exact distribution of labor, evinced by its busy are so apt to indulge. He locked the butler in
inhabitants. Indeed, the House of Industry much his pantry-sent off the footman, when most in
more resembled a wasp's nest, where the peevish request, on frivolous errands-plugged the pipes of
swarm were all restless and irritated by some keys—fastened chairs together-set tables topsy-
recent disturbance. Every body was out of turvy-shut the cat in the china-closet-fastened
humor. Mrs. Twigg scolded and wept by turns, the house-dog to the gate-bell-and then was dis-
and threatened to faint, but had not time to spare covered ranting as Belvidera, with his clumsy per-
for fits; and the cook fumed and broiled at her son thrust into a new dress that had just been sent
mistress's culinary interference. The coachman home for his sister. 'Tilda screamed and scolded,
sulkily helped in the kitchen, to whip cream instead the mother begged and prayed—but the mischie-
of horses. The butler quarrelled with the footman; vous spirit of this domestic Caliban was not properly
and the housemaids among themselves. The gar- quelled till Twigg senior had ten times turned him
dener growled and grumbled while he transported out of the business, twenty times cut him off with
his hothouse plants into the open air, cropped all a shilling, and, at last, given him a sound cuffing
his choicest buds and blossoms to make bouquets with his own fatherly hands.
and fill baskets, nor did it

It seemed impossible that make him amends for his

the festive preparation could real flowers, to see artificial

be completed by the given ones in wreaths and fes

day; but the time came, toons decorating his favor

and everything was in ite old statues," so that

order. As the cub had preMercury looked as if he was

dicted, the governor had going to dance in a ballet,

rolled a great many enterand Neptune as if he had

tainments into one. In the just come from Covent Gar

centre of the lawn stood a den. The grooms grew

large marquee, containing weary of galloping express

an ample cold collation, on coach-horses, as the

which made a very showy jealous tradespeople of the

appearance, the principal village tardily executed, or

dishes being kept cold by altogether neglected, the


massive silver stray orders for forgotten

covers, each surmounted articles which they grum

by the family emblem, a bled "had better have been

bee, big enough for a cockhad down from London like

chafer. Above this pavilion the rest." To crown the

waved, or rather should confusion, the cub arrived

have waved, a broad silken full of boisterous spirits, and

banner, that had often flutbegan to amuse himself with

tered and flaunted in the a whole flock of larks, a

procession of the Worshipphrase that indicated those

ful Company of Ironmonpractical jokes, in which

gers, but now, for want of persons of limited capacity

wind, hung down as motion

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less as a piece of hardware. In a line with the mar- | vicinity. However, the interval was a grateful one, quee was a target for archery, so posted, that who- for it allowed the master and mistress of the Hive ever missed the butt would have a fair chance of to feel really at home” with their former conhitting the tent; whilst, for the accommodation of nections, and to indulge in the luxury of civic reanglers, the margin of the large fish-pond was furnish- collections, unrepressed by the presence of their ed with sundry elbow-chairs, wherein the sedentary more aristocratic acquaintance. Mrs. Twigs er angler might enjoy “the contemplative man's recre- hibited to her female friends her drawing-room, ation,” in the inmediate vicinity of a country dance bed-rooms, store-room, kitchen, wash-bouse, brewand a pandean band, in those days as fashionable a house, and her unprofitable dairy; meanwhile band as Weippart's or Colinet's at the present time. Twigs paraded his old cronies through his dining. To accommodate the musicians, the octagon summer- room, billiard-room, study, and stables, or trotted house was fitted up as a temporary orchestra, in front them round the grounds, pointing out peeps and of which stood a column of benches three deep; prospects, and then rushing back to act as showfor Twigg, on personally inviting the pedagogue of man to fresh batches, who were successively usherProspect House, and begging a whole holyday for ed into the garden by Pompey, his black face openthe boys, bad enibraced that eligible opportunity ing from ear to ear, like a personification of Coalof borrowing all the school forms. On the opposite man's Broad Grins. The coachman, in topboots, side of the garden, the orange trees and exotics assisted the footman; and the gardener, a sort of from the hothouse formed an avenue up to an ar- Jerry Blossom, faney-dressed in a straw-hat, peabor, christened, for the occasion, the Temple of green coat, skyblue hose, and parsley-and-butter Flora, and specially dedicated to the occupation of waistcoat, trotted after his master, to give the Miss Twigs, who undertook, in an appropriate proper names of the flowers and shrubs, for the fancy dress, to represent the Queen of Flowers. proprietor scarcely knew a peony from a pink. The Hermitage, in a secluded corner of the grounds, At one o'clock all the company had arrived, eshad its rustic table furnished with a huge portfolio cepting the Tyrrels and the Riverses; many of the of colored caricatures; and the paddock was de- younger guests coming in fancy dresses, more or voted to trapball and cricket, the wicket for the less tasteful; there were Swiss, Turkish, and Grecian latter game being considerately pitched, so that a maids; nuns, Dianas, nymphs, Spanish Dons, troubarn on one side, and a haystack on the other, badours, monks, knights, a shepherd, and no less would materially assist the fieldsmen in stopping than three shepherdesses, without a sheep. The the ball. A whimsical feature remains to be men- air was now become oppressively sultry; but Twigg tioned. In anticipation of syllabub, Daisy, a polled suffered little from the weather, in comparison with Alderney, was tethered at a corner of the lawn, a his hot and cold fits of nervousness and anxiety, stone Cupid seeming ludierously to keep watch originating in other causes than the mere novelty over her, in the capacity of a cowboy.

of his situation. First, he had to endure a long comSuch were the festive arrangements over which plimentary oration from Doctor Bellamy, an approTwigg glanced with a satisfaction that made him priate answer to which would have cost the hearer frequently wash his hands without water or soap, more trouble than a speech in common council ; while he mentally contrasted the gay scene before then he had to meet the Squire for the first time him with the humble prospects of his youth. He since smashing his decanters ;—the pedagogue from was dressed in a full court suit of plum color, in Prospect House was perpetually addressing him which, as Sherill, he had gone up with an address with Latin quotations; and he was especially puzto the king; his partner, with her embon point and zled by the presence of the Rev. Dr. Cobb, -for her pink satin, looked extremely like that hearty archery and cricket were sports for laymen, and he and substantial flower, a full-blown cabbage-rose; could think of no clerical amusement, except invitwhile 'Tilda, in apple-green sill, festooned with aring the worthy vicar every ten minutes to eat or tificial flowers, and her hair wreathed with real drink. The occasional absences of his son kept ones, appeared actually, as he expressed it, “a cut him, besides, in an intermitting fever, for he judged above human nature.

rightly, that the cub, when out of sight, was enAt the first encounter of husband and wife in gaged in mischief; above all, he could not help notheir full plumage, she saluted him with a very pro- ticing that a damp hung over the spirits of the found courtesy, which he returned by an elaborate whole company, which he vainly tried to dissipate. bow, as if in joint rehearsal of the ceremonies to The town party and the country party refused to come, and then they mutually congratulated cach amalgamate, and took opposite sides of the garden, other on the propitious weather, for the sky was like Whigs and Tories; nay, the very sexes seemed calm and cloudless, though it was rather hot for to antipathize, and the young ladies planted themthe season ; indeed, as Twigg said, he should have selves in clumps on one part of the lawn, while the thought it'

very hard if a man of his property young gentlemen formed groups elsewhere. Poscould not have a fine day for a fete.”

sibly, like the guests at the feast after the manner One thing puzzled the worthy pair. Few of the of the ancients, as recorded in Peregrine Pickle, neighboring gentry had accepted their invitation, each individual awaited the example of his neighthough the live was so handy, and they had car- bor how he was to behave or enjoy himself at so riages of their own; whereas the metropolitan unusual an entertainment; perhaps mirth was defamilies who had been asked, came almost to a pressed by the earnest injunction to be merry of fraction, notwithstanding the distance was consid- the host and hostess, who did not know that to bid erable, and many had to hire vehicles. It was sin- a wit “to be funny," is to desire him to be dull. gular, besides, that those who had the farthest to As Twigg trotted to and fro with the activity and travel arrived first; guests from Bishopsgate, Lud- volubility of a flying pieman, he indulged in such gate, and Cripplegate, came in, and had successive patter as the following:ly made the tour of the house and grounds before My dear Miss Tipper, I declare, as blooming as a single soul was announced who belonged to the lever-glad to see you-take an ice-Mrs. Crowder,


have you been round the grounds ?-Rev. Dr. Cobb, nings, a deaf man would certainly have thought
a glass of wine-Pray make free, gentlemen—Lib- that he was meditating and practising some such
erty Hall, you know—Matilda, Miss Dobbs would caligraphic devices on the empty air.
like to see Flora's Temple—'Tilda looks well, don't At last Massa, Baronet Tyrrel was announced by
she?-Mr. Deputy, there'll be a collation at four in the obsequious Pompey, and the jovial Sir Mark
the tent; but take a snack beforehand-plenty in immediately appeared, with his family, including
the dining-room-come, young folks, be merry, be his daughter elect, Grace Rivers, the avocations of
merry-what are you all for?—there's bow and the Justice not allowing him to be present so early.
arrows; and cricket and fishing, and dancing on the The Baronet, delivered from gout, was in excellent
green, and music-Mrs. Tilby, I know you're fond health and spirits; Mrs. Hamilton seemed unusually
of vocals-run, Pompey, and desire Mr. Hopkinson cheerful; Raby and Grace were of course happy in
for the favor of a song-my dear, do keep an eye each other's society; and even Ringwood and St.
on John, he's drunk already, d-n him—Mr. Kitts appeared either to have forgotten their old
Sparks, a glass of wine—the same with you, Mr. feud, or to have agreed on an armistice for the day.
Dowson-here, this way into the green-house- The host and hostess were loud and eager in their
come, hob-a-nob-a pretty scene, isn't it, Sparks, welcome and salutations.
my old boy—and all my own property-Mr. Dow- “Oh, Sir Mark Tyrrel, Baronet,” exclaimed Mrs.
son, I can't help remembering old times; but many's Twigg, in a tone of reproach, “how could you be
the time Sparks and me has clubbed our shillings so behind time? You promised to enjoy a long
together for a treat at Bagnigge Wells. A great day.”
change though, say you, from that to this. I little *To be sure, madam," answered Sir Mark,
thought when I wrote T. Twigg with a watering- judge by the field, I am rather late at the meet;
tin, on a dusty pavement, that I should be signing but no matter-a short burst may be a merry one;
it some day to cheques for thousands. I don't care and as yet, from all I see, I have lost little sport.
who knows it, but I wasn't always the warm man I “Sir Mark Tyrrel, Baronet, a glass of wine ?"
am to-day. Mr. Squire, pray step in—a glass of said Mr. Twigg. “A votary of Diana,” lisped Miss
wine-glad to see you, Mr. Squire-break as much Twigg, “must be a friend to Flora,-may I offer a
as you please, and I won't say any thing; we shall bouquet ?"
only be quits—now for a look about again—where “I shall be proud and happy,” returned the gal-
the devil is T., junior?-Mr. Danvers, go to my lant Sir Mark, with a bow that belonged to the
daughter's bower, she'll present you with a bouquet Hunt Balls; but in stepping hastily forward to re-
-Dr. Bellamy, a glass of wine-Viss Trimmer, I ceive the nosegay, he unluckily set his right foot
know you like solitude ; and that's the way to the with some emphasis on the forepaw of a little Blen-
Hermitage. Don't be alarmed at the cow, she's heim spaniel that was careering round Flora's green
only flapping off the flies—Dr. Cobb, there's lunch sandals. The poor brute immediately set up a
in the dining-room-Ir. Cottrel, do go and divide dismal howl, and the Goddess, divesting her hands
those young ladies-beaux, beaux, what are you with little ceremony of the proffered bouquet,
about ?--come, choose partners, don't let the band caught up the curly favorite, and began to fondle
play for nothing—Mr. Crump, a glass of wine," it in her arms.
Such was the style of Twigg's exliortations; who, “

Dn the dog!” exclaimed Twigg, with his
unlike other lecturers, endeavored to enforce his usual abruptness ; "chuck him down again, and
precepts by practice. He made a dozen ineflectual give Sir Mark Tyrrel, Baronet, his bow-pot."
offers with the trap-bat at the ball, bobbed a fish- “I am really ashamed of her, sir,” said the mo-
ing line up and down in the fish-pond, seized Mrs. ther, stooping and presenting the flowers herself;
Deputy Dobbs, and cut a brief caper with her on “but the little animal's a great darling, a real
the grass plat, and finally, fitting an arrow to a bow, Marlbro', and a present from Mr. Ringwood.”
the shaft escaped from his fingers, and passed The Baronet winced at the information, and could
through Mrs. Tipper's turban, where it lodged, like have kicked the dog back to Blenheim with all his
a skewer a la Grecque. Such a commencement heart; while Ringwood, Raby, and the Creole ex-
made every one adverse to archery, and particu- changed looks of vexation with each other, which
larly as Mrs. Twigg requested that before shooting gradually altered into smiles, and at last they all
any more arrows, they would let her put corks on laughed in concert. There's a story current on the
all the points. As to angling, it seemed universally turf, of a certain jockey who very profitably dis-
agreed, that on such a day no fish would take a posed of three several whips, to as many gentle-
bait; and with regard to dancing, Twigg's tarantula men, as the identical whip with which he had won
did not bite any more than the fish, whilst the trap- the Derby; and the keeper, or under-keeper of
ball and the cricket-ball were as much out of favor Blenheim had practised a similar imposition on our
as the ball on the lawn. Music itself seemed for three collegians, by selling to each of them the
once to have lost its charms, and the most popular only spaniel of that celebrated breed that “was not
of Mr. llopkinson's songs attracted no auditor but to be had for love or money." However, each pru-
Dr. Bellamy, who sat gravely bowing time, and dently kept the secret. Twing took the Baronet
waving his hand in accompaniment of the long, into the green-house for a glass of wine; Mrs.
elaborate, rambling cadences then in fashion, and Twigg invited Mrs. Hamilton to take a peep at the
which might aptly be compared to the extraneous preparations in the marquee, and Matilda led Grace
flourishes so much in vogue at the same period, to her temple.
when the pen went curveting off from plain pot-
hooks and hangers into ornamental swans, ships, During this interlude the dulness of the rest of
dragoons, eagles, and fierce faces in flowing wigs. the company had rather increased, and the gaudy
Indeed, from the evolutions of Old Formality's right flag, that still drooped motionless upon its staff,
hand and fore-finger, their sweeps, and wavings, seemed a proper emblem of their listless and inani-
and circumgyrations, and occasional rapid spin- mate condition. They stood about the grounds in


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groups, idle, weary, and dreary, and seemed by common consent to have adopted the line of conduet of the Hon. Mr. Danvers, a sort of exclusive of those days, who, in answer to every proposition of amusement, lisped languidly, “that he preferred to look on."

“It's very odd a man of my property can't hare a merry party,” thought Twigg, as he looked round on his grand to-do, and saw the festive scene with a visible damp over it, like a wet night at Vauxhall. In the bitterness of his heart he sidled up to Mrs. Twigg, who was standing near the marquee, and said to her, in a low tone, “ Our friends, dthem, are as dull as ditch-water. What the devil can we do with them?"

“Nine, ten, eleven,” said Mrs. Twigy, with an abstracted look, and a little nod of her head at each number.

“ What the is running in your fool's head, madam?" said the master of the Ilive.

“Hush ;-fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen," continued Drs. Twigs, with the action of a Mandarin. “Drat that Pompey; I know there's more heads than plates.” And she rushed off to scola the oblivious black. The poor African, indeed, during the last half hour, had fully entitled himself to receive what Twigs, junior, would have called a regular good wigging.

A breath of air displaying for the first time the by successive mistakes and accidents to an awful Ironmongers’ banner, it was discovered that the pitch of nervous excitement, and she did not feel obtuse negro had hoisted it reversed, with all the

sure that he had not actually run away in a parosarmorial bearings of that Worshipful Company vsm of disgust and horror, leaving her, like Lady standing on their heads; and in absurdly attempt- Macbeth, to huddle up the banquet as she might. ing to rectify this blunder, by swarming up the

At last a popping sound attracted her to the tent, staff, down came Pompey, pole, flag, and all, on the and there she found the wished-for personage, cursdignified head of the Hon. Mr. Danvers, who was ing and swearing in a whisper, and stopping with indulging his preference for looking on.

Ilis next

each thumb a bottle of champagne, which had sufexploit was in bowing and backing to make way

fered so from the hot weather, that the fixed air for Mr. Justice Rivers, whereby he got a fair roll had determined on visiting the fresh. and tumble over Miss Bower, one of the shepherd

“Oh, Mr. T., what would you think!”—began the esses, who was sitting very pastorally on the grass ; poor hostess, but he cut her short; and the followand by-and-by, recollecting some neglected pre- ing dialogue ensued:vious order, he ran ofl' headlong to execute it, popping down a trayful of ices to thaw and dissolve themselves into a dew, under the broiling sun. long hundred of such little enormities were committed by the wrong-headed Hottentot; but only imagine the amazement of his mistress, when she saw him gravely conveying a reinforcement of cake and wine to the green-house in a common handbarrow ;-and conceive her still greater horror when he came back on the broad grin, with the same vehicle containing the helpless, portly body of the coachman as drunk as the celebrated sow of David. The only possible thing that could be urged in favor of the sot, was, that he was not cross in his cups, for during his progress he persisted in singing a jolly song, quite as broad as it was long, with all the voice that he had left.

“I shall faint away! I shall go wild ! I shall die on the spot !” exclaimed the distressed mistress of the Hive. “I wonder where Mr. T. is? That Pompey is enough to-has any body seen Mr. T.? It is really cruel,—what can a woman do with a tipsy man? Do run about, Peter, and look for your master, -Mr. T.! Mr. T.! Mr. T.!”

But no one responded to the invocation, although the whole grounds resounded, gradually, with an universal call for Mr. Twigg. The unhappy lady was in despair-sho feared she knew not wbat. When she last saw him, he had been worked up

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“None of your clack, madam; but stop those mistress, with some indications of her old fainting two bottles”-and he pointed to a couple of long- fits. necked fizzlers; “d—n it, madam, stop 'em tight, Ilamstring her!-kill her! knock her on the -you're making them squirt in my face. There head!" shouted Twigg, dancing on his tiptoes with you go agin! Where's Pompey, -- where's Peter,— excitement, and unconsciously imitating the action where's John,—what the devil's the use of servants, of a slaughter-man. if they're away when you want 'em-curse the After standing a minute at gaze, the cow bad rechampagne !—IIere's a pretty situation for a man commenced her career about the lawn, causing a of my property!"

general panic, and nature's first law, the sauve qui My dear, do only have a little patience—" peut principle, triumphed over all others. Guided “Patience be hanged! I've been standing so, by this instinct, Twigg rushed into the green-house, madam, this half hour—till I've got a cramp in both and resolutely shut the door against the cow, as thumbs. I told that rascal, John, never to quit well as against Mrs. Twigg, who had made for the the tent, and you, madam, you,—with your con- same place of refuge. The corpulent Mr. Deputy founded she-gossips-why didn't you come sooner? Dobbs, by hard running, contrived to place tho I'll tell you what-if ever I have a fete again—is breadth of the fish-pond between himself and the any body happy—is any body lively—will any body “infuriated animal,"—the orchestra box, alias the shoot at the target-or dance on the lawn—or play octagon summer-house, was crowded with concricket? No, says you, it's a failure, a regular pany,—the hermitage, oh, shade of Zimmerman, failure; and as for pleasure, there an't a farthing what a sacrilege! was a perfect squeeze; and Flora in the pound !”.

had clambered up the lattice-work of her temple, The colloquy would doubtless hare proceeded much and sat shrieking on the top. All the guests were further, but for a succession of female shrieks which in safety but one; and every one trembled at the arose from all quarters at once, whereat leaving probable fate of Mrs. Tipper, who had been sitting the champagne to take care of itself, the perplexed on the end of a form, and was not so alert in jumppair rushed out, with palpitating hearts, to inquire ing up from it as her juniors. The bench, on a into the nature of this new catastrophe. And truly mechanical principle well understood, immediately they beheld a sight to London-bred spectators pe- reared up and threw it's rider; and before the unculiarly appalling. The human groups that occu- fortunate lady, as she afterwards averred, “could pied the lawn had disappeared, and in lieu of them, feel her feet, she saw the rampaging cretur come the terrific Alderney was racing about like mad,” tearing at her, with the black man arter her, makwith her head up, and her tail bolt upright, and as ing her ten times worser." stiff as a kitchen poker. Driven to wildness by three The scared Alderney, however, in choosing her hours' exposure to a hot sun, and the incessant tor- course, had no design against Mrs. Tipper, but menting stings of insects, poor Daisy had broken merely inclined to enjoy a cold bath in the fishher tether, or more probably it had been cut for her pond, into which she accordingly plunged, accomby young Twigs, and she immediately began that panied by Pompey, who had just succeeded, after headlong gallop which cows are apt to take when many attempts, in catching hold of the remnant of goaded by the breeze-fly. After running three her tether. In they went-souse !—saluted by a heats round the lawn, she naturally made for the chorus of laughter from the orchestra ; and there, shades of the shrubbery, but being headed back by floundering up to their necks in water, the black the gentlemen, she paused, and looked around for animal and the red one hauled each other abont, an instant, as if to consider; and then, making up and splashed and dashed as if an aquatic parody her mind, she suddenly dashed off for the only of the combat of Guy of Warwick and Dun Cow place of shelter, and rushed headlong into the had been part of the concerted entertainments. marquee. An awful crash ensued. Plate clattered, “ Confound the fellow-she'll be drown'd!” cried glass jingled, and timber banged !

The canvas

an angry voice from the greenhouse. bulged fearfully on one side, and the moorings giv- “llis livery's dish'd and done for," responded a ing way, out rushed Daisy, and down fell the tent melancholy voice from the hothouse. Jike a clap-net, decidedly catching the cold fowls, “Oh! my gold-fish will be killed !" cried a shrill ducks, and pigeons that were under it.

tone from the top of the temple ; while a raccine A loud cry of a mixed character arose from the bellow resounded from the pond, intermingled with spectators of this lamentable catastrophe. The a volley of African jargon, of which only one senladies screamed from terror; the expectant citizens tence could be caught, and it intimated a new disbellowed from hungry disappointment, and some of aster. the younger gentlemen, amateurs of fun, gave a “O ki! him broke all de fishin'-rods and de lines !" shout that sounded like a huzza !

As Pompey spoke, he exchanged his grasp of “She's upset the tables !” shrieked Mrs. Twigg, the halter, which had become slippery, for a clutch with her arms working aloft like a telegraph’s. at the tail; an indignity the animal no sooner felt,

“And there goes every delicacy of the season," than with a desperate effort she scrambled out of exclaimed Mr. Twigg, gazing with the stupefied as- the pond, and dashed off at full gallop towards the pect of an underwriter at a total wreck.

paddock, making a dreadful gap by the way in “The new covers groaned the lady. Flora's display of exotics, whether in tubs or pots.

“ All battered and bruised—nothing but dents As for Pompey, through not timing his leap with and bumps," added her husband, in the same tone. the cow's, he was left sprawling under the rails of

“And the beautiful cut glass—not a bit of it the paddock; meanwhile the persecuted Alderney blowed," said the hostess, beginning to whimper. finally took shelter under the shade of the hay.

“Smash'd-shivered to atoms—curse her soul!” stack. cried the host, with the fervor of a believer in the And now the company, with due caution, came metempsychossi.

abroad again from roof and shed and leafy recess, “My poor damask table-cloths!” moaned the ) like urchins after a shower. Twigg sallied from the

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