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One Hundred Choice Selections, No. 10

"TEACHER WANTED."*-FRANK CROSBY, A. M.

CHARACTERS.

'SQUIRE MAGNUS, Examiner appointed by "The Board."

CAIUS CRISPIN, } Members of "The Board.”

DR. JUSTICE,

CHARLES RUGBY,

MATTHEW BUTTON,

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'SQUIRE MAGNUS. I am glad to see so many canderdates here to-day. It shows that you know how to appreciate the advantages of an edecation, which, we all know, is one of the greatest things in this world. For what is a man or a woman without edecation? I don't mean a college edecation--but some kind of a edecation-some kind of-of-of--of somethin' which helps him to git on in the world. I myself never went to school but six months; but for all that I may say that edecation is of the paramountest importance-and I say agin that I am glad to see that you all think so. You are here to try to git our school. Our Board has appinted me to examine *From "Excelsior Dialogues," by permission. All rights reserved.

you; and I want to tell you at the fust go-off that we intend to be pûtty partic❜lar. We have a good right to be. The pay is fust-rate,-thirty dollars a month and no school Saturday arternoons. Hands in this neighborhood are gittin' by the year only ten dollars a month and board. Of course we want our teacher to have book-larnin'. We can't git on without consid'rable of that. But he must have somethin' more to keep a good school. He must have good gumption; and we're a goin' to make up our minds by lookin' at you and a-hearin' on you and any way we can whether or no you come up to our mark. And if you do, we're a goin' to take the one that comes up the nearist and stands the stiddyist. Now you all understand how the land lays. I speak right out just how 'tis without any beatin' round the bush. I think that's the only man-fashion way of dealin' atwixt man and man. Some on you's got to be disappinted, in course, as there ain't no more than one school; but those of you who do very well and don't git the school, we'll testify to in our own hand-writin'—and it may help you to git some other school. Now jest write down on the paper afore you your names and ages-where you were born-how long you've teached-and where you've teached -whether you're married, and if you are, how large a family-and whether you're goin' to teach all your lives— and if you flog in school-and-that'll be enough. We want to know these facts, and have specimens of your hand-writin'. When you git through you may leave the papers where they are, and we'll perceed with the examernation. (Candidates engage in writing.)

[Enter Mr. Rugby.]

RUGBY. I hope I am not too late, gentlemen, to be considered an applicant for your school. I was unexpectedly detained by the condition of the roads.

DR. JUSTICE. Certainly not. Please take a seat.

'SQUIRE M. It ain't too late, young man; but I'll tell you open and above board, I don't believe there's a bit of use in your bein' examined. You see the Board don't altogether like the way you kep' the school in Egypt last season. You didn't use no books, did you, but jist taught right out of your head?

RUGBY. I certainly did instruct orally so far as I could; as I consider

'SQUIRE. Oh, we wont argufy that pint, if you please. The majority of this Board's (looking significantly at Dr. J.) mind's made up about that. If a master don't know enough to use a book, he don't know any too much-that's certain. And what are books made for, I should like to know, if they ain't to be used? Then, young man, over and above that, you didn't flog any at all. We (looking at Dr. J.) don't believe in coaxin' and moralizin' and sech. So, as a friend, young man, who wishes you well, I wouldn't, if I were you, be examined here to-day.

DR. J. 'Squire, you can speak for yourself, but not yet for the Board. Under our advertisement Mr. Rugby is entitled to a fair and impartial examination.

'SQUIRE. Let him take it, if he wants it-and much good may it do him. We'll see by'n by, Dr. Justice, whether I speak for the Board, or who does.

RUGBY. I thank you, Dr., for your kindness, but I will, under the circumstances, remain as a looker-on. (Seats himself.)

'SQUIRE. I see the canderdates have got done with their writin' the answers to them questions, so we'll now begin the examernation. Firstly, I shall ask you some questions about jography. The one who sets there (pointing to his extreme right) will answer fust, and the next the next, and so We can git on more harmoniously that way; and there's nothin' like system in any business, as I used to tell my scholars-for I've teached some too, I tell you (looking at Dr. J.)-but that's neither here nor there. What's your name (pointing as before)?

on.

BUTTON. Matthew Button, sir.

'SQUIRE. Mr. Button, what's the highest mountains in the earth?

BUTTON. The Himalaya.

'SQUIRE (taking up a well worn book). The what?

BUTTON. The Himalaya.

'SQUIRE. Do you mean the Himmerler? No-that wont do. Mr. Narr-the Board (looking at Dr. J.) knows your name-Mr. Narr, what do you say which is the highest?

NARR. The Andes.

'SQUIRE. That's right--well done, Mr. Narr.

FRINK. I agree, sir, with Mr. Button. I think all the authorities put the Himalayas down as the highest. 'SQUIRE. What may your name be, sir?

FRINK. Frink, sir, Francis Frink.

'SQUIRE. Well, Mr. Frink, old Malté Brown, sir, which I hold here in my hand, sir, and which was a good jography for us, sir, says the Andes, sir, and so I say, sir, and so I decide.

DR. J. Allow me to look at the geography, 'Squire.

'SQUIRE (handing). There 'tis, Dr.—you don't ketch me nappin' often-there 'tis (pointing).

DR. J. (reading the title-page and returning book.) I see this edition was printed in 1815.

'SQUIRE. What if it was? You don't suppose the Himmerlers have grown ahead of the Andes sence, do you? He -he-he! (laughs, in which Crispin and Narr and several spectators join.) Now the next to Mr. Narr-what's the name? DENT. William Dent, sir.

'SQUIRE. Mr. Dent, which is the longest river in the earth? DENT. The Mississippi.

'SQUIRE.

No-the next-what name?

BROWN. James Brown.

'SQUIRE. Mr. Brown, what's your answer?

BROWN. The same-the Mississippi.

'SQUIRE. Do you all say so? (All except Narr say “ Yes.”) What do you say, Mr. Narr?

NARR. I say the Amazon.

'SQUIRE. Right agin, Mr. Narr-right agin. Do you want to look agin, Doctor? (offering the book to Dr., with finger on the place-Dr. shakes his head.) Mebbe you spose the Misersip has stretched out some sence this book was writ. He-he -he! (laughter as before.) Next canderdate-what name? HIGH. Thomas High.

'SQUIRE. Mr. High, how many States is there among the United States?

HIGH. Thirty-seven.

'SQUIRE.

Give us the names of all of 'em.

Show us how

fast you can say 'em. (High repeats till he comes to West Vir

ginia.) Hold on a bit-hold on! You don't call that a State, do you? Why, 'taint no more a State than our town of Joppy is a State. Virginny--old Virginny-is the name.

HIGH. All of our latest geographies, sir, class it as a State, sir; and it has been recognized as a State by Congress and by the Supreme Court of the United States.

'SQUIRE (excitedly). Who cares if it has?. Who cares what Congress does, or the Supreme Court-that is, a part on it? I tell you, old Virginny don't recognize it-and that's enough for anybody. Don't bring in any of your blasted politics into school matters, Mr. High, that's the curse of teachin' and preachin'.

DR. J. How many States does your geography give, 'Squire?

'SQUIRE. That is a small question. Jest as if we couldn't make as many States as we please--we, the sovereign, independent people!

DR. J. Oh, I thought you didn't call West Virginia a State, although she was made such by the people and accepted by the people's representatives.

'SQUIRE. No more I don't, I say. "Taint a State more'n I am. But I shan't talk politics with you now-the Board (looking significantly at Dr. J.) are examinin' now. That's enough for jography. The Board can tell well enough by this time who knows most about that. Now we'll examine in 'rethmetic-and if any canderdate don't know a good deal about that, I can tell him it'll be a poor show for him. 'Rethmetic is the most importance to us next to the Bible and the Constertution. What's your name, sir (to the next in order)?

WATSON. Ralph Watson, sir.

'SQUIRE. HOW fur have you ciphered in 'rethmetic, Mr. Watson?

WATSON. I have used different text-books, sir; and believe that I understand the principles involved in all the processes contained in them.

'SQUIRE. That don't answer the question. How fur have you ciphered, sir?

WATSON (looking at the others significantly). I have been through the book, sir.

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