1 that's very true. Well, Grab, go di-flent gentleman. I say so to every body; rectly and inquire how Mrs. Trotman is. but you have your oddities and your G. How she is! What's the use of that, whims. Who would study your crinkums sir? She is very well-much better than and your crankums like me.? you; and she doesn't send to inquire after you? M. She was very ill last night. M. This is really carrying the joke too far; you are the G. Don't, sir-don't put yourself in a passion. Remember what the doctor said mind your head; don't begin scolding- G. Not a bit of it; I know-wasn't in the housekeeper's room? She quarreled with her husband, was out of sorts, and it does no good. then she told you she was ill. M. She is too clever and too candid to do any such thing, sir. M. Do you laugh at me, sirrah. G. No; but you will laugh at yourself in ten minutes. I don't want to quarrel; G. Oh! you think you know a great of course if you think you can do without deal about her. me, I can go, but then I dont't want to M. Know! why, sir, do you not know put you to any inconvenience. I am go. that she is my niece? ing to get my breakfast, and here comes G. I should think I did; you have told Mrs. Widgeon, a nice body in her way. me so a hundred times. I know all your She likes to show her pretty face in the relations a great deal better than you do. streets, sir: send her to your neice with M. Well, go and inquire sir. the message; I have a great many little G. I am going to get my breakfast, sir. odd jobs to do below. [Exit GRAB. M. Well, then, go afterwards. M. He shall go; I cannot bear this any G. Yes I will, if I have time. longer. I am resolvedM. Grab G. Sir M. I cannot bear this; you grow more impertinent every hour. Enter MRS. WIDGEON. M. To turn that insolent fellow, Grab, W. No, indeed, sir, you will not; you have said so not less than four times during the last week, but the moment your little passion is over, all his impudence is forgotten, and you decide to keep him. G. Ah, that's what you have been say-out of the house. ing every day for the last twelve years. M. This will end in a break up. G. Why, I'm sure I don't wish it. M. Upon my word you are very good! G. Better than you, as I think, sir, upon this point. M. What do you mean, sir? G. Why, I mean to say, sir, that you scold and grumble, and put me out of sorts yet for all that I don't want to desert you. M. Indeed! that I really do believe. G. And yet I've got money enough to live upon-property of my own, and if I did not choose to live upon that, I could better myself any day in the week. M. But Widgeon, he pities me-tells me that in his great kindness to me he does not want to turn me off; and that I don't know what to order in my own house, and that if it were not for him I should be absolutely lost and destroyed. W. I have no doubt he wishes you to think so; he tells us all down stairs that we are only to mind him, and he swaggers about, and, saving your presence, sir, M. Pray do, sir, if you think so; you curses and swears in a manner most abohave my free will. minable. M. He does-does he? G. And if I did so, what would become of you? You don't know what to order W. Yes, sir; and when you have orderin the house. I am the acting man; every ed your dinner, and I go about as busy as body knows me; they never see you. a bee to hurry the cook to get things up They know that my will is yours; they comfortable-not a bit of it, says he, till I therefore obey me, and so you get every- am ready. thing you want of the best. M. What, sir, do you want to make me believe? M. Oh! W. And then, sir, he scolds every body in the house except me; calls the cook G. I know at heart you are an excel-names that would make your hair, if you had any, stand on end like porcupines' Mrs. W. You may depend upon it, he quills, and goes the length of kicking the is very well pleased to live here; but in my groom-boy about like a foot-ball. mind, the worst servant in England would M. Oh, he is civil to you, then, Mrs. suit you better, and do your work better Widgeon? than he, and with less wages, too. M. I don't object to wages; I would give the same to any man if I could find Mrs. W. Wages, sir; his wages is, as say, nothing with him-that is n't the W. Too civil by half, sir. He is always offering me a present of one sort or the other, sir; thinks wine would be good such a one as Grab. for my health-tea and sugar always at my servive, all of which he keeps locked I up, although, sir, I ought to have them in way he makes his money sir. my cupboards, and many's the time, sir, when he has told you to go to bed without. eating, because suppers hurt you, he has ble what he pays for what you havepressed me to take part of a dish of pan- there, sir-that's the truth.. taloon cutlets, or a perdu o' shoes. M. What, after I have been in bed? W. Yes, sir, but believe me, sir, I never accepted his offers. I wanted none of his shoes, nor his perdoos, nor his pantaloons neither. Oh, sir, it does not become me to say it, but he is a bad man, sir. M. Why hav'nt you complained of him before? M. What do you mean Widgeon? M. Cheats me? What! this flower of honesty this paragon of affection. Mrs. W. All I know, sir, is, that the shop-keepers come with their bills; and make a great noise in the servants hall. M. Oh I suppose then they are read before they are passed. Mrs. W. They may be read and passed too, sir; but Grab does not pay half what he charges you. W. La, sir, we all of us knew it was of no use, you think so highly of him; and M. But I have receipts to all the bills. we were quite sure that if he knew we Mrs. W. That may be, sir; I say no had whispered a word against him, we more.-All I do say is, that the people should all have been bundled out of the who serve you serve him, and that you house, nolos bolus, whether we would or pay just twice what you ought. M. Eh, Widgeon, are you sure? I'll M. Why, then, Mrs. Widgeon, it seems send him off-if that can be proved, he that he has succeeded in making you think must ge; but then, Widgeon, where shall me a particularly foolish person. I ever find a servant like him? no. Mrs. W. No, sir; not foolish-kindgood-hearted; and, as he says, led by him Mrs. W. Lord bless your heart, sir, it is no such difficult matter. Why now sir, I-I'm sure I don't mean to say one M. Oh, led by him; you have settled it. single syllable about myself, or anybody I am not going to have all my excellent, belonging to me-but I have a brother, hard,working, civil servants, and espe- sir-a remarkably nice young man and cially you-he, Widgeon-you, too ill-so civil. If you saw him, you would treated by him. No he shall go; but then be surprised at the difference between the what upon earth shall I do? he is so ac- two. customed to my ways, knows all the peo- M. And has Grab ever seen him? ple I visit all the people I like, and all Mrs. W. Yes, sir-he has-and-I'm them I hate; knows who to let in and who sure, sir I am quite ashamed of what! to keep out; he is a capital servant, Jen- am going to say, sir-it makes me ready ny, when he pleases. to cry, sir-but-it is the truth, sir. Mr P Mrs. W. I dare say he is, sir; but then Grab, sir-I have told you before-ishe pleases to be so, so very seldom. at least so he says- know you'll ex M. That's true, Widgeon; and the cuse the truth-very-very fond of me proverb, or the poem, or whatever it is, sir. says "Those who live to please M. Ah well, I don't wonder at that, Widgeon; he he! and you' eh, very fond of him? Mrs. W. No, sir, no; but only just to show what he will do, and says he will good place somewhere, and where it is do to make me think better of him, sir-I'm sure you know I don't care. he has promised me to get Tom a place- Mrs. W. But now, Tom. do you put my brother Tommy, sir-through you. faith in what he says? Yes, sir, it is true; he says you must and T. Yes I do. I think he likes me; I'm shall provide for my Tommy. sure he likes you; and there is only one M. Why what have I to do with your condition he made with me if he got me Tommy, Mrs. Widgeon? a place. Mrs. W. Nothing in the world, sir- W. What is that, Tom? nothing upon the face of the earth, as the T. Why, to tell him every thing that doctor says: but so Grab says-and swears goes forward in the house where I may that you shall provide for him; and when happen to live-if it is a good one-be he is provided for, he says I can't refuse cause he is what they call-editor, I think him. of a fashionable periodical, whatever that is; and so I am to furnish him with the little I pick up for his paragraphs once a M. Refuse him what, Widgeon? Mrs. W. Marrying him sir. He thinks sir; because my dear husband died six week. months after our marriage that I have for- W. Psha! he'll never get you a place→→→ gotten him, sir (cries), Indeed, indeed not at least in a family where there's any have not: and I do believe, that when secrets worth knowing. they are carried off in the middle of their T. Do you know, my dear woman, first tenderness' one is less apt to forget am very much of your opinion? them than if they lived longer. W. Tommy, I think I have got a snug M. But does he say I am to provide thing for you, that would suit you to a for your Tommy? hair; but, if you get that, you must posiMrs. W. He does, sir; and says, if you tively give up your dear friend Grab. cannot provide for him yourself he will T Give him up--I wish nothing better force you to make one of your friends for both our sakes. I'm not blind, Titty provide for him, or else he'll be--I can't -eh, I wish he was at the bottom of the tell you what. Red Sea. M. Mrs. Widgeon, you are a sensible W. Well leave me to think of that; woman-I think I can confide in you. I but take this piece of advice, don't copy shall just go into my own room, and look Grab, get into whose service you may; over the accounts of my establishment, however, here he is, don't let us be seen which I have kept for many years, and if together. I find a difference Saying which. Mrs. Widgeon, a nice Mrs. W. Oh, sir, don't say that I have creature in her way, flirted out of the saidroom, leaving her brother Tom, or as M. Not a syllable, Mrs, Widgeon-do she familiarly called him, her Tommy, you think I would? He goes--if what to receive the impudent Grab, who it is you say is proved, he goesto be supposed had just finitshed his break Mrs. W. Unless sir-I beg your pardon fast. -your anger goes beforehand. Meek retires to his sanctum to compare "Oh!" cries the major domo," here you ure." the bills and look at the receipts, and, in T. Here I am. short, to justify himself in an attempt to G. So I perceive. Why did n't you get rid of his excellent servant Grab, and stay at the coffee shop at which I told you just at this period arrives Mrs. Widgeon's to meet me? Tommy. T. I did call there, but they said you "Oh!" cries Mrs. Widgeon, "Tommy was gone. are you hero?" Tom, I have called to see Mr. Grab. G. What of that? I am constant in my attendance there to take my coffee and Mrs. W. He is a very nice gentleman read the unstamped. You know someI don't think; what is your notion of him? thing of politics, Tommy? T. I know nothing of him; all he says T. Yes: I know I refused to go to Spain is that out of regard to you he'll get me a to be flogged and not paid. I was offered what they call the commandery of Charles you, and call you all sorts of names, at the something, whatever that is; to be a first but you'll do him at last, and abuse bullock-driver to the queen; but I found him just as much as he abused you in the out there were no bullocks to be driven; beginning. and so I said to myself, poor buffer as 1 T. Ah! but now I don't like that sort am, I won't take a fine riband and star of life. without having done summut to descrve G. Well, Tomuy all I can say is that if you behave in any way to permit your it. G. You were wise and foolish at one master as he calls himself to have any coup; wise not to go foolish not to take. sort of authority over you, you become a Never refuse any thing. However hav-slave-worse than the niggers were beng given up the military, you are now in fore we-I say we, because I have a civil service. You are a liberal? snug freehold of my own-gave their T. Uncommonly liberal. I have no- masters twenty millions of money, Tom, thing to lose, and every thing to get. to change their name and not their conG. That's it. Now your sister Wid-dition. We are not slaves Tommy-we geon is a very amiable, plump, sentimen- can't be; but, rely upon it nothing is so tal creechur--well made, as nature did bad for a servant as to keep changing it as the song says places; it is almost as ruinous as ratting in government-that I suppose you don't understand. "Jamal esprit" as the Dutch say, you may depend upon it you must stick, whether your masterthat as the man who pays you is constitutionally called-likes you or not. Stay inG. Don't you, upon your soul? You stop where you can. If you are chasseed shall be what we call provided for. I as the Spaniards say, from one house to cannot at present offer you even an asanother, you will end-excuse me for All without hurry, or bustle, or care." I have a regard for you, Tom. you shall be pose. T. Posy! Ah, I don't know what means, Mr. Grab. sistant-commissionership of poor laws, saying it--by being a footman to an old but if I had known it a little earlier, 1 think maid, and have to curl poodles and wash I might have settled you into five hun- Pugs. dred a year on the charity affair. T. Why you have great influence. T. Ah! you see you have so much the advantage of me. I don't know all these G. Yes; I do a little for the whigs Tom-little odd-come sorts of management. my. I told you, you must undertake to G. Tommy, my boy, I repeat the les pick up you understand? But you have son; begin by making your master your been in place before? T. Yes. G. You know your busines? T. Yes.. servant. T. That, Mr Grab, seems to be more easy to say than to do. G. Does it? Look at me! Meek the ex G. And I presume you know how to emplary person who calls himself my keep a place when you have got it; that is master, is my flunky, as the Persians have it. I hold up my finger-he obeys. the great secret after all. T. I hope so; by doing my dnty and-You just watch him; see how I carry on G. Duty be. I beg your pardor: the war. I would n't shock you by swearing; but it G. The whole establishment is at my is enough to make a bishop swear, to hear Follow that. T. Ah! 1 a man talk of duty in these days. Your feet, except perhaps, indeed, your sister duty, Tommy is to make your master do Jenny-the young whatever you wish him to do. widow-eh? She might have her share of rule. You have T. Yes; but then masters have a knack seen King William and Queen Mary on a shilling--eh? you understand? of kicking servants out. G. Out! Psha, Tommy, you are an T. Yes, but what is it to me what you ass! Never let the man who pays you your do here? You told me that you would wages be your master. He may abuse me a place. get G. Not I, Tommy; but that poor, dear G. Oh! that's quite a different affaircurds-and-whey gentleman, my master that's fancying an impossibility-the moon who lives in the full belief that if I left him of green cheese, or something of that sort. no other servant could ever discover Boo-I am, sir, as you know, your indispendle's club, to which he belongs, or ascer- sable. M. You fancy so. tain where his cousins live, who inhabit a house somewhere near Manchester square. G. I don't fancy, sir, because I know I keep up the delusion-poor, dear twad- that I am the oak by which the ivy lives; dle-I blind him and lead hin; and the however, never mind that, get me a place very first thing he does is—as I go-to get for Tommy. you a good place. T. Ah! but how can he do so?: M. I will if I can-I will think of it. G. How can he! I shall tell him he must. not used to-there's Sir Gregory Grindle He will perhaps say he can't, and you'll now you can do any thing with himsee the result. The patient is coming just remove his slavy-put in Tommy; or, stand inside that door; he is as blind as a there's that Doctor Snick-he perhaps may bat. I'll give you a practical lesson; and want a sort of a dandy fellow to look afat one coup secure you a situation, and ter his patients; I am sure you'll find somegive you instructions how to keep it when body who wants Tommy-in short you you have got it. must. At this period, Tommy, as we have gotten to call him, goes just outside the appointed door, which is open; and the all-who wants a servant. suffering Squire Meek walks into the room where he finds Grab lounging and whistling comme a l'ordinaire. M. By Jove, Grab, I do recollect a man -and a man whom I particularly esteem MEEK. Well, Grab, have you been with my message to my niece? G. No, I havn't had time. M. What have you had to do sir? G, I thought you would-umph-now you are reasonable- always reasonable, when you come to the scratch-he M. But he wants a prudent, steady, honest man, who will not presume upon kindness, nor take liberties upon forbearance-obedient in all things, and above G Anxiety has kept me occupied-all things civil. anxiety to get a situation for a young G. 1 like that-do you think I should friend. recommend a servant who had not all M. Well, sir, there is no such difficulty these qualities-I do not even know such in that, I should think, in London. fellows. G. Ah, that's your opinion. There M. I know one who has none of them, would be no great difficulty if you would assist him. M. Me! G. Yes; you, sir. Find him a master like yourself, and I never asked a favour of you before. Get him a place there, now. M. I don't know one single friend who wants a servant. G. Nor a married one? though. G. Who is that? G. Ah! there you go-now you are beginning again. M. Beginning, sir-I not only begin, but go on-and add to all I have implied, the words impertinent scoundrel, G. That's it-that's the way; but, sir, I will not bear it any longer-you and I M. Don't quibble, sir; I tell you I know had better part-you are tired of me, I nobody who wants a servant. see that plainly. I will go, sir-I have G. Well, but if you have the regard you always treated you well, and honestly, ought to have for me who have lived so but I must leave you-I will leave you. many years with you, you ought to make some one of your friends turn off his servant in order to get Tommy a place. M. Can I, as a gentleman, do such a thing? Suppose any body were to ask me to turn you away, to make room for a new comer? M. No, you shan't leave me, Grab. G. I must. |