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March 14. "In the morning, was very busy in preparation for my journey, and was almost continually engaged in ejaculatory prayer. About ten, took leave of the dear people of EastHampton; my heart grieved and mourned, and rejoiced at the same time; rode near fifty miles to a part of Brook-Haven, and lodged there, and had refreshing conversation with a Christian friend."
In two days more, he reached New-York; but complains of much desertion and deadness on the road. He stayed one day in New-York, and on Friday went to Mr. Dickinson's at Elizabeth-Town. His complaints are the same as on the two preceding days.
March 19. "Was bitterly distressed under a sense of my ignorance, darkness, and unworthiness; got alone, and poured out my complaint to God in the bitterness of my soul. In the afternoon, rode to Newark, and had some sweetness in conversation with Mr. Burr,* and in praying together. O blessed be God for ever and ever, for any enlivening and quickening
Lord's day, March 20. "Preached in the forenoon: God gave me some assistance and sweetness, and enabled me to speak with real tenderness, love, and impartiality. In the evening preached again; and of a truth, God was pleased to assist a poor worm. Blessed be God, I was enabled to speak with life, power, and desire of the edification of God's people, and with some power to sinners. In the evening, I felt spiritual and watchful, lest my heart should by any means be drawn away from God. O when shall I come to that blessed world, where every power of my soul will be incessantly and eternally wound up in heavenly employments and enjoyments, to the highest degree!
On Monday, he went to Woodbridge, where he speaks of his being with a number of ministers ; and, the day following
* Afterwards President Burr, of Nassau Hall.
+ These ministers were the Correspondents who now met at Woodbridge, and gave BRAINERD new directions. Instead of sending him to the Indians at the Forks of Deleware, as before intended, they ordered him to go to a number of Indians at Kaunaumeek; a place in the province of New-York, in the woods between Stockbridge and Albany. This alteration was occasioned by two things. 1. Information which the correspondents had received of some contention now subsisting between the white people and the Indians at Delaware, concerning their lands; which they supposed would be a hindrance, at present, to their entertainment of a missionary, and to his success among them. 2. Some intimations which they had received from Mr. Sergeant, Missionary to the Indians at Stockbridge, concerning the Indians at Kaunaumeek, and the hopeful prospect of success which a Missionary might have among them.
of his travelling part of the way towards New-York. On Wednesday, he came to New-York. On Thursday, he rode near fifty miles, from New-York to North-Castle. On Friday, went to Danbury. Saturday to New-Milford. On the Sabbath he rode five or six miles to the place near Kent in Connecticut, called Scaticocke, where dwell a number of Indians,t and preached to them. On Monday being detained by the rain, he tarried at Kent. On Tuesday, he rode from Kent to Salisbury. Wednesday, he went to Sheffield. Thursday, March 31, he went to Mr. Sergeant's at Stockbridge. He was dejected and very disconsolate, through the main of this journey from New-Jersey to Stockbridge; and especially on the last day his mind was overwhelmed with peculiar gloom and melancholy.
+ These were the same Indians which BRAINERD mentions in his Diary, August 12, 1742.
From the Commencement of his labours at Kaunaumeek, to his Ordination.
April 1, 1743. "I rode to Kaunaumeek, near twenty miles from Stockbridge, where the Indians live with whom I am concerned, and there lodged on a little heap of straw. I was greatly exercised with inward trials and distresses all day; and in the evening, my heart was sunk, and I seemed to have no God to go to. Oh that God would help me!"
The next five days, he was for the most part in a dejected, depressed state of mind, and sometimes extremely so. He speaks of God's "waves and billows rolling over his soul;" and of his being ready sometimes to say, "Surely his mercy is clean gone forever, and he will be favourable no more; and says, the anguish he endured, was nameless and inconceivable; but at the same time speaks thus concerning his distresses, "What God designs by all my distresses, I know not; but this I know, I deserve them all, and thousands more." He gives an account of the Indians kindly receiving him, and being seriously attentive to his instructions.
April 7. "Appeared to myself exceedingly ignorant, weak, helpless, unworthy, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me, that I should never do any service, or have any success among the Indians. My soul was weary of my life; I longed for death, beyond measure. When I thought of any godly soul departed, my soul was ready to envy him his privilege, thinking, "O when will my turn come! must it be years first!" But I know these ardent desires, at this and other times, rose partly for want of resignation to God under all miseries; and so were but impatience. Towards night, I had the exercise of faith in prayer, and some assistance in writing. Oh that God would keep me near him!
April 8. "Was exceedingly pressed under a sense of my pride, selfishness, bitterness, and party spirit, in while I attempted to promote the cause of God.
times past, Its vile na
ture and dreadful consequences appeared in such odious colours to me, that my very heart was pained. I saw how poor souls stumbled over it into everlasting destruction, that I was constrained to make that prayer in the bitterness of my soul, “O Lord, deliver me from blood-guiltiness." I saw my desert of hell on this account. My soul was full of inward anguish and shame before God, that I had spent so much time in conversation tending only to promote a party-spirit. I saw that I had not suitably prized mortification, self-denial, resignation under all adversities, meekness, love, candour, and holiness of heart and life and this day was almost wholly spent in such bitter, and soul-afflicting reflections on my past frames and conduct. Of late, I have thought much of having the kingdom of Christ advanced in the world; but now I saw I had enough to do within myself. The Lord be merciful to me a sinner, and wash my soul!
April 9. "Remained much in the same state as yesterday, excepting that the sense of my vileness was not so quick and
Lord's day, April 10. "Rose early in the morning, and walked out and spent a considerable time in the woods, in prayer and meditation. Preached to the Indians, both forenoon and afternoon. They behaved soberly in general: two or three in particular appeared under some religious concern ; with whom I discoursed privately; and one told me, "that her heart had cried, ever since she had heard me preach first."
The next day, he complains of much desertion.
April 12. "Was greatly oppressed with grief and shame, reflecting on my past conduct, my bitterness and party zeal. I was ashamed, to think that such a wretch as 1 had ever preached. Longed to be excused from that work. And when my soul was not in anguish and keen distress, "I felt senseless as a beast before God," and felt a kind of guilty amusement with the least trifles; which still maintained a kind of stifled horror of conscience, so that I could not rest any more than a condemned malefactor.
April 13. "My heart was overwhelmed within me: I verily thought that I was the meanest, vilest, most helpless, guilty, ignorant, benighted creature living. And yet I knew what God had done for my soul, at the same time: though sometimes I was assaulted with damping doubts and fears, whether it was possible for such a wretch as I to be in a state of grace. April 14. "Remained much in the same state as yester
April 15. "In the forenoon, very disconsolate. In the afternoon, preached to my people, and was a little encouraged
in some hopes that God might bestow mercy on their souls. Felt somewhat resigned to God under all dispensations of his providence.
April 16. Still in the depths of distress. In the afternoon, preached to my people; but was more discouraged with them than before; feared that nothing would ever be done for them to any happy effect. I retired, and poured out my soul to God for mercy; but without any sensible relief. Soon after came an Irishman and a Dutchman, with a design, as they said to hear me preach the next day; but none can tell how I felt, to hear their profane talk. OI longed that some dear Christian knew my distress. I got into a kind of hovel, and there groaned out my complaint to God; and withal felt more sensible gratitude and thankfulness to God, that he had made me to differ from these men, as I knew through grace he had.
Lord's day, April 17. "In the morning, was again distressed as soon as I awaked, hearing much talk about the world, and the things of it. I perceived that the men were in some measure afraid of me; and I discoursed about sanctifying the Sabbath, if possible to solemnize their minds; but when they were at a little distance, they again talked freely about secular affairs. I thought what a hell it would be, to live with such men to eternity! The Lord gave me some assistance in preaching, all day, and some resignation, and a small degree of comfort in prayer, at night."
He continued in this disconsolate frame the next day.
April 19. "In the morning, I enjoyed some sweet repose and rest in God; felt some strength and confidence in him; and my soul was in some measure refreshed and comforted. Spent most of the day in writing, and had some exercise of grace, sensible and comfortable. My soul seemed lifted above the deep waters, wherein it has been so long almost drowned; felt some spiritual longings and breathings of soul after God; and found myself engaged for the advancement of Christ's kingdom in my own soul.
April 20. Set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to bow my soul before God for the bestowment of divine grace; especially that all my spiritual afflictions, and inward distresses, might be sanctified to my soul. And endeavoured also to remember the goodness of God to me the year past, this day being my birth day. Having obtained help of God, I have hitherto lived, and am now arrived at the age of twenty-five years. My soul was pained to think of my barrenness and deadness; that I have lived so little to the glory of the eternal God. I spent the day in the woods alone, and there poured