Mr. Bellows, in finishing his song, had been vociferously encored. "Bill, what's that chap brought back for?" "Why, he sung his song so badly, that they are going to make him do it all over again," replied Harry.

An Irishman expressing how cheerful roads were made by milestones, suggested that it would be an improvement if they were nearer together.

Curran was one day engaged in a case in which he had for a colleague a remarkably tall and slender gentleman, who had originally intended to take orders. The Judge observing that the case under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical law, Curran interposed with, "I can refer your lordship to a high authority behind me, who was once intended for the church, though in my opinion he is fitter for the steeple."

The Doctor says if Mr. Jones lives until the morning, he shall have some hopes of him, but if he don't, he must give him up.

In Wales a sign board reads: "Take notice, that when this board is under water, the road is impassable."

Three men swore before a justice that they saw the accused steal a pig. Ten men were produced who swore that they had not seen the theft. The magistrate was puzzled, but said: "In this country the majority rule. I discharge the defendant."

A countryman examining a cane-seat chair, said: "I wonder what chap took the trouble to find all them holes and put that straw around them."

Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a pension from the French king, on the interest of Cardinal Richelieu, the cardinal told him he hoped he would not forget the word pension in his dictionary. "No, my lord," said Vaugelas, "nor the word gratitude."

Two countrymen, who had never seen a play in their lives, nor had any notion of it, went to the theatre in Drury Lane, where they placed themselves sung in the corner of the middle gallery; the first music played, which they liked well enough; then the second and third, to their great satisfaction: at length the curtain drew up, and three or four actors entered to begin the play; upon which one of the country. men cried to the other, "Come Jamie, let's be going, mayhap the gentlemen are talking about business."

What word by changing one letter becomes its opposite? United-Untied.

Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him? Because he had no knife.

When is a lawyer like a beast of burden? When drawing a conveyance.

What is that which you can keep, after giving to some one else? Your word.

Was mother Eve high or low church? Adam thought her Evangelical.

Why is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow? Because he has such winning ways.

What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle-tree.

What great Scotchman would you name if a footman knocked at the door? John Knox.

Why is a pretty girl like an excellent mirror? She's a good looking lass.

What affection do landlords most appreciate? Parental. (pay-rental.)

Why is a pig with a curly continuation, like the ghost of Hamlet's father? Because he could a tale unfold.

Why are the nose and chin at continual variance? Because words are always passing between them.

Why is a person with his eyes closed like a defective school-master? He keeps his pupils in darkness.

Who dares sit before the Queen with his hat on? The coachman.

When are two apples alike? When pared.

Why is a bad epigram like a useless pencil? Because it has no point.

Why is a bed cover like a blister? Because it is a counterpane.

Why was Adam the happiest of husbands? Because he had no mother-in-law.

Why does tying a slow horse to a post improve his pace? It makes him fast.

Why are gloves unsalable articles? Because they are made to be kept on hand.

"Yes, madame, I was only twenty years old when my father determined to make me leave Paris and return to the country, cut off my supplies and left me only fifty francs a month."

“And did you manage to live on that?"

"Yes, madame; not only did I manage to live on that paltry sum, but to get into debt as well."

A Galveston school teacher asked a new boy: "If a carpenter wants to cover a roof fifteen feet wide by thirty broad, with shingles five feet broad by twelve long, how many shingles will he need?"

The boy took up his hat and slid for the door.

"Where are you going?" asked the teacher.

"To find a carpenter. He ought to know that better than any of we fellers."

This is the last rose of summer, as the man said when he got out of bed on the morning of Aug. 31.

A precocious boy asked, the other day, " Mamma, if I eat dates enough will I grow up to be an almanac ?"

An English turfman visiting Mount Vernon engaged in conversation with a native and after a few preliminary remarks observed: "I dare say Mr. Washington didn't care much for 'orses. You cawn't tell me, I suppose, if he was hever a 'orse breaker?" The Virginian eyed him a few seconds doubtfully and then answered: "I ain't much on history, but to the best of my recollection the General was a lion tamer."

A gentleman, who had no umbrella and who had just come into town on a local train, perceived before him as he stepped into the street a person whom he took to be an acquaintance and who had a fine new umbrella hoisted over his head. Running up to him, therefore, he clapped him on the shoulder, saying, as he did so, by way of a joke: "I'll take that umbrella, if you please." The individual thus addressed looked around and disclosed a perfect stranger, but before the other could apologize he said, hurriedly: "Oh, it's yours, is it? Well I didn't know that. Here, you can have it," and broke away, leaving the utensil in the hands of the first party to the conversation.

"Put no fulsome compliments on my tombstone," said a wag. "Don't give me any epitaffy.”

A certain individual being somewhat short and somewhat dry, walked into a store and purchased three biscuits. Before paying, seeing that the worthy shopkeeper had cider, he came to the conclusion that he was more dry than hungry, and asked permission to swap the biscuits for the cider. Finishing the cider with an appreciatory smack of the lips, he turned on his heel to go out, when the shopkeeper said: Come, pay me for the cider." "Didn't I swap the biscuits for the cider?" said the other. "Well, then, pay me for the biscuits," said the puzzled trader. "Haven't you got them on the shelf? What are you hindering me for? My time's valuable." And off he went.

66

A young man, with an umbrella, overtook an unprotected lady acquaintance in a rain-storm recently, and extending his umbrella over her, requested the pleasure of acting as her rain-beau. "Oh," exclaimed the young lady, taking his arm, "you wish me to be your rain-dear!"

A lady, engaged to be married, and getting sick of her bargain, applied to a friend to help her untie the knot before it was too late. "Oh, certainly," she replied; “it is very easy to untie it now while it is only a beau knot."

"Heroine" is, perhaps, as peculiar a word as any in our language: the first two letters of it are male, the first three are female, the first four are a brave man, and the whole word makes a brave woman.

A politician who had suddenly become very wealthy, recently attended a dinner-party at which there was the usual fillet of beef with mushrooms. While engaged upon the beef he whispered to his neighbor, “Do you eat the clothespin heads too?"

"Oh, Franky," exclaimed a mother who was taking din. ner at a neighbor's, “I never knew you to ask for a second piece of pie at home!" "'Cause I knew 'twas no use," mumbled Franky as he filled his mouth.

"Have you any butter, pure butter, upon your honor?" "Well, as you put it to me that way, mem, I'm afraid I must say I haven't. The butter's adulterated with oleomargarine, I'm told." "Then I'll try the oleomargarine alone. They say in the house it's perfectly wholesome." "Well, mem, there you have me again. The oleomargarine would bẹ wholesome, only it's adulterated with butter, you know."

"The baby has got a new tooth, but the old lady is laid up with a cold in the head," remarked a gentleman to a defeated candidate. "What do I care?" was the reply. "Well," said the gentleman, “before the election you used to take me aside and ask me how my family was coming on, and I've been hunting you all over town to tell you, and that's the way you talk to me. But it don't make any difference. I voted for the other candidate, anyhow."

Columbus made the egg stand, but Italians of less renown have made the peanut stand.

Noah Webster was a celebrated author. He was a quick and ready writer, and in one of his inspired moments he dashed off a dictionary. He took it to several publishers, but they shied at it, saying the style was dull, turgid, dry, hard and uninteresting, and besides, that he used too many big words. But at last Noah succeeded, and the immortal work is in daily use, propping up babies at the dinner table.

An old lady who had been reading the health-officer's weekly reports thought that "Total" must be an awfully malignant disease, since as many die of it as all the rest put together.

"There are too many women in the world; sixty thouBand more women than men in Massachusetts," growled the husband. That is the 'survival of the fittest,' my dear," replied the wife.

66

Some one asked Lord Bacon what he thought of poets?" "Why," said he, "I think them the very best writers next to those who write prose."