pecially my soul has been in anguish with fear, shame, and guilt, that ever I had preached, or had any thought that way. Sometimes my soul has been in distress on feeling some particular corruptions rise and swell like a mighty torrent, with present violence! having, at the same time, ten thousand former sins and follies presented to view, in all their blackness and aggravations. And these, while destitute of most of the conveniences of life, and I may say, of all the pleasures of it; without a friend to communicate any of my sorrows to, and sometimes without any place of retirement, where I may unburden my soul before God, which has greatly contributed to my distress. Of late, more especially, my great difficulty has been a sort of carelessness, a kind of regardless temper of mind, whence I have been disposed to indolence and trifling: and this temper of mind has constantly been attended with guilt and shame; so that sometimes I have been in a kind of horror, to find myself so unlike the blessed God. I have thought I grew worse under all my trials; and nothing has cut and wounded my soul more than this. O, if I am one of God's chosen, as I trust through infinite grace I am, I find of a truth, that the righteous are scarcely saved."

It is apparent, that one main occasion of that distressing gloominess of mind which he was so much exercised with at Kaunaumeek, was reflection on his past errors and misguided zeal at college, in the beginning of the late religious commotions. And therefore he repeated his endeavours this year for reconciliation with the governors of the college, whom he had at that time offended. Although he had been at New Haven, in June, this year, and attempted a reconciliation, as mentioned already; yet, in the beginning of July, he made another journey thither, and renewed his attempt, but still in vain.

Although he was much dejected, most of the time of which I am now speaking; yet he had many intermissions of his melancholy, and some seasons of comfort, sweet tranquillity and resignation of mind, and frequent special assistance in public services, as appear in his diary. The manner of his relief from his sorrow, once in particular, is worthy to be mentioned in his own words. 66 July 25. Had little or no resolution for a life of holiness; was ready almost to renounce my hopes of living to God. And O how dark it looked, to think of being unholy for ever! This I could not endure. The cry of my soul was, Psal. lxv. 3. Iniquities prevail against me. But I was in some measure relieved by a comfortable meditation on God's eternity, that he never had a beginning. Whence I was led to admire his greatness and power, in such a manner, that I stood still, and praised the Lord for his own glories and perfections; though I was (and if I should for ever be) an

unholy creature, my soul was comforted to apprehend an eternal, infinite, powerful, holy God."

July 30. "Just at night, moved into my own house, and lodged there that night; found it much better spending the time alone an in the wigwam where I was before.

Lord's day, July 31. "Felt more comfortably than some days past.-Blessed be the Lord, who has now given me a place of retirement.-Oh that I may find God in it, and that he would dwell with me for ever!

Aug. 1. "Was still busy in further labours on my house.Felt a little of the sweetness of religion, and thought that it was worth while to follow after God through a thousand snares, deserts, and death itself. Oh that I might always follow after holiness, that I may be fully conformed to God! Had some degree of sweetness in secret prayer, though I had much sorrow.

Aug. 2. "Was still labouring to make myself more comfortable, with regard to my house and lodging. Laboured under spiritual anxiety: It seemed to me that I deserved to be thrust out of the world; yet found some comfort in committing my cause to God. It is good for me to be afflicted, that I may die wholly to this world, and all that is in it.

Aug. 3.

Spent most of the day in writing. Enjoyed some sense of religion. Through divine goodness I am now uninterruptedly alone; and find my retirement comfortable. I have enjoyed more sense of divine things within a few days last past, than for some time before. I longed after holiness, humility, and meekness: Oh that God would enable me to “pass the time of my sojourning here in his fear," and always live to


Aug. 4. "Was enabled to pray much, through the whole day; and through divine goodness found some intenseness of soul in the duty, as I used to do, and some ability to persevere in my supplications. I had some apprehensions of divine things, which afforded me courage and resolution. It is good, I find, to persevere in attempts to pray, if I cannot pray with perseverance, i. e. continue long in my addresses to the divine Being. I have generally found, that the more I do in secret prayer, the more I have delighted to do, and have enjoyed more of a spirit of prayer: and frequently have found the contrary, when with journeying or otherwise I have been much deprived of retirement. A seasonable, steady performance of SECRET DUTIES IN THEir proper hoURS, and a CAREFUL IMPROVEMENT OF ALL TIME, filling up every hour with some profitable labour, either of heart, head, or hands, are excellent means of spiritual peace and boldness before God.-Christ, indeed, is our peace, and by him we have boldness of access to God; but a good con

science, void of offence, is an excellent preparation for an approach into the divine presence. There is a difference between self-confidence or a self-righteous pleasing of ourselves-as with our own duties, attainments, and spiritual enjoyments-of which good men are sometimes guilty, and that holy confidence arising from the testimony of a good conscience, which good Hezekiah had, when he says, "Remember, O Lord, I beseech thee, how I have walked before thee in truth, and with a perfect heart." Then, says the holy psalmist, shall I not be ashamed when I have respect to all thy commandments. Filling up our time with and for God, is the way to rise up and lie down in peace."

The next eight days, he continued for the most part in a very comfortable frame, having his mind fixed and sweetly engaged in religion; and more than once blesses God, that he had given him a little cottage, where he might live alone, and enjoy a happy retirement, free from noise and disturbance, and could at any hour of the day lay aside all studies, and spend time in lifting up his soul to God for spiritual blessings.

Aug. 13. "Was enabled in secret prayer to raise my soul to God, with desire and delight. It was indeed a blessed season. I found the comfort of being a christian; and counted the sufferings of the present life not worthy to be compared with the glory of divine enjoyments even in this world. All my past sorrows seemed kindly to disappear, and I "remembered no more the sorrow, for joy."-O, how kindly, and with what a filial tenderness, the soul confides in the Rock of Ages, at such a season, that he will "never leave it, nor forsake it," that he will cause "all things to work together for its good!"" I longed, that others should know how good a God the Lord is. My soul was full of tenderness and love, even to the most inveterate of my enemies. I earnestly desired that they should share in the same mercy; and loved that God should do just as he pleased with me and every thing else. I felt peculiarly serious, calm, and peaceful, and encouraged to press after holiness as long as I live, whatever difficulties and trials may be in my way. May the Lord always help me so to do! Amen, and Amen.

Lord's day, Aug. 14. "I had much more freedom in public, than in private. God enabled me to speak with some feeling sense of divine things; but perceived no considerable effect. Aug. 15. "Spent most of the day in labour, to procure something to keep my horse on in the winter. Enjoyed not much sweetness in the morning; was very weak in body through the day; and thought that this frail body would soon drop into the dust; and had some very realizing apprehensions

of a speedy entrance into another world. In this weak state of body, I was not a little distressed for want of suitable food. I had no bread, nor could I get any. I am forced to go or send ten or fifteen miles for all the bread I eat; and sometimes it is mouldy and sour before I eat it, if I get any considerable quantity. And then again I have none for some days together, for want of an opportunity to send for it, and cannot find my horse in the woods to go myself; and this was my case now; but through divine goodness I had some Indian meal, of which I made little cakes, and fried them. Yet I felt contented with my circumstances, and sweetly resigned to God. In prayer I enjoyed great freedom; and blessed God as much for my present circumstances, as if I had been a king; and thought that I found a disposition to be contented in any circumstances. Blessed be God."

The rest of this week, he was exceedingly weak in body, and much exercised with pain; yet obliged from day to day to labour hard, to procure fodder for his horse. Except some part of the time, he was so very ill, that he was neither able to work nor study; but speaks of longings after holiness and perfect conformity to God. He complains of enjoying but little of God yet he says, that little was better to him, than all the world besides, In his diary for Saturday, he says, he was somewhat melancholy and sorrowful in mind; and adds, "I never feel comfortably, but when I find my soul going forth after God. If I cannot be holy I must necessarily be miserable for ever."

Lord's day, Aug. 21. "Was much straitened in the forenoon exercise; my thoughts seemed to be all scattered to the ends of the earth. At noon, I fell down before the Lord, groaned under my vileness, barrenness, and deadness; and felt as if I was guilty of soul-murder, in speaking to immortal souls in such a manner as I had then done. In the afternoon, God was pleased to give me some assistance, and I was enabled to set before my hearers the nature and necessity of true repentance. Afterwards, had some small degree of thankfulness. Was very ill and full of pain in the evening; and my soul mourned that I had spent so much time to so little profit.

Aug. 22. "Spent most of the day in study; and found my bodily strength in a measure restored. Had some intense and passionate breathings of soul after holiness, and very clear manifestations of my utter inability to procure, or work it in myself; it is wholly owing to the power of God. O, with what tenderness the love and desire of holiness fills the soul! I wanted to wing out of myself to God, or rather to get a con

formity to him: but, alas! I cannot add to my stature in grace one cubit. However, my soul can never leave striving for it; or at least groaning, that it cannot strive for it, and obtain more purity of heart.-At night, I spent some time in instructing my poor people. Oh that God would pity their souls!

Aug. 23. "Studied in the forenoon, and enjoyed some freedom. In the afternoon, laboured abroad: endeavoured to pray but found not much sweetness or intenseness of mind. Towards night, was very weary, and tired of this world of sorrow the thoughts of death and immortality appeared very desirable, and even refreshed my soul. Those lines turned in my mind with pleasure,

"Come death, shake hands; I'll kiss thy bands;
""Tis happiness for me to die.-

"What!-dost thou think, that I will shrink?
"I'll go to immortality."

"In evening prayer, God was pleased to draw near my soul, though very sinful and unworthy; so that I was enabled to wrestle with God, and to persevere in my requests for grace. I poured out my soul for all the world, friends and enemies.. My soul was concerned, not so much for souls as such, but rather for Christ's kingdom, that it might appear in the world, that God might be known to be God, in the whole earth. And O my soul abhorred the very thought of a party in religion! Let the truth of God appear, wherever it is; and God have the glory for ever. Amen. This was indeed a comfortable season.

thought I had some small taste of, and real relish for the enjoyments and employments of the upper world. Oh that my soul was more attempered to it!

Aug. 24. "Spent some time, in the morning, in study and prayer. Afterwards, was engaged in some necessary business abroad. Towards night, found a little time for some particular studies. I thought, if God should say, "Cease making any provision for this life, for you shall in a few days go out of time into eternity," my soul would leap for joy. Oh that I may both "desire to be dissolved, to be with Christ," and likewise "wait patiently all the days of my appointed time till my change come!" But, alas! I am very unfit for the business and blessedness of heaven. Oh for more holiness!

Aug. 25. "Part of the day, was engaged in studies; and part in labour abroad. I find it is impossible to enjoy peace and tranquillity of mind, without a careful improvement of time. This is really an imitation of God and Christ Jesus: "My Father worketh hitherto, and I work," says our Lord. But still, if we would be like God, we must see that we fill up our time for him. I daily long to dwell in perfect light and love. In the mean time, my soul mourns that I make so little

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