they were forced to sleep in the open air; and, to avert danger, it was agreed to keep watch by turns. The lot fell first on the barber, who, for amusement, shaved the fool's head while he slept; he then woke him, and the fool, raising his hand to scratch his head, exclaimed, "Here's a pretty mistake! Rascal, you have waked the bald-headed man instead of me." 10. A gentleman had a cask of fine wine, from which his servant stole a large quantity. When the master perceived the deficiency, he diligently inspected the top of the cask, but could find no traces of an opening. Look if there be not a hole in the bottom," said a bystander. "Blockhead," he replied, "do you not see that the deficiency is at the top, and not at the bottom?" 66 A lady having occasion to call upon Abernethy, the great surgeon, and knowing his repugnance to anything like verbosity, forbore speaking except simply in reply to his laconic inquiries. The consultation, during three visits, was conducted in the following manner: First Day.-(Lady enters and holds out her finger.) Abernethy.-"Cut?" Lady.— "Bite." A.-"Dog?" L.-"Parrot." A.-"Go home and poultice it." Second Day.-(Finger held out again.) 4.-"Better?" L.-Worse." A.—“Go home and poultice it again." Third Day. (Finger held out as before.) 4.-"Better?" L.-"Well." A.-"You're the most sensible woman I ever met with. Good-by. Get out." If brevity is the soul of wit, Talleyrand was the greatest of wits. A single word was often sufficient for his keenest retort. When a hypochondriac, who had notoriously led a profligate life, complained to the diplomatist that he was enduring the torments of hell,-" Je sens les tourmens de l'enfer," the answer was, "Déjà?" (Already?) To a lady who had lost her husband, Talleyrand once addressed a letter of condolence in two words :-"O, Madame!" In less than a year the lady had married again; and then his letter of congratulation was, "Ah, Madame!" Could anything be more wittily significant than the "O" and the "Ah" of this sententious correspondence? Prince Metternich once requested the autograph of Jules Janin. The witty journalist sent him the following: "I acknowledge the receipt from M. de Metternich of twenty bottles of Johannisberg, for which I return infinite thanks. JULES JANIN." The prince, in return, doubled the quantity, and sent him forty bottles. This is equal to the joke of Rochester, on the occasion of Charles II.'s crew of rakes writing pieces of poetry and handing them to Dryden, so that he might decide which was the prettiest poet. Rochester finished his piece in a few minutes, and Dryden decided that it was the best. On reading it, the lines were found to be the following: "I promise to pay, to the order of John Dryden, twenty pounds.-ROCHESTER.' THE WIDOW. [CHRISTIAN FÜRCHTEGOTT GELLERT was born at Hainchen, in Saxony, in 1715. His father was a poor clergyman with thirteen children. He was sent first to the "Prince's School," and entered the University at Leipsic, where he studied theology. He died in 1769. His most popular piece in Germany, is "The Widow."] DORINDA'S youthful spouse, I never saw before, in all my life, Up to the second story of the house, Whom as herself she loved, and better, There in her chamber, having turned the too, key, She shut herself with him, and sought relief And comfort in the midst of bitter grief, And held herself as bound, if she would be To weep away the remnant of her life. Forever worthy of his memory, What more could one desire of a wife? So sat Dorinda many weeks, heart-broken, In all that time, to living creature spoken, Out of her window: and to-day, by chance, Just as she looked, a stranger stood below. Up in a twinkling came the house-maid running, And said, with look of sweetest, half hid cunning, "Madam, a gentleman would speak to you, one would wish to A lovely gentleman as can; Tell him I'm sick with sorrow; for, ah me! "Madam, 't will not do; You must come down; now do, I pray. Fluttering 'twixt memory and hope; the Embracing, with a sudden glow, The image that so long had soothed her woe, 4 She cannot find a single one, then quick She calls Dorinda out; in agony. "Ah, madam, hear the solemn truth," says she: "There's not a stick of fish-wood in the house. A MAN WHO DIDN'T OVERESTIMATE HIMSELF. A HEBREW merchant from a Western Suppose I take that image down and split city went into one of our large wholesale it? That Is good, hard wood, and to our purpose pat." "The image? No, indeed!-But-wellyes, do! What need you have been making all this touse? "But, ma'am, the image is too much for me; I cannot lift it all alone, you see ;'T would go out of the window easily." "A lucky thought! and that will split it for you, too. The gentleman in future lives with me; I may no longer nurse this misery." Up went the sash, and out the blessed Stephen flew. RELICS. "WHAT is this?" said a traveller, who entertained reasonable doubts as to the genuineness of certain so-called relics of antiquity, while visiting an old cathedral in the Netherlands: "What is contained in this phial?" "Sir," replied the sacristan, "that phial contains one of the frogs picked up when houses the other day, and said he wished to buy about $1,500 worth of goods. He was willing to pay $1,200 cash, and give his note for ninety days for the rest of the bill. The firm looked up the house which the customer represented and came to the conclusion that his note wouldn't be of much value. They concluded, however, to sell him the goods he desired, making a sufficient advance in the usual price to cover the amount of the note. The sale was made, and the bill amounted to $1,450. The purchaser paid the $1,200 and drew his note for the remainder. "Now mine vriends,” said he, “I vants you to gif me von present. I alvays has a present after so big a bill." we Well," replied the merchant, can't give you much of a present, but you can pick out a necktie for yourself, if you wish." No, no. I vants no neckties. I vants a silk dress for mine vife." "O, we can't do that!" said the merchant, "but I'll tell you what we will do. We will give you your note." "My note! No, py my gracious, I takes ze necktie !" THE COLLEGIAN AND THE PORTER. Hor [JAMES AND HORACE SMITH, authors of The Rejected Addresses, were sons of an eminent London Solicitor; James was born Feb. 10, 1775, died Dec. 24, 1839. ace was born Dec. 31, 1779, died July 12, 1849. James followed his father's profession and succeeded him as solicitor to the board of ordnance. Horace adopted the profession of a stock broker, and realized a handsome fortune, on which he retired with his family to Brighton. 1 Both were popular and accomplished men-James remarkable for his conversational powers and gayety, and Horace (the wealthier of the two) distinguished for true liberality and benevolence. The work by which they are best known is a small volume of poetical parodies or imitations, perhaps the best in the language. On the opening of the new Drury Lane theater, in October, 1812, the committee of management advertised for an address to be spoken on the occasion, and the brothers Smith adopted a suggestion made to them, that they should write a series of supposed "Rejected Addresses." They accomplished their task in the course of a few weeksJames furnishing imitations of Wordsworth, Southey, Coleridge, Crabbe, Cobbett, etc.; while Horace contributed imitations of Scott, Byron (all but the first stanza,) Moore, and others. In point of talent, the authors were about equally matched, for though James had the greater number of successful imitations, the one by Horace of Scott is the most felicitous of the whole. It is a curious fact in literary history that a work so exceedingly popular should have had great difficulty in finding a publisher; and that the copyright, which had been originally offered to Murray for £20 and refused, was purchased by him in 1819, after the book had run through sixteen editions, for £131. The authors received above £1000 from the sale of the work.] At Trin. Coll. Cam.-which means, in proper spelling, Trinity College, Cambridge-there resided One Harry Dashington-a youth excelling In all the learning commonly provided For those who choose that classic station For finishing their education. That is he understood computing The odds at any race or match; Play truant and the rake at random- Seemed but to make his lapses greater, One need not be a necromancer To guess, that with so wild a wight, geon, Half overjoy'd, and half in dudgeon, Cried Harry as he passed the gate, Dripping with rain that never stopp'd, Because no shilling had been dropp'd. With sundry oaths, and growls and groans, I'm stripp'd; 'tis raining cats and dogs; Hush! hush!' quoth Hal, 'I'm fast asleep :' And then he snored as loud and deep As a whole company of hogs. 'But hark ye, Ben, I'll grant admittance At the same rate I paid myself.' 'Nay, master, leave me half the pittance,' I won't take less; I can't afford it.' Drew out the guinea, and restored it. 'Surely you'll give me,' growl'd the outwitted Porter, when again admitted! 'Something, now you've done your joking, Since, as you urge, I broke your rest, And you're half drowned, and quite undress'd, I'll give you,' said the generous fellowFree, as most people are, when mellow'Yes, I'll give you-leave to go to bed.' HORACE SMITH. LOVE IN A COTTAGE. [Nathaniel Parker WILLIS, a distinguished Littérateur, was born at Portland, Maine, 1807. He adopted the profession of literature early in life, and for many years was an industrious editor and voluminous writer. Most of his works have been reprinted, and attained to some degree of popularity in this country. He was the brother of the strong-minded and erratic Fanny Fern.' He died in the year 1867.] They may talk of love in a cottage, Of nature bewitchingly simple, And milkmaids half divine; They may talk of the pleasure of sleeping And a walk in the fields at morning, But give me a sly flirtation By the light of a chandelier- With a glass of pure old wine Your love in a cottage is hungry, You lie down to your shady slumber And your damsel that walks in the morning |