It may be as well to give the beginner something of a notion of the use he may make of the most ordinary words, for the purposes of quibbleism. For instance, in the way of observation:-The loss of a hat is always felt ;-if you don't like sugar, you may lump it;—a glazier is a panes-taking man; -candles are burnt because wick-ed things always come to light;-a lady who takes you home from a party is kind in her carriage, and you say "nunc est ridendum" when you step into it; if it happen to be a chariot, she is a charitable person :-birds'nests and King-killing are synonymous, because they are high trees on; a Bill for building a bridge should be sanctioned by the Court of Arches as well as the House of Piers; when a man is dull, he goes to the sea-side to Brighton;-a Cockney lover, when sentimental, should live in Heigh Hoburn; the greatest fibber is the man most to re-lie upon;-a dean expecting a bishopric looks for lawn; a suicide kills pigs, and not himself;-a butcher is a gross man, but a fig-seller is a grocer;-Joshua never had a father or mother, because he was the sun of Nun ;-your grandmother and great-grandmother were your aunt's sisters;-a leg of mutton is better than Heaven, because nothing is better than Heaven, and a leg of mutton is better than nothing. Races are matters of course. An ass never can be a horse, although he may be a mayor;-the Venerable Bede was the mother of Pearl;-a baker makes bread when he kneads it; a doctor cannot be a doctor all at once, because he comes to it by degrees;-a man hanged at Newgate has taken a drop too much ;-the bridle day is that on which a man leads a woman to the halter; never mind the aspirate; punning's all fair, as the archbishop said in the dream.

Puns interrogatory are at times serviceable. You meet a man carrying a hare: ask him if it is his own hare, or a wig?—there you stump him. Why is Parliament street like a compendium? Because it goes to a bridge. Why is a man murdering his mother in a garret a worthy person? Because he is above committing a crime. Instances of this kind are innumerable; and if you want to render your question particularly pointed, you are, after asking it once or twice, to say "D'ye give it up?"then favor your friends with the solution.

Puns scientific are effective whenever a scientific man or men are in company, because, in the first place, they invariably hate puns, especially those which are capable of being twisted into jokes which have no possible relation to the science of which the words to be joked upon are terms; and because, in the next place, dear, laughing girls, who are wise enough not to be sages, will love you for disturbing the self-satisfaction of the philosophers, and raising a laugh or titter at their expense.

Where there are three or four geologists of the party, if they talk of their scientific tours made to collect specimens, call the old ones "ninnyhammers," and the young ones 'chips of the old block;" and then inform them that claret is the best specimen of quartz in the world. If you fall in with a botanist who is holding forth, talk of the quarrels of flowers as a sequel to the loves of the plants, and say they decide their differences with pistols. In short, sacrifice every thing to the pursuit of punning, and, in the course of time, you will acquire such a reputation for waggery, that the whole company will burst into an immoderate fit of laughing if you only ask the servants for bread, or say "No" to the offer of a cutlet.

SHORTLY after the Peace of 1748, and shortly before his own death, the Duke of Montague had noticed a man, whose air and dress were militaryfor in those days, most wisely, did men wear the costume of the profession to which they belonged -the latter having evidently suffered either during the late campaign, or the still later period of tranquillity; walking in the Mall of St. James's Park, apparently caring for nobody; in fact, seeing nobody; every body, however, seeing him, and as he appeared remarkably depressed in spirits, generously resolved rather to laugh at him than otherwise.

Well-as the Duke of Montague was full of funand as nobody, at least of his day, ever equalled him in practical trickeries; he resolved, having seen this meagre-faced, melancholy animal crawling about, to make him a subject for one of his jokes. As the big boy said of the little one at the boarding-school, "hit him again, Bill, he han't got no friends!"-so the Duke said to himself, "now all my wig-singeing, and nose-blacking exploits, will be completely outdone by the rig (that was the favorite word in the year 1739) I shall run upon this unhappy devil with the tarnished lace."

When a joker wants to joke practically, it adds very much to the point of the jest to select as a victim somebody upon whom the joke will have the most powerful possible effect, and, therefore, the Duke, who was resolved upon his jest, took care to

set his emissaries at work, in order to ascertain how he could hit him hardest, and cure him of the Don Quixote-like march, which he thought proper to make up and down the park.

His grace's jackal-and where is there a human lion without one-wriggled and twisted himself about, grinned, showed his teeth, made himself amiable, and at last, got an opportunity of boring himself out a sort of talking acquaintance with the gaunt hero of the Mall. It turned out that the unhappy man had appropriated the small fortune he had secured with his wife to the purchase of a commission in the army, and had behaved, as they say, "uncommon well" upon several occasions. But what was he among so many? And after all his unnoticed-and probably unnoticeable-exertions in destroying his fellow-creatures for the good of society, there came a peace-and the unfortunate gentleman with the grizzly wig, tarnished lace, and somewhat thin-kneed inexpressibles, was considerably the worse for the same; inasmuch as besides the infliction of half-pay, he had, out of his pittance, to support, or endeavor to support, a wife and two fine children, all living and thriving as well as they could at Chesterfield, in Derbyshire-the spire of the church of which town, by some malconformation of the lead wherewith it is covered, would make any man, tee-totaller, or not, who looked at it, think that he was not quite right in his vision.

Sir," said the officer, "I-really-but-"

in its effect, by his placing the children one on either side of him, and treating them with every kindness and attention.

Dinner was announced: no lady appeared, but when the battants were thrown open, and the Duke, and our poor friend Grizzle wig, of the park, entered the dining-room, judge the half-pay officer's surprise, when he beheld his own wife and his two darling children.

Come," said his grace, "let us drink wine toterday, my good sir, nor of to-morrow; suffice it to say, that here we are met, and may meet again."

All these attempts to compose and assure his grace's visitors were unavailing, except as far as the younger ones were concerned, who appeared exceedingly well satisfied to take "the goods the gods provide;" and, without comprehending the extent

"There," said his grace, "that is the lady who has the extraordinary prepossession in your favor, and two younger ones, not much behind her in affection."

It is impossible to describe the feelings of the little party.

Come," said the Duke, "sit down, sit down, and let us dine; you shall talk afterwards, and explain all this to each other, and whatever may be wanting in the narrative, I hope to be able to furnish."

The officer's wife, although prepared for what was to happen, and therefore not so completely taken aback as her husband, could scarcely support herself, while the two children, unfettered and unrestrained by the laws of etiquette, ran to their astonished father, and clung round him, in all the warmth of youthful affection.

The course of the Duke's proceeding had been, as soon as he had ascertained the merits and claims of his guest, to trace out the residence of his lady and the children, and to send a trusty person down to her, for the purpose of bringing them up to town; at the same time preventing the possibility of her communicating the history to her husband.

To describe the astonishment, the anxiety, the agitation, of poor dear Grizzlewig, when he found himself all at once thus domesticated, as it were, in the house of one of the magnates of the land, would be impossible. The Duke had invited but two friends to witness the scene. which was heightened

of the kindness with which they found themselves treated, naturally followed the advice which the noble lord had offered to their parents.

While dinner was in progress, the Duke got on with his guests tolerably well; but he anticipated the awkwardness which must ensue after the servants had left the room, and the party was left as it were to itself, although the presence of the two guests, gentlemen who were in the habit of partaking of his grace's hospitality, was purposely secured, in order to prevent the expression of surprise and gratitude of the strangers, which, however much excited and created by what had already passed, were destined to receive a new stimulus by a sequel to the frolic extant, as far as it had already gone.

Dinner was scarcely ended, and nothing like the possibility of inquiry or explanation had been permitted to occur, when the Duke's attorney-his homme d'affaires, the defender of his rights, and the champion of his wrongs-was announced: a nice, good, smug-looking "gent," who was welcomed by the Duke, and placed next to the elder daughter of poor dear Grizzlewig, who was, to all appearance, still in a state, not exactly of somnambulism, for he seemed riveted to his seat by astonishment, but of somnolency; feeling and thinking, even up to the last moment, that all the passing events were the mere fancies of a vision; being himself constantly hindered from saying any thing upon the subject, by the admirable tact of the Duke, who kept his retainers always ready to start

some new topic of conversation, so as to bafffe any effort of the astonished half-pay officer to lead to the point by which his whole mind was occupied.

The joke, however, as we have just hinted, was not at its height; for after some preliminary observations from the noble host, his grace, addressing himself to the attorney, inquired whether he had "brought it with him;" an inquiry which was very respectfully answered in the affirmative.

"Then," said the Duke, "we had better send for pen and ink, and proceed to business without delay."

Whereupon, the half-pay officer gave his wife a family look, as much as to say, that he thought they ought to retire; but the diffidence of the lady prevented her taking any decisive step, and she preferred risking the passive impropriety of staying where she was, to the active measure of quitting the room, ignorant as she was of the ways of the house, not only in the moral, but in the literal and mechanical sense of the words, and wholly at a loss whither she was to go if she ventured to move from where she was.

The Duke was too much a man of the world not to see how extremely uncomfortable his guests were becoming, and how well his frolic was " progressing"-it pleased him mightily, and his pleasure was considerably heightened, when the attorney, going close to his chair, began in a low voice, reciting some part of the bond or deed, or whatever it was, which his noble client was about to execute; during which ceremony, his grace kept his eyes so constantly fixed upon his embarrassed visitors, as to make them exactly as he hoped and wished, perfectly miserable.

"You had better read it out," said the Duke; "it is by no means a mark of good-breeding to whisper before one's visitors-people always take things to themselves; and as they are here"

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My Lord Duke," said the officer, in a perfect agony of confusion, "pray permit us to quit the room-I am quite conscious of the intrusion, but really-I-my love-let us retire," added he to his

The unfortunate gentleman began to think that the Duke was a most barbarous and unprincipled person, who could take such pains as he evidently had done, to put him and his family in a most unpleasant position. His wife, however, seemed better contented with the course affairs were taking, and made no effort to obey her lord and master's mandate for retreat.

"Read, sir, read," said the Duke to the attorney, who accordingly began in an audible voice, and with good emphasis, to recite the contents and conditious of the deed which he held in his hand, and which, in its recital, caused the most extraordinary emotions on the part of the half-pay officer and his wife that can be imagined, until, by the time it was concluded, they were both drowned in tears. The husband, supporting his wife's head upon his palpitating breast, and the two children clinging round them, crying with all their hearts and souls without knowing why, except that their fond parents had set them the example.

By the deed, which they had just heard with such surprise and emotion, the Duke settled upon the worthy distressed persons before him, an annuity which afforded them a competency; and so secured, as regarded survivorship, that the two children who were yet unconscious of their change of fortune, must eventually reap the benefit thus munificently bestowed on their father and mother.

The scene which followed is one which cannot be described, and which was so embarrassing to the noble donor, that he broke it up by announcing, himself, that coffee was ready; and in return for the acknowledgments and fervent expressions of gratitude on the part of the recipients, merely entreated them to say nothing about it; declaring upon his honor, that if he could have found a more agreeable or satisfactory way of employing either his time or his money, he should not have played them such a trick.

We presume there scarcely exists a human being so squeamish or fastidious as to find fault with a practical joke, qualified and characterized as this was. Every man has a right to do good after his own fancy; and if he can so contrive as to make his benevolence to others produce amusement to himself, nobody surely ought to object to the mo dus operandi.

Price, and another choice spirit, also departed,one whose talents and kindness of heart, evinced both in public and private life, entitle him to more than the brief, but honoring tribute, which I must here content myself with paying to his character.

to.

The worthy American, wrapped in a huge fur coat, was comfortably ensconced in the corner of a small britschka, grumbling, however, not a little at the English climate,-" One day, sir, hot enough to roast an ox; following morning at freezing point, sir."

"Come along," said the friend last alluded to; come along, King Stephen, or we shall be latehate to be late!" Suiting the action to the word,

Thus commenced the sport; and off we went. To repeat all that was said during our drive would form a large edition of facetiæ; the celebrated abridgment of the statutes, in fifty volumes folio, would be nothing to it; it was a regular running fire. Pun, anecdote, song, improviso; jests, a century old, disinterred, as good as new; venerable Joe Millers, revived and decked out in modern fashionable attire; jokes, manufactured on the spot, of every conceivable variety and pattern, some bad enough to take rank with the very best. So far from recounting them, I despair of conveying an idea of their profusion. The plainest of pedestrians, or the commonest name over a shop door, was sufficient to start him off.

"Ah!" said my companion, "Hawes, Surgeon ;' that reminds me of two lines I made on a sawbone of that name during the severe winter of 1814:

Perpetual freezings and perpetual thaws,
Though bad enough for hips, are good for Hawes.

As we reached Vauxhall bridge, "I wonder if this bridge pays?" I remarked. "Go over it, and you'll be tolled," replied the ever-ready punster.

So," said he, addressing the gatekeeper, who was hoarse, "You haven't recovered your voice yet?" 'No, sir," was the answer, "I've caught a fresh cold." "" But why did you catch a fresh one?" asked Hook; why didn't you have it cured?”

On we went, from subject to subject, and pun to pun. To show that the unmisgiving perpetrator of pleasantries innumerable never flinched or threw a chance away, the sign of the "Three Ravens," at Sutton, as we passed it, suggested the reflection"That fellow must be raven mad!"

'Lame, lame-could not get there."

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"As usual," said Hook. 'Why's the Dean like England? D'ye give it up?-ch!-Because he expects every man to do his duty."

Dinner was shortly after announced. The cloth was removed, amidst a rapid shower of smart, caustic, and witty sayings, droll stories, retort, and repartee; the wine circulated freely, the tide of good humor "knew no retiring ebb." Plays and politics, wine and women, debts and duels, were discussed with an absence of all restraint; and then commenced a call for a song. This was pretty soon responded to by the accomplished Theodore, whose talent in this respect is no secret to the world, although the world unfortunately possesses so little evidence of it beyond the assertions of the more fortunate few who enjoyed his intimacy, and witnessed the astonishing ease with which he composed while he sung. In this instance, he took for the subject of his song, the worthy manager of New York and Drury Lane celebrity; and after preparing us by ringing the changes on his name, he broke into a measure, and gave us the following, which, however, I cannot pretend to say is strictly verbatim et literatim :

THEODORE HOOK'S SONG.

Come, fill your glasses up, while I sing a song of prices, And show men's market-value at the date of last advices; For since 'tis pretty clear, you know, that ev'ry man has his price, 'Tis well to make inquiries before the terms are riz, Price. Some shabby rogues there are, that are knock'd down at a low price, Some blockheads so superlative, they can't be sold at no price;

Some, free of soul in youth, sell in middle life at half price, And some go when they're old-why the devil don't you laugh, Price?

price;

These must serve to convey a passing notion of the spirit of my companion's commentary on every object we encountered; and this spirit carried us gaily into the town of Epsom, which we found crowded to excess. Streams of many-colored life were everywhere mingling and separating. High life and low life; the thorough-bred team, the barouche and four, the light dennet, the heavy bus, the gaudy van, the hack cab, and the tilted cart. But to describe this scene would be to go over old ground, as it has been pictured a thousand times; and the reader, perhaps, will prefer returning with our party to the house we had engaged for the week. On arriving at the gate, we found seated on a rustic bench a certain individual, having a cigar in his mouth, and by his side a glass of water, with (for this should not be altogether omitted) just a sufficient quantity of Glenlivet in it to destroy, as he said, the animalculæ it might contain. His countenance brightened at our approach.

"Ha! Dean!" said Theodore.

"Ha! Hookems!" responded the other; "have you brought the ginnums, and the mackerelums ?"

I answer, "Push the claret here, whatever may be its price!"
The shortest actors now contrive to get a rather long price,
And singers too, although sometimes they're hardly worth a
song, Price;
With fiddlers, dancers, fresh from France, well liking a John
Bull price,
Though some, when they get nothing, may be said to fetch
their full price.

Where'er you sell, whate'er you sell, when selling seek a
higher price;
But times are changed, I need not say, when you become
the buyer, Price;

For then this truth should in your mind be uppermost and clear, Price, There are some things and persons that at nothing would be dear, Price.

Don't buy a politician, don't have him at a loan, Price; Nor lawyers, when they tell you, you may take them at your own price;

Nor doctors, whe, if fashionable, always fetch an even price; And clear of these, the "de'il himsel" shall never fetch a

Stephen Price.

Your sneaking, sour, insidious knaves-I hope you wont find many, Price,

Your Cantwells on the stage of life, don't buy 'em in at any price;

Go, sell your brains, if brains you have, and sell 'em at a fair But give your hearts away, my boys-don't sell 'em at price, whate'er price.