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Hampton, we travelled to Lyme. On the road I felt an uncommon pressure of mind: I seemed to struggle hard for some pleasure in something here below, and seemed loth to give up all for gone; saw I was evidently throwing myself into all hardships and distresses in my present undertaking. I thought it would be less difficult to lie down in the grave; but yet I chose to go, rather than stay.-Came to Lyme that night."
He waited the two next days for a passage over the sound, and spent much of the time in inward conflicts and dejection, but had some comfort.
On Saturday he crossed the Sound, landed at Oyster-pondpoint on Long-Island, and travelled from thence to EastHampton. And the seven following days he spent there, for the most part, under extreme dejection and gloominess of mind with great complaints of darkness, ignorance, &c. Yet his heart appears to have been constantly engaged in the great business of religion, much concerned for the interest of religion in East-Hampton, and praying and labouring much for it.
Feb. 12. "Enjoyed a little more comfort; was enabled to meditate with some composure of mind; and especially in the evening, found my soul more refreshed in prayer, than at any time of late; my soul seemed to" take hold of God's strength,' and was comforted with his consolations. O, how sweet are some glimpses of divine glory! how strengthening and quickening!
Lord's day, Feb. 13. "At noon, under a great degree of discouragement; knew not how it was possible for me to preach in the afternoon. I was ready to give up all for gone; but God was pleased to assist me in some measure. In the evening my heart was sweetly drawn out after God, and devoted to him."
The next day, he had comfort and dejection intermingled.
Feb. 15. "Early in the day I felt some comfort; afterwards I walked into a neighbouring grove, and felt more as a stranger on earth, I think, than ever before; dead to any of the enjoyments of the world, as if I had been dead in a natural sense.In the evening, had divine sweetness in secret duty; God was then my portion, and my soul rose above those deep waters, into which I have sunk so low of late.-My soul then cried for Zion, and had sweetness in so doing."
This sweet frame continued the next morning; but afterwards his inward distress returned.
Feb. 17. "In the morning, found myself comfortable, and rested on God in some measure.-Preached this day at a little village belonging to East Hampton; and God was pleased to give me his gracious presence and assistance, so that I spake with freedom, boldness, and some power. In the evening spent some time with a dear Christian friend; and felt serious, as on the brink of eternity. My soul enjoyed sweetness in lively apprehensions of standing before the glorious God: prayed with my dear friend with sweetness, and discoursed with the utmost solemnity. And truly it was a little emblem of heaven itself.-I find my soul is more refined and weaned from a dependence on my frames and spiritual feelings.
Feb. 18. "Felt somewhat sweetly most of the day, and found access to the throne of grace. Blessed be the Lord for any intervals of heavenly delight and composure, while I am engaged in the field of battle. Oh, that I might be serious, solemn, and always vigilant, while in an evil world! Had some opportunity alone to day, and found some freedom in study. 0,1 long to live to God!
Feb. 19. "Was exceeding infirm to-day, greatly troubled with pain in my head and dizziness, scarce able to sit up. However, enjoyed something of God in prayer, and performed some necessary studies. I exceedingly longed to die; and yet, through divine goodness, have felt very willing to live, for two or three days past.
Lord's day, Feb. 20. "I was perplexed on account of my carelessness; thought I could not be suitably concerned about the important work of the day, and so was restless with my easiness. Was exceeding infirm again to-day; but the Lord strengthened me, both in the outward and inward man, so that I preached with some life and spirituality, especially in the afternoon, wherein I was enabled to speak closely against selfish religion; that loves Christ for his benefits, but not for himself."
During the next fortnight, it appears that for the most part he enjoyed much spiritual peace and comfort. In his diary for this space of time, are expressed such things as these; mourning over indwelling sin, and unprofitableness; deadness to the world; longing after God, and to live to his glory; heart melting desires after his eternal home; fixed reliance on God for his help; experience of much divine assistance, both in the private and public exercises of religion; inward strength and courage in the service of God; very frequent refreshment, consolation, and divine sweetness in meditation, prayer, preaching, and christian conversation. And it appears by his account, that this space of time was filled up with great diligence and earnestness in serving God, in study, prayer, meditation, preaching and privately instructing and counselling.
March 7. "This morning when I arose, I found my heart go forth after God in longing desires of conformity to him, and in secret prayer found myself sweetly quickened and drawn out in praises to God for all he had done to and for me, and for all my inward trials and distresses of late. My heart ascribed glory, glory, glory to the blessed God! and bid welcome to all inward distress again, if God saw meet to exercise me with it. Time appeared but an inch long, and eternity at hand; and I thought I could with patience and cheerfulness bear any thing for the cause of God; for I saw that a moment would bring me to a world of peace and blessedness. My soul, by the strength of the Lord, rose far above this lower world, and all the vain amusements and frightful disappointments of it. Afterwards, had some sweet meditation on Genesis v. 24. And Enoch walked with God, &c. This was a comfortable day to my soul."
The next day, he seems to have continued in a considerable degree of sweetness and fervency in religion.
March 9. "Endeavoured to commit myself, and all my concerns to God. Rode sixteen miles to Montauk,* and had some inward sweetness on the road; but somewhat of flatness and deadness after I came there and had seen the Indians. I withdrew, and endeavoured to pray, but found myself awfully deserted and left, and had an afflicting sense of my vileness and meanness. However, I went and preached from Is. liii. 10. Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him, &c. Had some assistance; and I trust somewhat of the divine presence was among us. In the evening, I again prayed and exhorted among them, after having had a season alone, wherein I was so pressed with the blackness of my nature, that I thought it was not fit for me to speak so much as to Indians."
The next day he returned to East-Hampton; was exceeding infirm in body, through the remaining part of this week; but speaks of assistance and enlargment in study and religious exercises, and of inward sweetness, and breathing after God.
Lord's day, March 13. "At noon, I thought it impossible for me to preach, by reason of bodily weakness, and inward deadness. In the first prayer, I was so weak that I could hardly stand; but in the sermon God strengthened me, so that I spake near an hour and a half with sweet freedom, clearness, and some tender power from Gen. v. 24. And Enoch walked with God. I was sweetly assisted to insist on a close walk with God and to leave this as my parting advice to God's people here, that they should walk with God. May the God of all grace succeed my poor labours in this place!
*Montauk is the eastern cape or end of Long-Island, inhabited chiefly by Indians.
March 14. "In the morning, was very busy in preparation for my journey, and was almost continually engaged in ejaculatory prayer. About ten, took leave of the dear people of EastHampton; my heart grieved and mourned, and rejoiced at the same time; rode near fifty miles to a part of Brook-Haven, and lodged there, and had refreshing conversation with a Christian friend."
In two days more, he reached New-York; but complains of much desertion and deadness on the road. He stayed one day in New-York, and on Friday went to Mr. Dickinson's at Elizabeth-Town. His complaints are the same as on the two preceding days.
March 19. "Was bitterly distressed under a sense of my ignorance, darkness, and unworthiness; got alone, and poured out my complaint to God in the bitterness of my soul. In the afternoon, rode to Newark, and had some sweetness in conversation with Mr. Burr,* and in praying together. O blessed be God for ever and ever, for any enlivening and quickening
Lord's day, March 20. "Preached in the forenoon: God gave me some assistance and sweetness, and enabled me to speak with real tenderness, love, and impartiality. In the evening preached again; and of a truth, God was pleased to assist a poor worm. Blessed be God, I was enabled to speak with life, power, and desire of the edification of God's people, and with some power to sinners. In the evening, I felt spiritual and watchful, lest my heart should by any means be drawn away from God. O when shall I come to that blessed world, where every power of my soul will be incessantly and eternally wound up in heavenly employments and enjoyments, to the highest degree!
On Monday, he went to Woodbridge, where he speaks of his being with a number of ministers ;† and, the day following
* Afterwards President Burr, of Nassau Hall.
+ These ministers were the Correspondents who now met at Woodbridge, and gave BRAINERD new directions. Instead of sending him to the Indians at the Forks of Deleware, as before intended, they ordered him to go to a number of Indians at Kaunaumeek; a place in the province of New-York, in the woods between Stockbridge and Albany. This alteration was occasioned by two things. 1. Information which the correspondents had received of some contention now subsisting between the white people and the Indians at Delaware, concerning their lands; which they supposed would be a hindrance, at present, to their entertainment of a missionary, and to his success among them. 2. Some intimations which they had received from Mr. Sergeant, Missionary to the Indians at Stockbridge, concerning the Indians at Kaunaumeek, and the hopeful prospect of success which a Missionary might have among them.
of his travelling part of the way towards New-York. On Wednesday, he came to New-York. On Thursday, he rode near fifty miles, from New-York to North-Castle. On Friday, went to Danbury. Saturday to New-Milford. On the Sabbath he rode five or six miles to the place near Kent in Connecticut, called Scaticocke, where dwell a number of Indians,† and preached to them. On Monday being detained by the rain, he tarried at Kent. On Tuesday, he rode from Kent to Salisbury. Wednesday, he went to Sheffield. Thursday, March 31, he went to Mr. Sergeant's at Stockbridge. He was dejected and very disconsolate, through the main of this journey from New-Jersey to Stockbridge; and especially on the last day his mind was overwhelmed with peculiar gloom and melancholy.
+ These were the same Indians which BRAINERD mentions in his Diary, August 12, 1742.