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going to be mewed up in church on this the only 1 heated with the progress of his reflections, clasping day out of the seven I've got to sweeten myself in, his hands with involuntary energy, as he stretched and sniff fresh air? A precious joke that would be! them out to their fullest extent, to give effect to a Whew!-after all, I'd as leave sit here; for what's very hearty yawn, “ Lord, only think how it would the use of my going out ? Every body I see out is sound ! happy, excepting me, and the poor chaps that are like me!—Every body laughs when they see me, and
“Sir TITTLEBAT TitmousE, BARONET. know that I'm only a tallow-faced counter-jumper, “The very first place I'd go to after I'd got my for whom it's no use to go out !—Oh, Lord! what's title, and was rigged out in Stultze's tip-top, should the use of being good-looking, as some chaps say I be--our cursed shop, to buy a dozen or two pair of am?”—Here he instinctively passed his left hand white kid. What a futter there would be among through a profusion of sandy-colored hair, and cast the poor pale devils as were standing, just as ever, an eye towards the bit of fractured looking-glass behind the counters, at Dowlas, Tagrag and Co.'s, that hung against the wall, and which, by faithfully when my carriage drew up, and I stepped into the representing to him a by no means plain set of shop! Tagrag would come and attend to me himfeatures (despite the dismal hue of his hair) when self. No he wouldn't-pride wouldn't let him. I ever he chose to appeal to it, had afforded him more don't know, though ; what wouldn't he do to turn a enjoyment than any other object in the world for penny, and make two and ninepence into three and years. “Ah, Lord! many and many's the fine gal a penny. I shouldn't quite come Captain Stiff over I've done my best to attract the notice of, while I him ; but I should treat him with a kind of an air, was serving her in the shop,—that is, when I've too, as if-hem! how delightful!” A sigh and a seen her get out of a carriage! There has been pause. “Yes, I should often come to the shop. luck to many a chap like me, in the same line of Gad, it would be half the fun of my fortune! And speculation ; look at Tom Tarnish—how did he get they would envy me, to be sure! How one should Miss Twang, the rich piano-forte maker's daughter? enjoy it! I wouldn't think of marrying till—and —and now he's cut the shop, and lives at Hackney yet I won't say either; if I get among some of them like a regular gentleman! Ah! that was a stroke! out and outers—those first-rate articles—that lady, But somehow, it hasn't answered with me yet: the for instance, the other day in the Park—I should gals don't take! Lord, how I have set my eyes and like to see her cut me as she did, with ten thousand ogled them-all of them don't seem to dislike the a-year in my pocket! Why, she'd be running after thing—and sometimes they'll smile, in a sort of way me, or there's no truth in novels, which I'm sure that says I'm safe—but 'tis no use, not a bit of it !- there's often a great deal in. Oh, of course, I My eyes! cateh me, by the way, ever nodding again might marry whom I pleased. Who couldn't be to a lady on the Sunday, that had smiled when I got with ten thousand a-yearl” Another pause. stared at her while serving her in the shop--after "I should go abroad to Russia directly; for they wbat happened to me a month or two ago in the tell me there's a man lives there who could dye this Park ! Didn't I feel like damaged goods, just then! hair of mine any color I liked-egad! I'd come But, it's no matter, women are so different at differ- home as black as a crow, and hold up my head as ent times !-Very likely I mismanaged the thing - high as any of them! While I was about it, I'd By the way, what a precious puppy of a chap the have a touch at my eyebrows"--Crash went all his fellow was that came up to her at the time she castle-building at the sound of his tea-kettle, hissstepped out of her carriage to walk a bit! As for ing, whizzing, sputtering in the agonies of boiling good looks-cut me to ribbons”—another glance at over ; as if the intolerable heat of the fire had the glass—“no; I ain't afraid there, neither-but, driven desperate the poor creature placed upon it, heigh-ho! I suppose he was, as they say, born with who instinetively tried thus to extinguish the cause a golden spoon in his mouth, and never so many of its anguish. Having taken it off and placed it thousand a-year, to make up to him for never so few upon the bob, and placed on the fire a tiny fragbrains! Ile was uncommon well dressed though, I ment of fresh coal, he began to make preparations
What trowsers !—they stuck so natural for shaving, by pouring some of the hot water into to him, he might have been born in them. And an old tea-cup, which was presently to serve for the his waistcoat, and satin stock—what an air! And purpose of breakfast. Then he spread out a bit of yet, his figure was nothing very out of the way! crumpled whity-brown paper, that had folded up a Ilis gloves, as white as snow! I've no doubt he couple of segars which he had bought over-night for wears a pair of them a-day-my stars! that's three the Sunday's special enjoyment—and wbich, if he and sixpence a-day, for don't I know what they had supposed they had come from any place beyond cost?- Whew! if I had but the cash to carry on the four seas, I imagine him to have been slightly that sort of thing! And when he had seen her into mistaken. He placed this bit of paper on the little her carriage—the horse he got on !—and what a mantel-piece; drew his solitary, well-worn razor tip-top groom—that chap's wages, I'll answer for it, several times across the palm of his left hand; were equal to my salary!" Here was a long pause. dipped his brush, worn within the third of an inch “Now, just for the fun of the thing, only suppose to the stump, into the hot water; presently passed luck was to befall me. Say somebody was to leave it over as much of his face as he intended to sbave; me lots of cash-many thousands a-year, or some- then rubbed on the damp surface a bit of yellow thing in that line! My stars ! wouldi't I go it with soap—and in less than five minutes Mr. Titmouse the best of them!" Another long pause. Gad, I was a shaved man. But mark-don't suppose that really should hardly know how to begin to spend he had performed an extensive operation. One it!—I think, by the way, I'd buy a title to set off would have thought him anxious to get rid of as with—for what won't money buy? The thing's much as possible of his abominable sandy-colored often done—there was a great biscuit-maker in the hair-quite the contrary. city, the other day, made a baronet of, all for his Every hair of his spreading whiskers was sacred money—and why shouldn't I ?” He grew a little from the touch of steel; and a bushy crop of hair stretched underneath his chin, coming curled out | (to purchase which he had sold a serviceable silver on each side of it, above his stock, like two little watch) which had been carefully wrapped up in cothorns or tusks. An imperial—i. e., a dirt-colored ton wool; from which soft depository, also, he drew tuft of hair, permitted to grow perpendicularly down HIS RING (those must have been sharp eyes that the upper lip of puppies—and a pair of promising could tell, at a distance, and in a hurry, that it was mustachios, poor Mr. Titmouse had been compelled not diamond), which he placed on the stumpy little to sacrifice some time before, to the tyrannical finger of his red and thick right hand—and contemwhimsies of his vulgar employers, Messrs. Dowlas plated its sparkle with exquisite satisfaction. and Tagrag, who imagined them not to be exactly Having proceeded thus far with his toilet, he sat suitable appendages for counter-jumpers. So that down to his breakfast, spreading the shirt he had it will be seen that the space shaved over on this taken off upon his lap, to preserve his white trowoccasion was somewhat circumscribed. This opera- sers from spot or stain-his thoughts alternating tion over, he took out of his trunk an old dirty between his late waking vision and his purposes for looking pomatum-pot. A little of its contents, ex- the day. He had no butter, having used the last tracted on the tips of his two forefingers, he stroked on the preceding morning; so he was fain to put carefully into his eyebrows; then spreading some up with dry bread—and very dry and teeth-trying on the palms of his hands, he rubbed it vigorously it was, poor fellow—but his eye lit on his ring! into his stubborn hair and whiskers for some quar- Having swallowed two cups of his quasi-coffee, ter of an hour; and then combed and brushed his (eugh! such stuff!) he resumed his toilet, by drawhair into half a dozen different dispositions—so fas- ing out of his other trunk his blue surtout, with emtidious in that matter was Mr. Titmouse. Then he bossed silk buttons and velvet collar, and an outside dipped the end of a towel into a little water, and pocket in the left breast. Having smoothed down twisting it round his right fore-finger, passed it a few creases, he put it on. Then, before him the gently over his face, carefully avoiding his eye- little vulgar fraction of a glass, he stood twitching brows, and the hair at the top, sides, and bottom of about the collar, and sleeves, and front, so as to his face, which he then wiped with a dry corner of make them sit well; concluding with a careful elonthe towel; and no further did Mr. Tittlebat Tit- gation of the wristbands of his shirt, so as to show inouse think it necessary to carry his ablutions. their whiteness gracefully beyond the cuff of his Had he been able to “see himself as others saw coat-sleeve—and he succeeded in producing a sort hiin,” in respect of those neglected regions which of white boundary line between the blue of his coatlay somewhere behind and beneath his ears, he sleeve and the red of his hand. At that useful memmight not possibly have thought it superfluous to ber he could not help looking with a sigh, as he had irritate them with a little soap and water; but, after often done before—for it was not a handsome hand. all, he knew best; it might have given him cold; | It was broad and red, and the fingers were thick and besides, his hair was very thick and long be- and stumpy, and very coarse deep wrinkles at every hind, and might, perhaps, conceal any thing that joint. Ilis nails also were flat and shapeless; and was unsightly. Then Mr. Titmouse drew from un- he used to be continually gnawing them, till he had derneath the bed a bottle of Warren's “incompara- succeeded in getting them down to the quick—and ble blacking," and a couple of brushes, with great they were a sight to set a Christian's teeth on edge. labor and skill polishing his boots up to a wonder- Then he extracted from the first-mentioned trunk a ful point of brilliancy. Having washed his hands, white pocket-handkerchief-an exemplary one, that and replaced his blacking implements under the had gone through sour Sundays' show (not use, be bed, he devoted a few moments to boiling about it understood,) and yet was capable of exhibition three teaspoonfuls of coffee (as it was styled on the again. A pair of sky-colored kid gloves next made paper from which he took, and in which he had their appearance ; which, however, showed such bought it—whereas it was, in fact, chicory.) Then barefaced marks of former service as rendered inhe drew forth from his trunk a calico sbirt, with dispensable a ten minutes' rubbing with bread linen wristbands and collars, which had been worn crumbs. His Sunday hat, carefully covered with only twice since its last washing-i. c., on the pre- silver-paper, was next gently removed from its wellceding two Sundays—and put it on, taking great worn box-ah, how lightly and delicately did he care not to rumple a very showy front, containing pass his smoothing hand round its glossy surface ! three little rows of frills; in the middle one of Lastly, he took down a thin black cane, with a gilt which he stuck three “studs,” connected together head, and full brown tassel, from a peg behind the with two little gilt chains, looking exceedingly sty- door-and his toilet was complete. Laying down lish—especially coupled with a span-new satin stock, his cane for a moment, he passed his hands again which he next buckled round his neck. Having put through his hair, arranging it so as to fall nicely on on his bright boots (without, I am sorry to say, any each side beneath his hat, which he then placed stockings) he carefully insinuated his legs into a upon his head, with an elegant inclination towards pair of white trowsers, for the first time since their the left side. He was really not bad-looking, in last washing; and what with his short straps and spite of his sandy-colored hair. His forehead, to be high braces, they were so tight that you would have sure, was contracted, and his eyes of a very light feared their bursting, if he should have sat hastily. color, and a trifle too protuberant; but his mouth I am almost afraid that I shall hardly be believed, was rather well-formed, and being seldom closed, but it is a fact, that the next thing that he did was exhibited very beautiful teeth ; and his nose was of to attach a pair of spurs to his boots ;-but, to be that description which generally passes for a Roman sure, it was not impossible that he might intend to His countenance wore generally a smile, and ride during the day. Then he put on a queer kind was expressive of—self-satisfaction; and surely any of under-waistcoat, which in fact was only a roll-collar expression is better than none at all. As for the of rather faded pea-green silk, and designed to set off slightest trace of intellect in it, I should be misleada very fine flowered damson-colored silk waistcoat; ing the reader if I were to say any thing of the sort. over which he drew a massive mosaic gold chain He was about five feet five inches in height, and said ;
rather strongly set, with a little tendency to round | possessed of his magnificent rival's means and op. shoulders; but his limbs were pliant and his motions portunities for the perpetration of gentlemanly nimble.
frauds on a splendid scale. But we shall, perhaps, Here you have, then, Mr. Tittlebat Titmouse to see by and by. He walked along with leisurely the life--certainly no more than an average sample step; for baste and perspiration were vulgar, and of his kind. Well-he
he had the day before him. put his hat on, as I have
Observe the careless glance of self-satisfaction buttoned the low
with which he occasionally regarded his bright est two buttons of his
boots, with their martial appendage, giving out a surtout, and stuck his
faint tingling sound as he heavily trod the broad white pocket-handker
flags; his spotless trowsers, his tight surtout, and chief into the outside
the tip of white handkerchief peeping accidentally pocket in front, as al
out in front! A pleasant sight it was to behold ready mentioned, dis
him in a chance rencontre with some one genteel posing it so as to let a
enough to be recognized-as he stood, resting on little of it appear above
his left leg ; his left arm stuck upon his hip; his the edge of the pocket,
right leg easily bent outwards; his right hand with a sort of careful
lightly holding his ebon cane, with the gilt head of carelessness—a graceful
which he occasionally tapped his teeth ; and his contrast to the blue;
eyes, half-closed, scrutinizing the face and figure of drew on his gloves ;
each“ pretty gal” as she passed! This was indeed took his cane in his
happiness, as far as his forlorn condition could adhand; drained the last
mit of his enjoying it. He had no particular object sad remnant in his cof.
in view. A tiff over night with two of his shopfee-cup; and, the sun
mates had broken off a party which they had agreed shining in the full splen
the Sunday preceding in forming, to go to Greendor of a July noon, and
wich on the ensuing Sunday; and this little circumpromising a glorious
stance a little soured his temper, depressed as were day, forth sallied this
his spirits before. He resolved to-day to walk poor fellow, an Oxford
straight on, and dine somewhere a little way out of street Adonis, going
town, by way of passing the time till four o'clock, forth conquering and to
at which bour he intended to make his appearance conquer! Petty finery without, a pinched and in II yde Park, “to see the fashions," which was his stinted stomach within ; a case of Back versus Belly favorite Sunday occupation. (as the lawyers would say) the plaintiff winning in His condition was, indeed, forlorn in the extreme. a canter! Forth sallied, I say, Mr. Titmouse, down To say nothing of his prospects in life—what was the narrow, creaking, close staircase, which he had his present condition? A shopman, with £35 a-year, not quitted before he heard exclaimed from an op
out of which he had to find his clothing, washing, posite window, "My eyes, ain't that a swell!” lie lodging, and all other incidental expenses-his felt how true the observation was, and that at that board being found him by his employers. He was moment he was somewhat out of his element; so be five weeks in arrear to his landlady—a corpulent hurried on, and soon reached the great broad street, old termagant, whom nothing could have induced apostrophized by the celebrated Opium-Eater, with him to risk offending, but his overmastering lore of bitter feeling, as—“Oxford street !-stony-hearted finery; for I grieve to say, that this deficiency had step-mother !—Thou that listenest to the sighs of been occasioned by his purchase of the ring he then orphans, and drinkest the tears of children.” Here, wore with so much pride. How he had contrived though his spirits were not just then very buoyant, to pacify her—lie upon lie as he must hare had rethe poor dandy breathed more freely than when he course to—I know not. He was in debt, too, to his was passing through the nasty crowded court poor washerwoman in six or seven shillings for (Closet Court) which he had just quitted. He nearly a quarter's washing; and owed five times passed and met hundreds who, like himself, seemed that amount to a little old tailor, who, with huge released for a precious day's interval from intense spectacles on his nose, turned up to him, out of a toil and miserable continement during the week; little cupboard which he occupied in Closet Court, but there were not many of them who had any pre- and wbich Titmouse had to pass whenever he went tensions to vie with him in elegance of appearance- to or from his lodgings, a lean, sallow, wrinkled and that was a luxury! Who could do justice to face, imploring him to “settle his small account." the air with which he strutted along ? Ile felt as All the cash in hand which he had to meet continhappy, poor soul, in his little ostentation, as his Co- gencies between that day and quarter-day, which rinthian rival in tip-top turnout, after twice as long, was six weeks off, was about twenty-six shillings, of and as anxious, and fifty times as expensive prepara- which he had taken one for the present day's extions for effective public display ! Nay, my poor penses ! swell was greatly the superior of such a one as I Revolving these somewhat disheartening matters have alluded to. Titmouse did, to a great degree, in his mind, he passed easily and leisurely along the bedizen his back at the expense of his belly; where whole length of Oxford street. No one could have as, the Corinthian exquisite, too often taking advan- judged from his dressy appearance, the constant tage of station and influence, recklessly both sati- smirk on his face, and his confident air, how very ates his appetite within, and decorates his person miserable that poor dandy was; but three-fourths without, at the expense of innumerable heart-aching of his misery were occasioned by the impossibility creditors. I do not mean, however, to claim any he felt of his ever being able to indulge in his proreal merit for Titmouse on this score, because I am pensities for finery and display. Nothing better not sure how he would act if he were to become had he to occupy his few thoughts. He had had was yet early, and considering that the farthest he went from town the better prospect there was of his being able, with a little sacrifice of appearances, to get a dinner consistent with the means he carried about with him, viz., one shilling, he pursued his way a mile or two beyond Bayswater, and, sure enough, came at length upon a nice little publichouse on the roadside, called the Squaretoes Arms. Very tired, and quite smothered with dust, he first sat down in a small back room to rest himself; and took the opportunity to call for a clothes-brush and shoe-brush, to relieve his clothes and boots from the heavy dust upon them. Having thus attended to his outer man, as far as circunıstances would perniit, he bethought himself of bis inner man, whose cravings he satisfied with a pretty substantial mutton-pie and a pint of porter. This fare, together with a penny to the little girl who waited on him, cost him tenpence; and having somewhat refreshed himself, he began to think of returning to town. Having lit one of his two segars, he sallied forth, pufling along with an air of quiet enjoyment. Dinner, however humble, seldom fails, especially when accompanied by a fair draught of good porter, in some considerable degree to tranquillize the animal spirits; and that soothing effect began soon to be experienced by Mr. Titmouse. The sedative cause
he erroneously attributed to the segar he was only a plain mercantile education, as it is called, smoking; whereas in fact the only tobacco he had i. e., reading, writing, and arithmetic : beyond a imbibed was from the porter. But, however that very moderate acquaintance with these, he knew might be, he certainly returned towards town in a nothing whatever; not having read more than a few far calmer and even more cheerful humor than that novels, and plays, and sporting newspapers.
in which he had quitted it an hour or two before. On he walked towards Bayswater; and finding it
THE FIRST-FLOOR LODGER.
are two lodged together.-SIAKSPERE. It so happens that, throughout my life, I have | sirable circle”—" Airy situation”—“Limited numhad occasion only for half a house, and, from mo- ber of guests”
Every attention”-and tives of economy, have been unwilling to pay rent children." for a whole one; but—there can be on earth, I find, Next, was the commanding—at the very “head no resting-place for him who is so unhappy as to and front” of the Morning Post. “Vicinity of the want only " half a house.” In the course of the fashionable Squares !”—“Two persons, to increase last eight years, I have occupied one hundred and society”—“Family of condition"--and “Terms at forty-three different lodgings, running the gauntlet Mr. Sams's, the bookseller's.” twice through all London and Westminster, and, Then came the irresistible. " Widow of an offioftener than I can remember, the “out-parishes” cer of rank”—“Unprotected carly in life”-“Dethrough! As “two removes" are as bad as a fire, sirous to extend family circle”—“Flatters hersell," it follows that I have gone seventy-one
mes and a Moonshine all together! “Desirable circle" half through the horrors of conflagration! And, in -a bank clerk and five daughters who wanted husevery place where I have lived, it has been ny fate bands. Brandy and water after supper, and booby to be domiciled with a monster! But my voice from Devonshire snapt up before my eyes. Little shall be heard, as a voice upon the house-top, cry- boy, too, in the family, that belonged to a sister ing out until I find relief. I have been ten days al- who “had died.” I hate scandal ; but I never could ready in the abode from which I now write, so I find out where that sister had been buried. cannot, in reason, look to stay more than three or “Fashionable Square”—The fire, to the fryingfour more.
I hear people talk of “the grave" as a pan! The worst item—(on consideration)—in all lodging (at worst) that a man is “sure of;" but, if my experience. Dishes without meat, and beds there be one resurrection-man alive when I die, as without blankets.. “Terms,” “two hundred guineas sure as quarter-day, I shall be taken up again. a-year,” and surcharges for night-candle. And, as
The first trial I endured when I came to London, for dinner! as I am a Yorkshireman, I never knew was making the tour of all the boarding houses- what it meant while I was in Manchester Square ! being deluded, I believe, seriatim, by every pre- I have had two step-mothers, Mr. Editor, and I scriptive form of “advertisement.”'
was six months at a preparatory school, but I never First, I was lured by the pretence modest—this saw a woman since I was born cut meat like Lady appeared in The Times all the year round. “De- | Catharine Skinflint ! There was a transparency about her slice which (after a good luncheon) one fore I would choose again, I was the sworn horror could pause and look at. She would cover you a of every auctioneer and house-agent (so called) in whole plate with fillet of veal and ham, and not in- London. I refused twenty offers, at least, because crease the weight of it half an ounce.
they had the appearance of being “great bargains.” And then the Misses Skinflints—for knowledge of Eschewed all houses as though they had the plague, anatomy—their cutting up a fowl!—In the puniest in which I found that “single gentlemen were prehalf-starved chicken that ever broke the heart of a ferred." Was threatened with three actions for brood-hen to look at, they would find you side-bone, defamation, for questioning the solvency of persor.s pinion, drum-stick, liver, gizzard, rump and merry- in business. And, at length, was so lucky as to hit thought! and, even beyond this critical acquaint- upon a really desirable mansion! The “family." ance with all admitted—and apocryphal-divisions perfectly respectable ; but had “more room” than and distinctions, I have caught the eldest of them
was necessary for them. Demanded the “stricte:t actually inventing new joints, that, even in specula- references,” and accepted no inmate for “less than tion, never before existed!
a year.” Into this most unexceptionable abode I I understand the meaning now of the Persian conveyed myself and my property. Sure I should salutation—"May your shadow never be less !" I stay for ever, and doubted whether I ought not to lost mine entirely in about a fortnight that I staid secure it at once for ten years instead of one. And at Lady Skinflint's.
before I had been settled in the house three quarTwo more hosts took me "at livery” (besides the ters of an hour, I found that the chimneys-every “widow" of the “officer of rank”)—an apothecary, one of them! smoked, from the top to the bottom! who made patients of his boarders, and an attorney, There was guilt, reader, in the landlord's eye, the who looked for clients among them. I got away moment the first puff drore me out of my drawinsfrom the medical gentleman rather hastily, for I room. He made an effort to say something lil.c found that the pastry-cook who served the house damp day;" but the “amen" stuck in his throat. was his brother; and the lawyer was so pressing He could not say “amen,” when I did cry “God about “discounts,” and “investments of property," bless us !” The whole building, from the kitchen that I never ventured to sign my name, even to a to the garret, was infected with the malady. I had washing-bill, during the few days I was in his house; noticed the dark complexions of the family, and on quitting the which, I took courage, and, resolv- had concluded they were from the West Indies, — ing to become my own provider, hired a “First they were smoke-dried :floor,” accordingly (“ unfurnished") in the neighborhood of Bloomsbury Square.
Blow high, blow low!
I suffered six weeks under excuses, knowing them Mutatio loci, non ingenii.
to be humbug all the while. For a whole month it The premier coup of my career amounted to an was "the wind;" but I saw “the wind” veer twice escape. I ordered a carte blanche outfit from an all round the compass, and found, blow which way upholsterer of Piccadilly, determined to have my it woulu, it still blew down my chimney! "apartments" unexceptionable before I entered Then we came to “cures.” First, there were althem; and discovered, after a hundred pounds laid terations at the top-new chimney-pots, cowls, out in painting, decorating, and curtain-fitting, that hovels—and all making the thing worse. the “ground landlord” had certain claims which tried at the bottom-grates reset, and flues conwould be liquidated when my property “ went in." tracted—still to no purpose. Then we came to
This miscarriage made me so cautious, that be- | burning charcoal ; and in four days I was in a de