"Here!-where?"-the lady in surprise "Here she goes-and there she goes !" His wife surveyed him with alarm, The "Here she goes—and there she goes!” "Lawks!" screamed the wife, "I'm in a whirl!' Till one proposed he should be bled, "No-leached you mean," the other said Clap on a blister" roared another, "No-cup him "-"no-trepan him, brother!" A sixth would recommend a purge, The next would an emetic urge, The eighth, just come from a dissection, A certain cure for earthly ills; "I had a patient yesternight," Quoth he, "and wretched was her plight, "Here she goes-and there she goes LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. BY JAMES N. BARKER. SHE was, indeed, a pretty little creature, -The wolf, indeed! 1827. With our most kind preceptress, Mrs. Bazely. That met poor little Red Riding Hood i' the wood? -Hidden: nay, I'm not so young, but I can spell it out, And thus it is: Children, when sent on errands, -Thus then, dear, my daughter: -Then sleep, ma'am, if you please, As you did yesterday, in that sweet spot Down by the fountain; where you seated you To read the last new novel-what d'ye call'tThe Prairie, was it not? -It was, my love; -No, believe me. -You're a dear child! -And then, To gaze on such a scene! the grassy bank, And sprinkled o'er with springflowers of each tint. Sylph-like, the light fantastic columbine, As ready to leap down unto her lover Of green and crimson. -Tut! enough, enough, Your madcap fancy runs too riot, girl. -Will you shut -Poor Red Riding Hood! -Thus it is: -In ravenous appetite, -I shall remember, -You'll do wisely. Nor e'er in field or forest, plain or pathway, Shall he from me know whither I am going, Or whisper that he'll meet me. -That's my child. -Nor, in my grandam's cottage, nor elsewhere, Will I e'er lift the latch for him myself, Or bid him pull the bobbin. THE GIRL WITH THE GUN, AND THE MAN'S FRIGHT. PERHAPS the reader might wish to know what became of Mr. Van Vacuum? Let it be remembered, that this unfortunate foreigner was not legally bound to engage in the battle; that he was impressed into the service; and that he could not, therefore, be expected to have much stomach for the business. In point of fact, he declined fighting altogether. It may be, that, having adopted Ovid's comparison of Love and War, he carried the parallelism throughout, and since, in the former, as his master says cedendo abibis victor-so in the latter he took it for granted, that the way to conquer, was to run. Run he did, at all events; and a soliloquy, which he uttered, after the battle was ended, will best let the reader into his state of feeling on the subject. He had secreted himself among some rocks, which bordered the Round Pond mentioned by Sergeant Rigmarole; and when, through an opening in the woods, he saw the Mingoes fairly vanish over the summit of Back-bone Ridge, he ventured forth: words, it should seem, contained only the disjecta membra of his thoughts: "Good!-It would work-as Hotspur says, an excellent plot-it would bring her to terms-Ovid exactly-could I only meet Both tongue and feet of the soliloquist were here arrested. He was turning the point of a rock, when his eye encountered an object, that brought the prospect of accomplishing his present purposes much nearer than he had anticipated. It was Mary Blaxton herself. The reader has already been informed that she left her mother's house soon after hearing the news of Captain Homebred's fate. Round Pond was one of her favorite resorts; and she was now sitting where she had often sat beforeon a sort of natural seat in the rocks; the ground descending from her feet in a gentle declivity to the edge of the water. She was reclining a little to the right; her head resting upon her right hand, and her right elbow being supported by a rock. Between the thumb and forefinger of her left hand she was unconsciously rolling the sprig of some bush, which she had as unconsciously plucked on the way. Her head was concealed from view by a large bonnet, which had been prescribed by her mother as a shield against the sun. From the direction of this article, it was evident, that Mary was intently gazing into the bosom of the pond; though the probability is, that her thoughts were employed upon a far different subject. "Good bye to you, my Knights of the Copper Countenance!" said he, as the last Mingo disappeared from view. "I'm glad there was no need of my assistance to make you scamper over the hills. I shall live to fight another day-but not with you, or the like of you, if my will be done. I have no opinion of fighting at chance-medley in the woods-of playing at this kind of hide-and-go-seek with a parcel of savages. But, now, these Americans like the sport. They care no more for the yell After recovering from the first shock at meeting of an Indian than I do for the peep of a chicken. I this sight, Mr. Van Vacuum advanced cautiously looked into the rascals' faces as we were making our towards the contemplative maiden; and, to such a way in the woods; and though I thought my whole distance in front of her face did her bonnet project, substance would run in perspiration through the that he was enabled to approach within a dozen pores of my skin, I could not see that one of them steps of her before she became sensible that any was in the slightest degree affected by their situa-person was near. He rushed briskly into her prestion. The fact is, they are savages themselves; ence; and, presenting his musket in due form, said— and I shall so write them down in my book. They, "We soldiers always present arms in the presence I shall remark, with oracular gravity, They who of our commanders-and you know, Miss Mary, I fight like savages must themselves be savages. He am always your humble servant to command." who has no other tactics than that of dodging behind trees and bushes, though a white man at the surface, must be an Indian at the bottom-and so forth, and so forth. Then they are as simple as savages. An Englishman can bamboozle them as he pleases. I'll bet now, I shall make this whole town believe I have this day fought most heroically. And I wish I could but have an interview with Mary Blaxton. I think I could persuade her charmingly." With this Mr. Van Vacuum commenced a slow and musing walk, in a homeward direction, upon the shore of Round Pond. This beautiful mirror of waters was about one mile in circuit. Its shore was of rock; but disjointed and irregular, sometimes approaching near the water's edge, then receding to a considerable distance-here rising perpendicularly to the height of twenty or thirty feet, and there sloping off with a gentle declivity. The ground was covered with an undergrowth principally of honeysuckle and whortleberry; amidst which stood up the loftier and more lusty oaks and hickories. Mr. Van Vacuum muttered as he went; but his "Then," said Mary, who, from a state of deep, tragic feeling, felt her spirits fast rising into comedy at this manoeuvre of the martial pedagogue "Then, my obedient servant to commandshoulder arms!" "At your service,” returned the new recruit, obsequiously performing that part of the manual exercise. "Very well-now recover arms!" continued Mary, who, from the proximity of her mother's house to the green, where all military parades took place, had learned all the ordinary words of command. Mr. Van Vacuum obeyed orders. "To the right-about face!" added Mary. To the right-about Mr. Van accordingly wheeled. "You are dismissed," said Mary. "Well, but," answered the soldier, awkwardly turning round, and evincing in look, gesture, and voice, that he had been brought to a pass, which he had not anticipated; "will my royal mistress, Mary, Queen of Hearts, thus thrust from her presence, a dutiful subject, that had just returned from the field of battle?" Ovidian. "Horrid! horrid! I hope not, Mr. Van Vacuum -I hope not." "True," returned Mary, assuming the princely | me so much hopeless misery," answered the air. "Intelligence hath reached our royal ear, that you have rendered signal service to the state; that you have taught my subjects generalship-that you formed yourself into a body of reserve, aud took your post most prudently beyond the reach of Indian rifles; and that, so effectually did you keep the secret of your movements, that no person even knew the position you had taken in such a masterly manner. All this we learn from our trusty and right worthy cousin, Lord Ore Rigmarole." "He lies!" exclaimed Mr. Van Vacuum. "I'll say it in his teeth: it is a lie-a falsehood-an untruth. How could he tell? Were we not all scattered about one fighting here, and another fighting there?-one dodging behind this bush, and another dodging behind that bush?-one taking aim from this tree, and another taking aim from that tree? How could we watch each other? How could they see me, or I see them? Was it not all smoke? No-it is a vile slander: they envy me: I was foremost of them all: ah! had you seen me, Mary "How-Mary!" interrupted the Queen of Hearts. "A subject to a sovereign thus! How dare you be so familiar, sir, to call me Mary?" "Pshaw, Miss Blaxton, will you always joke? are you never to be serious for a moment ?" "Rebel! avaunt and quit my sight," added Mary, tragically waving her hand. "I will not budge an inch," quoth the dutiful subject: "I will be heard. You wrong me every way-abuse me-scoff at me-play tricks upon me. Yes, your cruelty drove me into the thickest of the fight. Existence was nothing without you, and I wished to be rid of it. I faced death in every direction, but the very King of Terrors seemed to be afraid of me." "No doubt of it," said Mary. "I should have been had I been he." "You are pleased to be facetious, Miss Blaxton. I can only say a man's life is in his own power"and here the brave man dropped his head in mysterious cogitation; strode a few paces one way, and strode the same back; then opened the pan of his musket, and went on-" and there are weapons that can take it. Life-what is it! a respiration! a puff of empty air: 'tis here-'tis gone!" The performer now took another turn upon the beach, after which he drew the ramrod of his musket, let it into the barrel, and with his fingers measured the depth of the cartridge-occasionally casting a glance at Mary, who was indeed regarding him very closely, not, however, with that look of alarm, which the heroic schoolmaster had hoped to see, but with a mixed expression of humor, indignation, and pity. Having finished his manoeuvres, he advanced somewhat nearer to Mary, and repeated "I say, Miss Blaxton, a man's life is in his own power." "No doubt of it," answered Mary. "I say further, Miss Blaxton, that Ebenezer Van Vacuum's life is in his own power." "And will continue to be, no doubt," said Mary. "But there is doubt, Miss Blaxton, and very serious doubt, too; for I am prepared to put it out of my power at this moment." "And in what way do you propose to put it out of your power?" asked Mary Blaxton. "By blowing out those brains which have caused "You know it is in your power to prevent it, Miss Blaxton: if you choose to sit by and see the thing take place, when it is in your power to prevent it, be it so." "But Mr. Van Vacuum, how will you go about it? Who will pull the trigger for you?" "That will I," promptly answered the suicide; who, thinking that the impression which he seemed to have made upon Mary's mind, was fading away, assumed more decision of tone, and threw himself into a fearful bustle. "I shall touch the trigger with my toe, Miss Blaxton, as you shall see presently. There are ways enough, I can assure you." And here the speaker cocked his gun, and placed the breech upon the ground; but seemed to experience considerable difficulty in finding a good rest for it. Mary sprang up and forward, exclaiming "Surely, Mr. VanVacuum, you are not in earnest! Surely you do not mean to blow your brains out indeed! Hold! for mercy's sake, hold! O good Mr. Van Vacuum give me your gun!-do! I beseech you-I'll promise-O do let me have it, (her hands were now upon the fatal weapon)-let me have it, and I'll-I'll-I'll-I will, depend upon it!" "Will what, my dear Mary," said Mr. V. in a whining, subdued voice, as he suffered the gun to be taken from his hand-"Will what? my dear Mary.' "Blow out your brains myself," exclaimed Mary, bringing up the musket to suit the action to the word, and putting on the fiercest look of which she was mistress. This unexpected turn of affairs seemed very considerably to discompose the brains that were to be blown out. Mr. Van Vacuum's first movement was to rise on his toes, and shrug up the shoulder nearest the muzzle of the musket; his second, to change sides, and lift up one of his legs after the other, ejaculating the while "Why, Miss Mary-why, Miss Blaxton-why, Miss Mary Blaxton!" During this speech Mr. Van Vacuum was stealing a march upon her; which observing, she exclaimed with renewed emphasis, "Stop!" But Mr. Van Vacuum leaped into the air and ran. Nay," said Mary, "no turning nor twisting, nor whining take your fate like a man: you said you were tired of your life, and wanted to get rid of it: Mary threw down the musket, resumed her seat so stand firm. I thought you Englishmen had more in the rocks, and endeavored to account in some pluck; but your great Dr. Johnson gives a bad ac- way for the part she had acted in this interview. count of you all. He says an army of women would She found it difficult, however, to analyze her feeloutdo you. Who knows, he asks, whether Brad-ings; and more than once she was ready to take to dock's men were not defeated at Monongahela by herself the name of Lady Crackbrain, given to her squaws? And he proposes to raise a corps of female by her mother. soldiers, and dismiss the men." THE BUCKWHEAT CAKE. BY HENRY PICKERING, CIRCA, 1828. BUT neither breath of morn, when she ascends Muse, that upon the top of Pindus sitt'st, The Buckwheat Cake! my passion when a boy, Thou glorious Plant! that thus with gladness crown'dst Life's spring time, and beneath bright Summer's eye, But when brown Autumn sweeps along the glebe, Which slightly binds it to the parent stalk, But now, his garners full, and the sharp air And fancy keener still, the appetite Inspiriting to the mill, perch'd near some crag Down which the foamy torrent rushes loud, The farmer bears his grist. And here I must To a discovery rare, in time advert: For the pure substance dense which is conceal'd Within the husk, and which, by process quick As simple, is transform'd to meal, should first Be clean divested of its sombre coat: The which effected, 'tween the whizzing stones Descends the kernel, beauteous, and reduced To dust impalpable, comes drifting out In a white cloud. Let not the secret, thus Divulg'd, be lost on you, ye delicate! Unless, in sooth, convine'd ye should prefer A sprinkling of the bran; for 'tis by some Alleg'd that this a higher zest confers. Who shall decide? Epicurean skill I boast not, nor exactest taste; but if |