. If the Gentle reader should have a Desire to repeat this story, let him not make the same Blunder that a certain EnglishIrish foolish Lord did, who made the Lady ask Jack to sit down by her, telling him there was room. 160. A certain Lady of Quality sending her Irish Footman to fetch Home a Pair of new Stays, strictly charged him to take a Coach if it rained for fear of wetting them: But a great Shower of Rain falling, the Fellow returned with the Stays dropping wet, and being severely reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had obey'd his Orders; how then, answered the Lady, could the Stays be wet, if you took them into the Coach with you? No, replyed honest Teague, I knew my Place better, I did not go into the Coach, but rode behind as I always used to do. 161. Tom Warner, the late publisher of News Papers and Pamphlets, being very near his End, a Gentlewoman in the Neighbourhood sending her Maid to enquire how he did, he bad the Girl tell her Mistress, that he hoped he was going to the New-Jerusalem; Ah, dear Sir, said she, I dare say the Air of Islington would do you more good. 162. A Person said the Scotch were certainly the best trained up for Soldiers of any People in the World, for they began to handle their Arms almost as soon | says the Monsieur, you make a de Rat one as they were born. such Bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your House again, me will be hang. * * * * * * * 165. The Deputies of Rochel, attending to speak with Henry the Fourth of France, met with a Physician who had renounced the Protestant Religion, and embrac'd the Popish Communion, whom they began to revile most grievously. The King hearing of it, told the Deputies, he advis'd them to change their Religion, for it is a danger- | ous Symptom, says he, that your Religion is not long-liv'd, when a Physician has given it over. 166. Two Oxford Scholars meeting on the Road with a Yorkshire Ostler, they fell to bantering the Fellow, and told him, they could prove him a Horse, an Ass, and I know not what; and I, said the Ostler, can prove your Saddle to be a Mule: A Mule! cried one of them, how can that be? because, said the Ostler, it is something between a Horse and an Ass. 169. A Westminster Justice taking Coach in the City, and being set down at Young Man's Coffee-house, Charing- Cross, the Driver demanded Eighteen-Pence as his Fare; the Justice asked him, if he would swear that the Ground came to the Money: the man said he would take his Oath on't. The Justice replyed, Friend, I am a Magistrate, and pulling a Book out of his Pocket, administer'd the Oath, then gave the Fellow Six-pence, saying, he must reserve the shilling to himself for the Affidavit. 170. A Countryman passing along the Strand saw a Coach overturn'd, and asking what the Matter was? He was told, that three or four Members of Parliament were overturned in that Coach: Oh, says he, there let them lie, my father always advis'd me not to meddle with State Affairs. 167. A Frenchman travelling between Dover and London, came into an Inn to lodge, where the Host perceiving him a 171. One saying that Mr. Dennis was close-fisted Cur, having called for nothing an excellent Critick, was answered, that but a Pint of Beer and a Pennyworth of indeed his Writings were much to be valBread to eat with a Sallad he had gathered ued; for that by his Criticism he taught by the Way, resolved to fit him for it, Men how to write well, and by his Poetry, therefore seemingly paid him an extra- shew'd 'em what it was to write ill; so ordinary Respect, laid him a clean Cloth that the World was sure to edify by him. for Supper, and complimented him with 172. One going to see a Friend who had the best Bed in the House. In the Morn-lain a considerable Time in the Marshalsea ing he set a good Sallad before him, with Cold Meat, Butter, &c., which provok'd the Monsieur to the Generosity of calling for half a Pint of Wine; then coming to pay, the Host gave him a Bill, which, for the best Bed, Wine, Sallad, and other Appurtenances, he had enhanc'd to the Value of twenty Shillings. Jernie, says the Frenchman, Twenty Shillings! Vat you mean? But all his spluttering was in vain; for the Host with a great deal of TavernElocution, made him sensible that nothing could be 'bated. The Monsieur, therefore, seeing no remedy, but Patience, seem'd to pay it chearfully. After which he told the Host, that his House being extremely troubled with Rats, he could give him a Receipt to drive 'em away, so as they should never return again. The Host being very desirous to be rid of those troublesome Guests, who were every Day 175. A certain Noblem-, a Cour-r, in doing him one mischief or other, at length the Beginning of the late Reign, coming concluded to give Monsieur twenty shill-out of the H-se of L-ds, accosts the ings for a receipt; which done, Begar, Duke of B-ham, with, How does your Prison, in a starving Condition, was persuading him, rather than lie there in that miserable Case, to go to Sea; which not agreeing with his high Spirit, I thank you for your Advice, replies the Prisoner, but if I go to Sea, I am resolv'd it shall be upon good Ground. 173. A Drunken Fellow carrying his Wife's Bible to pawn for a Quartern of Gin, to an Alehouse, the Man of the House refused to take it. What, said the Fellow, will neither my Word, nor the Word of G-d pass? 174. A certain Justice of Peace, not far from Clerkenwell, in the first Year of King George I. when his Clerk was reading a Mittimus to him, coming to Anno Domini 1714, cry'd out with some warmth, and why not Georgeo Domini, sure, Sir, you forget yourself strangely. pot boil, my Lord, these troublesome Times? To which his Grace replied, I never go into my Kitchen, but I dare say the Scum is uppermost. * * * * * * * 177. The Lord N-th and G-y, being once at an Assembly at the Theatre Royal, in the Hay-Market, was pleased to tell Mr. H-d-gg-r he wou'd make him a Present of £100 if he could produce an uglier Face in the whole Kingdom than his, the said H-d-gg-r's, within a Year and a Day: Mr. H-d-gg-r went instantly and fetched a Looking-Glass, and presented it to his Lordship, saying, He did not doubt but his Lordship had Honour enough to keep his Promise. * 179. A Person who had an unmeasurable Stomach, coming to a Cook's Shop to dine, said it was not his Way to have his Meat cut, but to pay 8d. for his Ordinary; which the Cook seemed to think reasonable enough, and so set a Shoulder of Mutton before him, of half a Crown Price, to cut where he pleas'd; with which he so play'd the Cormorant that he devour'd all but the Bones, paid his Ordinary, and troop'd off. The next Time he came, the Cook, casting a Sheep's Eye at him, desired him to agree for his Victuals, for he'd have no more Ordinaries. Why, a on you, says he, I'm sure I paid you an Ordinary Price. 180. The extravagant Duke of Buckingham Villiers], once said in a melancholy Humour, he was afraid he should die a Beggar, which was the most terrible Thing in the World; upon which a Friend of his Grace's replyed, No, my Lord, there is a more terrible Thing than that, and which you have Reason to fear, and that is, that you'll live a Beggar. 181. The same Duke another Time was making his Complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich Miser, of the Disorder of his Affairs, and asked him what he should do to prevent the Ruin of his Estate? Live as I do, my Lord, said Sir John: That I can do, answered the Duke, when I am ruined. 183. The old Lord Strangford taking a Bottle with the Parson of the Parish, was commending his own Wine. Here, Doctor, says he, I can send a couple of Ho-Ho-HoHounds to France (for his Lordship had an impediment in his speech), and have a HoHo-Ho-Hogshead of this Wi-Wi-Wi- Wine for 'em; What do you say to that, Doctor? Why, I say, your Lordship has your Wine Dog-cheap. 184. The famous Jack Ogle of facetious Memory, having borrow'd on Note five Pounds, and failing the Payment, the Gentleman who had lent it, indiscreetly took Occasion to talk of it in the Publick Coffee-house, which oblig'd Jack to take Notice of it, so that it came to a Challenge. Being got into the Field, the Gentleman a little tender in Point of Courage, offer'd him the Note to make the Matter up; to which our Hero consented readily, and had the Note delivered: But now, said the Gentleman, If we should return without fighting, our Companions will laugh at us; therefore let's give one another a slight Scar, and say we wounded one another; with all my Heart, says Jack; Come I'll wound you first; so drawing his Sword, he whipt it thro' the fleshy Part of his Antagonist's Arm, till he brought the very Tears in his Eyes. This being done, and the Wound ty'd up with a Handkerchief; Come, says the Gentleman, now where shall I wound you? Jack putting himself in a fighting Posture, cried, Where you can. —B—d, Sir. Well, well, says the other, I can swear I received this Wound of you, and so march'd off contentedly. 185. A Traveller at an Inn once on a very cold Night, stood so near the Fire that he burnt his Boots. An arch Rogue that sat in the Chimney-Corner, call'd out to him, Sir, you'll burn your Spurs presently: My Boots you mean, I suppose : No, Sir, says he, they are burnt already. 186. In Eighty-Eight, when Queen Elizabeth 1 went from Temple-Bar along Fleet-street, on some Procession, the Lawyers were rang'd on one Side of the Way, and the Citizens on the other; says the Lord Bacon, then a Student, to a Lawyer, that stood next him, Do but observe the Courtiers: if they bow first to the Citizens, they are in Debt; if to us, they are in Law. 182. At another Time, a Person who had long been a Dependant on his Grace, begged his Interest for him at Court, and to press the Thing more home upon the Duke, said He had no Body to depend on but God and his Grace; then, says the Duke, you are in a miserable Way, for you could not have pitched upon any two persons who have less Interest at Court. 187. Some Gentlemen having a Hare for Supper at the Tavern, the Cook, instead of a Pudding, had cramm'd the Belly full of Thyme, but had not above half roasted the Hare, the Legs being almost raw; which one of the Company observing, said, There was too much Thyme, or Time, in the Belly, and too little in the Legs. 188. Two Countrymen, who had never seen a Play in their Lives, nor had any Notion of it, went to the Theatre in Drury-Lane, when they placed themselves snug in the Corner of the Middle Gallery; the first Musick play'd, which they lik'd well enough; then the Second, and the Third to their great Satisfaction: At length the Curtain drew up, and three or four Actors enter'd to begin the Play; upon which one of them cried to the other: Come, Hodge, let's be going; ma'haps the Gentlemen are talking about Busi ness. 189. A Countryman sowing his Ground, two smart Fellows riding that Way, call'd to him with an insolent Air: Well, honest Fellow, says one of them, 'tis your Business to sow, but we reap the Fruits of your Labour; to which the plain Countryman reply'd: 'Tis very likely you may, truly, for I am sowing Hemp. 190. Two inseparable Comrades, who rode in the Guards in Flanders, had every Thing in common between them. One of them being a very extravagant Fellow, and unfit to be trusted with Money, the other was always Purse-bearer, which yet he gain'd little by, for the former would at Night frequently pick his Pocket to the last Stiver; to prevent which, he bethought himself of a Stratagem, and coming among his Companions the next Day, he told them, he had bit his Comrade. Ay, how? say they. Why, says he, I hid my Money in his own Pocket last Night, and I was sure he would never look for it there. 191. The famous Sir George Rook, when he was a Captain of Marines, quartered at a Village where he buried a pretty many of his Men: At length the Parson refus'd to perform the Ceremony of their Interrment any more, unless he was paid for it, which being told Captain Rook, he ordered Six Men of his Company to carry the Corpse of the Soldier, then dead, and lay him upon the Parson's Hall-Table. This so embarrassed the Parson, that he sent the Captain Word, If he'd fetch the Man away, he'd bury him and his whole Company for nothing. 192. A reverend and charitable Divine, for the Benefit of the Country where he resided, caused a large Causeway to be begun: As he was one Day overlooking the Work, a certain Nobleman came by; Well, Doctor, says he, for all your great Pains and Charity, I don't take this to be the Highway to Heaven. Very true, my Lord, replied the Doctor, for if it had, I shou'd have wondered to have met your Lordship here. 193. Two Jesuits having pack'd together an innumerable Parcel of miraculous lies, a Person who heard them, without taking upon him to contradict them, told 'em one of his own: That at St. Alban's, there was a Stone Cistern, in which Water was always preserv'd for the Use of that Saint; and that ever since, if a Swine shou'd eat out of it, he would instantly die. The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the Story, set out the next Day to St. Alban's, where they found themselves miserably deceived. On their Return, they upbraided the Person with telling them so monstrous a Story. Look ye there now, said he, you told me a hundred Lies t'other Night, and I had more Breeding than to contradict you, I told you but one, and you have rid twenty Miles to confute me, which is very uncivil. 194. A Welchman and an Englishman vaporing one Day at the Fruitfulness of their Countries; the Englishman said, there was a Close near the Town where he was born, which was so fertile, that if a Kiboo was thrown in over Night, it would be so covered with Grass, that 'twould be difficult to find it the next day; Splut, says the Welchman, what's that? There's a Close where hur was born, where you may put your Horse in over Night and not be able to find him the next Morning. 195. A Country Fellow in King Charles the IId's Time, selling his Load of Hay in the Haymarket, two Gentlemen who came out of the Blue-Posts, were talking of Affairs; one said, that Things did not go right, the King had been at the House and prorogued the Parliament. The Countryman coming Home, was ask`d, what News in London? Odsheart, says he, there's something to do there; the King. it seems, has berogued the Parliament sadly. 196. A wild young Gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous young Lady; the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at his Return, that she was dead, and had been buried: In the mean Time, she had so plac'd herself in Disguise, as to be able to observe how he took the News; and finding him still the same gay inconstant Man he always had been, she appear'd to him as the Ghost of herself, at which he seemed not at all dismayed: At length disclosing herself to him, he then appear'd pretty much surpriz'd; a Person by said, Why, Sir, you seem more afraid now than before, Ay, replied he, most Men are more afraid of a living Wife, than a dead one. 197. An under Officer of the Customs, at the Port of Liverpool, running heedlessly along a Ship's Gunnel, happened to tip over-board, and was drown'd; being soon after taken up, the Coroner's Jury was summoned to sit upon the Body. One of the Jury-Men returning home, was call'd to by an Alderman of the Town, and ask'd what Verdict they brought in, and whether they found it Felo de se: Ay, ay, says the Jury-Man shaking his Noddle, he fell into the Sea, sure enough. 198. One losing a Bag of Money of about 50%. between Temple-Gate and Temple-Bar, fix'd a Paper up, offering a 10. Reward to those who took it up, and should return it: Upon which the Person that had it came and writ underneath to the following Effect, Sir, I thank you, but you bid me to my Loss. 199. Two Brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous Crime; the Eldest was first turn'd off, without saying one Word: The other mounting the Ladder, began to harangue the Crowd, whose Ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting some Confession from him, Good People, says he, my Brother hangs before my Face and you see what a lamentable Spectacle he makes; in a few Moments I shall be turned off too, and then you'll see a Pair of Spectacles. 200. It was an usual Saying of King Charles II. That Sailors got their Money like Horses, and spent it like Asses; the following Story is somewhat an Instance of it: One Sailor coming to see another on pay-day, desired to borrow twenty Shillings of him; the money'd Man fell to telling out the Sum in Shillings, but a Half-Crown thrusting its Head in, put him out, and he began to tell again, but then an impertinent Crown-Piece was as officious as it's half Brother had been, and again interrupted the Tale; so that taking up a Handful of Silver, he cry'd, Here, Jack, give me a Handful when your Ship's paid, what signifies counting it. 201. A Person enquiring what became of such a One? Oh! dear, says one of the Company, poor Fellow, he dy'd insolvent, and was buried by the Parish: Died in Solvent crys another, that's a Lie, for he died in England, I'm sure I was at his Burying. 202. A humorous Countryman having bought a Barn, in Partnership with a Neighbour of his, neglected to make the least Use of it, whilst the other had plentifully stored his Part with Corn and Hay: In a little Time the latter came to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him upon laying out his Money so fruitlessly: Pray, Neighbour, says he, ne'er trouble your Head, you may do what you will with your Part of the Barn, but I'll set mine o' Fire. * * * * * * * 204. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had run through a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to some Streights, was innocently saying to him one Day, My Dear, I want some Shifts sadly. Shifts, Madam, replies he, D---me, how can that be, when we make so many every Day? 205. A Fellow once Standing in the Pillory at Temple-Bar, it occasioned a Stop, so that a Carman with a Load of Cheeses had much ado to pass, and driving just up to the Pillory, he asked what that was that was writ over the Person's Head: They told him, it was a Paper to signify his Crime, that he stood for Forgery: Ay, says he, what is Forgery? They answered him, that Forgery was counterfeiting another's Hand with intent to cheat People: To which the Carman replied, looking up at the Offender, this comes of your Writing and Reading, you silly Dog. * * * * * * * 207. When the Prince of Orange came over, Five of the Seven Bishops who were sent to the Tower declar'd for his Highness, and the other Two would not come into Measures; upon which, Mr. Dryden said, that the seven Golden Candlesticks were sent to be essay'd in the Tower, and five of them prov'd Prince's Metal. 208. A Dog coming open-mouth'd at a Serjeant upon a March, he run the Spear of his Halbert into his Throat and kill'd him: The Owner coming out rav'd extreamly that his Dog was kill'd, and ask'd the Serjeant, Why he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt End of his Halbert? So I would, says he, if he bud run at me with his Tail. |