Oldalképek
PDF
ePub

very tooth I bought the day at the dentist's!' 'It
does na matter for that,' quo' he, 'I lost it at Wa-
terloo.' Ye lost it at Waterloo, sic nonsense!'
Weel, wi' that he comes forret to pit his finger into
Mrs. M'Farlane's mouth to tak' the teeth out o' her
mouth, and she gies a snap, and catch'd him by the
finger, and he gied a great scriech and took her a
and when she waukens, what has she gotten but
Mr. M'Farlane's finger atween her teeth, and him
roaring like to gang out o' his judgment!! Noo,
Mr. M Farlane has been gaun about wi' his thumb in a
clout, and looking as surly as a bear, for he thinks
Mrs. M'Farlane had done it out o' spite, because he
wadna let her buy a sofa at a sale the other day;
noo it's vera ill-done o' Mr. M'Farlane to think ony
thing o' that kind, as if ony woman would gang
and bite her ain flesh and blood if she kent o't.'
Miss M'Wharty, with a smile,
Asks the ladies to beguile

out o' the breweree-and whether the red pelisse | had ta'en the beast's eye or no, I dinna ken, but the bubbly-jock rins after Mrs. Clapperton, and Mrs. Clapperton ran, poor body, and the bubbly-jock after her, and in crossing the causey, ye see, her fit slippet, and the muff flew frae her, and there's a cart coming past, and the wheel o' the cart gaes o'er the muff, and ae gentleman rins and lifts Mrs. Clap-gowf i' the side o' the head, and that waukened her, perton, and anither lifts the muff, and when he looks into the muff, what's there, but a wee bit broken bottle, wi' a wee soup brandy in't; and the gentlemen fell a looking and laughing to ane anither, and they're gaun about to their dinner parties and their supper parties, and telling about Mrs. Clapperton wi' the bubbly-jock and the bottle o' brandy. Now it's vera ill done o' the gentlemen to do any thing o' the kind, for Mrs. Clapperton was just like to drap down wi' perfect vexation, for she's a body o' that kind o' laithfu' kind o' disposition, she would just as soon take aquafortis as she would take brandy in ony clandestine kind o' manner!

Each gemman at his post now,
In handing tea or toast now,
Is striving to outshine;
While keen to find a handle
To tip a little scandal,

The ladies all combine;
Of this one's dress or carriage,
Or t'other's death or marriage,

The dear chit-chat's kept up;
While the lady from the table,
Is calling while she's able-

you

66 Will have another cup?" 'Dear me, you're no done, mem-you'll take another cup, mem-take out your spoon.' 'Oh no, mem, I never take mair than ae cup upon ony occasion.' Toots, sic nonsense.' 'You may toots awa, but it's true sense, mem. And whan did ye see Mrs. Petticraw, mem?' 'Deed, I haena seen her this lang time, and I'm no wanting to see her; she's a body o' that kind, that just gangs frae house to house gathering clashes, and gets her tea here and her tea there, and tells in your house what she hears in mine, and when she begins, she claver clavers on and on, and the claver just comes frae her as if it cam' aff a clew, and there's nae end o' her.' O you maun excuse her, poor body, ye ken she's lost a' her teeth, and her tongue wearies in her mouth wantin' company.' 'Deed they may excuse her that wants her, for it's no me. Oh! ladies, did ye hear what's happened in Mr. M'Farlane's family? there's an awfu' circumstance happened in that family. Mr. and Mrs. M'Farlane haevna spoken to ane anither for this fortnight, and I'll tell you the reason o't. Mrs. M'Farlane, poor body, had lost ane o' her teeth, and she gaed awa to the dentist to get a tooth put in, and the dentist showed her twathree kinds o' them, and amang the rest he showed her a Waterloo ane, and she thought she would hae a Waterloo ane, poor body. Weel the dentist puts in ane to her, and the tooth's running in her head a' day, and when she gangs to her bed at nicht, as she tells me-but I'm certain she must have been dreaming-just about ane or twa o'clock o' the morning, mem, just about ane or twa o'clock in the morning, when she looks out o' her bed, there's a great lang sodger standing at the bedside, and quo' she, Man, what are ye wanting?' she says. Quo' he, Mrs. M'Farlane, that's my tooth that ye've got in your mouth. Your tooth!' quo' she, 'the

[ocr errors]

An hour with whist or loo;

While old uncle cries "Don't plague us;
Bring the toddy and the negus-

We'll have a song or two."

"Oh dear me, uncle Joseph!

Pray do not snap one's nose off;

You'll have toddy when you're dry,

With a little ham and chicken,
An' some other dainty pickin'

For the ladies, by-and-by."

"Weel, mem, how's your frien' Mrs. Howdyson coming on in thae times, when there is sae muckle influenza gaun about amang families?' 'Mrs. Howdyson! na, ye maun ask somebody that kens better about her than I do. I ha nae seen Mrs. Howdyson for three months.' 'Dear me! do ye tell me sae? you that used to be like twa sisters! how did sic a wonderfu' change as that come about?' "'Deed, mem, it was a very silly matter did it a'. Some five months since, ye see, mem (but ye maunna be speaking about it), Mrs. Howdyson called on me ae forenoon, and after sitting awhile she drew a paper parcel out o' her muff:- Ye'll no ken what this is?' said she. No,' quo I, 'it's no very likely.' 'Weel, it's my worthy husband's satin breeks, that he had on the day we were married; and I'm gaun awa to Miss Gushat to get her to mak them into a bonnet for mysel, for I hae a great respect for them on account of him that's awa'.' Respect! thinks I to mysel (for about this time she was spoke o' wi' Deacon Purdie), queer kind o' respect!-trying to catch a new guidman wi' a bonnet made out o' the auld ane's breeks!-but I said nothing. Weel, twa or three weeks after this, I was taking a walk wi' anither lady, and wha should we meet but Mrs.. Howdyson, wi' a fine, flashy, black satin bonnet on! So, we stopped, and chatted about the weather, and the great mortality that was in the town, and when shaking hands wi' her at parting, I, without meaning ony ill, gae a nod at her bonnet, and happened to say, in my thoughtless kind o' way, 'Is that the breeks?' never mindin' at the time that there was a stranger lady wi' me. Now this was maybe wrang in me, but considering our intimacy, I never dreamed she had ta'en't amiss till twa three Sundays after, I met her gaun to the kirk alang wi' Miss Purdie, and I happened to hae on ane o' thae new fashionable bonnets-really, it was an elegant shaped bonnet! and trimmed in the most tasteful and becoming manner-it was, in short, such a bon

net as ony lady might have been proud to be seen in. Weel, for a' that, mem, we hadna stood lang before she began on my poor bonnet, and called it a' the ugly-looking things she could think o', and advised me to gang hame and change it, for I looked so vulgar and daftlike in't. At length I got nettled at her abuse, for I kent it was a' out o' spite; Mrs. Howdyson, says I, the bonnet may be baith vulgar and daftlike, as you say, but I'm no half sae vulgar or sae daftlike as I wad be, if, like some folks, I were gaun to the kirk wi' a pair o' auld breeks on my head! So I turns on my heel and left them; but though it was the Sabbath-day, I could not help thinking to mysel-my lady, I trow I've given you a lozenge to sook that'll keep you frae sleeping better than ony confectionary you've ta'en to the kirk wi' ye this while.'

were aff, to be sure, which showed some sma' glimmering o' sense, but the neck o' the beast was a' done up wi' fine cambric ruffles; these were to be ta'en aff, it seems, till it was roasted, and then it was to get on its finery again, so as to appear in full puff before the company, and this was what she called a turkey in ruffles. 'Dear me, quo' I, this is a way o' dressing a turkey I never saw before-I'm thinking the guidman must have meant turkey and truffles." 'Truffles!' cried she, looking like a bewildered goose, and what's truffles, in a' the world?' Just look your cookery-book, quo' I, and you'll find that truffles are no made o' cambric muslin.' Now, ladies did you ever hear such ignorance? but, better than that, she went on to tell me how she had sent the servant to the market to buy a hare, to mak soup o': but, says she, 'what do you think the stupid creature did? instead of a hare, she brought me twa rabbits; now, ye ken, mem, rabbits dinna mak guid haresoup.' 'No, quo' I; haresoup made o' rabbits may be a rare dish, but it's no to my taste.' That's just my opinion; so, as they're gay and white in the flesh, I'm thinking just to make a bit veal-pie o' them ;-what do you think

'Weel, ladies, there are some strange kind o' folks to be met with after a'. I've just been listening to your crack, and it puts me in mind of a new married lady I was visiting the ither day. Before she was married, she was one of the dressiest belles we had about the town; and as for changing bonnets, you would seldom meet her twice wi' the same ane on. But now, though she has been little mairo' that for economy?' 'Excellent, quo' I, if you than three months married, she has become one of the most idle tawpie drabs that ever was seen, and has so many romantic fancies and stupid conceits about her, that I often canna help pitying the poor husband. Besides, she kens nae mair about house matters than if she had never heard o' sic things. She was an only dochter, you see, and, like the ewe's pet lamb, she got mair licking than learning. Just to gie ye an instance o' her management,-she told me she was making preparations for a dinner that her husband was going to give in a day or twa, and, amang ither things, she said that he wanted a turkey in ruffles.' Turkey in ruffles! quo I, that's a queer kind o' a dish!' Queer as it is, I'll manage it.' I would like to see it,' quo' I. So wi' that, she rings the bell and orders the servant to bring it ben. Weel, what's this but a turkey; the feathers

can manage it.' But,' said she, 'I'm to hae a haggis too, as a novelty to some English gentlemen that are to be of the party; now, I'm thinking of having the bag of the haggis died turkey-red; it's a fancy o' my ain, and I think it would astonish them; besides, it would cut such a dash on the table.' 'Dash on the table! quo' I, nae doubt it would cut a dash on the table; but wha ever heard o' a turkey-red haggis before?' Now, I think, ladies, if my frien' can either make hare-soup or a veal-pie out of a pair of rabbits, she'll be even a greater genius than Mrs. Howdyson, wi' her new bonnet made out o' a pair of auld breeks!'

So thus to sit and chitter chatter
O'er a cup o' scalding water,
Is the fashion o' the day.

EXTRACTS FROM "THE LAIRD OF LOGAN."

BY JOHN DONALD CARRICK.

THE USUAL APOLOGY.-Logan happened one | Now, thinks the assailant, I shall certainly hedge evening to be at a convivial party in Irvine, where him. "Well, Logan, still sticking to the old hat!" the toast and the song performed their merry "Hoot, man!" replies the wit, dryly, "what matround. A lady present being called on to con- ters what I wear here ?-everybody kens me." tribute to the hilarity of the evening, excused herself by saying she had only one song, and it was so threadbare, she was afraid to sing it. "Hoot, madam," cried our wag, "so much the better, for if its threadbare, you'll get the easier through it."

LOVE AT SIGHT.-A servant girl, of no strong intellect, who lived with a lady in the neighborhood of Paisley, one day surprised her mistress by giving up her place. The lady inquired the cause, and found that it was that fertile source of dissension between mistress and maid-servant-a lad. who is this lad ?" inquired her mistress. "Ou, he's a nice lad-a lad that sits in the kirk just forenant me." "And when does he intend that you and he

"And

should be married?" "I dinna ken." "Are you

GOOD EXCUSE for a Bad Hat.-Logan, like some other eccentrics, seems to have disliked parting with his old habiliments. Visiting London on some occasion, he was met by an acquaintance in one of the fashionable regions of the city, who, observing the Laird to have on a shocking bad hat," could sure he intends to marry you at all?" "I daur say not refrain from expressing his surprise at his negli- he does, mem." "Have you had much of each gence. "Oh," rejoins the wit, "it makes nae dif- other's company?" "No yet." "When did you ference what I wear here-no ane kens me." This, last converse with him?" 'Deed, we hae nae conof course, was a settler. Some short time after- versed ava yet." "Then how should you suppose wards, however, the parties met again in Edinburgh, that he is going to marry you ?" "Ou," replied the at Logan's old favorite haunt-the old favorite simple girl, "he's been lang lookin' at me, and I chapeau still maintained its crowning eminence. I think he'll soon be speakin'."

[ocr errors]

AN AUDIBLE WITNESS.

BY ANDREW HENDERSON,

[graphic]

SOME years ago, Lord was presiding at a circuit trial in Glasgow, where several females were in succession examined as witnesses. Whether it arose from their unusual exposure in the witness box, (a square structure in the centre of the Court Hall, elevated considerably above the floor,) from fear of their expressions being laughed at, or from whatever cause, certain it is, they spoke so inaudibly and indistinctly, that the jury, again and again, complained, and his lordship as often admonished them to speak out; but, notwithstanding repeated admonitions, they again and again resumed their under tone till of new reminded:-on this account, the patience of the Judge was most severely tried, and by the time the examination was finished, he was visibly suppressing great irritation. At this juncture, there approached through the crowd, towards the witness box, a tall, stout fellow, with a fustian sleeved jacket, capacious corduroy inexpressibles, blue rig-and-fur hose, and strong lumps of shoes, well supplied with tackets-who, with pavier-like thumps, tramped up the wooden steps into the box, laid his bonnet on the seat, and sousing himself down on it, stared about with seeming indifference, as if he had nothing more to do. This uncommon nonchalance his lordship eyed with surprise, and having promptly ordered him to stand up, and administered the oath, he, with a fearful scowl and gruff manner, addressed him: "Witness, let me tell you, that my brother (meaning the other Judge) and I have this day been put to great trouble examining witnesses who would not, or could not, speak above their breath ;-now, sir, I see you're a strong young man, and being a carter, as I understand, and accustomed to speak out to your horses, you can have no such apology; and,

therefore, let me tell you, once for all, that if you speak not at the top of your voice, you shall be sent down

to jail in an instant." Ere this volley was well over, the witness, unconscious of wrong by him to call for such a threat, changed color-stared wildly around-hitched up the headband of his small clothes,-and betrayed such strange symptoms, that his lordship, imputing them to disrespect or indifference, called out, "stand still, sir-mind what I've said to you.' This acted like an electric shock on the witness, for he instantly grasped the bar before him, stood stock-still, gaping as petrified. His lordship then resumed his seat, and called out to the witness, "What's your name?" Bauldy M'Luckie," was instantly roared out in a voice more resembling the discharge of a piece of artillery, than the ordinary action of the vocal organs. The amazement was succeeded by a burst of irrepressible laughter from the audience, and the lengthened bawl of "Si-lence," by the macer, while the effect of it on his lordship was such, that, instinctively dropping the pen, clapping both hands to his ears, and looking daggers at Bauldy, he exclaimed, "What's the meaning of that, sir ?" Bauldy, who thought his lordship now meant to quarrel with him for not speaking loud enough, immediately answered in the same tone, "I never spoke louder to

the brutes in my life." A perfect explosion of laughter succeeded; which, for some time, defied every effort of the macer and the court to get repressed; even his lordship, whose kindness of heart was well known, smilingly observed, "Surely you don't consider us your brutes, sir,-you should know there's a difference betwixt roaring and speaking. Remember where you're standing, sir." This memento wrought on Bauldy prodigiously-his hands clenched convulsively the bar in front-the perspiration broke in drops on his face-his eyes seemed fixed, and his whole frame fearfully agitated. In vain were questions put to him from both sides of the bar-fruitless were expostulations or threats -bis answers were all of the non mi recordo class, except two, to which no importance seemed at tached by any one, unless Bauldy, namely, "That he staid wi' his mither in the Briggate; and he kent she was aulder than himsel'." Seeing, therefore, that nothing further could be elicited from Bauldy, his lordship imputed it to Bauldy's wish to conceal the truth, in a surly manner ordered him to

get away. This operated like a charm; Bauldy and bonnet were instantly in motion. His precipitate tramp down the narrow steps, however, ended rather ungracefully, for having tripped himself, down he came, at length, on the top of a man, whose rueful gestures and looks, under the weight and desperate grasp of Bauldy, found no consolation or apology, other than the convulsive laughter of the audience, and the hasty remark of Bauldy at striding away-"Did ye e'er see sick a cankry buffer as that." On getting outside the court, Bauldy's mother and some cronies were overheard asking him how he had come on;-"Come on," said he, "I thought the auld buffer would hae worried me; he said he would send me down to jail whaur I stood-I lost my sight-and gaed clean doited-I was like to swarf, but I held firm by the bauk, for fear they might knock the boddom frae neath my feet, and send me below in an instant, as he saidyon's nae fun ava. Come awa, lads, my throat's as dry as a whistle, and gi'e me a dram to draik the dust."

CATCHING A TARTAR.

An unpublished Chapter from "the Life of Mansie Wanch, the Tailor."

BY DAVID MACBETH MOIR (DElta).

FROM the first moment I clapped eye on the | caricature thing of a coat, that Tommy Bodkin had, in my absence, shaped out for Cursecowl the butcher, I foresaw, in my own mind, that a catastrophe was brewing for us; and never did soldier gird himself to fight the French, or sailor prepare for a sea-storm, with greater alacrity, than I did to cope with the bull-dog anger, and buffet back the uproarious vengeance of our heathenish customer.

At first thought of letting the thing take its natural course, and of threaping down Cursecowl's throat, that he must have been feloniously keeping in his breath, when Tommy took his measure; and, moreover, that as it was the fashion to be straightlaced, Tommy had done his utmost, trying to make him look like his betters; till, my conscience checking me for such a nefarious intention, I endeavored, as became me in the relations of man, merchant, and Christian, to solder the matter peaceably, and show him, if there was a fault committed, that there was no evil intention on my side of the house. To this end, I despatched the bit servant wench, on the Friday afternoon, to deliver the coat, which was neatly tied up in brown paper, and directed "Mr. Cursecowl, with care," and to buy a sheep's head; bidding her, by way of being civil, give my kind compliments, and enquire how Mr. and Mrs. Cursecowl, and the five little Miss Cursecowls, were keeping their healths, and trusting to his honor in sending me a good article. But have a moment's patience.

Being busy at the time, turning a pair of kuttikins for old Mr. Mooley pouch, the mealmonger, when the lassie came back, I had no mind of ask. ing a sight of the sheep's head, as I aye like the little black-faced, in preference to the white, fat, fozy Cheviot-breed; but, most providentially, I catched a gliskie of the wench passing the shopwindow, on the road over to Jacob Coom, the

smith's, to get it singed, having been despatched there by her mistress. Running round the counter like lightning, I opened the sneck, and hallooed to her to wheel to the right about, having, somehow or other, a superstitious longing to look at the article. As I was saying, there was a Providence in this, which, at the time, mortal man could never have thought of.

James Batter had popped in with a newspaper in his hand, to read me a curious account of a Mermaid, that was seen singing a Gaelic song, and combing its hair with a tortoiseshell comb, someway terrible far north about Shetland, by a respectable minister of the district, riding home in the gloaming, after a presbytery dinner. So, as he was just taking off his spectacles cannily, and saying to me-"And was not that droll?"—the lassic spread down her towel on the counter, when, lo! and behold! such an abominable spectacle! James Batter observing me run back, and turn white, put on his glasses again, cannily taking them out of his well-worn shagreen case, and, giving a stare down at the towel, almost touched the beast's nose with his own.

"And what in the name of goodness is the matter ?" quo' James Batter; "ye seem in a wonderful quandary!"

"The matter!" answered I, in astonishment; looking to see if the man had lost his sight or his senses "the matter! who ever saw a sheep's head with straight horns, and a visnomy, all colors of the rainbow-red, blue, orange, green, yellow, white, and black?"

[ocr errors]

"Deed it is," said James, after a nearer inspection; "it must be a lowsy-naturay. I'm sure I have read most of Buffon's books, and I have never heard tell of the like. It's gey and querish."

"Od! James," answered I, "ye take every thing very canny; you're a philosopher, to be sure; but,

[ocr errors]

I dare say, if the moon was to fall from the lift, and knock down the old kirk, ye would say no more than 'it's gey and queerish.'

"Queerish, man! do ye not see that?" added I, shoving down his head mostly on the top of it. "Do ye not see that? awful, most awful! extonishing!! Do ye not see that long beard? Who, in the name of goodness, ever was an eye-witness to a sheep's head, in a Christian land, with a beard like an unshaven jew, crying owl clowes,' with a green bag over his left shoulder!"

Dog on it," said James, giving a fidge with his hainches; "Dog on it, as I am a living sinner, that is the head of a Willy goat."

"Willie, or Nannie," answered I, "it's not meat for me; and never shall an ounce of it eross the craig of my family; that is, as sure as ever James Batter drave a shuttle. Give counsel in need, James; what is to be done?"

"That needs consideration," quo' James, giving a bit hoast. "Unless he makes ample apology, and explains the mistake in a feasible way, it is my humble opinion that he ought to be summoned before his betters. That is the legal way to make him smart for his sins."

At last, a thought struck me, and I saw farther through my difficulties than ever mortal man did through a millstone; but, like a politician, I minted not the matter to James, keeping my tongue cannily within my teeth. I then laid the head, wrapped up in the bit towel, in a corner behind the counter; and, turning my face round again to James, I put my hands into my breeches pockets, as if nothing in the world had happened, and ventured back to the story of the Mermaid. I asked him how she looked-what kind of dress she wore-if she swam with her corsets-what was the color of her hairwhere she would buy the tortoiseshell comb-and so on; when, just as he was clearing his pipe to reply, who should burst open the shop-door, like a clap of thunder, with burning cat's een, and a face as red as a soldier's jacket, but Cursecowl himself,

with the new killing-coat in his hand,-which, giv. ing a tremendous curse, the words of which are not essentially necessary for me to repeat, being an elder of our kirk, he made play flee at me with such a birr, that it twisted round my neck, and mostly blinding me, made me doze like a tottum. At the same time, to clear his way, and the better to enable him to take a good mark, he gave James Batter a shove, that made him stoiter against the wall, and snacked the good new farthing tobaccopipe, that James was taking his first whiff out of; crying, at the same blessed moment-"Hold out o' my road, ye long withered wabster. Ye're a pair of havering idiots; but I'll have pennyworths out of both your skins, as I'm a sinner!"

What was to be done? There was no time for speaking, for Cursecowl, foaming like a mad dog with passion, seized hold of the ellwand, which he flourished round his head like a highlander's broad sword; and, stamping about, with his stockings drawn up his thighs, threatened every moment to commit bloody murder.

If James Batter never saw service before, he learned a little of it that day, being in a pickle of bodily terror not to be imagined by living man; but his presence of mind did not forsake him, and he cowered for safety and succor into a far corner, holding out a web of buckram before him,-me crying all the time, "Send for the town-officer! will ye not send for the town-officer ?"

You may talk of your General Moores, and your Lord Wellingtons, as ye like; but never, since I was born, did I ever see or hear tell of any thing braver than the way Tommy Bodkin behaved, in saving both our precious lives, at that blessed nick of time, from touch-and-go jeopardy; for, when Cursecowl was rampaging about, cursing and swearing like a Russian bear, hurling out vollies of oaths that would have frighted John Knox, forbye the like of us, Tommy stole in behind him like a wild cat, followed by Joseph Breekey, Jerry Staytape, and Jack Thorl, the three apprentices, on their

[graphic]
« ElőzőTovább »