The noble Red Man has always been a darling of mine. I love to read about him in tales and legends and romances. I love to read of his inspired sagacity; and of his love of the wild, free life of mountain and forest; and his grand truthfulness; his hatred of treachery; and his general nobility of character; and his stately metaphorical manner of speech; and his chivalrous love for his dusky maiden; and the picturesque pomp of his dress and accoutrement. Especially the picturesque pomp his dress and accoutrement. When I found the shops at Niagara Falls full of dainty Indian bead-work and stunning moccasins, and equally stunning toy figures representing human beings who carried their weapons in holes bored through their arms and bodies, and had feet shaped like a pie, I was filled with emotion. I knew that now, at last, I was going to come face to face with the noble red man. A lady clerk in the shop told me, indeed, that all her grand array of curiosities were male by the Indians, and that there were plenty about the Falls, and that they were friendly, and it would not be dangerous to speak to them. And sure enough, as I approached the bridge leading over to Luna Island, I came upon a noble old son of the forest sitting under a tree, diligently at work on a bead reticule. He wore a slouch hat and brogans, and had a short black pipe in his mouth. Thus does the baneful contact with our effeminate civilization dilute the picturesque pomp which is so natural to the Indian when far removed from us in his native haunts. I addressed the relic as follows:

"Is the Wawhoo-Wang-wang of the Wack-a-Whack happy? Does the great Speckled Thunder sigh for the war-path, or is his heart contented with dreaming of his duský maiden, the Pride of the Forest? Does the mighty sachem yearn to drink the blood of his enemies,

or is he satisfied to make bead reticules for the papooses of the paleface? Speak, sublime relic of by-gone grandeur-venerable ruin, speak!"

The relic said:

"An' is it meself, Dinnis Hooligan, that ye'd be takin' for a bloody Injin, ye drawlin', lantern-jawed, spiderlegged ruffin? By the piper that played before Moses, I'll ate ye!"

I went away.

I made one more attempt to fraternize with them, and only one. I came upon a camp of them gathered in the shade of a great tree, making wampum and moccasins, and addressed them in the language of friendship:

"Noble Red Men, Braves, Grand Sachems, War-chiefs, Squaws, and High-you-Muck-a-Mucks, the paleface from the land of the setting sun greets you! You, Beneficent Polecat-you, Devourer-of-Mountains-you, RoaringThundergust — you, Bully-Boy-with-a-Glass-Eye — the paleface from beyond the great waters greets you all! War and pestilence have thinned your ranks and destroyed your once proud nation. Poker, and seven-up, and a vain modern expense for soap, unknown to your glorious ancestors, have depleted your purses. Appropriating, in your simplicity, the property of others has gotten you into trouble. Misrepresenting facts, in your sinless innocence, has damaged your reputation with the soulless usurper. Trading for forty-rod whiskey, to enable you to get drunk and happy and tomahawk your families, has played the everlasting mischief with the picturesque pomp of your dress, and here you are, in the broad light of the nineteenth century, gotten up like the rag-tag and bob-tail of the purlieus of New York! For shame! Remember your ancestors! Recall their mighty deeds! Remember Uncas !—and Red Jacket!—

and Hole-in-the-Day!-and Horace Greeley! Emulate their achievements! Unfurl yourselves under my banner, noble savages, illustrious guttersnipes-"

"Down wid him!"

"Scoop the blagyard!"

"Hang him!"

"Dhrownd him!"

I simply

It was the quickest operation tnat ever was. saw a sudden flash in the air of clubs, brickbats, fists, bead-baskets and moccasins-a single flash, and they all appeared to hit me at once, and no two of them in the same place. In the next instant the entire tribe was upon me. They tore all the clothes off me, they broke my arms and legs, they gave me a thump that dented the top of my head till it would hold coffee like a saucer; and to crown their disgraceful proceedings and add insult to injury, they threw me over the Horse-shoe Fall, and I got wet.

About ninety-nine or a hundred feet from the top, the remains of my vest caught on a projecting rock, and I was almost drowned before I could get loose. I finally fell, and brought up in a world of white foam at the foot of the Fall, whose celled and bubbly masses towered up several inches above my head. Of course I got into the eddy. I sailed round and round in it forty-four timeschasing a chip, and gaining on it-each round trip a half a mile-reaching for the same bush on the bank forty-four times, and just exactly missing it by a hair's breadth every time. At last a man walked down and sat down close to that bush, and put a pipe in his mouth. and lit a match, and followed me with one eye and kept the other on the match while he sheltered it in his hands from the wind. Presently a puff of wind blew it out. The next time I swept round him he said:

"Got a match? "

"Yes-in my other vest. Help me out, please!"

"Not for Joe."

When I came round again, I said:

Excuse the seemingly impertinent curiosity of a drowning man, but will you explain this singular conduct of yours?"

"With pleasure. I am the coroner. Don't hurry on my account. I can wait for you. But I wish I had a match."

I said, "Take my place, and I'll go and get you one."

He declined. This lack of confidence on his part created a coolness between us, and from that time forward I avoided him. It was my idea, in case anything happened to me, to so time the occurrence as to throw my custom into the hands of the opposition coroner over on the American side. At last a policeman came along and arrested me for disturbing the peace by yelling at people on shore for help. The judge fined me, but I had the advantage of him. My money was with my pantaloons, and my pantaloons were with the Indians.

Thus I escaped. I am now lying in a very critical condition. At least I am lying, any way-critical or not critical.

I am hurt all over, but I cannot tell the full extent yet, because the doctor is not done taking the inventory. He will make out my manifest this evening. However, thus far, he thinks only six of my wounds are fatal. I do n't mind the others.

I shall not be able to finish my remarks about Niagara Falls until I get better.-MARK TWAIN.

THE PALMETTO AND THE PINE.

THEY

HEY planted them together-our gallant sires of old

Though one was crowned with crystal snow, and one with solar gold.

They planted them together, on the world's majestic

height;

At Saratoga's deathless charge; at Eutaw's stubborn

fight;

At midnight on the dark redoubt, 'mid plunging shot and shell;

At noontide, gasping in the crush of battle's bloody

swell.

With gory hands and reeking brows, amid the mighty

fray

Which surged and swelled around them on that memor

able day

When they planted Independence as a symbol and a

sign,

They struck deep soil, and planted the palmetto and the

pine.

They planted them together, by the river of the

years,

Watered with our fathers' hearts' blood, watered with our mothers' tears;

In the strong, rich soil of freedom, with a bounteous

benison

From their prophet, priest, and pioneer-our father, Washington!

Above them floated echoes of the ruin and the wreck,

Like "drums that beat at Louisburg, and thundered at

Quebec;"