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holy on earth, and so to be attempered to the complete holiness of the heavenly world."
Feb. 4. Enjoyed some degree of freedom and spiritual refreshment; was enabled to pray with some fervency, and longing desires of Zion's prosperity, and my faith and hope seemed to take hold of God, for the performance of what I was enabled to plead for. Sanctification in myself, and the ingathering of God's elect, were all my desire; and the hope of their accomplishment all my joy."
Lord's day, Feb. 5. "Was enabled in some measure to rest and confide in God, and to prize his presence and some glimpses of the light of his countenance, above my necessary food.— Thought myself, after the season of weakness, temptation, and desertion I endured last week, to be somewhat like Sampson, when his locks began to grow again. Was enabled to preach to my people with more life and warmth, than I have for some weeks past. Feb. 6. This morning, my soul again was strengthened in God, and found some sweet repose in him in prayer; longing especially for the complete mortification of sensuality and pride, and for resignation to God's dispensations, at all times, as through grace, I felt it at this time. I did not desire deliverance from any difficulty that attends my circumstances, unless God was willing. O how comfortable is this temper! Spent most of the day in reading God's word, in writing, and prayer. Enjoyed repeated and frequent comfort and intenseness of soul in prayer through the day. In the evening, spent some hours in private conversation with my people; and afterwards felt some warmth in secret prayer.
Feb. 7. "Was much engaged in some sweet meditations on the powers and affections of the godly soul in the pursuit of their beloved object; wrote something of the native language of spiritual sensation, in its soft and tender whispers; declaring, that it now feels and tastes, that the Lord is gracious; that he is the supreme good, the only soul satisfying happiness that he is a complete, sufficient, and almighty portion: saying,
Whom have I in Heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside this blessed portion. O, I feel that it is heaven to please him, and to be just what he would have me to be! O that my soul were holy, as he is holy! O that it were pure, even as Christ is pure; and perfect as my Father in heaven is perfect! These I feel are the sweetest commands in God's book, comprising all others. And shall I break them! must I break them! am I under the necessity of it as long as I live in the world! O my soul, wo, wo is me, that I am a sinner, because I now necessarily grieve and offend this blessed God. VOL. X.
who is infinite in goodness and grace! O methinks if he would punish me for my sins, it would not wound my heart so deep to offend him but though I sin continually, yet he continually repeats his kindness to me! O methinks I could bear any sufferings; but how can I bear to grieve and dishonour this blessed God! How shall I yield ten thousand times more honour to him? What shall I do to glorify and worship this best of beings? O that I could consecrate myself, soul and body, to his service forever! O that I could give up myself to him, so as never more to attempt to be my own, or to have any will or affections that are not perfectly conformed to him! But, alas, alas! I find I cannot be thus entirely devoted to God; I cannot live, and not sin. O ye angels, do ye glorify him incessantly; and if possible, prostrate yourselves lower before the blessed King of heaven! I long to bear a part with you; and, if it were possible, to help you. O when we have done all that we can, to all eternity, we shall not be able to offer the ten thousandth part of the homage which the glorious God de
"Felt something spiritual, devout, resigned, and mortified to the world, much of the day; and especially towards and in the evening. Blessed be God, that he enables me to love him for himself.
Feb. 8. "Was in a comfortable frame of soul, most of the day; though sensible of, and restless under spiritual barrenness. I find that both mind and body are quickly tired with intenseness and fervour in the things of God. O that I could be as incessant as angels in devotion and spiritual fervour.
Feb. 9. "Observed this day as a day of fasting and prayer, intreating of God to bestow upon me his blessing and grace; especially to enable me to live a life of mortification to the world, as well as of resignation and patience. Enjoyed some realizing sense of divine power and goodness in prayer, several times; and was enabled to roll the burden of myself, and friends, and Zion, upon the goodness and grace of God; but, in the general, was more dry and barren than I have usually been of late, upon such occasions.
Feb. 10. "Was exceedingly oppressed, most of the day, with shame, grief, and fear, under a sense of my past folly, as well as present barrenness and coldness. When God sets before me my past misconduct, especially any instances of misguided zeal, it sinks my soul into shame and confusion, makes me afraid of a shaking leaf. My fear is such as the prophet Jeremy complains of, Jer. xx. 10. I have no confidence to hold up my face, even before my fellow worms; but only when my soul confides in God, and I find the sweet temper of Christ, the spirit of humility, solemnity and mortification, and resignation, alive in my soul. But, in the evening, was unexpectedly
refreshed in pouring out my complaint to God; my shame and fear was turned into a sweet composure and acquiescence in God.
Feb. 11. "Felt much as yesterday; enjoyed but little sensible communion with God.
Lord's day, Feb. 12. "My soul seemed to confide in God, and to repose itself on him; and had intense longings after God in prayer. Enjoyed some sweet divine assistance, in the forenoon, in preaching; but in the afternoon, was more perplexed with shame, &c. Afterwards, found some relief in prayer; loved, as a feeble, afflicted, despised creature, to cast myself on a God of infinite grace and goodness, hoping for no happiness but from him.
Feb. 13. "Was calm and sedate in morning devotions; and my soul seemed to rely on God. Rode to Stockbridge, and enjoyed some comfortable meditations by the way; had a more refreshing taste and relish of heavenly blessedness, than I have enjoyed for many months past. I have many times, of late, felt as ardent desires of holiness as ever; but not so much sense of the sweetness and unspeakable pleasure of the enjoy ments and employments of heaven. My soul longed to leave earth, and bear a part with angels in their celestial employments. My soul said, 'Lord it is good to be here;' and it appeared to be better to die, than to lose the relish of these heavenly delights."
A sense of divine things seemed to continue with him, in a lesser degree, through the next day. On Wednesday, he was, by some discourse which he heard, cast into a melancholy gloom, that operated much in the same manner as his melancholy had formerly done, when he came first to Kaunaumeek ; the effects of which seemed to continue in some degree the six following days.
Feb. 22. "In the morning, had as clear a sense of the exceeding pollution of my nature, as ever I remember to have had in my life. I then appeared to myself inexpressibly loathsome and defiled. Sins of childhood, of early youth, and such follies as I had not thought of for years together, as I remember, came now fresh to my view, as if committed but yesterday, and appeared in the most odious colours; they appeared more in number than the hairs of my head; yea, they went over my head as a heavy burden.' In the evening, the hand of faith seemed to be strengthened in God; my soul seemed to rest and acquiesce in him; was supported under my burdens, reading the cxxvth psalm; and found that it was sweet and comfortable to lean on God
Feb. 23. Was frequent in prayer, and enjoyed some assistance. There is a God in heaven who overrules all things for the best; and this is the comfort of my soul: "I had fainted unless I had believed to see the goodness of God in the land of the living," notwithstanding present sorrows.-In the evening enjoyed some freedom in prayer, for myself, friends, and the church of God.
Feb. 24. "Was exceedingly restless and perplexed under a sense of misimprovement of time; mourned to see time pass away; felt in the greatest hurry; seemed to have every thing to do: yet could do nothing, but only grieve and groan under my ignorance, unprofitableness, meanness, the foolishness of my actions and thoughts, the pride and bitterness of some past frames, all which at this time appeared to me in lively colours, and filled me with shame. I could not compose my mind to any profitable studies, by reason of this pressure. And the reason, I judge, why I am not allowed to study a great part of my time, is, because I am endeavouring to lay in such a stock of knowledge as shall be a self-sufficiency.-I know it to be my indispensable duty to study, and qualify myself in the best manner I can for public service: but this is my misery, I naturally study and prepare, that I may "consume it upon my lusts" of pride and self-confidence."
He continued in much the same frame of uneasiness at the misimprovement of time, and pressure of spirit under a sense of vileness, unprofitableness, &c. for the six following days; excepting some intervals of calmness and composure, in resignation to, and confidence in God.
March 2. "Was most of the day employed in writing on a divine subject. Was frequent in prayer, and enjoyed some small degree of assistance. But in the evening, God was pleased to grant me divine sweetness in prayer; especially in the duty of intercession. I think, I never felt so much kindness and love to those who, I have reason to think, are my enemies-though at that time I found such a disposition to think the best of all, that I scarce knew how to think that any such thing as enmity and hatred lodged in my soul; it seemed as if all the world must needs be friends-and never prayed with more freedom and delight, for myself, or dearest friend, than I did now for my enemies.
March 3. "In the morning, spent (I believe) an hour in prayer, with great intenseness and freedom, and with the most soft and tender affection towards mankind. I longed that those who, I have reason to think, owe me ill will, might be eternally happy. It seemed refreshing to think of meeting them in heaven, how much soever they had injured me on
earth: had no disposition to insist upon any confession from them, in order to reconciliation, and the exercise of love and kindness to them. O it is an emblem of heaven itself, to love all the world with a love of kindness, forgiveness, and benevolence; to feel our souls sedate, mild and meek; to be void of all evil surmisings and suspicions, and scarce able to think evil of any man upon any occasion; to find our hearts simple, open, and free, to those that look upon us with a different eye! Prayer was so sweet an exercise to me, that I knew not how to cease, lest I should loose the spirit of prayer. Felt no disposition to eat or drink, for the sake of the pleasure of it, but only to support my nature, and fit me for divine service. Could not be content without a very particular mention of a great number of dear friends at the throne of grace; as also the particular circumstances of many, so far as they were known.
Lord's day, March 4. "In the morning, enjoyed the same intenseness in prayer as yesterday morning, though not in so great a degree: felt the same spirit of love, universal benevolence, forgiveness, humility, resignation, mortfication to the world, and composure of mind, as then. My soul rested in God; and I found I wanted no other refuge or friend. While my soul thus trusts in God, all things seem to be at peace with me, even the stones of the earth: but when I cannot apprehend and confide in God, all things appear with a different aspect."
Through the four next days, he complains of barrenness, want of holy confidence in God, stupidity, wanderings of mind, &c., and speaks of oppression of mind, under a sense of exceeding meanness, past follies, as well as present workings of corruption. On Friday, he seems to have been restored to a considerable degree of the same excellent frame, which he enjoyed the Saturday before.
March 10. "In the morning, felt exceeding dead to the world, and all its enjoyments. I thought I was ready and willing to give up life and all its comforts, as soon as called to it; and yet then had as much comfort of life as almost ever I had. Life itself now appeared but an empty bubble; the riches, honours, and common enjoyments of life appeared extremely tasteless. I longed to be perpetually and entirely crucified to all things here below, by the cross of Christ. My soul was sweetly resigned to God's disposal of me, in every regard; and I saw that nothing had happened but what was best for me. I confided in God, that he would never leave me, though I should "walk through the valley of the shadow of death." It was then my meat and drink to be holy, to live to the Lord, and die to the Lord. And I thought