CHAPTER XIV. MISCELLANEOUS EXTRACTS FROM HIS DIARY. THE Journal begins March 15, 1849. "I am now sixty-four years of age, and am reminded by the number of days I have lived, my infirmities, and the changes made by death all around me, that the time of my departure cannot be far distant. Surely it becomes me to use the greatest diligence to do good to my fellowmen, and make my own calling and election sure. O, my heavenly Father, be thou my constant Guide and my everlasting Friend! "O, for stronger faith, deeper humility, greater meekness, and more disinterested benevolence to God and man. I often fear that I have never yet begun to know experimentally the blessedness of a holy life. Yet, unless I am greatly deceived, I long for holiness more than for any temporal good. I think also, that Christ, in his character and offices, is my chief dependence, and precious to my soul." "Saturday Evening, March 17. — The evening is pleasant, with a brilliant Aurora Borealis; the evening star glitters in its fairest lustre, and the heavens emphatically declare the glory of God. If the visible firmament be so beautiful, what must be that world where the brightest, holiest intelligences are collected together, to receive their everlasting reward!" "March 18. A beautiful Sabbath morning. I am expecting to preach this day on Jesus Christ as the hope of his people. May I feel the precious theme; and may his people be interested and fed by the word. Lord, assist and bless me in every duty, and be gracious to all thy ministers, by making them faithful and successful. Let the whole earth be filled with thy glory. Amen. Let faith and love possess and rule this heart of mine. Amen. "P. M. After the close of the public services. The attendance has been good, and many have appeared to listen with interest to the word. I had some affecting views of God and the Redeemer. I was enabled to preach with some freedom; and think I was not without some gracious assistance in prayer. Alas! my unbelief, my inconstancy! Do I not feel sin to be a burden? Do I not long for deliverance from its power? O Lord, thou knowest. Have mercy upon me, upon my family, upon the afflicted, upon all my people, upon my country, upon the whole militant church, and upon the world of mankind. Amen." "March 30.—I have had this morning some inward trials from the weakness of my faith. I need wisdom for conducting aright my common worldly concerns. May I trust in God, in the way of duty, for the supply of my temporal as well as spiritual wants. Self-denial for myself, and benevolence towards others, are the principles by which I should regulate my life. I ought to avoid needless expense, to be prudent in the employment of means in my possession, and at the same time to feel that nothing is more sordid than avarice, or habitual selfindulgence of any kind. Conscious of numerous imperfections and sins, I think I desire to be more like Christ in meekness, benevolence, and every virtue. Veni Salvator." "March 31.-The clouds are in a considerable degree dispersed this morning; the sun occasionally appears, and there is the prospect of fair weather after the storm. So it is ever in this life; and it is doubtless true that all the tempests by which the creation is agitated and darkened, are but preparatory to the brighter manifestation of the divine glory. No events are casual or useless; all are but links in that golden chain of benevolence, which reaches from heaven to earth and embraces the universe. Had, before I arose, some just sense, I trust, of my entire dependence on God; and some sweet views of redemption, through the divine and incarnate Saviour. 'Redemption! 'twas creation more sublime; May all I see of God animate me to faith and duty. "P. M. I have read the thirteenth and fourteenth chapters of John's gospel in the original. How sweetly wonderful the account of the condescension of Jesus, in washing the feet of his disciples, and the instruction he grounded on that act! His conduct and his words appear to me truly divine. Lord, am I mistaken, when I think that I contemplate thee with a love at once adoring and tender, - that, sinful and unworthy as I am, I desire to tread in thy footsteps, and would fain dwell forever in thy blissful and holy presence? Is it not my sincere prayer,- O that the world might know thine excellency?" "April 1, P. M. I have preached all day from 1 John, v. 10, on the inward witness to the truth and divinity of the gospel. I had some satisfaction in the exercises. The gospel is truly a glorious gospel." "April 2.—When lying awake in the night, I was too anxious, as I am apt to be, with respect to my worldly circumstances. The illustrations of Christ, from God's care of the lilies and the fowls, were peculiarly affecting to my mind, after these disquietudes. They toil not, neither do they spin.' Will God feed the very birds, and will he not take care of his children who rely upon his care and faithfulness? I know, Lord, whatever may become of me and mine, that thou wilt direct all events in a manner becoming thy blessed self. 'Thy love in times past Forbids me to think, Thou wilt leave me at last In sorrow to sink.' Teach me to do my duty in all relations, and then cheerfully submit myself, and all my concerns, to thy wise and benevolent disposal. How foolish, as well as sinful, is a discontented, worldly mind!' "April 16.- My wife, frequently of late, expresses fears that she is not a real Christian. She finds it difficult to embrace with strong faith the glorious Redeemer. Lord, enlighten the eyes of her mind, and grant her solid peace in thee. As we advance in years, may we be making progress toward heaven, and may we at last attain to a perfect union of holiness and blessedness in thy kingdom. For myself, I need far clearer evidences of my adoption, that I may be prepared with comfort to pass over Jordan. My very deceitful heart will destroy me, unless sovereign, infinite grace prevent. I see the amplitude of the provisions of the gospel, and the freeness of its invitations, and, at times, it seems to me that it is very precious in my eyes; and still I continue to live at a poor dying rate. How feeble is my sense of the infinite odiousness of sin, committed against the holy and glorious God! How languid my efforts in religion! I wonder how they, who, seeing their own hearts, deny divine sovereignty and electing love, can have any hope of their final salvation." 'April 18.—I hope I have had some sense this morning of God, as a most gracious Father, and the exhaustless Fountain of love. But, O, how low, how inadequate are my highest conceptions of his excellency and glory! I spent most of the morning after nine o'clock, and not far from an hour in the afternoon, in writing for the pulpit. "In the evening I preached a lecture from Matthew v. 5, showing the character of the meek, and the promise made to them in the text. It is a rainy, dark evening, and the attendance was unusually thin. Indeed few have been present at these meetings during the winter. I doubt the expediency of continuing them, while such stupidity prevails in the church and among the people at large. I trust it is not an unwillingness to labor for Christ, which occasions this doubt in my mind. I habitually attend a prayer-meeting during the week, in addition to the lecture on Wednesday evening. Lord, teach me, and dispose me to do, in reference to this matter, what will be pleasing to thee, and most for the good of thy people." "April 19, half past 1 o'clock. —I have written about three hours, and finished my third lecture on James. "After writing the above, I walked for exercise about three miles around the third street; and on my return called on Mr. J. S., and there found his daughter, Mrs. S. C., who for some time past has professed to hope that she has become an heir of heaven. After some personal conversation with her and her mother, I crossed the street to Mr. G. H.'s, where I saw and talked with G. G. on the subject of religion, in connection with his late affliction, in the death of a child, and where I prayed with the family. "I had, on my walk, some serious thoughts with respect to my own hope. I cannot trust myself at all. Lord, help me! Jesus, I would come to thee, all polluted as I am, and plead thine atoning blood and perfect righteousness. Let sovereign, superabounding grace be magnified in me, a loathsome, hell-deserving sinner. Abhor me not, though truly I deserve to be utterly abhorred. 'There is a fountain filled with blood, Drawn from Immanuel's veins; And sinners plunged beneath that flood, Lose all their guilty stains.' "In the evening I attended the weekly meeting for prayer at the It was a solemn season. I am far too selfish in worthy to be loved with all the heart, whatever house of Capt. J. B. my religion. God is may become of me." "April 20. — I have spent most of the day in reading the 'Puritan,' and the April number of the 'Princeton Review.' The article on Bushnell's Discourses is very discriminating, unanswerable. The writer states in a very luminous manner, what I believe to be the scriptural doctrines of the Trinity, and the Incarnation of Christ. "After 9 o'clock, P. M.—The papers bring us the intelligence of the defeat of Charles Albert by the Austrians, and of his abdication. The event seems disastrous to continental liberty and the Protestant interest. But popery is doomed, sooner or later, to perish; and God will make all events contribute to the accomplishment of his gracious designs concerning the Church. Hasten, O Lord, the spiritual emancipation of the world." "April 21. Saturday. — I have selected my discourses for to-morrow, and spent some time in reading. "I have had some thoughts on the moral relationship of all Christians to Abraham. He was called in sovereignty, - was justified by faith-relied on the promises - had intimate communion with Godhad many severe afflictions — manifested his faith by his works-with all his imperfections, enjoyed a safe-conduct through life — became a blessing to the world—and entered at last into Paradise. In all these respects, all other saints are like Abraham. There is an essential oneness of character and privileges in all the redeemed." "April 29.-Lord's day. The goodness of God shines forth in all his works. May his goodness be seen and felt by all his rational creatures in this world of hope! "20 minutes before 9 o'clock. - Before breakfast I was sent for at the request of Miss Shepard, a member of the academy, at Mr. Dudley Smith's, being very sick with a fever, and apparently in a dying state. I found her with very alarming symptoms; her breathing quite laborious, and her countenance indicating extreme sickness. I asked her respecting her feelings, and she said to me, 'I can't die, I am not prepared.' She spoke of her great sinfulness, and wished me to be very full in pointing out the way of salvation. I endeavored to describe the exercises implied in repentance; mentioned God's goodness in the gift of a Saviour; told her of the amplitude of the atonement, and urged her compliance with the terms of the gospel. She told me at length, with apparent emotion, that she thought she did receive Christ; that he was near; that he seemed smiling upon her. She said, 'How could I treat him as I have done?' The family were called into the room, and I attempted to pray with her. Were not her repentance that of a sick-bed, I should take much encouragement. As it is, I am not altogether without hope that she has been truly humbled at the foot of the cross. She seems to be beloved by the family, as a modest, exemplary young woman. So far as I can judge, she places no dependence on her morality for acceptance with God. But it is infinitely hazardous, as well as criminal, to postpone preparation for death to a dying-bed. I learned at the close of the morning service that Miss Shepard died at eight o'clock." 66 ‘April 30. — After 10 o'clock I went to Northampton. Being overtaken in the meadow by Mr. Walter Newton, I rode with him, both going and returning. We conversed much on religion. He has long been taught the value and necessity of the doctrines of election and divine sovereignty from his own experience." "May 1. I have had this morning some solemn and affecting views of Christ, and some tenderness in praying for divine guidance to the end, for myself and my beloved wife. - P. M. I have written about three hours this day, in preparation for the pulpit. I called this afternoon upon Mrs. J. J., and at Mr. F. C.'s. I prayed at both houses. At Mr. Cook's I found the grandmother of his wife, who is ninety-three years of age, and, I trust, an Israelite indeed. I took tea at Mr. James Porter's, in company with Deacon and Mrs. Williams. The visit was closed by reading a portion of Scripture and by prayer. "I read this evening before family prayers the 27th and 28th chapters of Matthew. The wonderful events there recorded may well enkindle in my breast the most adoring gratitude and love. May thy vicarious sufferings, Lord, In sweet subjection unto thee, Whose death is life and heaven to me. And in thy resurrection, too, May I arise from sin - to view The glories which thou hast procured, For those who love and trust thy word."" |