JEST VI. As the Kadi of Baghdad was going forth on foot to the Friday service at the Mosque, he was encountered by a drunken man, who recognising him, exclaimed: "God ennoble thee, O Kadi! It is not right that thou shouldst go on foot." Then he swore by the penalty of a divorce that he would mount the Kadi on his own neck. "Come hither, accursed wretch," said the Kadi. The Kadi being mounted on his neck, he turned back his head and asked: "Shall I gallop, or walk?" "Go at a medium pace," replied the Kadi; “only thou must not take fright, or slip, take care also to go so close to the wall that we may be safe from the pressure of the throng." "God bless thee, O Kadi," said the drunkard; "how well thou hast learnt the rules of equitation!" After he had thus brought the Kadi to the Mosque, the Kadi ordered him to be thrown into prison. "God amend thy state, O Kadi," appealed the man; is this a fit return to a person who saves thee from the disgrace of walking, devotes himself to thee as a horse, and carries thee to the Mosque with equestrian honour?" The Kadi laughed, and let him go free. JEST VIII. A blind man with a lamp in his hand and a jar on his shoulder, while passing along a certain road in the darkness of night, was met by a meddlesome fellow, who said to him: "O fool, since day and night are alike to thee, and light and darkness one to thine eyes, what use hast thou for this lamp ?" The blind man laughed and replied: "This lamp is not for my own use:-it is for such ignorant fools as thou, that they may not knock against me, and break my jar." JEST XVI. An ugly man went to the doctor and said: "I am troubled with a tumour on the most unsightly part of my body." The physician, after narrowly scanning his face, said: "It is not true: behold I see thy face but find no tumour on it." JEST XVII. A person with a large nose, who was wooing a woman, said to her in description of himself: "I am a man devoid of lightness and levity, and patient in bearThe woman retorted: ing afflictions." flictions, thou couldst never have endured "Ifthou wert not patient in bearing af this nose for forty years." JEST XVIII. A witty man, seeing a person on whose face a great quantity of hair had grown, said: "Thou hadst better eradicate a lot of this hair, before thy face becomes a head." JEST XXIII. An assembly of people being seated together, and engaged in discussing the merits and defects of men, one of them observed: "Whoever has not two seeing eyes is but half a man; and whoever has half a man: finally he who cannot swim not in his house a beautiful bride is but in the sea is but half a man." A blind and could not swim, called out to him: man in the company who had no wife, "O my dear friend, thou hast laid down an extraordinary principle, and cast me so far out of the circle of manhood, that take the name of one who is no man." still half a man is required before I can A Bedouin who had lost a camel, proclaimed: "Whoever brings me my camel shall have two camels as a reward." "Out, man!" said they to him; "what kind of business is this? Is the whole ass-load of less value than a small additional bundle laid upon it?" "You have this excuse for your words," replied he, "that you have never tasted the pleasure of finding, and the sweetness of recovering what has been lost." JEST XLI. A poet went to a physician and complained: "I have something sticking in my heart which makes me very uncomfortable, and sends a numbness through all my limbs, while my hair rises upright." The physician who was a man of wit and tact, said: "Hast thou lately composed any verse which thou hast not yet read to any one?" "Yes," replied the poet. "Read it to me," said the physician. After hearing it he said: "Read it again." When this was done he said: "Rise, thou art saved! it was this verse which stuck in thy heart, spreading its dryness outwards. Now that thou hast freed thy heart from it thy health has returned." JEST XLVIII. A poet brought to a shrewd man, an idyll, pretending that it was original, in which each couplet came from a different collection, and every thought was the conception of a different poet. The shrewd man said: "Thou hast brought me a wonderful string of camels, for should any one loosen their reins, each would incline to a different herd." THE TOMBIGBEE INCIDENT.1 The town of Clayville, situated some thirty miles from the mouth of the Tombigbee River, is at present greatly excited over the departure of the local colored minister, who recently started down the river on board a large and strongly-built colored sister, and who has not since been heard from. The circumstances attending the minister's departure were peculiar, and their publication may, perhaps, aid the recovery of the intrepid, though unintentional, voyager. The minister in question was of the Colored Baptist persuasion, and was famed throughout the Tombigbee Valley for his skill as a baptizer, as well as for his ability as a preacher. There is no doubt that he was a fearless and con scientious man. Instead of maintaining that politic silence on the subject of chickens which many colored ministers 1 From" Shooting Stars." Published by G. P. Put nam & Sons. Among the colored ladies of Clayville was one who had long desired to submit terred by a nervous dread of drowning to the rite of baptism, but who was deand by a strong repugnance to the inevitable wetting which is inseparable from the rite. Scores of times this estimable the next available opportunity, but at the lady had determined to be baptized at last moment her courage always failed her. In the days prior to emancipation, she had been the slave of a Clayville planter, and she still retained a warm affection for the young master whom she had nursed in his infancy. Not very long ago this young man called to see her, and to him she lamented the lack of courage which shut her out from baptism. Whether he was influenced by genuine kindness, or by a wicked spirit of irreverence, will perhaps never be known; but the advice which he gave his confiding nurse was the cause of the painful tragedy which followed. The young man professed to be surprised that the new safety baptismal robe, invented as he alleged, by Rev. Dr. PAUL BOYTON, of New York, had not yet been adopted by the colored Baptists of the South. He said that he had one of the robes in his possession, and that the wearer would not only be safe against any possibility of drowning, but also against the possibility of getting wet. Moreover, it could be worn underneath the usual white cotton robe, without any danger of detection. The overjoyed candidate for baptism enthusiastically accepted the young man's advice and his offer of the robe, and she immediately sent word to the minister that she would certainly be ready for baptism the very next Sunday. There was such a general distrust of sister, and, waving a farewell to his conthe sister's courage that the colored peo- gregation, began to sing a cheerful hymn. ple all assembled on the bank of the The current steadily carried him on at the Tombigbee on the next day, confident rate of at least six miles an hour, and in that her courage would fail, and that she a short time his weeping congregation would endeavor to escape from the hands was left out of sight and hearing. Withof the minister. The particular part of out oars or sails he was unable to navithe river selected for the ceremony was gate the sister to the shore, and there is comparatively shallow, but the current every reason to suppose that before the was swift, and a little lower down the next morning he was far out on the Gulf depth was at least ten feet. In fact, the of Mexico. minister, in spite of his skill, had once lost a convert, who was carried away by the current, and who, on being rescued, promptly went over to the Methodists. The timid candidate was an unusually large woman, and was certain to tax the minister's strength severely; so that there could be little doubt that the ceremony would be one of unusual interest. Captains of vessels navigating the Gulf have been requested to keep a sharp lookout for a colored sister in a Boyton life-saving dress, carrying a colored minister on her deck. Let us hope that he will soon be picked up. He has now been afloat five days without provisions or water, and must be beginning to feel the need of refreshment. Of course, any Captain who may rescue him will not ask for a reward, but if he tows the sister into port he can claim salvage to a large amount, and libel her in the nearest admiralty court. MRS. BROWN ON THE ARMY. The sister arrived at the appointed time, looking even larger than usual, and walking with much difficulty. The minister took her by the hand, and she fearlessly descended into the water. All went well until she reached the depth of about four feet, when she suddenly fell upon her back, and to the astonishment of the spectators, floated on the surface of the water. The excitement at this unprecedented event was tremendous, and the air was filled with enthusiastic shouts. [The gentleman who, under the name of Arthur The minister's face, however, wore a Sketchley, has made Mrs. Brown a "woman of the troubled expression. He towed the un- times," has republished his contributions to Fun in a accountably buoyant sister out into deep-collected form as "The Brown Papers," from which the er water, and attempted to place her on following article is extracted.] her feet. The attempt proved impracticable, and he then tried to immerse her without changing her position. In spite of all his efforts, he could not force her under, and the spectators who witnessed the struggle soon became convinced that she was bewitched. They counseled the minister to exorcise the evil one by whom she was evidently possessed, with an axe, and volunteered to supply him with heavy weights wherewith to securely sink her. That devoted man, however, refused their counsel, and persisted in his effort to immerse the sister without the aid of weights. Finally he threw his whole weight upon her, and in a moment the current swept the pair beyond their depth. In spite of the danger of his situation, the minister's cheek did not blanch. With great presence of mind he seated himself comfortably upon the floating BROWN," I says, "I'm a-goin' to a review, tho';" I says, "what-ever is the use of all them soldiers, I should like to know, 'cept for the look of the thing, as certainly is imposing, tho' red ain't a colour as suits me." So Brown, he says, "You don't know nothing about it, however should you?" I says, "Don't I? Why," I says, “my dear mother washed two rigiments as was quartered near Hounslow." Well, then," says Brown, "why ever do you go to see them?" I says, "Do you think, Mr. Brown, as I'm goin' to allow a daughter of mine, tho' married, to go to sich a sight alone where a mother is a protection; not as I expects no enjoyment; and as to her aluggin' that boy all the way, it's madness downright, that it is." "Why," says Brown, "she lives close by, so it aint nothing for her, but as to your a-goin', it's foolishness." "Well," I says, "I never see such a man as you are. When I don't know things, full of your ridicule; and when I wants to see them with my own eyes, always the one to hold back. But," I says, "go I do, thro' having promised Jane as I'd be there early to meet her at the Marble Arch, as the Edgware Road is a long distance." So I started with Brown, as see me into the Whitechapel Road, where the 'busses runs regular, and ketched the fust, as rattled that dreadful, thro' bein' empty, as seemed to jar my head to death. Not as I held with that conductor's remarks as hollared to the coachman when he helped in a party in widow's weeds as was certainly lusty, "Go on, Joe, here's more ballast," as is insults to a lady, as she certainly was, tho' she'd that hurried as I thought she never would get her breath again, and was obliged for to take her drops, as was in a little basket, as she said went agin her, tho' a great sufferer aperiently, as told me she was a-goin' to her daughter, as wouldn't be pacified till she got there, "Tho'," she says, "it's as much as my life's worth, thro' having done, as I seldom or never does, put my feet in hot water, with James' powders, as acts on the skin, a medicine as I don't hold with." So we were talking friendly, thro' her being one as was experienced, and like my own constitution, and known sorrers in having buried her good gentleman, as was in the white-lead line, a thing as is deleterious, and will lurk in the constitution, and brought on fits, thro' which he was took sudden; not as he was one for to regret, for she told as his habits was bad and temper violent, and she says to me, "Forgive and forget, tho," she says, "I shall carry that man's marks to me grave;" and was that pleasant company as I was sorry when she got out in Holborn, thro' her daughter a-living in Bloomsbury. I says, "Conductor," I says, a-hittin' him with my umbrella, "put me down at the Marble Arch, as is somewhere beyond Charing Cross." So he says, "Whatever do you mean by stoppin' the 'buss for that?" and bangs the door that violent as set the horses off, and if they didn't gallop like mad, and frightened the horses in another 'bus, as begun a-gallopin' too. A old gentleman in the 'bus hollared at him, and says, "Let me out, I'm not goin' to endanger my life." "Nor more aint I," says I. "Come out then," says the conductor. Where's your money? y?" I gives him a shillin', and if he didn't give me eightpence change in coppers, as I dropped in the middle of the road, where he left me a-standin', with cabs and 'busses all about a-shouting to me, as was stoopin' to pick up the money, as I only recovered three-halfpence, tho' I must say as many parties was very polite a-troubling themselves to look for it; not as I thought as kicking about the mud was a good plan, as all scuttled away pretty quick thro' a policeman a-comin' up as led me by the arm on the pavement. So I says, "Is this the Marble Arch?” No," says he, "the Pantheon; but," he says," it aint much further if you keeps on the shady side.” Bless the man! he's got nice ideas about far, he has, for it was nearly eleven when I got to the Marble Arch, where Jane was a-waitin' with her eldest, as isn't quite three, and the babby. She says, "Why, mother, how hot you look; you must want a something, mustn't she, Mrs. Woolley," as was with her, a woman as I can't a-bear, bein' one as is all fair to your face and knives and lancets behind your back. So she says, "Mrs. Brown, do take a something, as is only across the road, as is easy to get at, thro' lampposts put up for to protect you agin them 'busses as comes round you on all sides, let alone other public conveniences, as is bein' drove in ev'ry direction, and carriages by the million." If it hadn't been as I was that faint, thro' the day bein' that swelterin', I would not a-took nothin', for I know'd that Mrs. Woolley's deceitful ways, as it was one word for me and half a dozen for herself, as know'd her tricks, thro' having watched her narrow when nursin' of Jane, as never held with her ways with that child, and I'm sure could sleep thro' its screams, a-sayin' as it was temper, whereas I found the pin myself, as is a woman as would swear black is white, a-daring to say as it had dropped off of me on to the infant. I'm sure I was that terrified a-gettin' across that road and back that what I did take didn't seem to do me no good, and throwed me into that heat as I thought I never could have bore myself, tho' I had a musling gown with a barege shawl as was that flimsy as I didn't seem halfclothed, thro' it being what I calls a breezy day with dust in that park a-comin' up in clouds, and the sight of people as there wasn't no seeing thro'. Well, there was parties as had brought forms to stand on as would throw you over people's heads, tho' I was doubtful myself, for they was that rickety as I should not like to have trusted to; but one young man he was a-tryin' it on, and says to me, Here you, mum! why, it's strong enough for a elephant," and idjots as was standin' by grinned. So I walks on till we comes to a plank as was supported on barrels, as the party as owned it jumped on for to prove it strong, and his good lady says as they wasn't in that line, but only come out for to see it theirselves, as is a field day well worth the money, as was threepence each, and agreed to hold Sammy up. Just then come a nice old gentleman as was stout and cheerful, and says he'd try it, and up he gets, and advises me, as was hesitating, when them parties as it belonged to hoisted me up unawares. Certainly it was a grand sight to see them troops as moved like machines ajumping up and turning round, as is their manoeuvring ways. So the people says, "Here's the Duke." I says, "What Duke? Why," I says, "he's dead." "No," says the old gentleman as was standin' up by me. Well," I says, "I see his funeral, that's all I know, and remember hearing' of the battle well, as there was a deal o' talking about when I was a very young gal, where his leg was shot off thro' Shaw the Life-guardsman, as was massacreed by the Prussians a-comin' up in the moment of victory." He says a-laughin', "It's the Duke of Cambridge." I says, "Really. I've heard tell of Cambridge very often, but never heerd as it was a Duke. And if he didn't bust out laughing like mad. Well, the sun was a-beatin' down on my head, and I was lookin' at them soldiers, as must be dreadful in battle. I says, 'There aint no fear of their firin' on us unprovoked, I suppose;" for I've heard tell of such things, and spent balls aint | no joke, as has been death to thousands, for I never shall forget our Joe a-ketching me accidental between the shoulders with a ball as he was playin' rounders with, so can easy fancy what lead must be. Well, Jane she'd got down, so had Mrs. Woolley, thro' the infant bein' fractious, and just then the solders let fly all of a sudden simultanous with that banging and smoke in clouds as it gave me that sudden start as I throwed back my arms violent with a scream as made every one look round, and I ketches that poor old gentleman as was next me sudden in the pit of his stomach accidental with my elber as made him start back that forcible as upset the plank as we was a-standin' on, and away I went backwards, and should have been killed if the old gentleman, being under me, hadn't broke my fall, as didn't take it in good part, tho' whatever parties could see to laugh at I can't think. I says, "Don't stand there a-grinnin', but lend me a hand up some on you," as they did at last, tho' the old gentleman was most hurt, not as he fell far, and said it was my weight as had nearly stifled him, as brought on words thro' Mrs. Woolley a-remarkin' as she should think so, as is a reg'lar mask of skin and bones. So I. says, "It's luck as it wasn't you as fell on him, for you'd a cut him to bits like a iron hurdle." As I heard her with my own ears call me a "swelterin' porpus.' So I says, " Jane," I says, "if that female is a-goin' home with you, I knows myself too well for to put it in her power to insult me under my own daughter's roof." So I says, "I should prefer the omnibus, as will set me down within five minutes." So I says, "Let's part friends." So for all as she could say I would go, thro' her a-sayin' as she could shut her door agin that party as had walked in from Ealing, as I should not have wished, tho' in my opinion a low-lived woman, as I could tell through her conversations in that crowd as made a deal too free for me. As to them soldiers, it's all rubbish and waste of powder and ball, as will end bad some day thro' them firin' that promiscous at parties as is a-standin' armless, tho' Brown will have it as it was only powder as they fired, tho' I knows better, for I could hear the balls as must have knocked me over, and a mercy it was no wus. |