"When

A Quaker's advice to his son on his wedding-day: thee went a courting, I told thee to keep thy eyes wide open. Now that thee is married, I tell thee to keep them half-shut."

"Colonel," said a man who wanted to make out a genealogical tree, "Colonel, how can I become thoroughly acquainted with my family history?" Simply by running for Congress," answered the colonel.

66

Mistress (horrified).—“Good gracious, Bridget, have you been using one of my stockings to strain the coffee through?' Bridget (apologetically).—“Yis, mum; but sure I didn't take a clane one!"

"Don't stand on ceremony, come in," said a lady to an old farmer who had called to see her husband. "My goodness, excuse me, marm," exclaimed the old man, "I thort I were a standin' on the door mat."

"Do I look anything like you, Mr. Jones?" inquired Cauliflower. "I hope not," was the reply. "Did a man take you for me?" "Yes." "Where is he? I must lick him." Oh, he's dead. I shot him on the spot."

"I've written a new play," said an æsthetic young Philadelphian last week, addressing a lady noted for her wit and beauty. "Indeed; and what is its title?" she asked. "Before the dawn," said he. "Keep it dark," was her witty and crushing rejoinder.

Scientists have discovered worms in fishes, and are bothering their brains to know how they came there. Very simple. We have fed something less than a million worms to fishes ourselves. All that is necessary is to put a worm on a hook, drop it into the water, and the fishes will eat it off as clean as a whistle. Worms in fishes! It is a wonder they aren't swimming bait boxes.

"You are weak," said a woman to her son who was remonstrating against her marrying again. "Yes, mother,' he replied, "I am so weak that I can't go a step-father."

A Frenchman, being afflicted with the gout, was asked what difference there was between that and the rheumatism. "One very great difference,” replied Monsieur; “suppose you take one vice, you put your finger in, you turn de screw, till you bear him no longer-dat is ze rheumatis; den, spose you give him one turn more, dat is ze gout."

"How does that soot you?" asked the chimney. "I think that you are a thing of flues habits," answered the poker. When a colored man has a fever, is he a fever nagur patient?

One of the managers of a hospital asked an Irish nurse which he considered the most dangerous of the many cases then in the hospital. "That, sir," said Patrick, as he pointed to a case of surgical instruments on the table.

The story of a millionaire is always a capital one.

A country doctor on being asked what was the best way to cure a ham, remarked that before answering that question he should want to know what ailed the ham.

If a

It would never do to elect women to all offices. female sheriff should visit the residence of a handsome man and explain to his jealous wife that she had an attachment for him, there would be a vacancy of that office in about two minutes.

"Lemmy, you're a pig," said a farmer to his son, who was five years old. Now, do you know what a pig is, Lemmy," "Yes, sir; a pig is a hog's little boy."

A man said he sung as well as most men in England, and thus proved it; the most men in England do not sing well, therefore I sing as well as most men in England.

Two country attorneys overtaking a wagoner, with two span of horses, and, thinking to be witty at his expense, asked him, “How it happened that his forward horses were so fat, and the rear ones so lean?" The wagoner, knowing them, answered that his fore span were lawyers, and the other-clients.

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SUPPLEMENT TO

One Hundred Choice Selections, No. 6

CONTAINING

SENTIMENTS For Public Occasions;

WITTICISMS For Home Enjoyment;

LIFE THOUGHTS For Private Reflection;

FUNNY SAYINGS For Social Pastime, &c.

The perfect woman is as beautiful as she is strong, as tender as she is sensible. She is calm, deliberate, dignified, leisurely. She is gay, graceful, sprightly, sympathetic. She is severe upon occasion, and upon occasion playful. She has fancies, dreams, romances, ideas. She organizes neatness, and order, and comfort, but they are merely the foundation whereon rises the temple of her home, beautiful for situation, the joy of the whole earth. Gail Hamilton.

Flowers are the emblems and manifestations of God's love to the creation, and they are the means and ministrations of man's love to his fellow-creatures, for they first awaken in the mind a sense of the beautiful and good.

Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. Holmes.

Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds carry their terrible consequences, quite apart from any fluctuations that went before-consequences that are hardly ever confined to ourselves. And it is best to fix our minds on that certainty, instead of considering what may be the elements of excuse for us. George Eliot.

Passions act as wind to propel our vessel, and our reason is the pilot that steers her; without the wind we could not move, and without the pilot we should be lost.

No ignorant, no indolent, no irreligious people can ever be permanently a free people.

Thomas G. Alvord.

A noble man compares and estimates himself by an idea which is higher than himself, and a mean man by one which is lower than himself. The one produces aspiration; the other, ambition. Ambition is the way in which a vulgar man aspires. Beecher.

In ancient days the most celebrated precept was, “Know thyself;" in modern times it has been supplanted by the more fashionable maxim, “Know thy neighbor, and everything about him." Johnson.

Mere thought convinces; feeling always persuades. If imagination furnishes the fact with wings, feeling is the great stout muscle which plies them, and lifts him from the ground. Thought sees beauty, emotion feels it. Theodore Parker.

Work and play are the universal ordinance of God for the living races, in which they symbolize the fortune and interpret the errand of man. No creature lives that must not work and may not play. Horace Bushnell,

The cure for gossip is culture. Good-natured people often talk about their neighbors, because they have nothing else to talk about.

Curiosity is not the monopoly of sex.

J. G. Holland.

Joaquin Miller.

Idleness does more to reduce the average length of human life than the full normal exercise of one's industrial energies. In other words, more men and women rust out than wear out.

This world is simply the threshold of our vast life,-the first stepping-stone from non-entity into the boundless expanse of possibility. It is the infant-school of the soul. T. Starr King.

Look up and not down, look forward and not back, look out and not in, and lend a hand. Edward Everett Hale.

Holmes.

Apology is only egotism wrong side out. The little I have seen of the world, and know of the history of mankind, teaches me to look upon the errors of others in sorrow, not in anger. I would fain leave the erring soul of my fellow-man with Him from whose hands it came. Longfellow.

Whatever may be conceded to the influence of refined education on minds of peculiar structure, reason and experience both forbid us to expect that national morality can prevail in exclusion of religious principles. Washington.

We hold these truths self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Thomas Jefferson.

It certainly cannot be affirmed that we in America, any more than persons or peoples elsewhere, have reached as yet the ideal state, of private liberty combined with a perfect public order, or of culture complete, and a supreme character. The political world, as well as the religious, since Christ was on earth, looks forward, not backward, for its millennium. R. S. Storrs.

Who is not proud to be an American? Lives there to-day, anywhere, a man of any station in life, of any order of intelligence, of any sojourn in any other climes, of any creed or faith, of any political opinions, of any section, who does not stand more erect and bear himself more lofty, when able to say that he is an American citizen. Fernando Wood.

Danger from party there can never be if men will be tolerant; if parties are founded on great principles and the individual members will think and reason for themselves. He who does not do this, but blindly and unthinkingly yields to party behests, even though he lives in a free government, is not a free man. B. K. Elliott.

Wealth and luxury are sources of weakness rather than strength if not accompanied by intellectual vigor and moral rectitude.

Sooner or later, by the very discipline which their errors, with the consequent sufferings, enforce, men will learn the art of self-government and the secret of that art, when learned, will be little else than the wiser head and warmer heart and more helpful hand of a developed manhood. R. A. Holland. The nation which educates its men according to the best type of manhood should rank as the foremost of the earth. Hugh M. Thompson.

live in.

The height of ability consists in a thorough knowledge of the real value of things, and of the genius of the age we La Rochefoucauld. That which we acquire with the most difficulty we retain the longest; as those who have earned a fortune are usually more careful of it than those who have inherited one.

Colton.