"You are quite right, my friend; I certainly shall not see it.'

"(A knock at the door :) 'Come in. What is it?' 'Can you see Mr. Fatton?' 'What Mr. Fatton?' 'The master of the supernumeraries.' 'Send him in. Now Fatton, what is the matter? Make haste, for I am busy.' 'Sir, there's a strike with the children in the theatre.' So there ought to be, Mr. Fatton, if you did your duty properly, and kept a birch rod.' 'Yes, sir; but all their fathers and mothers come on me, and threaten to punch my head; now you know it is not my fault.' 'Well, what is this strike, as you call it ?' 'The girls who are to fly in the new ballet won't have the wires affixed to them, unless they are raised to eighteenpence a night: their mothers won't let them endanger their lives under that sum! Now, sir, we should be in a great scrape at night, if this were to happen; worse than they were in at the other house, with the boys in the storm.' 'What was that, Fatton?' 'Didn't you hear that, sir? Oh; there were sixty boys, who stood on the stage under a very large canvas, painted to represent the sea. Now these boys were placed alternately, and were to rise and fall, first gradually and then violently, to represent the motion of the waves in a storm; and in the first three nights of the piece it had a powerful effect; but, after that, the manager reduced the water-rate, that is to say, he lowered the salary of each wave to sixpence per night. The boys took their places under the canvas sea; and when the prompter gave the signal for the storm, the water was stagnant-instead of the ship striking, it was the waves that struck. The sub-manager, in a fury, inquired the cause; when the principal billow said, "We won't move a peg unless you pay us a shilling a night, for it wears out our corduroys 80." 'Gad, I think that must have been the deep, deep sea! Well, promise the girls the eighteenpence; but I will be even with them, I will keep them dangling in the sky-borders in a thorough draught all the night. Tell them so.'-(Exit Fatton.) "Take up newspaper; look to article under the head of 'THE DRAMA.' C Something agreeable, I dare say.'-(Reads.)

THEATRE-If we condescend to call the attention of the public to the management, or rather mismanagement of this theatre, it is only to express our utter contempt of the system at this period in operation. Does Mr. imagine that such miserable trash as that which was presented within these classic walls last night, can possibly attract an audience possessed of common sense? No; 'reform it altogether.' The plot of the new piece brought forward was so confused and inextricable, that we will not attempt to detail it to our readers: the whole affair was insufferably dull, and was deservedly condemned.

"Bravo!' (Rings bell.) 'Send the free-list clerk to me. I rather think that the critic who wrote this precious_paragraph was absent from the performance. Pray, did the **** card come in last night?' 'No sir.' 'Was Mr. **** here? You can tell by the signature on your book.' 'No, sir.' 'He is too good a judge to pay.' 'There was no one from that paper last night, sir.' 'I thought so; that will do.'

"This is a bitter notice: here is a better in the ****. Ay, ay, this will balance the last; and then the immense difference of the circulation of the journal-double-two to one.'-(Reads paragraph.)

THEATRE.-Another triumphant instance of deserved success was last night achieved by the management of this theatre; in fact, we do not remember electrified, with admiration of the gorgeous effects, at any period being more gratified, we may almost say which have never been surpassed even in this notoriously splendid establishment. The appointments were of the most picturesque order, and reflect the highest credit on the tact, industry, and stage knowledge of Mr. , who, it must be confessed, on these occasions is never at fault. The scenery, from the performers exerted themselves energetically and sucmagic pencil of was marvellously illusive: the cessfully, and there was a long continued call for the author at the fall of the curtain, who, however, had the good taste not to appear. This drama will undoubtedly, have a good run, and must attract large half-prices.

"What is this? A three-cornered, perfumed billet.' 'Yes, sir; and a Frenchman is waiting for

an answer to it.'

"What is the matter now? you look quite alarmed; what mare's nest have you turned up. Sit down; whatever it is, take it coolly, man.' 'Mrs. cannot sing to-night!'-'The devil she cannot, what ails her?' 'I don't know! there's an official note from her husband, and we shall have to change the performances.'

DEAR SIR-When Mrs. came home last night, she was attacked with spasms, and has been excessively unwell. She tells me, it will be impossible for her to perform this evening; so I give you timely notice that you may substitute something else. If you should require a medical certificate, our professional attendant shall forward you one. Yours ever, and very sorry for it, To Esq., Stage Manager,

Theatre.

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"But I see through it all; she does not like her part in the new piece; and this is the second night of it too; and I have laid out 1,000l. in getting it up; and because the tenor has the best part, she has put her monkey up. But I will not be so treated. She cocked up her nose at the music from the first rehearsal. "My compliments to Mr.- and

I do require a medical certificate." What is to be done? don't all speak at once.'

'Can Miss be ready in the part by night?" -'No, nor by this night three weeks.' 'Perhaps Miss might try it ?'—'Bless your heart, no; she

is over head and ears in love, and cannot get a word perfect. Never knows a line of any thing; she hardly remembers to come to the treasury for her salary, on Saturday morning.' 'It is rare to find such remissness.'-'What do you think of Mrs. getting through it, without the music?'-'I should as soon think of a water-butt getting through it.' 'Something must be done.'-'I am glad you have come to that conclusion.' 'Oh! here is the medical certificate, all ready cut and dried, I see; the old story [reads]:

I hereby certify that Mrs. vere hoarseness and oppression of the chest

"She thinks nothing of my chest! I don't wonder at her oppression of the chest. supped with the family after last night's performance, and he told me, she ate half a duck, a salad, some stewed oysters, and a slice of cake, and drank bottled porter, besides the punch!" [reads]

She is under extreme excitement; and I do not think it safe to advise that she should leave her house, to attend her professional duties, this evening.

(signed) J. W. TWADdle.

I cannot alter the performances; the box-book is better taken than usual. Be so kind, my dear as just to step up to their house, and see if she is really ill, or only shamming. Tell her she must come out to night: coax her, flatter her, any thing; tell her she looks too pretty to be an invalid! Say I am in a state bordering on mental derangement, and that the whole fate of the season depends on the run of the new piece! Stay, tell her the Queen is coming expressly to hear her sing, and a royal command must be obeyed. Run all the way.

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"But here is come back. Now, have you succeeded in persuading her to appear?' 'I had not-and yet I have.' How did you manage it, my good fellow?' 'Quite by accident. I went up to her bedside and used every entreaty. She certainly did look rather unwell.' So would any body, after swallowing such a supper.' 'She told me in a low voice, that if she was an angel from heaven, she could not sing to-night; that it was barbarous and unjust to require it; that it would endanger her very life; that her medical attendant had just quitted the room, and told her so; in short, and she spoke much louder, that she would not come out to save you and the whole theatre from destruction!' 'Then how did you persuade her?' 'You shall hear; just where the doctor had been sitting, I saw a small note on the floor, so I quietly picked it up, and to my infinite satisfaction found that it had

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To Mr. Twaddle, Apothecary. P. S.-Hoarseness and sore throat is the go. "Bravo, bravo! excellent.' 'So I thought I would just show the lady that I had this interesting letter of her husband, which I also told her I should and made me pledge my honor that I would not lead carry to you. She jumped up, like a parched pea, her into such a dilemma, and that she would endeavor to get out, even at the risk of her precious life, and crawl into a coach, supported by pillows, and come down and perform; but that there must be a line in the play-bill of the night, announcing to the public her severe indisposition; and that she must leave out all the music, and not to have to change her dress. In short, I promised every thing-and she will be here.' 'We must give her the line in the bills, for our own sake. Send to the printer.' "Where is the bed of roses on which I imagined I should recline?"

"But my dear fellow, are you not going home to your dinner?"-'Isn't this enough to take away all appetite for a dinner! besides, to-morrow is Saturday; and I must inspect and sign every one of these for payment.' 'What is that mass of papers?''Merely the weekly outlay, to be settled at the treasury to-morrow; only the salaries of the company— the band, the chorus, dancers, painters, propertymakers, wardrobes, dressers, housekeeper, cleaners, watchmen, firemen, carpenters, copyists, soldiers, supernumeraries, children, bill deliverers, lampmen, gas-lighters, printer, advertisements, candles, oil, hair-dressers, military band, licenses, ironmongery, turnery, basket-work, colors, music paper, stationery, tinman, florist, drapery, hosiery, timber, laceman, ropes, canvas, brushes, authors, and law expenses, box-keepers, money-takers, cheque-takers, candle-stickers, police, call-boy, and coal-porter, besides a portion of nondescripts which cannot possibly be imagined any where else than behind the curtain of a theatre!""

My mother was a pointer bitch, coal-black and comely; I never knew my male parent, but I have some notion that he followed the profession of a shepherd's cur; and his humble but enamored addresses were accepted by the pointress, seeing that she could not well avoid them, as she wore a handsome chain round her accurately proportioned neck, with the other end of which she was attached to her domicile, a neat cottage-formed residence, called a kennel.

I had four brothers and sisters of various dif ferent sizes, but I was the only one of my family that in the least resembled my mother; and I soon missed all my little round woolly misshapen companions, and never to any certainty ascertained their fate; only being a shrewd dog, I conjectured that the master of these puppies, having a decided detestation of hydrophobia, determined on accustoming these animals, early in life, to taking water, and in doing so, drowned them.

My mother being well fed, I was soon in a thriving condition, and grew apace: I have little further recollection of this happy period of my life, than that I was always hungry, that my mouth watered everlastingly, and that I had acquired a habit of gnawing every thing that came in my way, even to my mother's tail, who used by an angry growl to resent this unwarrantable liberty from a child to its parent.

My first disgrace was occasioned by my master's man of all work, Joe Banger, having left a pair of leather inexpressibles, which he had most charmingly clean-balled, until they were of a perfect batter-pudding color, on the steps in the stable; he had been employed on them for four hours at least, and master was going out next day with Mr. Conyers's hounds. These leathers looked so inviting, that I could not resist ascending the steps and dragging them down; when I lugged them into a dark corner of the stable, under a manger, and enjoyed myself by shaking them well, and biting a number of holes all over them.

I never had such fun in my life; but I do not think that either Joe Banger or master enjoyed the joke at all, for when the breeches were missed, there was a great outcry as to where they could have possibly vanished; so I looked up at Joe with a knowing and glistening eye, and barked as loud as I could, and wagged my tail, until I at last had the good fortune to attract his attention to the spot where I had so ingeniously nibbled the leather; whereupon Joe seized me by the ear, and with a whip gave me such a lashing and larupping, that to this very day I have not forgotten it. I winced: I shrieked I howled: even the horses turned their heads from their racks to see what was the matter. The noise I made brought our master into the yard, who, upon hearing the calamity that had befallen him, ordered Joe Banger to recommence the flogging. Oh! well did he deserve the name of Banger. My mother crept into her kennel, shaking with fear, but occasionally peeping out with some anxiety, whether for the terrible correction of her dear little doggy, or having some remote notion that she was going to be soundly chastised herself.

Then I was tied up by the throat, and not properly understanding the nature of the fastening, I nearly choked myself forty times in an hour.

This event gave me the character of an unlucky young dog and the next affair that happened proved that I was one; for, one morning early, when the poultry were wandering and picking about the yard, my tender mother made a sudden snatch at a fine old cock, and pulled his tail right out; the cock escaped with the loss of his semi-circular plumes, some of which most unluckily were blown across the yard to the corner where I was tied up; when, as usual, in my simplicity, I began to play with and nibble them, considering a feather a mere trifle; when Joe, coming down from the loft in which he slept, saw the cock looking like a monstrous fool without his tail, and he also beheld unlucky me in the act of gnawing a portion of it. Out came the fatal whip again, and Mr. Banker operated on me more lustily than he did before.

This was barely forgot, when my master, who was going to take a walk of some nine miles for the purpose of angling for chub, determined that I should accompany him, that he might see what I was made of. Never shall I forget my delight in having that horrible halter removed from my throat,

and being aware that I was about to have a run across the fields.

Notwithstanding the rebuffs and beatings I had endured, I followed my master with sincere pleasure; but being unused to go out with any one, it happened that he was always stumbling over me, treading on my paws, or kicking me out of the way. When we got into a field, I saw for the first time in my life a cow, with her calf. I own I was rather frightened at so large an animal as the cow appeared to me; but thinking that the calf was a mild looking little buffer, I went up to have some fun with it; when somehow or other, the cow got her horns under my ribs, and I soon felt myself flying in the air like a bird, only I came down at some distance, heavily on my back. I got up and shook myself. Turning round to have another look at the calf, I saw the cow coming at a canter again after me, flourishing her tail in all directions; so I prudently wriggled myself under a fence, out of her reach.

I perceived that my master admired my ingenuity, for he smiled. After a couple of hours' run, during which I caught a butterfly, and fell into a muddy ditch, we arrived at the stream where the angling was to be commenced, and my master with great patience unpacked his tackle; but nothing could induce me to keep at a sufficient distance from the water, but another flogging with the rod.

My master then baited his line with some oxbrains he had brought in a tinpot with him, and started off on his pastime, ever and anon favoring me with a menacing look, if I gave the slightest indication of following him.

A turn in the river took him out of sight, behind a plantation of osiers, when observing that he had left the pot of brains on the bank, and that the flies were beginning to buzz and hover over it, I went to drive them away, and unluckily smelt the bait; in two seconds, the whole of it was licked up and swallowed.

Presently, I saw my master returning: he had walked nine miles, there was no possibility of procuring more bait, he had no brains, and he had nine miles to go home again: his time and his sport lost; and all through me, accursed, unlucky puppy! He resolved to shoot me.

Sulkily, he put up his angling apparatus, and returned towards his domicile by a different route, for the purpose of procuring some bread and cheese and ale.

He accordingly entered a small inn, and called for what he wanted, and was served in a very dilatory manner by a red-haired, blowsy female, who seemed distressed by having too much to do.

I scented something in the house of exquisite savor, which proved to proceed from a dinner of the parish officers of Great Framingham, who had met to arrange their accounts and affairs, and to fix the day for the next feast, as well as to settle a very considerable diminution of the allowance of food and clothing to the paupers, in conjunction with a rise of the poor's rate, to meet the tavern bills. These worthy functionaries had dispatched a substantial repast, at which a turbot from Billingsgate had assisted; and were now taking their wine and punch, while deeply deploring the severity of the times.

I saw my master munching his bread and cheese moodily; he was too savage at my conduct to deign to throw me a crumb: so, finding that he was not

communicative, I took the earliest opportunity of wandering out of the room.

In the passage, on a wooden bench, stood a pile of about three dozen dirty plates, placed on each other, that certainly had been very incautiously deposited there; for on the bottom plate but two, was the picked drum-stick of a fowl, which put the whole quantity of crockery rather out of proper equilibrium.

I had not partaken of any thing since the brains. The leg of the fowl was extended from the plates most temptingly, and I made a snap at it, pulling it away-it was mine, but what was the consequence? down came the three dozen plates off the bench

CRUMP

smash on the tiled floor. I never heard such a clatter in my born days, so I involuntarily dropped my tail between my legs, and scampered off with the bone.

"Whose cursed dog is that?" bawled the redhaired waitress; "Drat the dog, whose is it?" no reply: "There's at least five and thirty shillings' worth of plates broken all to pieces."

At last, it occurred to the landlord to ask the gentleman who had the bread and cheese in the parlor, "if the dog was his'n?" My master, who had overheard the whole affair, thought it politic to disown me.

Oh! how I enjoyed that fowl's bone-how sweet was the marrow; but alas! how soon it all vanished; I wished that fowls had as many legs as spiders. But now I perceived my master trudging homewards, so I ran after him; as I passed the public house, the blowsy maid set up an outcry against me; a shower of stones quickly followed me, and a brute of a blacksmith threw his hammer at my carcase so dextrously, that the heavy blow knocked me over and over. I however contrived to hobble home after my master, on three legs.

My master was, I think, deciding upon my fate, whether I was to be hanged, shot, or to take a little Prussic acid; when a letter arrived from a friend who had taken a cottage in one of the numberless

colonies on the western outskirts of London, and who asked the assistance of my master to procure him a yard dog.

Thus was I reprieved; the size of my bony paws, and the width of my jaws, denoted, for I had not done growing, that I should be a large dog.

So the next morning I was to be tied under the wagon of the Hatfield Broadoak carrier, and thus to be conducted on my way to my new place. The journey to town under a wagon is extremely irksome; I wanted to run after the birds, but only knocked my nose against the revolving wheel; the road was very dusty, and I had the advantage of the scrapings of the heavy hoofs of four horses sent constantly into my eyes; if I paused for a moment to avoid it, I endured a pull at the neck, which I verily thought would take my head out by the roots. A flock of sheep met the wagon, which was then stopped by the driver, and I had to bear with the affrighted hustle of some hundred and fifty of these woolly creatures, when presently the drover's dog, who had the charge of them, sprung upon me, turned me over on my back, and bit me through the ancle.

At length, after a wearisome journey, I was untied from the cart at an inn in Bishopsgate street, and was not a little surprised at the appearance of the vast metropolis: here I found that I was to be received by my new master, who was a sharp looking little man, suffering from some nervous affection, for he winked his eyes, and gave a sniff with his nose, several times in a minute. He paid the driver for my carriage, such as it was, and humanely gave me a drink of water from a stable pail: he then led me out of the yard with the same chain and strap with which I had been decorated for my travels, and we proceeded together for a short time with mutual regard. Presently, I discovered that I was the stronger animal of the two. He looked at me, as much as to say, "You have the advantage of me," which I returned with a glance, "I intend to keep it;" and I shortly put this principle in action; for, passing a butcher's shop, I raised myself on my hinder legs, attracted by an agreeable scent; I snapped at a veal sweet-bread, and swallowed it almost whole. The butcher came out, and demanded the value of the article; and it was not until my master was threatened with the introduction to a "P No. 158," that he could be induced to pay eighteen pence for my slight repast.

After a fidgety walk, we at length arrived at the villa residence of the family, where I was introduced to the yard; and was almost immediately, through the kindness of the lady of the house, accommodated with some mutton-chop bones, and a lump of outside rind of bacon, full of black bristles.

"This is a place after my own heart," thought I; "it will be my own fault if I am not comfortable."

The name of my new, nervous master, was Pennyfeather: both he and his amiable spouse imagined by my appearance, and what I was likely to become, that they had been fortunate in popping on an eligible yard-dog; but nous verrons, as I once heard a French puppy say.

After I had been domiciled for a week, I was voted, not only by every member of the family, but by the neighboring inhabitants, as a thorough nuisance; for whether I fancied I was learning to sing, or whether it proceeded from habit, I howled long and dismally, daily, at daybreak. A gentleman next door, who had invalids in his house, called and

remonstrated, that for seven mornings his family had been deprived of sleep, and suggested that it would probably prevent my vocal efforts if I was let loose. Mr. Pennyfeather, who had been equally annoyed, was ready to adopt any plan to keep me quiet; he accordingly released me from my strap and chain, for which I was so grateful that I scratched his velvet waistcoat all to pieces, and tore his eye glass from his neck. He let me out at the gate into the road, where I amused myself for some time walking behind a policeman, who wondered what I wanted. I then saw three boys in paper caps, and clothes spotted with colors in distemper; they looked like merry fellows, so I thought I would go and have some fun with them, particularly as each of them carried a large slice of bread and butter for breakfast. I soon discovered that they were young artists belonging to a paper hanging manufactory; they invited me into their atélier, and while one of the boys tickled my palate with small pieces of bread, the other ingenious artists applied their stencil plates on each of my sides, and down my back, and produced, with their sized colors, a most elegant drawing-room pattern all over me; white ground, with roses, keeping me near the fire on which their distemper colors were warming. I soon dried into a picturesque appearance; then, painting my four legs a very light green, and covering my ears and tail with a coating of Dutch metal, they turned me out of the manufactory. I must say that I felt my skin sticky and rather tightly drawn, and the Dutch metal on my ears dazzled my eyes, but I resolved to make my way home. On my way, I discovered that I attracted considerable notice. A milkwoman with her pails, on seeing me, set off running as fast as she could; I thought it was to entice me to follow her, so I scampered after her. She was a little, superstitious, Welsh woman, and subsequently owned that she took me for one of the devil's imps; she loosened her yoke and pails as I approached her, and dropped them. As I always had a predilection for milk, I certainly did not neglect the opportunity of drinking to my heart's content, and overturning both tin cans. I then went quietly back to Mr. Pennyfeather's, and sat on the steps at the door until the family should arise.

One of Mr. Peter Pennyfeather's nervous peculiarities was an utter dislike to have anybody staring about his premises. I, thinking that it was growing late, reminded Mr. Pennyfeather of the time of day by uttering a prolonged yell; this brought the heads of the neighbors and their domestics out of windows and doors, and they all seemed wonderfully surprised at my appearance.

A crowd of work-people, going to their employment, and a number of gaping idlers, male and female, now stood round Mr. Pennyfeather's door, evidently delighted with the gay fancy pattern with which I was decorated; and, indeed, I looked as if I was attired in a rich Turkey carpet, but the gold ears and tail were the objects of general remark. Pennyfeather, hearing the buzzing conversation outside, to his horror, perceived that some novelty had collected a large number of spectator in front of his house. I became impatient, and standing on my hinder legs, with my fore paws on the door, I by accident touched the knocker with my snout, which gave rise to a double rap. This feat caused a prodigious roar of laughter from the mob.

The affair was soon buzzed about, and the dairyman who employed the Welsh milkmaid, called on

Mr. Pennyfeather for the sum of seven shillings and eight pence, for the milk I had overturned and destroyed.

Peter Pennyfeather called a cabinet council with his better half and family, and it was unanimously agreed that I was to be got rid of-then was debated the how, or when. It was thus decided. The butcher's boy knew another boy, who was accquainted with a man who was looking out for a yard-dog at Richmond. This was enough; at seven o'clock at night the butcher took a half crown in his pocket and me in a strap. I was delivered to the man, a costermonger, who immediately put-to a valuable five-and-twenty shilling horse to his cart, to the seat of which I was tied, and I had rather a jolting ride to Richmond.

Arriving at the gentleman's house, who was looking out for a yard-dog, there was some demur about taking me in, as it was imagined from my appearance, that I had the distemper-and I had it sure enough, although I was hearty and healthy.

Well, a bargain having been struck up, I was left by the costermonger, and fastened to a staple in the yard.

Now, I am a dog of steady principles, as all the foregoing facts must abundantly prove; and I did not cease to recollect the kindness of the Pennyfeather family, so I determined to make my way back again. I set to work diligently to gnaw the strap through, bolted over a dwarf wall, into the garden, jumped on a spring gun, which exploded without putting a shot in my locker, though it shattered about forty panes of glass in a newlyerected green-house; I scratched my way safely through a holly hedge, which took off a considerable portion of my paint and gilding, and I was soon again on the high road. As I passed the market gardeners' laborers going very early to their work, I observed that they invariably got out of my way, and seized the first large stone they could find.

I no sooner made my way back to Mr. Pennyfeather's door, than I thought it would be proper to announce my return by a long melodious howl.

The butcher's boy was immediately sent for, and catechised. He swore that he put the dog in safe custody on the preceding night, and promised in the evening to come and take me away again. The lad was indignant at having his honor suspected, but secretly made up his mind to sell me to somebody else.

At eight o'clock the butcher arrived, and putting on a stronger noose, he led me through the lanes to Kensington, at the moment quite undecided how he should dispose of me, when chance put in his way an advantageous offer. In the High street, he overheard a woman, an itinerant purveyor of dogs' and cats' meat, bewailing that somebody had enticed away the dog that had drawn her cart for three years, and that the loss was irreparable to her. She had, however, the harness and a muzzle with her, and the butcher taking the lady aside, he exhibited me, when, after much haggling, she agreed to purchase me for eighteen pence. In a trice, I was harnessed and muzzled. I felt a piece of cold rusty iron stretched across my tongue, and strongly fastened to my head-gear; this was attached to a strap bridle, and the lady wishing the butcher "good night," lugged me off in triumph.

I passed about three months in this miserable state of bondage, beaten and starved; for, upon the principle of the adage, “That the shoemaker's wife