THE

MODERN TIPPLING PHILOSOPHERS.

FATHER HODGE* had his pipe and his dram,
And at night, his cloy'd thirst to awaken,
He was served with a rasher of ham,

Which procured him the surname of Bacon.
He has shown, that, though logical science
And dry theory oft prove unhandy,
Honest Truth will ne'er set at defiance
Experiment, aided by brandy.

Des Cartes bore a musket, they tell us,
Ere he wish'd, or was able, to write,
And was noted among the brave fellows,
Who are bolder to tipple than fight.

Of his system the cause and design

We no more can be posed to explain :

The materia subtilis was wine

And the vortices whirl'd in his brain..

*Roger Bacon, the father of experimental philosophy. He flourished in the 13th century.

Old Hobbes, as his name plainly shows,

At a bob-nob was frequently tried: That all virtue from selfishness rose

He believed, and all laughter from pride.*

The truth of this creed he would brag on,
Smoke his pipe, murder Homer,† and quaff;
Then staring, as drunk as a dragon,

In the pride of his heart he would laugh.

Sir Isaac discovered, it seems,
The nature of colours and light,
In remarking the tremulous beams
That swom on his wandering sight.
Ever sapient, sober though seldom,
From experience attraction he found,
By observing, when no one upheld him,
That his wise head fell souse on the ground.

As to Berkeley's philosophy-he has

Left his poor pupils nought to inherit,

*See The Spectator, No. 47.

† Hobbes was a great smoker, and wrote what some have been pleased to call a Translation of Homer.

But a swarm of deceitful ideas

Kept, like other monsters, in spirit.*

Tar-drinkers can't think what's the matter,
That their health does not mend, but decline:
Why, they take but some wine to their water,
He took but some water to wine.

One Mandeville once, or Man-devil,
(Either name you may give as you please)
By a brain ever brooding on evil,
Hatch'd a monster call'd Fable of Bees.
Vice, said he, aggrandizes a people ;†
By this light let my conduct be view'd;
I swagger, swear, guzzle, and tipple:
And dye, 'tis all for your good.

DH ate a swinging great dinner,
And grew every day fatter and fatter;
And yet the huge hulk of a sinner

Said there was neither spirit nor matter.

*He taught that the external universe has no existence, but an ideal one, in the mind (or spirit) that perceives it: and he thought tar-water an universal remedy.

† Private vices public benefits.

Now there's no sober man in the nation,

Who such nonsense could write, speak, or think :

It follows, by fair demonstration,

That he philosophiz'd in his drink.

As a smuggler even P

could sin;

Who, in hopes the poor guager of frightening, While he filled the case-bottles with gin,

Swore he fill'd them with thunder and lightning.* In his cups, (when Locke's laid on the shelf)

Could he speak, he would frankly confess it t'ye, That, unable to manage himself,

He puts his whole trust in Necessity.

If the young in rash folly engage,
How closely continues the evil!
Old Franklin retains, as a sage,

The thirst he acquired when a devil.†
That charging drives fire from a phial,
It was natural for him to think,

After finding, from many a trial,

That drought may be kindled by drink..

* Electrical batteries.

+ Bred a printer. This was written long before Dr. Franklin's death.

A certain high priest could explain,*.

How the soul is but nerve at the most;
And how Milton had glands in his brain,
That secreted the Paradise Lost.

And sure, it is what they deserve,
Of such theories if I aver it,

They are not even dictates of nerve,
But mere muddy suggestions of claret.

Our Holland Philosophers say, Gin
Is the true philosophical drink,
As it made Doctor Hy imagine
That to shake is the same as to think.†
For, while drunkenness throbb'd in his brain,
The sturdy materialist chose (O fye!)
To believe its vibrations not pain,

But wisdom, and downright philosophy.

Ye sages, who shine in my verse,

On my labours with gratitude think,

* Dr. L. Bp. of C. is probably the person here alluded to. He was a zealous materialist.

↑ He resolved Perception and Thinking into vibrations, and (what he called) vibratiuncles of the brain.