CHAPTER XIII.

It is so long since the reader of this rhapsodical work has been parted from the midwife, that it is high time to mention her again to him, merely to put him in mind that there is such a body still in the world, and whom, upon the best judgment I can form upon my own plan at present, I am going to introduce to him for good and all; but as fresh matter may be started, and much unexpected business fall out betwixt the reader and myself, which may require immediate despatch, 'twas right to take care that the poor woman should not be lost in the meantime;because, when she is wanted, we can no way do without her.

I think I told you that this good woman was a person of no small note and consequence throughout our whole village and township ;that her fame had spread itself to the very outedge and circumference of that circle of importance, of which kind every soul living, whether he has a shirt to his back or no, has one surrounding him ;——which said circle, by the way, whenever 'tis said that such a one is of great weight and importance in the world, I desire may be enlarged or contracted in your Worship's fancy, in a compound ratio of the station, profession, knowledge, abilities, height and depth (measuring both ways), of the personage brought before you.

In the present case, if I remember, I fixed it at about four or five miles, which not only comprehended the whole parish, but extended itself to two or three of the adjacent hamlets in the skirts of the next parish ;-which made a considerable thing of it. I must add that she was, moreover, very well looked on at one large grange-house, and some other odd houses and farms within two or three miles, as I said, from the smoke of her own chimney. But I must here once for all inform you, that all this will be more exactly delineated and explained in a map, now in the hands of the engraver, which, with many other pieces and developments of this work, will be added to the end of the twentieth volume :-not to swell the work, I detest the thought of such a thing,-but by way of commentary, scholium, illustration, and key, to such passages, incidents, or innuendos, as shall be thought to be either of private interpretation or of dark or doubtful meaning, after my life and my opinions shall have been read over (now don't forget the meaning of the word) by all the world;-which, betwixt you and me, and in spite of all the gentlemen reviewers in Great Britain, and of all that their worships shall undertake to write or say to the contrary, I am determined shall be the case. . . . I need not tell your Worship that all this is spoken in confidence.

CHAPTER XIV.

UPON looking into my mother's marriage-settle
ment, in order to satisfy myself and reader in a
point necessary to be cleared up, before we
could proceed any further in this history, I
had the good fortune to pop upon the very
thing I wanted, before I had read a day and a
half straight forwards;—it might have taken
me up a month;-which shows plainly that
when a man sits down to write a history, though
it be but the history of Jack Hickathrift or
Tom Thumb, he knows no more than his heels
what lets and confounded hindrances he is to
meet with in his way,-or what a dance he may
be led, by one excursion or another, before all
is over. Could a historiographer drive on his
history, as a muleteer drives on his mule-
straight forward,-for instance, from Rome all
the way to Loretto, without ever once turning
his head aside, either to the right hand or to
the left, he might venture to foretell you to an
hour when he should get to his journey's end:
-but the thing is, morally speaking, impos-
sible; for if he is a man of the least spirit, he
will have fifty deviations from a straight line to
make with this or that party as he goes along,
which he can nowise avoid: he will have views
and prospects to himself perpetually soliciting
his eye, which he can no more help standing
still to look at than he can fly; he will, more-
over,
have various

Accounts to reconcile :
Inscriptions to make out:
Traditions to shift:
Anecdotes to pick up:
Stories to weave in :
Personages to call upon :

Panegyrics to paste up at this door :

Pasquinades at that: -all which, both the man and the mule are exempt from. To sum up all; there are archives at every stage to be looked into, and rolls, records, documents, and endless genealogies, which justice ever and anon calls him back to stay the reading of :in short, there is no end of it. For my own part, I declare I have been at it these six weeks, making all the speed I possibly could,-and am not yet born:-I have just been able, and that's all, to tell you when it happened, but not how; so that you see the thing is yet far from being accomplished.

These unforeseen stoppages, which, I own, I had no conception of when I first set out,-but which, I am convinced now, will rather increase than diminish as I advance,-have struck out a hint which I am resolved to follow; and that is, not to be in a hurry, but to go on leisurely, writing and publishing two volumes of my life every year, which, if I am suffered to go on quietly, and can make a tolerable bargain with

CHAPTER XV.

THE article in my mother's marriage-settlement, which I told the reader I was at the pains to search for, and which, now that I have found it, I think proper to lay before him,-is so much more fully expressed in the deed itself, than ever I can pretend to do it, that it would be barbarity to take it out of the lawyer's hand. -It is as follows:

' AND THIS INDENTURE FURTHER WITNESSETH, That the said Walter Shandy, merchant, in consideration of the said intended marriage to be had, and by God's blessing to be well and truly solemnized and consummated between the said Walter Shandy and Elizabeth Mollineux aforesaid, and divers other good and valuable causes and considerations him thereunto specially moving,-doth grant, covenant, condescend, consent, conclude, bargain, and fully agree to and with John Dixon and James Turner, Esqrs., the above named trustees, etc. etc.- -TO WIT,- -That in case it should hereafter so fall out, chance, happen, or other wise come to pass,- -that the said Walter Shandy, merchant, shall have left off business before the time or times that the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall, according to the course of nature, or otherwise, have left off bearing and bringing forth children and that, in consequence of the said Walter Shandy having so left off business, he shall, in despite, and against the free-will, consent, and good-liking of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, make a departure from the city of London, in order to retire to and dwell upon his estate at Shandy Hall, in the county of -, or at any other countryscat, castle, hall, mansion-house, messuage, or grange house, now purchased, or hereafter to be purchased, or upon any part or parcel thereof -That then, and as often as the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall happen to be enceinte with child or children, severally and lawfully begot, or to be begotten, upon the body of the said Elizabeth Mollineux during her said coverture, -he the said Walter Shandy shall, at his own proper cost and charges, and out of his proper monies, upon good and reasonable notice, which is hereby agreed to be within six weeks of her the said Elizabeth Mollineux's full reckoning, or time of supposed and computed delivery, - pay, or cause to be paid, the sum of one hundred and twenty pounds of good and lawful money, to John Dixon and James Turner, Esquires, or assigns,- -upon TRUST and confidence, and for and unto the use and uses, intent, end, and purpose following :-THAT IS TO SAY, -That the said sum of one hundred and twenty pounds shall be paid into the hands of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, or to be otherwise

and truly hiring of one coach, with able and sufficient horses, to carry and convey the body of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, and the child or children which she shall be then and there enceinte and pregnant with, unto the city of London; and for the further paying and defraying of all other incidental costs, charges, and expenses whatsoever,-in and about, and for, and relating to her said intended delivery and lying-in, in the said city or suburbs thereof. And that the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall and may, from time to time, and at all such time and times as are here covenanted and agreed upon,-peaceably and quietly hire the said coach and horses, and have free ingress, egress, and regress throughout her journey, in and from the said coach, according to the tenor, true intent, and meaning of these presents, without any let, suit, trouble, disturbance, molestation, discharge, hindrance, forfeiture, eviction, vexation, interruption, or incumbrance whatsoever.- -And that it shall moreover be lawful to and for the said Elizabeth Mollineux, from time to time, and as oft or often as she shall well and truly be advanced in her said pregnancy, to the time heretofore stipulated and agreed upon, to live and reside in such place or places, and in such family or families, and with such relations, friends, and other persons within the said city of London, as she, at her own will and pleasure, notwithstanding her present coverture, and as if she were a femme sole and unmarried, shall think fit.- -AND THIS INDENTURE FURTHER WITNESSETH, That, for the more effectually carrying of the said covenant into execution, the said Walter Shandy, merchant, doth hereby grant, bargain, sell, relcase, and confirm unto the said John Dixon and James Turner, Esquires, their heirs, executors, and assigns, in their actual possession now being, by virtue of an indenture of bargain and sale, for a year, to them the said John Dixon and James Turner, Esquires, by him the said Walter Shandy, merchant, thereof made; which said bargain and sale for a year bears date the day next before the date of these presents, and by force and virtue of the statute for transferring of uses into possession,that the manor and lordship of Shandy, in the county of, with all the rights, members, and appurtenances thereof; and all and every the messuages, houses, buildings, barns, stables, orchards, gardens, backsides, tofts, crofts, garths, cottages, lands, meadows, feedings, pastures, marshes, commons, woods, underwoods, drains, fisheries, waters, and water-courses, together with all rents, reversions, services, annuities, fee-farms, knights' fees, views of frank-pledge, escheats, reliefs, mines, quarries, goods and chattels of felons and fugitives, felons of themselves, and put in exigent, deodands, fee-warrens, and all other royalties and seignories,

-ALL

rights and jurisdictions, privileges and hereditaments whatsoever. -AND ALSO, the advowBon, donation, presentation, and free disposition of the rectory or parsonage of Shandy aforesaid, and all and every the tenths, tithes, glebe-lands' ... In three words-my mother was to ly-in (if she chose it) in London.

But in order to put a stop to the practice of any unfair play on the part of my mother, which a marriage article of this nature too manifestly opened a door to, and which, indeed, had never been thought of at all, but for my uncle Toby Shandy ;- a clause was added in security of my father, which was this:That in case my mother hereafter should at any time put my father to the trouble and expense of a London journey, upon false cries and tokens ;that for every such instance she should forfeit all the right and title which the covenant gave her to the next turn;-but to no more,-and so on-toties quoties-in as effectual a manner as if such a covenant betwixt them had not been made.' . . . This, by the way, was no more than what was reasonable; . and yet, reasonable as it was, I have ever thought it hard that the whole weight of the article should have fallen entirely, as it did, upon myself.

But I was begot and born to misfortunes ;for my poor mother, whether it was wind or water, or a compound of both, or neither; or whether it was simply the mere swell of imagination and fancy in her; or how far a strong wish and desire to have it so, might mislead her judgment;-in short, whether she was deceived or deceiving in this matter, it no way becomes me to decide. The fact was this, that in the latter end of September 1717, which was the year before I was born, my mother having carried my father up to town, much against the grain, -he peremptorily insisted upon the clause; so that I was doomed by marriage articles to have my nose squeezed as flat to my face as if the destinies had actually spun me without one. How this event came about,-and what a train of vexatious disappointments, in one stage or other of my life, have pursued me, from the mere loss, or rather compression, of this one single member,-shall be laid before the reader all in due time.

CHAPTER XVI.

My father, as anybody may naturally imagine, came down with my mother into the country, in but a pettish kind of a humour. The first twenty or five-and-twenty miles he did nothing in the world but fret and teaze himself, and indeed my mother too, about the cursed expense, which, he said, might every shilling of it have been saved;-then, what vexed him more than everything else was the provoking time of the year,-which, as I told you, was towards the end of September, when his wall-fruit, and

green-gages especially, in which he was very curious, were just ready for pulling:—' Had he been whistled up to London upon a Tom Fool's errand in any other month of the whole year, he should not have said three words about it.'

For the next two whole stages, no subject would go down but the heavy blow he had sustained from the loss of a son, whom, it seems, he had fully reckoned upon in his mind, and registered down in his pocket-book, as a second staff for his old age, in case Bobby should fail him. . . . 'The disappointment of this, he said, was ten times more to a wise man than all the money which the journey, etc., had cost him, put together-Rot the hundred and twenty pounds, he did not mind it a rush.'

From Stilton all the way to Grantham, nothing in the whole affair provoked him so much as the condolences of his friends, and the foolish figure they should both make at church the first Sunday, of which, in the satirical vehemence of his wit, now sharpened a little by vexation, he would give so many humorous and provoking descriptions,-and place his rib and self in so many tormenting lights and attitudes, in the face of the whole congregation,-that my mother declared these two stages were so truly tragicomical that she did nothing but laugh and cry, in a breath, from one end to the other of them all the way.

From Grantham, till they crossed the Trent, my father was out of all kind of patience at the vile trick and imposition which he fancied my mother had put upon him in this affair.'Certainly,' he would say to himself over and over again, the woman could not be deceived herself- -if she could,-what weakness !'— Tormenting word! which led his imagination a thorny dance, and, before all was over, played the deuce and all with him ;-for, sure as ever the word weakness was uttered, and struck full upon his brain, so sure it set him upon running divisions upon how many kinds of weaknesses there were ;-that there was such a thing as weakness of the body, as well as weakness of the mind;-and then he would do nothing but syllogize within himself for a stage or two together, how far the cause of all these vexations might or might not have arisen out of himself.

In short, he had so many little subjects of disquietude springing out of this one affair, all fretting successively in his mind as they rose up in it, that my mother, whatever was her journey up, had but an uneasy journey of it down.-In a word, as she complained to my uncle Toby, he would have tired out the patience of any flesh alive.

CHAPTER XVII.

THOUGH my father travelled homewards, as I told you, in none of the best of moods,-pshaw

ing and pish-ing all the way down,-yet he had the complaisance to keep the worst part of the story still to himself; which was the resolution he had taken of doing himself the justice, which my uncle Toby's clause in the marriage-settlement empowered him: nor was it till the very night in which I was begot, which was thirteen months after, that she had the least intimation of his design:when my father happening, as you remember, to be a little chagrined and out of temper,-took occasion, as they lay chatting gravely in bed afterwards, talking over what was to come,-to let her know that she must accommodate herself as well as she could to the bargain made between them in their marriage-deeds; which was to ly-in of her next child in the country, to balance the last year's journey.

My father was a gentleman of many virtues, but he had a strong spice of that in his temper which might or might not add to the number.

-'Tis known by the name of perseverance in a good cause, and of obstinacy in a bad one. Of this my mother had so much knowledge, that she knew 'twas to no purpose to make any remonstrance ;-so she e'en resolved to sit down quietly, and make the most of it.

CHAPTER XVIII.

As the point was that night agreed, or rather determined, that my mother should ly-in of me in the country, she took her measures accordingly; for which purpose, when she was three days or thereabouts gone with child, she began to cast her eyes upon the midwife whom you have so often heard me mention; and before the week was well got round, as the famous Dr. Maningham was not to be had, she had come to a final determination in her mind,-notwithstanding there was a scientific operator within so near a call as eight miles of us, and who, moreover, had expressly wrote a five shilling book upon the subject of midwifery, in which he had exposed, not only the blunders of the sisterhood itself, but had likewise superadded many curious improvements for the quicker extraction of the foetus in cross-births, and some other cases of danger which delay us in getting into the world;-notwithstanding all this, my mother, I say, was absolutely determined to trust her life, and mine with it, into no soul's hand but this old woman's only.-Now this I like ;-when we cannot get at the very thing we wish, never to take up with the next best in degree to it ;-no, that's pitiful beyond description. It is no more than a week from this very day in which I am now writing this book-for the edification of the world,-which is March 9, 1759,-that my dear, dear Jenny, observing I looked a little grave, as she stood cheapening a silk of five and twenty shillings a yard, told the mercer she was sorry she had

given him so much trouble; and immediately went and bought herself a yard-wide stuff of tenpence a yard. 'Tis the duplication of one and the same greatness of soul; only, what lessened the honour of it somewhat in my mother's case, was that she could not heroine it into so violent and hazardous an extreme as one in her situation might have wished, because the old midwife had really some little claim to be depended upon,-as much, at least, as success could give her; having, in the course of her practice of near twenty years in the parish, brought every mother's son of them into the world without any one slip or accident which could fairly be laid to her account.

These facts, though they had their weight, yet did not altogether satisfy some few scruples and uneasinesses which hung upon my father's spirits in relation to this choice. . . . To say nothing of the natural workings of humanity and justice, or of the yearnings of parental and connubial love, all which prompted him to leave as little to hazard as possible in a case of this kind, he felt himself concerned, in a particular manner, that all should go right in the present case,from the accumulated sorrow he lay open to, should any evil betide his wife and child by her lying-in at Shandy Hall.-He knew the world judged by events, and would add to his afflictions, in such a misfortune, by loading him with the whole blame of it. 'Alas o'day!— had Mrs. Shandy, poor gentlewoman, had but her wish in going up to town just to ly-in and come down again,—which, they say, she begged and prayed for upon her bare knees,-and which, in my opinion, considering the fortune which Mr. Shandy got with her, was no such mighty matter to have complied with,—the lady and her babe might both of them have been alive at this hour.'

This exclamation, my father knew, was unanswerable; and yet it was not merely to shelter himself, nor was it altogether for the care of his offspring and wife, that he seemed so extremely anxious about this point;-my father had extensive views of things,—and stood, moreover, as he thought, deeply concerned in it for the public good, from the dread he entertained of the bad uses an ill-fated instance might be put to.

He was very sensible that all political writers upon the subject had unanimously agreed and lamented, from the beginning of Queen Elizabeth's reign down to his own time, that the current of men and money towards the metropolis, upon one frivolous errand or another, set in so strong as to become dangerous to our civil rights;-though, by the bye, a current was not the image he took most delight in,—a distemper was here his favourite metaphor; and he would run it down into a perfect allegory, by maintaining it was identically the same in the body national as in the body natural: where