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It may be as well to give the beginner son
something Puns interrogatory are at times serviceable. You of a notion of the use he may make of the most meet a man carrying a hare : ask him if it is his ordinary words, for the purposes of quibbleism. own hare, or a wig?—there you stump him. Why For instance, in the way of observation :—The loss is Parliament street like a compendium? Because of a hat is always felt ;—if you don't like sugar, it goes to a bridge. Why is a man murdering his you may lump it ;—a glazier is a panes-taking man; mother in a garret a worthy person ? Because he --candles are burnt because wick-ed things always is above committing a crime. Instances of this come to light ;-a lady who takes you home from kind are innumerable; and if you want to render a party is kind in her carriage, and you say “nunc your question particularly pointed, you are, after est ridendum” when you step into it; if it happen asking it once or twice, to say “D'ye give it up?"to be a chariot, she is a charitable person :—birds' then favor your friends with the solution. nests and King-killing are synonymous, because Puns scientific are effective whenever a scientific they are high trees on; a Bill for building a bridge man or men are in company, because, in the first should be sanctioned by the Court of Arches as place, they invariably hate puns, especially those well as the House of Piers ;—when a man is dull, which are capable of being twisted into jokes which he goes to the sea-side to Brighton ;-a Cockney have no possible relation to the science of which lover, when sentimental, should live in Heigh Ho- the words to be joked upon are terms; and because, burn ;—the greatest fibber is the man most to re-lie in the next place, dear, laughing girls, who are upon ;-a dean expecting a bishopric looks for lawn; wise enough not to be sages, will love you for disa suicide kills pigs, and not himself;—a butcher is turbing the self-satisfaction of the philosophers, and a gross man, but a fig-seller is a grocer ;-Joshua raising a laugh or titter at their expense. never had a father or mother, because he was the Where there are three or four geologists of the sun of Nun ;-your grandmother and great-grand-party, if they talk of their scientific tours made mother were your aunt's sisters ;-a leg of mutton is to collect specimens, call the old ones ' ninnybetter than Heaven, because nothing is better than hammers," and the young ones
chips of the Heaven, and a leg of mutton is better than nothing. old block;" and then inform them that claret is the
Races are matters of course. An ass never can best specimen of quartz in the world. If you fall be a horse, although he may be a mayor ;-the in with a botanist who is holding forth, talk of the Venerable Bede was the mother of Pearl;—a baker quarrels of flowers as a sequel to the loves of the makes bread when he kneads it; a doctor cannot plants, and say they decide their differences with be a doctor all at once, because he comes to it by pistols. In short, sacrifice every thing to the pur. degrees ;-a man hanged at Newgate has taken a suit of punning, and, in the course of time, you will drop too much ;-the bridle day is that on which a acquire such a reputation for waggery, that the man leads a woman to the halter ; never mind the whole company will burst into an immoderate fit aspirate; punning's all fair, as the archbishop said of laughing if you only ask the servants for bread, in the dream.
or say “No” to the offer of a cutlet.
Shortly after the Peace of 1748, and shortly be- set his emissaries at work, in order to ascertain how fore bis own death, the Duke of Montague had no he could hit him hardest, and cure him of the Don ticed a man, whose air and dress were military-Quixote-like march, which he thought proper to for in those days, most wisely, did men wear the make up and down the park. costume of the profession to which they belonged His grace's jackal—and where is there a human -the latter having evidently suffered either during lion without one-wriggled and twisted himself the late campaign, or the still later period of tran- about, grinned, showed bis teeth, made himself quillity; walking in the Mall of St. James's Park, amiable, and at last, got an opportunity of boring apparently caring for nobody; in fact, seeing no- himself out a sort of talking acquaintance with the body; every body, however, seeing him, and as he gaunt hero of the Mall. It turned out that the unappeared remarkably depressed in spirits, generous- happy man had appropriated the small fortune he ly resolved rather to laugh at him than otherwise. had secured with his wife to the purchase of a com
Well—as the Duke of Montague was full of fun- mission in the army, and had behaved, as they say, and as nobody, at least of his day, ever equalled "uncommon well” upon several occasions. But him in practical trickeries; he resolved, having what was he among so many? And after all his seen this meagre-faced, melancholy animal crawling unnoticed—and probably unnoticeable—exertions about, to make him a subject for one of his jokes. in destroying his fellow-creatures for the good of As the big boy said of the little one at the board- society, there came a peace—and the unfortunate ing-school, “hit him again, Bill, he han't got no gentleman with the grizzly wig, tarnished lace, and friends!”—so the Duke said to himself, “now all somewhat thin-kneed inexpressibles, was consideramy wig-singeing, and nose-blacking exploits, will be bly the worse for the same; inasmuch as besides completely outdone by the rig (that was the the infliction of half-pay, he had, out of his pittance, favorite word in the year 1739) I shall run upon to support, or endeavor to support, a wife and two ibis unhappy devil with the tarnished lace." fine children, all living and thriving as well as they
When a joker wants to joke practically, it adds could at Chesterfield, in Derbyshire—the spire of very much to the point of the jest to select as a the church of which town, by some malconformavictim somebody upon whom the joke will have the tion of the lead wherewith it is covered, would most powerful possible effect, and, therefore, the make any man, tee-totaller, or not, who looked at Duke, who was resolved upon his jest, took care to it, think that he was not quite right in bis vision.
All these imbranglements conduced very much shortest notice. Whether the invited of the Duke to the pleasure which the Duke anticipated in play- availed himself of the opportunity of thus burnishing his trick upon his new victim-a trick which, ing up for the occasion, we know not; or whether be it observed, for the exceedingly high military he made a glorious effort at the renovation of his offices he held, the Duke was, perhaps, the man well-known wig, best calculated in the world to execute. The Duke
Which smart when fate was kind, had taken his measures to ascertain all the facts
Toupeed before and bagg'd behind, connected with the object of his joke, whose cogno
Now, spoil'd of all its jaunty pride, men in the Mall was Grizzlewig," and, being too
Hanys loose and lank on every side, good a soldier to think of springing a mine before history does not record; but what we do know is, the train was securely laid, it was not for some days that at about three o'clock-late hours for those after he had made up his mind to the frolic, that he days—our hero arrived at the Duke of Montague's, sent a confidential member of his household to in- and was ushered into his grace's presence, till which vite old Grizzlewig to dinner; but the mere sending moment, I believe, he never was fully satisfied of the invitation was nothing—the mad-brained Duke the reality of the invitation. could not obtain all the pleasure he desired from Nothing could equal the warmth and amenity of the surprise, which Grizzlewig must inevitably ex- the Duke's reception; short, it went beyond the hibit at the message, unless he himself witnessed ordinary courtesy and graciousness of a great man the effect; and therefore, this Master-general of the to a small one; but in a very few minutes, to poor Ordnance, this Knight of the Garter, and Grand Grizzlewig's astonishment, the Duke, leaving a Master of the Order of the Bath, who moreover much more aristocratic visitor, took him aside, and was Master of the Great Wardrobe, and a Member with an empressement which was extremely stag. of the College of Physicians, took the trouble to gering, said, watch his envoy, in order to behold the result of his •You will, I am sure, excuse me; but-I know mission.
it is rather an impertinent question—are you—forPoor Grizzlewig was seated, as was his wont after give me—are you conscious of having created a his walk, on one of the now exploded and comfort- sensation in the heart of any lady who has seen you less seats in the Mall, thinking more of being in the occasionally, and—” King's Bench than upon it, when the messenger of “Sir?” said the visitor. the Duke approached him. He addressed him, but Come, come, come," said the Duke, “don't dewas not noticed—he was prepared for insult, and ny it. No man is blind enough, or dull enough, the word Grizzlewig was all he expected to hear; not to know when and where he has planted his but, upon a gentle repetition of an appeal from his blow; you must remember." confidential man, the Duke, who was at a conveni- “Upon my word, sir," replied the guest, who beent distance, saw Grizzlewig start as from a slum- gan to think that his suspicions as to having been ber, the moment he understood the nature of the invited only to be laughed at were correct, “I invitation.
know of no such thing !” The poor gentleman looked astonished-stared “Well,” said the Duke, “then I must let you about-shook his head as if to rouse himself from into the secret. There is a lady—a married woman a nap, in which he had been favored with too sweet --I like to be frank—and with a family ; but she a dream. But, when awakened to a consciousness has—you'll say, as I might perhaps, there is no acof the real state of affairs, his spirits sunk as much counting for tastes-she has set her heart upon as on the first blush of the thing they had risen. meeting you. And I will at once tell you what “The Duke of Montague,” thought he, “is a joker may, perhaps, diminish your surprise at having re-I am selected to be his victim." Still, for a ceived an invitation from a stranger—your acceptpark-fed gentleman on half-pay, the opportunity of ing which, gives me the greatest pleasure—that it dining with a nobleman, so highly connected and was to gratify her wish, I sent to beg of you to with such power in the army, was not to be lost. come to me to-day.” “ Laughed at or not laughed at,” said poor Grizzle- “Sir," said the overwhelmed half-pay officer, “I wig, " I must go;" and although the Duke had, à am confident that your grace would do nothing la distance, seen the effect the invitation produced, either to wound my feelings, or degrade me in my all that he heard from his messenger was, that the own estimation. I, sir, have a wife and family, degentleman would be too proud and too happy to pendent on me, to whom I am devotedly attached; dine with his grace the next day, as invited. the thoughts which your grace's observations
Then came a difficulty with our poor friend as to would naturally inspire, never enter my mind; I his dress: in these times, that point is by no means have but one hope, one wish, in the world, and that distressing. The servants who wait upon a com- is centred in my family. I have—”. pany, nowadays, are generally better dressed than “Ay, ay,” interrupted the Duke, “I admire your the company themselves; and if rank and talent feelings. I respect your affection for your family ; are to give the tone, the higher one looks the but this introduction, this acquaintance, need not worse it is: we see our greatest men in rank wear. at all interfere with those, now we are in Loning clothes, which their “
” would not don.” condescend to, and talent in the most exalted de- “Yes, sir," said the half-pay captain, “I am-in gree, wrapped in rags, which till now have been hopes of getting employed-else—" appropriated to the scarecrows, whose “danglings” “Ah," said the Duke, “I never talk of business out of doors at night, have been more serviceable here; as for that, we must take some other time to to agriculture, than those of their present wearers discuss it. I merely speak of this affaire de caur, appear to have been to husbandry, within.
and you must let me have my way; if the lady is In those days, however, Monmouth-street, now exceedingly disagreeable, turn her off and break lost to society and history, afforded the temporary her heart; but I do assure you, upon my honor, means of shining in temporary splendor on the that her attachment to you is something so roman
tic, that I could not resist the opportunity of bring in its effect, by his placing the children one on ing you together.”
either side of him, and treating them with every “Sir," said the officer, “I-really—but—". kindness and attention. “I tell you nothing but truth,” said the Duke, “Come,” said
grace, “let us drink wine to"wait and see how much it will be for your advan- gether; let us be happy; take no thought of yestage.'
terday, my good sir, nor of to-morrow; suffice it to Dinner was announced: no lady appeared, but say, that here we are met, and may meet again." when the battants were thrown open, and the Duke, All these attempts to compose and assure his and our poor friend Grizzle wig, of the park, entered grace's visitors were unavailing, except as far as the the dining-room, judge the half-pay oflicer's sur- younger ones were concerned, who appeared exprise, when he beheld his own wife and his two ceedingly well satisfied to take “the goods the gods darling children.
provide;" and, without comprehending the extent
There," said his grace, “that is the lady who of the kindness with which they found themselves has the extraordinary prepossession in your favor, treated, naturally followed the advice which the and two younger ones, not much behind her in af- noble lord had offered to their parents. fection."
While dinner was in progress, the Duke got on It is impossible to describe the feelings of the with his guests tolerably well; but he anticipated
the awkwardness which must ensue after the serCome," said the Duke, “sit down, sit down, vants had left the room, and the party was left as and let us dine; you shall talk afterwards, and ex- it were to itself, although the presence of the two plain all this to each other, and whatever may be guests, gentlemen who were in the babit of partakwanting in the narrative, I hope to be able to fur- ing of his grace's hospitality, was purposely secured, nish."
in order to prevent the expression of surprise and Tho officer's wife, although prepared for what gratitude of the strangers, which, however much was to happen, and therefore not so completely excited and created by what had already passed, taken aback as her husband, could scarcely support were destined to receive a new stimulus by a sequel herself, while the two children, unfettered and un- to the frolic extant, as far as it had already gone. restrained by the laws of etiquette, ran to their as- Dinner was scarcely ended, and nothing like the tonished father, and clung round him, in all the possibility of inquiry or explanation had been perwarmth of youthful affection.
mitted to occur, when the Duke's attorney-his The course of the Duke's proceeding had been, homme d'affaires, the defender of his rights, and as soon as he had ascertained the merits and claims the champion of his wrongs—was announced: a of his guest, to trace out the residence of his lady nice, good, smug-looking “gent,” who was wel. and the children, and to send a trusty person down comed by the Duke, and placed next to the elder to her, for the purpose of bringing them up to town; daughter of poor dear Grizzlewig, who was, to all at the same time preventing the possibility of her appearance, still in a state, not exactly of somnamcommunicating the history to her husband. bulism, for he seemed riveted to his seat by aston
To describe the astonishment, the anxiety, the ishment, but of somnolency ; feeling and thinking, agitation, of poor dear Grizzlewig, when he found even up to the last moment, that all the passing himself all at once thus domesticated, as it were, in events were the mere fancies of a vision; being the house of one of the magnates of the land, would himself constantly hindered from saying any thing be impossible. The Duke had invited but two upon the subject, by the admirable tact of the friends to witness the scene. which was heightened Duke, who kept his retainers always ready to start
some new topic of conversation, so as to baffle any The unfortunate gentleman began to think that effort of the astonished half-pay officer to lead to the Duke was a most barbarous and unprincipled the point by which his whole mind was occupied. person, who could take such pains as he evidently
The joke, however, as we have just hinted, was had done, to put him and his family in a most unnot at its height; for after some preliminary obser- pleasant position. His wife, however, seemed betvations from the noble host, his grace, addressing ter contented with the course affairs were taking, himself to the attorney, inquired whether he had and made no effort to obey her lord and master's
brought it with him;" an inquiry which was very mandate for retreat. respectfully answered in the affirmative.
Read, sir, read," said the Duke to the attorney, Then,” said the Duke, "we had better send for who accordingly began in an audible voice, and pen and ink, and proceed to business without with good emphasis, to recite the contents and condelay.”
ditions of the deed which he held in his hand, and Whereupon, the half-pay officer gave his wife a which, in its recital, caused the most extraordinary family look, as much as to say, that he thought emotions on the part of the half-pay officer and his they ought to retire; but the dillidence of the lady wife that can be imagined, until, by the time it was prevented her taking any decisive step, and she concluded, they were both drowned in tears. The preferred risking the passive impropriety of staying husband, supporting his wife's head upon his palpiwhere she was, to the active measure of quitting tating breast, and the two children clinging round the room, ignorant as she was of the ways of the them, crying with all their hearts and souls without house, not only in the moral, but in the literal and knowing why, except that their fond parents had mechanical sense of the words, and wholly at a loss set them the example. whither she was to go if she ventured to move from By the deed, which they had just heard with such where she was.
surprise and emotion, the Duke settled upon the The Duke was too much a man of the world not worthy distressed persons before him, an annuity to see how extremely uncomfortable his guests which afforded them a competency; and so secured, were becoming, and how well his frolic was “ pro-as regarded survivorship, that the two children who gressing"—it pleased him mightily, and his pleasure were yet unconscious of their change of fortune, was considerably heightened, when the attorney, must eventually reap the benefit thus munificently going close to his chair, began in a low voice, re- bestowed on their father and mother. citing some part of the bond or deed, or whatever The scene which followed is one which cannot be it was, which his noble client was about to execute; described, and which was so embarrassing to the during which ceremony, his grace kept his eyes so noble donor, that he broke it up by announcing, constantly fixed upon his embarrassed visitors, as to himself, that coffee was ready; and in return for the make them exactly as he hoped and wished, per. acknowledgments and fervent expressions of gratifectly miserable.
tude on the part of the recipients, merely entreated “You had better read it out,” said the Duke; them to say nothing about it; declaring upon his “it is by no means a mark of good-breeding to honor, that if he could have found a more agreeawhisper before one's visitors—people always take ble or satisfactory way of employing either his time things to themselves; and as they are here—" or his money, he should not have played them such
“My Lord Duke," said the officer, in a perfect a trick. agony of confusion, “pray permit us to quit the We presume there scarcely exists a human being room-I am quite conscious of the intrusion, but so squeamish or fastidious as to find fault with a really—1—my love-let us retire,” added he to his practical joke, qualified and characterized as this wife.
was. Every man has a right to do good after his Stay where you are, my good sir,” said the own fancy; and if he can so contrive as to make Duke ; "you have often heard of my frolics—I like his benevolence to others produce amusement to a joke, and I mean to enjoy one to-day, and at himself, nobody surely ought to object to the moyour expense.”
ADVENTURE WITII THEODORE HOOK.
BY LORD WILLIAM LENOX.
Alas poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.-HAMLET, The recurrence to my mind of the tender musings consisting of poor Theodore Hook, the late Stephen of the melancholy prince, followed by the more Price, and another choice spirit, also departed, solemn reflection that my three agreeable compan- one whose talents and kindness of heart, evinced ions in the well-remembered adventure I am about both in public and private life, entitle him to more to relate are all now past that bourne which Hamlet than the brief, but honoring tribute, which I must speaks of, is almost sufficient to set me moralizing here content myself with paying to his character. at the very opening of my story. That, however, The worthy American, wrapped in a huge fur must not be: for gravity and dulness would convey coat, was comfortably ensconced in the corner of a but a poor tribute to the memory of the jovial trio small britschka, grumbling, however, not a little at whose company I enjoyed on the occasion referred the English climate,—“One day, sir, hot enough to to.
roast an ox; following mo at freezing point, As no cloud was on our spirits, so no cloud was sir." on the morning; it was a lovely one in the spring “Come along," said the friend last alluded to; of 183- We met, by appointment, to proceed to come along, King Stephen, or we shall be lateEpsom for the week; the remainder of the "we" | hate to be late!" Suiting the action to the word,
he took the remaining place in the ex-manager's “I have, most reverend. But where were you last britschka.
Sunday? I missed you at your accustomed haunt“Hook and I, then, will go together," I observed, lunch after chapel.” as my buggy drove up to the door.
Lame, lame-could not get there." “Of course; Hook and eye always go together," “ As usual,” said Hook. Why's the Dean like was the response of my companion, as he got into England ? D'ye give it up?-eh !-Because he exinto the vehicle.
pects every man to do his duty.” Thus commenced the sport; and off we went. Dinner was shortly after announced. The cloth To repeat all that was said during our drive would was removed, amidst a rapid shower of smart, causform a large edition of facetive; the celebrated tic, and witty sayings, droll stories, retort, and reabridgment of the statutes, in fifty volumes folio, partee; the wine circulated freely, the tide of good would be nothing to it; it was a regular running humor “knew no retiring ebb.” Plays and politics, fire. Pun, anecdote, song, improviso; jests, a cen- wine and women, debts and duels, were discussed tury old, disinterred, as good as new; venerable Joe / with an absence of all restraint; and then comMillers, revived and decked out in modern fashion- menced a call for a song. This was pretty soon able attire; jokes, manufactured on the spo of responded to by the accomplished Theodore, whose every conceivable variety and pattern, some bad talent in this respect is no secret to the world, alenough to take rank with the very best. So far though the world unfortunately possesses so little from recounting them, I despair of conveying an evidence of it beyond the assertions of the more idea of their profusion. The plainest of pedestrians, fortunate few who enjoyed his intimacy, and witor the commonest name over a shop door, was suf- nessed the astonishing case with which he composed ficient to start him off,
while he sung.
In this instance, he took for the “Ah !” said my companion, “ Hawes, Surgeon ;' subject of his song, the worthy manager of New that reminds me of two lines I made on a sawbone York and Drury Lane celebrity; and after preparof that name during the severe winter of 1814:- ing us by ringing the changes on bis name, he broke Perpetual freezings and perpetual thaws,
into a measure, and gave us the following, which, Though bad enough for hips, are good for lawes. however, I cannot pretend to say is strictly verbatim
et literatim : As we reached Vauxhall bridge, “I wonder if this bridge pays?" I remarked. “Go over it, and
THEODORE HOOK'S SONG. you'll be tolled,” replied the ever-ready punster. Come, fill your glasses up, while I sing a song of prices,
“So,” said he, addressing the gatekeeper, who And show 'men's market-value at the date of last advices; was hoarse, “You haven't recovered your voice For since 'tis pretty clear, you know, that ev'ry man has his No, sir," was the answer, “I've caught a
'Tis well to make inquiries before the terms are riz, Price. fresh cold.” “But why did you catch a fresh one ?" asked Hook ; “why didn't you have it cured ?" Some shabby rogues there are, that are knock'd down at a On we went, from subject to subject, and pun to
low price, pun. To show that the unmisgiving perpetrator of Some blockheads so superlative, they can't be sold at no pleasantries innumerable never flinched or threw a Some, treo of soul in youth, sell in middle life at half price, chance away, the sign of the “Three Ravens," at
And some go when they're old—why the devil don't you
laugh, Price? Sutton, as we passed it, suggested the reflection“That fellow must be raven mad!"
The world is but an Auction ;-if to day wo fetch a shy price, Immediately after, we discerned a party of labor. To-morrow turns the lot about, and shows us worth a bigh
price; ers employed in sinking a well.
" What are you
You want to know what Learning's worth-you ask mo about?” inquired Hook. “Boring for water,” re- what is Wit's price ! plied a gaping clod. “Water's a bore at any time, I answer, “ Push the claret here, whatever may be its price !" rejoined Hook; “besides, you're quite wrong-re- The shortest actors now contrive to get a rather long price, member the proverb, ‘Let well alone.'”
And singers too, although sometimes they're hardly worth a These must serve to convey a passing notion of song, Price; the spirit of my companion's commentary on every
With fiddlers, dancers, fresh from Franco, well liking a John
Bull price, object we encountered; and this spirit carried us Though some, when they get nothing, may be said to fetch gaily into the town of Epsom, which we found their full price. crowded to excess. Streams of many-colored life
Where'er you sell, whate'er you sell, when selling seek a were everywhere mingling and separating. High
become rouche and four, the light dennet, the heavy bus, the
the buyer, Price;
But gaudy van, the hack cab, and the tilted cart.
For then this truth should in your mind bo uppermost and
clear, Price, to describe this scene would be to go over old There are some things and persons that at nothing would be ground, as it has been pictured a thousand times;
dear, Price. and the reader, perhaps, will prefer returning with
Don't buy a politician, don't have him at a loan, Price; our party to the house we had engaged for the week.
Nor lawyers, when they tell you, you may take them at On arriving at the gate, we found seated on a your own price; rustic bench a certain individual, having a cigar in
Nor doctors, whe, if fashionable, always fetch an even price;
And clear of these, the “ de'il himsel" shall never fótch a his mouth, and by his side a glass of water, with
Stephen Price. (for this should not be altogether omitted) just a sufficient quantity of Glenlivet in it to destroy, as
Your sneaking, sour, insidious knaves—I hope you wont he said, the animalculæ it might contain. His Your Cantwells on the stage of life, don't buy 'em in at any
find many, Price, countenance brightened at our approach.
price; “Ha! Dean !" said Theodore.
Go, sell your brains, if brains you have, and sell 'em at a fair “Ha! Hookems!" responded the other; “have But give your hearts away, my boys—don't sell 'em at you brought the ginnums, and the mackerelums ?” whato'er price.