FATHER TOM AND THE POPE; OR, A NIGHT AT THE VATICAN. [Strange to say, the authorship of this famous and inimitable satire is involved in doubt. Among the prineipal writers to whom it has been attributed are the Rev. Francis Mahony (“ Father Prout "), and Dr. Wm. Maginn. Certainly it would have proceeded naturally enough from either of these learned wits, and would have done them honor; but the precise time at which it appeared, and some of the local allusions contained in it, are unfavorable to the idea that either of these genial and versatile writers was concerned in its production. Moreover, no claim to, or acknowledgment of, the authorship of the piece, is found either in the "Reliques of Father Prout," or in "Maginn's Miscellanies." If then, these two names be dropped out of the controversy, no better supported claimant appears for the honor in question than John Fisher Murray. The brochure had its origin in the disputes upon the Irish Education Scheme, and in a noted controversy between a Catholic rector (Rev. Thomas Maguire) in the county of Leitrim, and a Protestant clergyman of Cork, the Rev. T. P. Pope. Mr. Murray devoted much study to the points involved and showed his familiarity with every phase of the subject, both serious and droll, in a series of racy papers-in Blackwood's Magazine. His local associations, and his peculiar fitness for the work, may perhaps warrant us in regarding him as the author of "Father Tom,"-at least until some other author can set up a better claim.] CHAPTER I. for you know, Pope was the great Prodesan 66 Sure, amn't I thrying all I can ?" says the Pope. "Sorra betther bottle ov wine's betuxt this and Salamancha, nor there's fornenst you on the table; it's raal Lachrymalchrystal, every spudh ov it." 66 "It's mortial could," says Father Tom. Well, man alive," says the Pope, "sure and here's the best ov good claret in the cut decanther." "Not maning to make little ov the claret, your holiness," says his Riv'rence, "I would prefir some hot wather and sugar, wid a glass ov spirits through it, if convanient." "Hand me over the bottle of brandy," says the Pope to his head butler," and fetch up the materi'ls," says he. Ah, then, your Holiness," says his Riv'rence, mighty eager, maybe you'd have a dhrop ov the native in your cellar? Sure it's all one throuble," says he, "and, troth, I dunna how it is, but brandy always plays the puck wid my inthrails." "Pon my conscience, then," says the Pope, "it's very sorry I am Misther Maguire," HOW FATHER TOM WENT TO TAKE POT-LUCK says he, "that it isn't in my power to plase AT THE VATICAN. WHEN his Riv'rence was in Room, ov coorse the Pope axed him to take pot look wid him. More be token, it was on a Friday; but, for all that, there was plenty of mate; for the Pope gev himself an absolution from the fast on account of the great company that was in it-at laste so I'm tould. Howandiver, there's no fast on the dhrink, any how-glory be to God!-and so, as they wor sitting, afther dinner, taking their sup together, says the Pope, says he, "Thomaus," for the Pope, you know, spakes that away, all as one as one ov uz"Thomaus a lanna," says he, "I'm tould you welt them English heretics out ov the face." "You may say that," said his Riv'rence to him again. "Be my soul," says he, "if I put your Holiness undher the table, you won't be the first Pope I floored." Well, his Holiness laughed like to split; you; for I'm sure and certaint that there's not as much whiskey in Room this blessed minit as 'ud blind the eye ov a midge." 66 Well, in troth, your Holiness," says Father Tom, "I knewn there was no use in axing; only," says he, "I didn't know how else to exqueeze the liberty I tuck," says he, "of bringing a small taste," says he, "of the real stuff," says he, hauling out an imperi'l quart bottle out ov his coat-pocket; "that never seen the face ov a guager,' says he, setting it down on the table fornenst the Pope; "and if you'll jist thry the full ov a thimble ov it, and it doesn't rise the cockles ov your Holiness's heart, why then, my name," says he, " isn't Tom Maguire!" and wid that he outs wid the cork. Well, the Pope at first was going to get vexed at Father Tom for fetching dhrink thataway in his pocket, as if there wasn't lashins in the house: so says he, "Misther Maguire," says he, "I'd have you to comprehind the differ betuxt an inwitation to "Pon my secret honour," says his Riv'rence, "I'm raally glad to see your Holiness set so much to your satiswhaction; especially," says he, "as, for fear ov accidents, I tuck the liberty of fetching the fellow ov that small vesshel," says he, "in my other coat-pocket. So devil a fear of our running dhry till the but-end of the evening, anyhow," says he. dinner from the succissor of Saint Pether, | ing his epistolical mouth wid the cuff ov his and from a common mayur or a Prodesan coat. squireen that maybe hasn't liquor enough in his cupboard to wet more nor his own heretical whistle. That may be the way wid them that you wisit in Leithrim," says he, "and in Roscommon; and I'd let you know the differ in the prisint case," says he, "only that you're a champion ov the Church and entitled to laniency. So," says he, "as the liquor's come, let it stay. And in troth I'm curis myself," says he, getting mighty soft when he found the delightful smell ov the putteen, "in inwistigating the composition ov distilled liquors; it's a branch ov natural philosophy," says he, taking up the bottle and putting it to his blessed nose. Ah! my dear, the very first snuff he got ov it, he cried out, the dear man, "Blessed Vargin, but it has the divine smell!" and crossed himself and the bottle half a dozen times running. แ Well, sure enough, it's the blessed liquor now," says his Riv'rence," and so there can be no harm any way in mixing a dandy of punch; and," says he, stirring up the materi'ls wid his goolden muddlar-for every thing at the Pope's table, to the very shcrew for drawing the corks, was ov vergin goold -"if I might make bould," says he, "to spake on so deep a subjic afore your Holiness, I think it 'ud considherably whacilitate the inwestigation ov its chemisthry and phwarmaceutics, if you'd jist thry the laste sup in life ov it inwardly." "Well, then, suppose I do make the same expiriment," says the Pope, in a much more condescinding way nor you'd have expected -and wid that he mixes himself a real stiff facer. Now, your Holiness," says Father Tom, "this bein' the first time you ever dispinsed them ehymicals," says he, "I'll jist make bould to lay down one rule ov orthography," says he, "for conwhounding them, secundum mortem.' "What's that?" says the Pope. "Put in the sperits first," says his Riv'rence; "and then put in the sugar; and remember, every dhrop ov wather you put in after that, spoils the punch." Dhraw your stool in to the fire, Misther Maguire," says the Pope, "for faix," says he, "I'm bent on analizing the metaphwysics ov this phinomenon. Come, man alive, clear off," says he, "you're not dhrinking at all." "Is it dhrink?" says his Riv'rence; "by Gorra, your Holiness," says he, "I'd dhrink wid you till the cows 'ud be coming home in the morning." So wid that they tackled to, to the second fugee a-piece, and fell into a larned discourse. But it's time for me now to be off to the lecthir at the Boord. Oh my sorra light upon you, Docther Whately, wid your pilitical econimy and your hydherastatics! What the dioul use has a poor hedge-masther like me wid sich deep larning as is only fit for the likes ov them two I left over their second tumbler? Howandiver, wishing I was like them, in regard ov the sup ov dhrink, any how, I must brake off my norration for the prisint; but when I see you again, I'll tell you how Father Tom made a hare ov the Pope that evening, both in theology and the cube root. CHAPTER II. HOW FATHER TOM SACKED HIS HOLINESS IN WELL, the lecthir's over, and I'm kilt out and out. My bitther curse be upon the man that invinted the same Boord! I thought once I'd fadomed the say ov throuble; and that was when I got through fractions at ould Mat Kavanagh's school, in Firdramore-God be good to poor Mat's sowl, though he did deny the cause the day he "Glory be to God!" says the Pope, not suffered! but its fluxions itself we're set to minding a word Father Tom was saying. bottom now, sink or shwim! May I never Glory be to God!" says he, smacking his die if my head isn't as throughother as any lips. "I never knewn what dhrink was thing wid their ordinals and cardinals-and, afore," says he. "It bates the Lachrymal- begob, it's all nothing to the econimy lecthir chrystal out ov the face!" says he "its that I have to go to at two o'clock. HowNecthar itself, it is, so it is!" says he, wip-andiver, I musn't forget that we left his Riv'rence and his Holiness sitting fornenst | them-troth I had a'most forgot I wasn't a one another in the parlor ov the Vatican, jist afther mixing their second tumbler. When they had got well down into the same, they fell, as I was telling you, into larned discourse. For, you see, the Pope was curious to find out whether Father Tom was the great theologian all out that people said; and says he, " Mister Maguire," says he, "What answer do you make to the heretics when they quote them passidges agin thransubstantiation out ov the Fathers ?" says he. "Why," says his Riv'rence, as there is no sich passidges I make myself mighty asy about them; but if you want to know how I dispose ov them," says he, "jist repate one ov them, and I'll show you how to catapomphericate it in two shakes." "Why then," says the Pope, "myself disremimbers the particlar passidges they alledge out of them ould felleys," says he, though sure enough they're more numerous nor edifying-so we'll jist suppose that a heretic was to find sich a saying as this in Austin, 'Every sensible man knows that thransubstantiation is a lie,'- -or this out of Tertullian or Plutarch, 'the bishop ov Rome is a common imposther,'- -now tell me, could you answer him ?" "As easy as kiss," says his Riv'rence. "In the first, we're to understand that the exprission, 'Every sinsible man,' signifies simply, 'every man that judges by his nath'ral sinses;' and we all know that nobody folleying them seven deludhers could ever find out the mysthery that's in it, if somebody didn't come in to his assistance wid an eighth sinse, which is the only sinse to be depended on, being the sinse ov the Church. So that, regarding the first quotation which your Holiness has supposed, it makes clane for us, and tee-totally agin the heretics." "That's the explanation sure enough," says his Holiness; "and now what div you Bay to my being a common imposther?" "Faix, I think," says his Riv'rence, "wid all submission to the betther judgment ov the learned father that your Holiness has quoted, he'd have been a thrifle nearer the thruth, if he had said that the bishop ov Rome is the grand imposther and top-sawyer in that line over us all." "What do you mane ?" says the Pope, getting quite red in the face. "What would I mane," says his Riv'rence, as composed as a docther ov physic, "but that your Holiness is at the head ov all bishop myself," says he ("the deludher was going to say, at the head of all uz), that has the gift ov laying on hands. For sure," says he, "imposther and imposithir is all one, so you're only to undherstand manuum, and the job is done. Awouich!" says he, "if any heretic 'ud go for to cast up sich a passidge as that agin me, I'd soon give him a p'lite art ov cutting a stick to welt his own back wid." "Pon my apostolical word," says the Pope, "you've cleared up them two pints in a most satiswhactery manner." "You see," says his Riv'rence-by this time they wor mixing their third tumbler"the writings of them Fathers is to be thrated wid great veneration; and it 'ud be the height ov presumption in any one to sit down to interpret them widout providing himself wid a genteel assortment ov the best figures of rhetoric, sich as mettonymy, hyperbol, cattychraysis, prolipsis, mettylipsis, superbaton, pollysyndreton, hustheron protheron, prosodypeia and the like, in ordher that he may never be at a loss for shuitable sintiments when he comes to their high-flown passidges. For unless we thrate them Fathers liberally to a handsome allowance of thropes and figures, they'd set up heresy at onc't, so they would." 46 It's thrue for you," says the Pope; the figures ov spache is the pillars ov the Church." แ Bedad," says his Riv'rence, "I dunna what we'd do widout them at all." "Which one do you prefir?" says the Pope; "that is," says he," which figure of spache do you find most usefullest when you're hard set?" Metaphour's very good," says his Riv'rence, "and so's mettonymy-and I've known prosodypeia stand to me at a pinch mighty well-but for a constancy, superbaton's the figure for my money. Devil be in me," says he, "but I'd prove black white as fast as a horse 'ud throt wid only a good stock ov superbaton." "Faix," says the Pope, wid a sly look, "you'd need to have it backed, I judge, wid a small taste of assurance." "Well now, jist for that word," says his Riv'rence, "I'll prove it widout aither one or other. Black," says he, "is one thing and white is another thing. You don't conthravene that? But everything is aither one thing or another thing; I defy the apostle Paul to get over that dilemma. Well! If any thing be one thing, well and good; but if it be another thing, then it's plain it isn't both things, and so can't be two things-nobody can deny that. But what can't be two things must be one thing, -Ergo, whether it's one thing or another thing it's all one. But black is one thing and white is another thing,-Ergo, black and white is all one. Quod erat demonsthrandum." 66 "Stop a bit," says the Pope, "I can't althegither give in to your second minor -no-your second major," says he, and he stopped. 'Faix, then,' says he, getting confused, "I don't rightly remimber where it was exactly that I thought I seen the flaw in your premises. Howsomdiver, says he, "I don't deny that's it's a good conclusion, and one that 'ud be ov materi'l service to the Church if it was dhrawn wid a little more distinctiveness." "I'll make it as plain as the nose on your Holiness's face, by superbaton," says his Riv'rence. My adversary says black is not another colour, that is, white? Now that's jist a parallel passidge wid the one out ov Tartullian that me and Hayes smashed the heretics on in Clarendon Sthreet." "This is my body,' that is, the figure ov my body. That's a superbaton, and we showed that it oughtn't to be read that way at all, but this way, 'This figure of my body is my body.' Jist so wid my adversary's proposition; it mustn't be undherstood the way it reads, by no manner of manes; but it's to be taken this way, Black, that is, white, is not another colour,'-green, if you like, or orange, by dad, for anything I care, for my case is proved. Black,' that is, 'white,' lave out the 'that,' by sinnalayphy, and you have the orthodox conclusion, 'Black is white,' or by convarsion, White is black." "It's as clear as mud," says the Pope. "Bedad," says his Riv'rence, "I'm in great humour for disputin' to-night. I wisht your Holiness was a heretic jist for two minutes," says he, "till you'd see the flaking I'd give you!" "Well then, for the fun of the thing, suppose me my namesake, if you like," says the Pope, laughing, though, by Jayminy," says he, "he's not one that I'd take much pride out ov." "Very good-devil a betther joke ever I had," says his Riv'rence. "Come, then, Misther Pope," says he, "hould up that purty face ov yours, and answer me this question. Which 'ud be the biggest lie if I said I seen a turkey-cock lying on the broad ov his back, and picking the stars out ov the sky, or if I was to say that I seen a gandher in the same intherestin' posture, raycreating himself wid similar asthronomical experiments? Answer me that, you ould swaddler?" says he. "How durst you call me a swaddler, sir?" says the Pope, forgetting, the dear man, the part that he was acting. "Don't think for to bully me!" says his Riv'rence. "I always daar to spake the truth, and it's well known that you're nothing but a swaddling ould sinner ov a saint," says he, never letting on to persave that his Holiness had forgot what they were agreed on. "By all that's good," says the Pope, "I often heard ov the imperance ov you Irish afore," says he, "but I never expected to be called a saint in my own house, either by Irishman or Hottentot. I'll tell you what, Misther Maguire," says he, "if you can't keep a civil tongue in your head, you had betther be walking off wid yourself; for I beg lave to give you to undherstand, that it won't be for the good ov your health if you call me by sich an outprobrious epithet again," says he. "Oh, indeed! then things is come to a purty pass," says his Riv'rence (the dear funny soul that he ever was!) "when the likes ov you compares one ov the Maguires ov Tempo wid a wild Ingine! Why, man alive, the Maguires was kings ov Fermanagh three thousand years afore your grandfather, that was the first ov your breed that ever wore shoes and stockings" (I'm bound to say, in justice to the poor Prodesan, that this was all spoken by his Riv'rence by way of a figure ov spache), was sint his Majesty's arrand to cultivate the friendship of Prince Lee Boo in Botteney Bay! Oh Bryan dear," says he, letting on to cry, "if you were alive to hear a boddagh Sassenagh like this casting up his country to one ov the name ov Maguire !" "In the name ov God," says the Pope, very solemniously, "what is the maning ov all this at all at all?" says he. "Sure," says his Riv'rence, whispering to him across the table, sure you know we're acting a conthrawarsy, and you tuck the part of the Prodesan champion. You wouldn't be angry wid me, I'm sure, for sarving out the heretic to the best of my ability." "Oh begad, I had forgot," says the Pope, the good-natured ould crethur; sure enough you were only taking your part, as a good Milesian Catholic ought, agin the heretic Sassanagh. Well," says he, "fire away now, and I'll put up wid as many conthroversial compliments as you plase to pay me." "Well, then, answer me my question, you santimonious ould dandy," says his Riv'rence. "In troth, then," says the Pope, "I dunna which 'ud be the biggest lie; to my mind," says he, "the one appears to be about as big a bounce as the other." CHAPTER III. HOW FATHER TOM MADE A HARE OF HIS Он, Docther Whately, Docther Whately, I'm sure I'll never die another death, if I don't die aither ov consumption or pro duction! I ever and always thought that asthronomy was the hardest science that was till now-and, it's no lie I'm telling you, the same asthronomy is a tough enough morsel to brake a man's fast upon-and geolidgy is middling hard too-and hydherastatics "Why, then, you poor simpleton," says is no joke, but ov all the books ov science his Riv'rence, don't you persave that, that ever was opened and shut, that book forbye the advantage the gandher 'ud have upon Pilitical Econimy lifts the pins! Well, in the length ov his neck, it 'ud be next to well, if they wait till they persuade me that onpossible for the turkey-cock lying thata- taking a man's rints out ov the counthry, way to see what he was about, by rason ov and spinding them in forrain parts isn't dohis djollars and other accouthrements hang- ing us out ov the same, they'll wait a long ing back over his eyes? The one about as time in troth. But you're waiting, I see, to big a bounce as the other! Oh, you mis- hear how his Riv'rence and his Holiness got fortunate crethur! if you had ever learned on after finishing the disputation I was tellyour A B C in theology, you'd have known ing you of. Well, you see, my dear, when that there's a differ betuxt them two lies so the Pope found he couldn't hould a candle great, that, begad, I wouldn't wondher if it to Father Tom in theology and logic, he ud make a balance ov five years in purga- thought he'd take the shine out ov him in thory to the sowl that 'ud be in it. Ay, Latin any how: so says he, "Misther Maand if it wasn't that the Church is too lib-guire," says he, "I quite agree wid you that eral entirely, so she is, it 'ud cost his heirs and succissors betther nor ten pounds to have him out as soon as the other. Get along, man, and take half-a-year at dogmatical theology: go and read your Dens, you poor dunce, you!" Raaly," says the Pope, "you're making the heretic's shoes too hot to hould me. I wundher how the Prodesans can stand afore you at all." "Don't think to delude me," says his Riv'rence, "don't think to back out of your challenge now," says he, "but come to the scratch like a man, if you are a man, and answer me my question. What's the rason, now, that Julius Cæsar and the Vargin Mary was born upon the one day-answer me that if you wouldn't be hissed off the platform?" Well, my dear, the Pope couldn't answer it, and he had to acknowledge himself sacked. Then he axed his Riv'rence to tell him the rason himself; and Father Tom communicated it to him in Latin. But as that is a very deep question, I never hard what the answer was, except that I'm tould it was so mysterious, it made the Pope's hair stand on end. But there's two o'clock, and I'll be late for the lecthir. it's not lucky for us to be spaking on them deep subjects in sich langidges as the evil spirits is acquainted wid; and," says he, "I think it 'ud be no harm for us to spake from this out in Latin," says he, "for fraid the devil 'ud undherstand what we are saying." "Not a hair I care," says Father Tom, "whether he undherstands what we're say ing or not, as long as we keep off that last pint we wor discussing, and one or two others. Listners never hear good ov them. selves," says he, "and if Belzhebub takes any thing amiss that aither you or me says in regard ov himself or his faction, let him stand forrid like a man, and never fear, I'll give him his answer. Howandiver, if it's for a taste ov classic conwersation you are, jist to put us in mind ov ould Cordarius," says he, "here's at you ;" and wid that he lets fly at his Holiness wid his health in Latin. he. "Vesthræ Sanctitatis salutem volo," says "Vesthræ Revirintiæ salubritati bibo," says the Pope to him again (faith, it's no joke, I tell you, to remimber sich a power ov larning). "Here's to you wid the same," says the Pope, in the raal Ciceronian. "Nunc poculum alterhum imple," says he. |