argument at once-What are all the old women in | you with curses, the ruffians, whose accent betrays Europe, one-half of the men, and one-third of the them to be Irishmen, inflict upon you divers wanchildren, when compared, in value, with any one of ton wounds with a blunt instrument, probably a Christopher North's Newfoundland dogs-Fro-crow-bar-swearing by Satan and all his saints, Bronte-or O'Bronte? Finally, does he include in his sweeping condemnation the whole brute creation, lions, tigers, panthers, ounces, elephants, rhinoceroses, hippopotami, camelopardales, zebras, quaggas, cattle, horses, asses, mules, cats, the ichneumon, cranes, storks, cocks-of-the-wood, geese, and how-towdies? that if you stir an inch of your body before daybreak, they will instantly return, cut your throat, knock out your brains, sack you, and carry you off for sale to a surgeon. Therefore you must use pocket door-bolts, which are applicable to almost all sorts of doors, and on many occasions save the property and life of the traveller. The corkscrew plest. This is screwed in between the door and the door-post, and unites them so firmly, that great power is required to force a door so fastened. They are as portable as common corkscrews, and their weight does not exceed an ounce and a half. The safety of your bed-room should always be carefully examined; and in case of bolts not being at hand, it will be useful to hinder entrance into the room by putting a table and a chair upon it against the door. Take a peep below the bed, and into the closets, and every place where concealment is pos "Semi-drowning in the sea"-he continues-door-fastening the Doctor recommends as the sim"and all the pretended specifics, are mere delusions-there is no real remedy but cutting the part out immediately. If the bite be near a bloodvessel, that cannot always be done, nor when done, however well done, will it always prevent the miserable victim from dying the most dreadful of deaths. Well might St. Paul tell us 'beware of dogs.' First Epistle to Philippians, chap. iii. v. 2." suggest it, into the chimney. A friend of the Doctor's used to place a bureau against the door, and "thereon he set a basin and ewer in such a position as easily to rattle, so that on being shook, they instantly bacame molto agitato." Upon one alarming occasion this device frightened away one of the chambermaids, or some other Paulina Pry, who attempted to steal on the virgin sleep of the travelling Joseph, who all the time was hiding his head beneath the bolster. Joseph, however, believed it was a horrible midnight assassin, with mustaches and a dagger. "The chattering of the crockery gave the alarm, and the attempt, after many at Semi-drowning in the sea is, we grant, a bad specific, and difficult to be administered. It is not possible to tell a priori, how much drowning any particular patient can bear. What is mere semi-sible-of course, although the Doctor forgets to drowning to James, is total drowning to John :— Tom is easy of resuscitation-Bob will not stir a muscle for all the Humane Societies in the United Kingdoms. To cut a pound of flesh from the rump of a fat dowager, who turns sixteen stone, is within the practical skill of the veriest bungler in the anatomy of the human frame-to scarify the fleshless spindle-shank of an antiquated spinstress, who lives on a small annuity, might be beyond the scalpel of an Abernethy or a Liston. A large bloodvessel, as the Doctor well remarks, is an awkward neighbor to the wound made by the bite of a mad dog, "when a new excision has to be attempted"but will any Doctor living inform us how, in a thou-tempts, was abandoned." sand other cases besides hydrophobia, "the miserable victim may always be prevented from dying?" There are, probably, more dogs in Britain than horses; yet a hundred men, women, and children are killed by kicks of sane horses, for one by bites of insane dogs. Is the British army, therefore, to be deprived of its left arm, the cavalry? Is there to be no flying artillery? What is to become of the horse-marines? FOURTH COURSE. as THE Doctor, of course, is one of those travellers who believe, that unless they use the most ingenious precautions, they will be uniformly robbed and murdered in inns. The villains steal upon you during the midnight hour, when all the world is asleep. They leave their shoes down stairs, and leopard-like, ascend with velvet, or what is al most as noiseless-worsted steps, the wooden stairs. True, that your breeches are beneath your bolster --but that trick of travellers has long been " notorious as the sun at noonday ;" and although you are aware of your breeches, with all the ready money perhaps that you are worth in this world, eloping from beneath your parental eye, you in vain try to cry out-for a long, broad, iron hand, with ever so many iron fingers, is on your mouth; another, with still more numerous digits, compresses your windpipe, while a low hoarse voice, in a whisper to which Sarah Siddons's was empty air, on pain of instant death enforces silence from a man unable for his life to utter a single word; and after pulling off all the bed-clothes, and then clothing With all these fearful apprehensions in his mind, Dr. Kitchiner must have been a man of great natural personal courage and intrepidity, to have slept even once in his whole lifetime from home. What danger must we have passed, who used to plump in, without a thought of damp in the bed, or scamp below it-closet and chimney uninspected, door unbolted and unscrewed, exposed to rape, robbery, and murder! It is mortifying to think that we should be alive at this day. Nobody, male or female, thought it worth their while to rob, ravish, or murder us! There we lay, forgotten by the whole world-till the crowing of cocks, or the ring. ing of bells, or blundering Boots insisting on it that we were a Manchester Bagman, who had taken an inside in the Heavy at five, broke our repose, and Sol, laughing in at the unshuttered and uncurtained window, showed us the floor of our dormitory, not streaming with a gore of blood. We really know not whether to be most proud of having been the favorite child of Fortune, or the neglected brat of Fate. One only precaution did we ever use to take against assassination, and all the other ills that flesh is heir to, sleep where one may, and that was to say inwardly a short fervent prayer, humbly thanking our Maker for all the happiness-let us trust it was innocent-of the day; and humbly imploring his blessing on all the hopes of to-morrow. For, at the time we speak of we were young-and every morning, whatever the atmosphere might be, rose bright and beautiful with hopes that, far as the eyes of the soul could reach, glittered on earth's, and heaven's, and life's horizon! But suppose that after all this trouble to get him- | the Principia. Let the man, quoth he, "who comes self bolted and screwed into a parad.siacal taber- home fatigued by bodily exertion, especially if he nacle of a dormitory, there had suddenly rung feels heated by it, throw his legs upon a chair, and through the house the cry of FIRE-FIRE-FIRE! remain quiet, tranquil and composed, that the how was Dr. Kitchiner to get out? Tables, bureaus, energy which has been dispersed to the extremities benches, chairs, blocked up the only door-all laden may have time to return to the stomach, when it with wash-hand basins and other utensils, the whole is required." To all this we say-Fudge! The crockery, shepherdesses of the chimney-piece, dou- sooner you get hold of a leg of roasted mutton the ble-barrelled pistols with spring bayonets ready to better; but meanwhile, off rapidly with a pot of shoot and stab, without distinction of persons, as porter-then leisurely on with a clean shirt-wash their proprietor was madly seeking to escape the your face and hands in gelid-none of your tepid roaring flames! Both windows are iron-bound, water-There is no harm done if you should shave with all their shutters, and over and above tightly-then keep walking up and down the parlor rather fastened with "the corkscrew-fastening, the simplest we have seen." The wind-board is in like manner, and by the same unhappy contrivance, firmly jammed into the jaws of the chimney, so impatiently, for such conduct is natural, and in all things act agreeably to nature-stir up the waiter with some original jest by way of stimulant, and to give the knave's face a well-pleased stare-and egress to the Doctor up the vent is wholly denied, * Thus he says that no person should sit down to a hearty meal immediately after any great exertion, either of mind or body-that is, one might say, after a few miles of Plinlimnon or a few pages of Here lies interr'd a man of micht, never doubting "that the energy which has been dispersed to the extremities" has had ample time to return to the stomach, in God's name fall to! and take care that the second course shall not appear till there is no vestige left of the first-a second course being looked upon by the judicious moralist and pedestrian very much in the light in which the poet has made a celebrated character consider it Nor fame I slight-nor for her favors call; To prove how astonishingly our strength may be diminished by indolence, the Doctor tells us, that meeting a gentleman who had lately returned from India, to his inquiry after his health he replied, 'Why, better-better, thank ye-I think I begin to feel some symptoms of the return of a little English energy. Do you know that the day before yesterday I was in such high spirits, and felt so strong, I actually put on one of my stockings myself?" EXTRACTS FROM "TOM CRINGLE'S LOG." ONE of our crew undertook to be the guide to the agent's house. We arrived before it. It was a large mansion, and we could see lights glimmering in the ground-floor; but it was gaily lit up aloft. The house itself stood back about twenty feet from the street, from which it was separated by an iron railing. We knocked at the outer gate, but no one answered. At length our black guide found out a bell pull, and presently the clang of a bell resounded throughout the mansion. Still no one answered. I pushed against the door, and found it was open, and Mr. Treenail and myself immediately ascended a flight of six marble steps, and stood in the lower piazza, with the hall, or lower vestibule, before us. We entered. A very well-dressed brown woman, who was sitting at her work at a small table, being with two young girls of the same complexion, instantly rose to receive us. "Beg pardon," said Mr. Treenail, "pray, is this Mr. -'s house?" "Yes, sir, it is." "Will you have the goodness to say if he be at home?" "Oh yes, sir, he is dere upon dinner wid company," said the lady. 'Well," continued the lieutenant, "say to him that an officer of his majesty's sloop Torch is below, with dispatches for the admiral." Surely, sir, surely," the dark lady continued; "Follow me, sir; and dat small gentleman, -[Thomas Cringle, Esquire, no less!]-him will better follow me too." We left the room, and, turning to the right, landed in the lower piazza of the house, fronting the north. large clumsy stair occupied the easternmost end, with a massive mahogany balustrade, but the whole affair below was very ill lighted. The brown lady preceded us; and, planting herself at the bottom of the staircase, began to shout to some one above "Toby! Toby! buccra gentlemen arrive, Toby." But no Toby responded to the call. "My dear madam," said Treenail, "I have little time for ceremony. Pray usher us up into Mr. ence. "Den follow me, gentlemen, please." Forthwith we all ascended the dark staircase until we reached the first landing-place, when we heard a noise as of two negroes wrangling on the steps above us. "You rascal!" sang out one, "take dat; larn you for to teal my wittal!"-then a sharp crack, as if it had smote the culprit across the pate; whereupon, like a shot, a black fellow, in a handsome livery, trundled down, pursued by another servant with a large silver ladle in his hand, with which he was belaboring the fugitive over his flint-hard skull, right against our hostess, with the drumstick of a turkey in his hand, or rather in his mouth. "Top, you tief!-Top, you tief!-for me piece dat," shouted the pursuer. "You dam rascal!" quoth the dame. But she had no time to utter another word, before the fugitive pitched, with all his weight, right against her; and at the very moment another servant came trundling down with a large tray-full of all kinds of meats and I especially remember that two large crystal stands of jellies composed part of his load 80 there we were regularly capsized, and caught all of a heap in the dark landing-place, half way up the stairs; and down the other flight tumbled our guide, with Mr. Treenail and myself, and the two blackies, on the top of her, rolling in the descent over, or rather into, another large mahogany tray which had just been carried out, with a tureen of turtle soup in it, and a dish of roast-beef, and platefulls of land-crabs, and the Lord knows what all besides. The crash reached the ear of the landlord, who was seated at the head of his table in the upper piazza, a long gallery about fifty feet long by fourteen wide, and he immediately rose and ordered his butler to take a light. When he came down to ascertain the cause of the uproar, I shall never forget the scene. There was, first of all, mine host, a remarkably neat personage, standing on the polished mahogany stair, three steps above his servant, who was a very well-dressed respectable elderly negro, with a candle in each hand; and beneath him, on the landingplace, lay two trays of viands, broken tureens of soup, fragments of dishes, and fractured glasses, and a chaos of eatables and drinkables, and table gear scattered all about, amidst which lay scrambling my lieutenant and myself, the brown housekeeper, and the two negro servants, all more or less covered with gravy and wine dregs. Speaking of telegraphing, I will relate an anecdote here, if you will wait until I mend my pen. I had landed at Greenwich wharf on duty-this was the nearest point of communication between Port Royal and the admiral's pen-where, finding the flag-lieutenant, he drove me up in his ketureen to lunch. While we were regaling ourselves, the old signal-man came into the piazza, and with several most remarkable obeisances, gave us to know that there were flags hoisted on the signal mast, at the mountain settlement, of which he could make nothing -the uppermost was neither the interrogative, the affirmative, nor the negative, nor in fact, any thing that with the book he could make sense of. hand me "Odd enough," said the lieutenant; the glass," and he peered away for half a minute. "Confound me, if I can make heads or tails of it either; there, Cringle, what do you think? How do you construe it?" I took the telescope. Uppermost there was hoisted on the signal-mast a large tablecloth, not altogether immaculate, and under it a towel, as I guessed, for it was too opaque for bunting, and too white, although I could not affirm that it was fresh out of the fold either. "I am puzzled," said I, as I spied away again. Meanwhile, there was no acknowledgment made at our semaphore-"There, down they go," I continued-"Why, it must be a mistake-Stop, here's a new batch going up above the green trees-There goes the tablecloth once more, and the towel, and -deuce take me, if I can compare the lowermost to any thing but a dishclout-why, it must be a dishclout." The flags, or substitutes for them, streamed another minute in the breeze, but as there was still no answer made from our end of the string, they were once more hauled down. We waited another minute-"Why, here goes the same signal up again, tablecloth, towel, dishclout, and all-What the diable have we got here? A red ball, two pennants under-What can that mean? Ball-it is the bonnet-rouge, or I am a Dutchman, with two short streamers "-Another look-"A red nightcap and a pair of stockings, by all that is portentous!" exclaimed I. Ah, I see, I see!" said the lieutenant, laughing -"signal-man, acknowledge it." It was done, and down came the flags in a trice. It appeared, on inquiry, that the washing cart, which ought to have been sent up that morning, had been forgotten; and the admiral and his secretary having ridden out, there was no one who could make the proper signal for it. So, the old housekeeper took this singular method of having the cart dispatched, and it was sent off accordingly. At six o'clock we drove to Mr. Pepperpot Wagtail's. The party was a bachelor's one, and, when we walked up the front steps there was our host in person, standing to receive us at the door; while, on each side of him, there were five or six of his * * * * visitors, all sitting with their legs cocked up, their feet resting on a sort of surbase, above which the jalousies, or movable blinds of the piazza were fixed. I was introduced to the whole party seriatimand as each of the cock-legs dropped his trams, he started up, caught hold of my hand, and wrung it as if I had been his dearest and oldest friend. Were I to designate Jamaica as a community, I would call it a hand-shaking people. I have often laughed heartily upon seeing two cronies meeting in the streets of Kingston, after a temporary separation; when about pistol-shot asunder, both would begin to tug and rug at the right hand glove, but it is frequently a mighty serious affair in that hissing hot climate to get the gauntlet off; they approach, -one, a short urbane little man, who would not disgrace St. James's street, being more kiln-dried and less moist in his corporeals than his country friend, has contrived to extract his paw, and holds it out in act to shake: "Ah! how do you do, Ratoon?" quoth the Kingston man. don't let go-they cling like sucker fish, and talk and wallop about, and throw themselves back and laugh, and then another jiggery jiggery. On horseback, this custom is conspicuously ridiculous-I have nearly gone into fits at beholding two men careering along the road at a handgallopeach on a goodish horse, with his negro boy astern of him on a mule, in clean frock and trousers, and smart glazed hat with broad gold band, with massa's umbrella in a leathern case slung across his shoulders, and his portmanteau behind him on a mail pillion covered with snow-white sheep's fleece-suddenly they would pull up on recognizing each other, when tucking their whips under their arms, or crossing them in their teeth, it may be they would commence the rugging and riving operation. In this case-Shingle's bit of blood swerves, we may assume-Ratoon rides at him-Shingle fairly turns tail, and starts out at full speed, Ratoon thundering in his rear with stretched-out arm; and it does happen, I am assured, that the hot pursuit oftentimes continues for a mile, before the desired clapperclaw is obtained. But when two lusty planters meet on horseback, then indeed, Greek meets Greek. They begin the interview by shouting to each other, while fifty yards off, pulling away at the gloves all the while-"How are you, Canetop? Quite well, Shingles," rejoins the gloved, a stout red-faced sudoriferous yam-fed planter, dressed in blue-white jean trousers and waistcoat, with long Hessian boots drawn up to his knee over the former, and a span-new square-skirted blue coatee, with lots of clear brass buttons; a broad-brimmed black-glad to see you, Canetop. How do you do, 1 silk hat, worn white at the edge of the crownwearing a very small neckcloth, above which shoots up an enormous shirt collar, the peaks of which might serve for winkers to a starting horse, and carrying a large whip in his hand-"Quite well, my dear fellow," while he persists in dragging at it -the other homo all the while standing in the absurd position of a finger post-at length off comes the glove-piecemeal, perhaps a finger first, for instance then a thumb-at length, they tackle to, and shake each other like the very devil-not a sober pump-handle shake, but a regular jiggery jiggery, as if they were trying to dislocate each other's arms-and, confound them, even then they hope?" "How are you, Yamfu, my dear fellow ?" their horses fretting and jumping all the time-and if the Jack Spaniards or gadflies be rife, they have, even when denuded for the shake, to spur each other, more like a Knight Templar and a Saracen charging in mortal combat, than two men merely struggling to be civil; and after all they have often to get their black servants alongside to hold their horses, for shake they must, were they to break their necks in the attempt. Why they won't shake hands with their gloves on, I am sure I can't tell. It would be much cooler and nicer-lots of Scotchmen in the community, too. This hand-shaking, however, was followed by an invitation to dinner from each individual in the company. I looked at Captain Transom, as much as to say, "Can they mean us to take them at their word?" He nodded. "We are sorry, that being under orders to go to sea on Sunday morning, neither Mr. Cringle nor myself can have the pleasure of accepting such kind invitations.". "Well, when you come back you know-one day you must give me." "And I won't be denied," quoth a second. Liberty Hall, you know, so to me you must come, no ceremony," said a third-and so on. At length, no less a man drove up to the door than Judge When he drew up, his servant who was sitting behind on a small projection of the ketureen, came round and took a parcel out of the gig, closely wrapped in a blanket-"Bring that carefully in, Leonidas," said the judge, who now stumped up stairs with a small saw in his hand. He received the parcel, and, laying it down carefully in a corner, he placed the saw on it, and then came up and shook hands with Wagtail, and made his bow very gracefully. "What-can't you do without your ice and sour claret yet?" said Wagtail. "Never mind, never mind," said the Judge; and here dinner being announced, we all adjourned to the dining-room, where a very splendid entertain |